Name: Holly | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi
Moxie, okay here it is. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. I
love him soooooo much. We are really happy. But recently we have kind of hit the
skids. See, there is a new guy at my office, Marc. He is really sweet, and
really attractive as well. We were both put on the same project at work so we
have been together a lot. We got to know each other while on the job and became
friends. We began to hang out after work and talk grab a drink whatever. I have
nor have I ever been attracted to him. Okay maybe for like the first day because
he's pretty smooth but, after we got to know each other he was just my friend. I
introduced him to my boyfriend and he seemed okay with me hanging out with him.
Lately he seemed kind of jealous of my friendship with Marc. I told him that he
had nothing to worry about but he wouldn't let it go. Anyway, two weeks ago, he
went to LA on business. He was coming back two days early and he called and
asked me to pick him. I wasn't home so he got my machine. When I came home I
didn't listen to my messages because I had company Marc, came over to give me a
cooking lesson. He was teaching me how to make flan for a hispanic feast I was
attending the following day. My boyfriend then showed up at my door, angry that
I didn't pick him up. When he Marc and I eating together he was less than happy.
He made Marc leave, and asked me not to see him anymore. I, of course, got upset
and told him that he couldn't choose my friends. I had already told him that
nothing was going on, why couldn't he trust me. He left and didn't call me for
days. Finally I called Marc and explained to him that I loved my boyfriend and
in relationships you have to make sacrifices, and that we couldn't hang out
outside of work anymore. My boyfriend was happy, and I was happy that he was
happy. A week later I really started to miss Marc. Walking down the street I
saw so many things that he would make the craziest jokes about. We had so
much fun together, I started to hate that I wrote him off. I told my boyfriend
that I wasn't happy and that I was going to hang out with Marc and because he is
my friend and nothing is going on. He broke up with me. Last night at 3am, I get
a call from Marc in the hospital. It turns out that he and my ex boyfriend went
to the same bar last night. My boyfriend was there getting drunk alone and Marc
was with a date. My ex approached him and said " First you make your my girl
cheat on me, and now your cheating on her." Marc told him that we have never
been anything more than friends. My ex didn't believe him, and you mix that with
10 beers and you have a fight. My ex pulled Marc off of the stool and began they
began to go at it. The bouncer kicked my ex out. He was still mad, so he waited
around the side of the club. When Marc came out my ex came after him and they
got into it on the side alley. The bouncers came out and broke it up, called and
ambulance. Just to have em checked out. Marc was all scratched up and a huge gash
on his arms. He was fine enough to go home a few hours later. He told the police
who it was that he fought and they put an warrant out for him. I went home at 5
am, and my ex was sitting on my couch, with his hand wrapped in one of my towels
drenched in blood. I convinced him to let me take him to the hospital, and to
turn himself in. He said that if that was the only way I would lve him again
then, he would. I told him I would, even though I didn't know if I could,
because I knew he had to get help with his hand. The next morning he sobered up,
and was releases because Marc dropped the charges. He came to my apartment and
begged for me to forgive him. I didn't know what to do. I told him that I really
needed a break from the boy drama and that I would call him when I was ready to
talk. I could really use some wise words. |Age: 24
OK....first?
You have feelings for Marc. All I did was read this letter and I could see that. So you're boyfriend had reason to not want you to hang out with him. The fact is, on more than one occasion, you put Marc before your own boyfriend. You didn't check your own voice mail because Marc was there? Would you have checked it if it were a female friend that was with you? Or did you avoid the machine because you didn't want Marc to hear the message from your boyfriend? If so..why?
If the gender roles in this story were reversed, you can bet a bunch of people would be all over the woman who is hanging out with a guy they know had a girlfriend. So, for the sake of equality, I'm going to say what I would say if this letter was written by a man.
Unless Marc didn't originally know you had a boyfriend (and that's a distinct possibility) he now should sleep in the bed that he made for himself. I don't advocate physical violence, but if you're going to chum around with some other man's girlfriend (like go to her place for cooking lessons when he's away on work), expect to pay the price. He pressed charges? Drama Queen. That wasn't about justice. That was about who had the biggest dick, and that type of namby pamby bullshit is almost always over a woman or their ego or both. That was Marc's way of getting the last word and making your boyfriend look bad. And that? Is about you.
Your boyfriend asked you to do something and you chose not to. You chose your feelings over his, and for a guy who's been in your life for a couple months. We're not talking a life long friendship that your boyfriend asked you to lose. That would be a different story. Your boyfriend could sense you had an interest in Marc, and that's what got him so hot and bothered.
I've said this before...I am leery of opposite sex friendships. There are boundaries that need to be respected. No late night phone calls, no constant drama where they need your mate to hurry over to their apartment, no trips away together without you. If the single friend shows a little too much dependancy on the friend in a relationship, that's a huge red flag. As is constant insidery jokes and stories that are told or relayed in the girlfriend/boyfriend's presence. That's a passive aggressive ways of telling the BF/GF "See? I know stuff about him/her that you don't."
As long as boundaries are respected, I have no problem. But hanging out with you at your place while your boyfriend is away to get a cooking lesson? Yeah, that's one of those times when I'd have a problem.
Your boyfriend also clearly has issues, and if he's going around fighting people and hitting them, you shouldn't be anywhere near him until he works that stuff out.
The three of you need to go your separate ways and all of you need to grow up.
~Priv Blog - Bravado- How Important Is Sex?
If, by 40, you're still using the "he wasn't good enough in bed to satisfy me" excuse, there are bigger issues at work here, and those issues are why you're 40 and single. I hear men and women this age says things like this and just want to tell them to grow up already.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/obligation.html
~Priv Blog - The Other Woman's Man
I wonder just how many people like this are out there? It's not just women, either. I know men who love the idea of screwing another guy's girlfriend or wife just to one up their male rival.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/the-other-womans-man.html
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