Dysfunction Attracts Dysfunction
Name: Regretting It | | Location: Hell , TX
|Question: I did something(s) terrible and am now paying
the piper for my
actions. I had a feeling this day would come, but hoped it wouldn't. My
ex-boyfriend and I broke up in December. It was a hard breakup, and even though
I knew it would do more harm than good, we kept up a FWB situation. Huge
mistake. He believed he believed he could tell me about other women he was
interested in and meeting, and yet every time he would tell me about them, I
grew more resentful and jealous. No matter that we were broken up.
Some days he would be affectionate with me, others he would be cold and
aloof. He is prone to moodiness and now I suspect he is clinically depressed or
even bi-polar. He has more mood swings than a pms-ing woman. But when
he told me he messed around (no sex) with a woman who is well known in our
social circle, I became livid, but didn't show it. I hid it, and tried not be
jealous because after all, he wasn't my boyfriend any more. However, I couldn't
let go of the fact that he had previously said he wouldn't ever touch her with a
ten-foot pole, yet there he was telling me about a night he got drunk and played
around with her. A few weeks ago I couldn't stand it any more and
confided in a friend I thought I could trust. I hadn't told her anything that
was going on between him and I because I didn't want her to know. No one but
his best friend knew we were still maintaining a sexual relationship. But then a
week or so ago, I told her everything, including his play session with this
woman and how it made me feel. After more drama and emotional crap
between my ex and I (I was responsible for half of it, of course), I decided to
end the sex and take time away from him. I needed to disconnect and go out on
my own and learn to live without him at last.
The friend I had confided
in invited me out last week to meet her and some friends. One of whom was a guy
I'd met last year prior to meeting my ex-bf. I'd thought he was cute, but a
little too wild for me. She said, "You need him to help you get over your ex.
He's sweet." And, of course, I took the bait, and flirted with him. I
had been attracted to him before, and still was. It wasn't the same level of
attraction I'd had with my ex, but I decided I need to stop comparing people and
just have fun and enjoy myself.
Well, it ended up that this guy and I
stayed behind past closing, chatting and visiting. We talked about video games,
our favorite movies, briefly about our exes. (He said not one bad word about
his, which told me volumes about his character.)
We've talked on the
phone a lot this past week and have made a date for this weekend. The kicker is
this: my friend now says she wants him. She told me she wanted a
relationship with him before but he wasn't interested in her so therefore she
was "giving him up to me" because I needed the cheering up more than she did. I
couldn't believe what she said. New guy also showed me a text message she had
sent him, stating, "I'll be damned if you have sex with her before me!" New guy
and I hadn't even discussed that option yet. We are still just getting to be
friends.
Last night I went to see New Guy, talked and played some video
games, and and pretty much had a good time. He kissed me, and it felt nice.
But nothing more happened. Today, my ex-bf sent me several text
messages while I was at work. What I had told my friend about him playing with
another woman had gotten back to him. He is livid, embarrassed, accused me of
betraying his trust (which I'm willing to acknowledge), and he then stated he
had been considering a reconciliation for the last 3 weeks but not now.
I replied to him, I knew he wouldn't want a reconciliation simply
because he has been so off/on with me during the FWB the last few months. And I
said some terrible things to him, lashing out about how he'
d made me feel,
etc. But now, regret is seeping in. I know she is the one who made
sure he found out about I repeated his little escapade. She's the only one I
discussed it with. Now even our acquaintances know, but are getting a mangled
version. I shouldn't have confided in my friend. I should have known
better, shouldn't I? I know I'll never get back together with him, but how do I
salvage this situation so we can at least rebuild a foundation for a cordial
friendship in the future? I'm leaving him alone for now.
I feel so
stupid. |Age: 34
Holy Christ. Get away from these people. All of 'em. Including New Guy. Because, FYI...guaranteed he's flirting with you're psycho girl friend.
Let's address the FWB thing..okay, you know it was poor judgment. And quite frankly I'm tired of giving the same speech about how, if a man wants you, he'll be with you completely. Not just for sex.
His potential bi-polar disorder? Um...no. Although it does seem like so many women like to self-diagnose men and assign all these disorders to them rather than just say, "Oh. He does that because he's an asshole. Not because he's mentally unstable." The mood swings aren't mood swings. It's him wanting you when he wants you, and not needing you when he doesn't. It's him sensing that you're getting attached and purposefully being a dick so you'll get the hint and not get the wrong idea. Diagnosis? Selfish Asshole Disorder. SAD. Look it up. It exists. Or at least it should.
Your girl friend? She sucks. She doesn't have your best interests at heart, and she's the girl who can't be happy for a friend because her misery overrules anything and anyone else's needs.
New guy? Distance yourself. Why? Because the drama is inevitable. Oh, and he'll be nailing your friend soon, too. And then she will feel compelled to tell you saying "she thought you should know."
Oh, and you're Ex's petty schoolyard "Well, I was going to invite you to my birthday party but not now" passive aggressive shit? Tell him to shove it. He never had intentions of getting back with you. He just wanted to make you feel bad. He threw in your face the one thing he knew you wanted most and wanted to shame you with it. Matter of time before he nails your friend and then feels compelled to confess that to you. Rinse. Repeat.
Now, for the real issue here...why are you attracting all this drama in your life? Why do you attract and settle for such low lifes? Figure that out and you'll figure out how to deal with this current situation. You're friends with all these people because you think it's better than having no one. And because you're probably a bit of a drama queen and don't know how to break out of that pattern. Break out of it and fast. You stay around people like this and you will never be able to get your shit together and attract the right people. You'll start thinking that all this chaos is normal and therefore you won't be able to recognize true contentment and happiness.
YOUR THOUGHTS?
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