Here's a chapter sample that's being included in my book proposal. Interested to hear your thoughts.
See, it was just too soon to tell/and looking for some parallel/can be an endless game.
Sometime from now you'll bow to pressure/some things in life you cannot
measure by degrees
I'm between the poles and the equator/don't send no
private investigator to find me please
'less he speaks Chinese/and can
dance like Astaire overseas
“I haven’t settled yet, why should I start now?”
You’ve heard that one before. Maybe one of your girlfriends has uttered
it over cocktails, after recounting the story of yet another “bad”
date. Maybe it was you talking to a friend, lamenting your inability
to find someone “normal”
Here’s why you should settle -- and by “settle” I mean cast a wider net
to increase your options, because what you’ve been doing it isn’t
working.
Settling evens the score from when we had the chronological advantage.
When we were in our twenties and therefore considered by some men
attractive and viable, how many of us stood up and said, ‘Hey! How come
that woman over there who’s 35 isn’t getting any attention? She’s more
educated, more successful, has more money, is probably better in bed
and knows what she wants. Why aren’t you guys giving her a chance?”
In our twenties and early thirties, we can get away with being too
picky. We’ve got time. But there has to come a point when you look at
your driver’s license and realize it’s time to consider plan B.
Plan B is broadening your horizons and reconsidering your dating
checklist. You might call it settling; I call it compromising. I see it
all the time, men and women with distorted senses of themselves. A
running joke in my column is how frequently women write in and begin
their letters with, “I’m 38, but most people tell me I could pass for
28…” That’s swell. But your vagina is still almost 40.
Every single time I hear a woman say she looks ten years younger then
she is, I imagine her telling her friends that she "deserves" someone
as hot/fit/in shape/youthful/energetic as she is. Which is why she's
still single. She's waiting for someone “good enough” to come along.
And you know what? He may never come. I mean, she'll probably meet him,
but ultimately he won’t meet the standards she’s been telling herself
for years that she deserves.
I'll say it for the gazillionth time: if you're so hot and youthful and
accomplished and sassy and full of life and such a breath of fresh air,
then you really should have met someone by now. The fact that you’re
single means one of two things: either you met the right guy and
sabotaged it or you’re not quite the catch you think you are.
I passed on a lot of great guys in my twenties. I wanted someone with a
great sense of humor who was athletic, cocky, cute, well-educated and
who loved movies – those were the qualities I sought. Not one
indication in the bunch that he would be a good partner.
During a volleyball game one summer I met a guy who was somewhat nerdy
but seemed smart and funny and who made clear his interest in me. I,
however, wanted the Mark Wahlberg look-alike who was, for all intents
and purposes, kind of a douche. I was intrigued by his passive
aggressiveness and withholding. These were the guys I went after, and
their attention was the ultimate and unattainable prize. If I could get
these guys than I was ok -- attractive enough, cool enough, sexy
enough. By pursuing men who were too selfish to love anyone but
themselves, I was slowly chipping away at my self-esteem. Rejection
after rejection, disappointment after disappointment, I grew more
insecure and vulnerable.
We all have that laminated list in our head of the characteristics our
ideal guy should posses. But we make a critical error in assuming that
the criteria we feel make us great catches are equally valuable to men.
This is not the case.
A man will gladly date the cocktail waitress at the club or
receptionist at the gym or struggling actress. He doesn’t care that his
mate makes as much money as he does. He doesn’t care that she went to
some state school and majored in liberal arts. What matters is that she
can carry on a conversation and values the things that are truly
valuable. He doesn’t need his girlfriend to understand the stock
market, memorize baseball stats, or quote the Wall Street Journal.
That’s what his friends and colleagues are for. He wants someone who
turns him on and makes him feel safe. It’s really quite simple.
Despite what your friends or your Nana might tell you, there is such a
thing as being too picky. If you are, then I guarantee you’ve heard
this from family and friends. “You’re too picky” does not mean “settle
for the next fat balding guy who comes along because you're barren and
nobody else wants you." It means that you’re too picky.
Maybe we set such impossibly high standards because we’re actually the
ones who fear commitment. Maybe it’s a fear of rejection that inspires
us to brush guys off under the guise that they’re “too boring.” Maybe
they’re not the ones who are boring. Maybe it’s us. Could it be we’re
just tragically self-involved and can only talk about things that
interest us? Could that be why we need a guy who likes what we like and
thinks the way we think … because we’re afraid to “own” our opinions
and be judged for them? Is that why we, instead, make snap judgments
and dismiss people without giving them a chance?
I made a deal with myself before I turned 40 that once there, I would
go out with anyone who asked me – within reason, of course. Soon after
I made this pact, I received an email from a man in response to a
profile I had posted on an online dating site. I had since sworn off
Internet dating, but I soon realized that I was breaking my own rule
about giving guys a chance. After reading his profile, I responded to
his e-mail with a few basic questions [like what he did for fun, why he
decided to try online dating, was he enjoying the experience, etc He in
turn wanted to know what I was passionate about; my answer was writing.
He told me that his is music and added that he played in a band that
performed at various clubs in Manhattan. That gave me pause. The guy
was almost 45. He had a day job, one that he seemed passionate about,
so it wasn’t that he didn’t seem settled in that way. I was more
concerned about the lifestyle a guy in a band would lead. Late nights,
hanging around a lot of alcohol and young girls aka “temptation”, etc.
But I continued onward with the conversation. Then he dropped the bomb.
"Yeah, some buddies and I are opening a bar in the fall."
Oh no. No way. The band was bad enough. But owning a bar? I've met
enough bar owners and managers to know that they are probably the worst
guys to date. The work insane hours and spend most of them at the bar.
They’re constantly surrounded by young girls. I tried to find more
reasons to move on when it dawned on me that I was doing it. I was
forfeiting the opportunity to meet a guy based on external factors,
instead of giving him a chance.
What often limits our range of prospects is the false notion that our
partner must meet every item on our checklist; at the risk of sounding
jaded, it’s not going to happen. We can’t expect a mate to possess
every quality we’re looking for, though we can expect to find one who
embodies the traits that are most important. And it’s up to us to
determine what those factors are.
A few weeks before I turned 40 I made a list of the qualities my ideal
man would possess: strength, confidence, drive, patience -- as you may
have gathered, I’m a handful at times -- compassion, passion and
energy. In terms of the more superficial ”wants” I was usually more
drawn to men who were college educated, employed, lived in Manhattan
(no boros for me), living alone and financially stable. [this IS all
important– do you have other examples to add, like a certain income or
field or physicial characteristic? More superficial than above.NOTE:
Not really.] Do I want to find all of this in one person? Of course.
Will I find it? Highly unlikely. So it's up to me to determine which
traits are most important and which I can do without.
On the surface this guy was definitely not for me. I don’t want to date
a bar owner and I absolutely don’t want to date a musician. But who am
I really hurting by ignoring this guy's message based on the limited
knowledge I had? Who knows … maybe he's a silent partner in the bar.
Maybe the band is something he does for stress release, or to feel like
he didn't sell out, and maybe he doesn't care if he makes a dime from
it. Those aren't bad things. But I have no idea whether this guy
possesses the qualities I outlined above – the really important ones.
We’ve all made snap judgments and used them as deal breakers to support
our own inadequacies and fears. If at first glance a person doesn’t
appear to fit our ideal, we too readily close the door on possibility.
There’s a great saying that’s used in 12-step programs: Take what you
need and leave the rest. There are going to be things about people and
situations that we don't immediately agree with, or even understand.
But that doesn't mean they aren't worth a second look. You can’t see
everything in one glance.
Of course there’s comfort in the familiar, in staying in our safety
zone of thoughts and beliefs. We create our subjective reality by
deciding what’s good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and
unacceptable to our way of thinking and we look for someone to fit the
whole bill. Really, we just want to date a carbon copy of ourselves,
because we believe this guarantees acceptance and unconditional love.
There’s no risk of heartache if we stick to what we know.
Everybody and their mother has told us that there is no such thing as
the perfect man. So why do we hold out for him instead of reevaluating
our wants and needs. There comes a time when we must acknowledge that
the plans we’ve laid out for ourselves and the things we’ve been
seeking may actually be out of our reach. This means it’s time to
reevaluate.
If you find yourself winding up in the same place time after time,
you’re doing something wrong. It could be many things, such as:
a) Trying to date “out of your league”. Your expectations of others
are disproportionate to what you bring to the table. In other words,
the men you’re pursuing either don’t find you attractive or have so
many options that you don’t measure up. If you continually get rejected
by one type of guy, that type is probably out of your league. When I
was about 34, I had a thing for a bartender on my softball team. When I
told a close male friend about my crush he said very gently, “Moxie,
don’t you think he’s a little out of your league?” I didn’t know what
he meant, so he pressed on. He was a bartender, he explained, which
means he’s surrounded by women. My new crush had unlimited options and
they were all younger and thinner than me. This is probably the most
liberating advice I’ve ever received. Rather than spend time mooning
over a guy who was never going to return the interest, I could accept
my reality and reset my sights. It was a harsh thing to hear but I
needed to hear it; it forced me to open my eyes to new types of men. I
wasn’t angry at the bartender for preferring younger, hotter girls.
Everyone has a type, and there’s nothing wrong with that – unless your
type is out of your league.
b) Insisting on swimming against the tide. This is for the women in
their late thirties and early forties. Men have more options than women
do, so it would behoove you to accept certain facts: men prefer younger
women and it doesn’t matter how old you look, it matters how old you
are. The guys we got at 25 are not the going to be the same guys we’ll
get at 35, regardless of whether or not we still wear the same jean
size or don’t look like we’ve aged a day. So, ladies, you have a choice
– to continue to go for the guys your age and younger and get rejected
or to raise our maximum age requirement.
c) Attracting the wrong men. If you embrace only one concept let it
be this: water seeks its own level. If you’re afraid to commit, or fear
that men will get to know you and run away screaming, then you will
continue to attract men who aren’t interested in settling down. Or
you’ll attract guys who prey on vulnerability. This is why you need to
pay close attention to your dating history and learn to recognize the
patterns. It’s not coincidence or bad luck if you frequently attract
men who disappear after a few dates, or who treat you poorly. There’s
some common denominator in your past and you need to determine what it
is. Perhaps it’s a function of always meeting men in the same way, like
in bars or online. Maybe it’s that you sleep with them before you’re
ready. Maybe you always go for the same type of man. Whatever it is, it
all comes back to you and your choices.
d) Not dealing with your baggage. We all have wounds from past
relationships that haven’t completely healed. These are probably the
the relationships that failed because of insecurity and low self-esteem
-- yours. Do you freak out if the guy you’re seeing doesn’t reply to an
e-mail or voicemail right away? Do your moods swing? Do you analyze
every aspect of a conversation or date because you assume something is
wrong? No man wants to be held responsible for a woman’s emotions this
early on. It’s the ultimate red flag: constant drama ahead. If you
can’t get a handle on your need for validation and reassurance that
everything (read: you) is okay, you can kiss every single potential
relationship good bye.
e) You’re sabotaging yourself - I hear so many women talk about
how they want to find a boyfriend and how they’re ready for a real
commitment. Yet when they do meet someone they sabotage possibility.
Whether from insecurity, neediness, or high expectations, these women
decide that the relationship is doomed. So they make the pre-emptive
strike by behaving in a way that will be a guaranteed deal breaker.
Behavior like this is rooted in fear. As my mother used to say, “Make a
problem, have a problem.”
When I was searching for a song to accompany this chapter, what I
was looking for was a tune that encapsulated this never ending search
for Mr. Right.
What if I were Romeo in black jeans?/What if I was Heathcliff? It’s no myth/Maybe she’s just looking for someone to dance with.
I guess what it all comes down to is this. In order to find someone
worthy of you, that fits, you have to know what you really want. Until
you have a very specific idea of what kind of relationship you seek and
determine what it is you bring to the table – be it in good qualities
or bad – and own them, you will continue to find men that aren’t quite
right.
This means not allowing yourself to get side tracked or deluding
yourself. We all like a little fun here and there. We all love the idea
of having options. But continue to rely on this idea of endless supply
of possibilities and you will find yourself, like the cheese, standing
alone. Now, maybe that’s okay by you. (Though , if it were, I don’t
think you’d have read this far.) Perhaps you are perfectly content with
your life as a swinging single. More power to you. But don’t let this
fear of looking weak prevent you from being honest with yourself about
what it is you truly want. It’s funny. Women will casually and freely
announce that they’re just looking to get laid and will go and do so.
For some reason, that’s considered empowering. Yet admitting that you’d
like to have a partner or that you feel life would be that much better
if you had someone to share it with for some reason is frowned upon and
makes us look needy or desperate. Don’t buy in to that. Because if you
tell yourself that too often and for too long, you’ll start to believe
it, and then everybody you attract will bring with them that same kind
of fear.
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