......And THAT'S Why You're Single

Marks On Your Record

So, I recently was chatting with a cute British guy on OKCupid. He's 35, but has children, so I figured why not? Plus I had met him before at one of the Brit Meetup events.

He doesn't just have A child. He has FOUR CHILDREN. Ages 7, 6, 5 and 4. Daunting right? Yep. But, being almost 41, I kinds have to push myself out of those comfort zones and not be so damn picky.

So, you can imagine my shock when he emailed me tonight and said...

I actually think the column makes you more intriguing and is a plus.....but, to be honest, you are older than I am looking for to date.

Oh and I don't normally write this kind of stuff in messages, I find silently disappearing much simpler, but you seem really cool and after reading your columns I feel compelled to write. So there we go....feel free to tell me to sod off and keep my opinions to myself.

To which I replied:

Yes, I am older than what you probably date. But you have four kids. No offense, but that's a pretty huge thing for someone to imagine even hypothetically taking on. I'm sorry but...you're kind of not in a position to be so rigid.

And then he said:

No need to remind me, I realize that 4 kids is a whole lot of baggage and it clearly scares plenty away!

One thing I tried not to be while dating (at least initially) is rigid and I have dated older women in the past. But I feel that for me, in my life right now that's not a direction I want to go.

In terms of being in a position to be rigid or not, I quite frankly don't have a whole lot of time for dating....4 kids and work are pretty time consuming, and since there are plenty of women who don't mind me having kids, I have over time narrowed down to try and improve matches.....clearly, I've not found the magic formula just yet, but every date is a new learning experience.

Anyway, good luck in your quest.

And so I said:

I really hate to break it to you, but no woman under 40 who wants to have her own children is taking on you and your brood. They tell you they don't mind it because:

A.  They've never actually had to spend time with you and your kids
B. They haven't thought through the idea of dating a man with four children
C. They're so immature that they actually believe that you'll put them (the woman) first 90% of the time.

Sure, the occasional move night in with the kids is fun. It's like playing house.
In the abstract, it isn't an issue. But have a woman spend a weekend with you and your children and she'll be re-thinking her decision. Not only will she have to build a relationship with you AND your children, but she'll have to deal with your Ex. Sorry, I stand by my original comment. You are way too much work to be quibbling over 5 years.

So, to the guys who wax poetic about how there are no dating leagues and how they can get women more successful and more attractive than they are, let me just say this. You're not a 40+ female. Guys can be short or broke, but still attractive or charming, and still have options.  Women can be beautiful, charming, witty, wonderful...but few men will look past the age on our driver's license.

I mean, honest to God...the guy has four children, is divorced and he's quibbling over 6 years? Why? Did he want Baby Number Five? Women are supposed to overlook the fact that he's a) divorced and b) the father of FOUR CHILDREN but he can't get past a handful of years?

There's very few people out there who do not have marks on their record. And, I'm sorry, but certain conditions and situations require that said person be a little less picky. People like:

Divorced people - Fact is , you come with baggage. For guys, being divorced means you're probably financially strapped and have an Ex. One is bad enough to deal with. But both? Yikes. For women, as a few guys said last week, if you're living off alimony then men fear you'll be looking to marry and divorce them, too, just to get that check every month.

Overweight/Short people - Yeah, sorry. Physical imperfections are probably the hardest to get past. On a subconscious level, we're wired to seek out genetically "perfect" specimens and conditioned to ignore those that aren't.

35+ people - Look, we're marked, okay? People see or hear our age and wonder why we're still single. 9 times out of 10, the reason is that we carry too much baggage. We're just not in a position to be so picky anymore. I know you hate to hear it, but it's true. So all you people insisting that you "have" to have this or that, time to reassess. That list? Those must haves? Aren't working for you. You can be right or you can be happy.

People with Children - Listen, I wasn't thrilled to hear that this guy had four kids. I don't even want kids, so entertaining the idea of dating someone with four kids was a scary proposition. But....I'm 41. I'll see your four kids and raise you my crazy family and fears of intimacy. Anyone who dates someone with children knows (or at least should) that they'll never be top priority, never have a ton of alone time and have to work incredibly hard to win the approval of said children. In short, we're throwing away all those romantic fantasies about honeymoon phases and sex on the kitchen counter and trips. Bottom line? The person with kids is usually struggling to make ends meet and can't afford another mouth to feed. Bye bye romance.

Geographically Undesirable People - Yeah, once again, sorry folks. And I say this as someone who is Geographically Undesirable simply because I live so far East and so far Uptown. I've had guys tell me, flat out, that it's too much of a hike to come to my place from Brooklyn. And I've blown off guys who live in Queens or the far end of Brooklyn because my commute is about an hour and a half one way. People just aren't up for long commutes after a long day of work. Nor do they like the idea of giving up 2-3 hours just to have a drink or dinner. It's either money or time that we give up. It can't be both.

~Priv Blog - God's Gift - Douchey Online Dating Profile Review - (Side note: People who say "at least I'm honest" bug the bejeezus out of me. That's like saying "I'm a sociopath and a murderer...but at least I know it and am honest." The "at least I'm honest" is some lame justification for being a shallow douche. This dude is so afraid to actually be emotionally vulnerable that he's written this ridiculously intimidating profile praying nobody responds. He just doesn't realize it.) http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/private-blog-gods-gift.html

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Just How Important Is Great Sex?

I'm sorry, but sex IS important - yes less so as you get older but if you don't have it to begin with and then it dwindles you can love a person to death but something will be missing. That person is just a really great friend or relative NOT a romantic partner.- EternalOptimist

I think I have a higher than average libido for a male and even I think sex ten times a week sounds excessive (and exhausting.) I've dated women who described themselves as very sexual and almost all of them had emotional issues that made it very difficult to stay with them.- Greg

a 40 year old women should have the right to be satisfied... if a guy is not satisfying me, I'm dumping him!! It really doesn't matter what age a person his. just because someone is 40 years doesn't mean that their sex life is over. why are people being so hard on this woman.. what is she suppose to be desperate and date a guy with either an impatent penis, or a small penis....
sex is important in the begining of a relationship.. but as it progresss through time it become less important...
40 isn't old!! People!! so when does someone sex is over?? 36/37 for a woman.. how old is everone on here....????so if the guy doesn't satisfy her, then dummp him.. every woman all ages has the right to be satisfied, especially at the begining of the relationship.. - deesh

Yes, I agree. Sex is important. Everybody deserves to have a partner who sexually satisfies them. What I've been saying on the private blog isn't that sex isn't important. Rather, I think a lot of people use the alleged lack of sexual chemistry as an excuse not to pursue a relationship. And  I think they make that excuse because they're thrown off or intimidated by being with someone who IS emotionally available and together. Nobody is saying that anybody should settle for "bad" sex. That's crazy talk.

I honestly believe that a lot of people use sex as a shield of some kind. Maybe they use it to distract the other person from seeing who they really are. Or maybe they use sex to keep someone interested.  Or we use the sex just to get to that warm, safe place because we can't seem to get there any other way.Whatever it is, I think the emphasis on sex often times has to do with an inability to be emotionally intimate. The sex is just a means to justify the end. This is something I often suggest to women who rush in to sex too soon with a guy. We're so anxious to have that comfort and security that a truly emotionally intimate relationship provides that we try to get there as soon as possible, and use to sex to do it. I know I've done it. But the safety of those moments is fleeting. Then we're left with that feeling of loneliness again and the cycle continues. I can't think of anything more brutalizing to someone's self-esteem than that. We think we can hide behind the sex or use it as a way to distract someone from seeing how afraid and fearful and lonely we really are. Thing is, most people see through that act. And then you either get rejected for fear of becoming too needy or that vulnerability that you think you're protecting gets taken advantage of.

I can remember when I first went out with Roger Sterling. I distinctly recall telling my friend that he just didn't turn me on, that I couldn't fathom having sex with him. Years later, when I was in contact with him again, what I realized was that I was terrified that he'd see how truly messed up and stunted I really was. He was so together and I...wasn't. My hesitancy about him had nothing to do with sex or his looks or sexual chemistry. But I told myself it did because that, it seems, is a justifiable reason to reject a guy who for all intents and purposes is a total catch.

This has been a running theme/opinion for me for the last several weeks - That we (men and women) put so much emphasis on sex, sexual chemistry,  "getting laid," "hooking up" that I wonder if what we're really trying to do is compensate for our inability to be emotionally intimate with someone else.

Do we focus on the sexual aspect so much because it's the only kind of intimacy we're good at? Or are capable of?

Do we use sex as a way to connect with someone because we can't or won't try to connect with them on a deeper level?

~Priv Blog - God's Gift - Douchey Online Dating Profile Review - (Side note: People who say "at least I'm honest" bug the bejeezus out of me. That's like saying "I'm a sociopath and a murderer...but at least I know it and am honest." The "at least I'm honest" is some lame justification for being a shallow douche. This dude is so afraid to actually be emotionally vulnerable that he's written this ridiculously intimidating profile praying nobody responds. He just doesn't realize it.) http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/private-blog-gods-gift.html

~Priv Blog - Shelter From The Storm
I said it in a post a few months ago...the physical aspect of our relationships has cooled off greatly.Because of that I assumed I'd be hearing from him less. Instead I've been hearing from him more in the past year than I have in the 7 years off and on we've been involved. We're now at a place where the sex has taken a back seat to the sense of safety we provide for each other.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/private-blog-shelter-from-the-storm.html

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A Date With Deception

Name: Almost home | Location: Jamaica , NY |Question: Dear Moxie,
I recently signed up for an online dating site and met a great guy who seemed very interesting. We emailed and then have a lengthy conversation over the phone that left us both feeling shared chemistry. His words were that he was blown away and deeply impressed. So, we decided to meet up the night of thanksgiving to chat in person over coffee. The conversation was great and we had so much in common. It so easy to be ourselves, relax, share and the vibes were really good. He said he really enjoyed our conversation, was blown away and wanted to see me again. The feelings were mutual.  Before we decided to leave, I stepped to the ladies room and returned to finish our conversation and a text message appeared on my cell phone from him saying, "Almost home." I read it and looked across the table at him, asking, "Almost home?" and he looked confused and said, "huh?", I said, "You sent me a text msg saying, almost home." He said, I sent that to you? Oh. Its the playlist. What is your email? I can resend it. (Pretending he was sending me the music we were just sharing on his ipod) I didn't buy it so I sat and silently watched him fumble his way through the awkward moment. We left the place and in the car, I told him, that I needed to be upfront with him about feeling the text msg was "suspect" and it has made me feel "weird" about his intentions and us moving further. He said, "I know, that and I admit that I wasn't particularly honest with you. I have a very close friend who is gay, facing deportation and has gone through a tremendous amount of drama in filing his paperwork, interviews etc. I am trying to help him through the process and he would like to speak to me about it tonight. He knows that I am out and would talk to him when I get home and I sent him a msg letting him know. That's all." I asked him why couldn't he say that in the beggining? I don't remember his response. He asked if we could go find a place to chat about it over coffee. At least 2-3 other times during the night, he said, "I don't have anyone at home. I know I messed up with you and I apologize for the earlier fiasco. I really enjoy spending time with you and would very much like to go out with you again and hope that you would be willing to give me a second chance." I nodded but didn't give him a response. We continued our conversation and left the cafe. The next day he didn't hear from me. He knew that I was planning to go to a jazz club at midnight the next night to hear a friend's band and that I would be alone and he popped up, sending me a text msg saying, "I'm here, are you here?" On the inside, I was happy he showed up but I didn't reply to the text until I got there about 40 minutes later.  He met me at the bar and walked me to his table. When I told him I was surprised to see him here, he said, "Its been on my mind all day today. I cancelled meetings and appointments to get here and just felt that I should come. Did you mind?" I told him that I didn't and when it was time to go we talked and I said, "I still feel little iffy about things since last night. Are you with someone?" He said, "No. I have met people online but I am not in a relationship with anyone." Afterwards, we left and the next day he sent me a message saying it was great seeing me last night and that we should keep it as friends. And to let him know if I hear of any other great bands playing. Just as I was considering giving him another chance. Don't know what to think or do. |Age: 33

This guy is seeing someome. Or, at the very least, hiding something. If he was as deeply impressed and blown away by you as he said, and knew he was the one to screw things up, then he'd have stuck it out longer. Instead he bailed after the second date. Also suspicious is that he'd come out to meet you for that second "date" so late at night.

His excuse was just that. An excuse. He gave too many details. He could have just said he had to help a friend file their immigration papers. His sexuality was irrelevant.

Also suspect, if you're quoting him directly/exactly, is the language he uses.

"I don't have anyone at home"

"I am not in a relationship with anyone."

Translation: "There are others."

It's distancing language. Like Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." That woman. Not Monica Lewinsky. That woman. Distancing language is basically when someone chooses a longer than average route to say something pretty simple. It's usually a sign of deception. Add that to the amount of details he offers and his admission that he rescheduled plans and meeting just for you after only one date...yeah, this guy isn't being honest with you.

I don't care how much you like someone...nobody is tipping their hand that soon, after one date, if the feelings are genuine. He was pumping things up before you even met. He was "blown away" and "deeply impressed." By a phone call? Really? Then his tale of canceling other plans and meetings just to get to that bar and see you. Please. Was he traveling from the North Pole? He wanted you to feel obliged to stick around and hang with him. Any early stage date that involves a guy showing up later at night at a bar to meet a woman is usually about sex and sex only.

This guy is trying way too hard to not have agenda. The effusive comments, popping by a bar at midnight unannounced, the stories. My guess? He was a False Pretense Dater, looking for a quick lay or only something casual. He wasn't invested enough to try and win back your trust. Instead he figured he'd paint himself as this guy who's so into you that he'd reschedule plans and meeting just to be with you. He wanted you to feel special. Comfortable enough to maybe go home with him. That didn't work so he bailed. He knew he screwed up, he knew you didn't trust him and wasn't up for doing the work required to get back in your good graces. Good for you for following your own instincts. They never lie. (I gather you parted ways after you both left the club. You didn't say that, but I'm assuming.)

As an aside, and maybe because I've been watching Criminal Minds marathons all weekend, his use of "anyone" instead of "other women" coupled with the fact that his immigrant friend is gay (so he claims) makes me wonder if maybe this guy is Bi. Also..."Almost Home" is the title of a playlist. "Almost home." is a statement. Play lists don't require punctuation.

~Priv Blog - Bravado- How Important Is Sex?
If, by 40, you're still using the "he wasn't good enough in bed to satisfy me" excuse, there are bigger issues at work here, and those issues are why you're 40 and single. I hear men and women this age says things like this and just want to tell them to grow up already.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/obligation.html

~Priv Blog - Shelter From The Storm
I said it in a post a few months ago...the physical aspect of our relationships has cooled off greatly.Because of that I assumed I'd be hearing from him less. Instead I've been hearing from him more in the past year than I have in the 7 years off and on we've been involved. We're now at a place where the sex has taken a back seat to the sense of safety we provide for each other.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/private-blog-shelter-from-the-storm.html

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Emotional Rescue

We hear a lot of talk about how so many men are commitment-phobes and emotionally unavailable. But what about women?

Men don't marry down or dumb it down as you say because it puts them in charge.  Men marry women who make them feel good about themselves.  I can't speak for the women "at the top" ....but usually in order to get to the top [especially if it was all through hard work and determination and not nepotism, as the OP claims] it requires a kind of piercing self focus and obsession.  Usually, people like that can't or don't switch it off and focus on someone else.  They have to be number one, they have to be the best.  It's how they got to the top.  Men generally don't want to compete all day at work and then come home to someone who wants to dominate them and show them that they're not the best, because their wife is the BEST. - Jada

I want to add something to this. Something else men look for when choosing a mate is emotional availability.We spoke the other day about how men like a challenge, and they do to some degree. But in order for them to feel comfortable pursuing a woman, they need to know that once they "catch" them that the woman is going to be accepting and open to the affection and love that they plan to give. 

When you're looking to fulfill a position, you hold interviews. In each interview, there are certain questions asked in order to determine if the candidate is qualified for the job. Same thing goes for dating. Here are two of the more important questions men have when they are "interviewing" potential girlfriends:

1. Can She Trust Me? - If the woman they've begun to date shows an inability to trust them, that's a red flag. Men don't wish to be held responsible for the Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. Nor do they feel like expending a great deal of time reassuring a woman that they mean what they say. Men don't mind a little hesitancy. What they have little patience for is flat our paranoia and suspicion.  By expressing, either blatantly or passively, a lack of trust in a guy, the message you're sending is, "I think you're untrustworthy." Guys hate being the bad guy anyway. But they really hate being made to feel like the bad guy when they haven't even done anything yet.

2. Can She Be Vulnerable? - Crucial. Huge. Men don't have the time or patience to devote to chipping away at the hard outer shell that some women have in order to get to their creamy center, so to speak. This doesn't mean you have to act like some giggling, blushing, blinking buffoon. But if you are too rigid or too controlling or closed off emotionally, you're going to turn a guy off.Guys need to see that a woman feels comfortable showing a softer side. Especially if the man is looking to eventually have children. Men know bravado. They know fake confidence.

I was on a date yesterday. As we walked through Union Square, he asked me what I planned to do for the rest of the day and whether I'd be seeing family. I told him my family was up in Boston, and that I had tentative plans to meet up with friends later for dessert. He asked why the plans were tentative, saying I shouldn't be alone on a holiday. At least twice he mentioned that Boston was merely a four hour train ride and that I could be home in time for dinner if I hopped on an Amtrak right then. I told him of my plans to go home this weekend. (I didn't tell him my Dad was currently in the hospital for fear he'd think I was a complete monster. My day Saturday will be spent at a hospital in Boston. My father is fine, btw. Gall stones, but with his heart problems they had to keep him in for a week or so to make sure there were no additional issues. I spoke to my step-mother who assured me he has turned the corner and is fine. My sister, on the other hand, made him sound like he was hovering at death's doorway. )

Back to my date...our date was planned knowing we'd only have about an hour and a half together, as he had plans for dinner. As we got up to walk towards the subway, he encouraged me to text my friend and find out where they were, and then walked me to the subway and gave me detailed instructions on how to find the restaurant. He then bought me a $5 Metrocard, kissed me good bye and sent me on my way.

I realized, as I sat on the subway headed downtown, that he was probably taken aback by how willing I was to spend a holiday alone. I think he, and a lot of men, consider something like that a red flag. That it might be indicative of how emotionally closed off I was. 

I think that scares men, makes them fear for their own vulnerability. A woman too emotionally shut down, too independent, too rigid...she's not safe to a man. Men, I think, in the begining need to see just the glimmer of warmth from a woman. They need to see the possibility of a safe place for them to go and shed their own armor.

~Priv Blog - Bravado- How Important Is Sex?
If, by 40, you're still using the "he wasn't good enough in bed to satisfy me" excuse, there are bigger issues at work here, and those issues are why you're 40 and single. I hear men and women this age says things like this and just want to tell them to grow up already.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/obligation.html

~Priv Blog - The Other Woman's Man
I wonder just how many people like this are out there? It's not just women, either. I know men who love the idea of screwing another guy's girlfriend or wife just to one up their male rival.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/the-other-womans-man.html

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Hey Jealousy

Name: Holly | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie, okay here it is. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. I love him soooooo much. We are really happy. But recently we have kind of hit the skids. See, there is a new guy at my office, Marc. He is really sweet, and really attractive as well. We were both put on the same project at work so we have been together a lot. We got to know each other while on the job and became friends. We began to hang out after work and talk grab a drink whatever. I have nor have I ever been attracted to him. Okay maybe for like the first day because he's pretty smooth but, after we got to know each other he was just my friend. I introduced him to my boyfriend and he seemed okay with me hanging out with him. Lately he seemed kind of jealous of my friendship with Marc. I told him that he had nothing to worry about but he wouldn't let it go. Anyway, two weeks ago, he went to LA on business. He was coming back two days early and he called and asked me to pick him. I wasn't home so he got my machine. When I came home I didn't listen to my messages because I had company Marc, came over to give me a cooking lesson. He was teaching me how to make flan for a hispanic feast I was attending the following day. My boyfriend then showed up at my door, angry that I didn't pick him up. When he Marc and I eating together he was less than happy. He made Marc leave, and asked me not to see him anymore. I, of course, got upset and told him that he couldn't choose my friends. I had already told him that nothing was going on, why couldn't he trust me. He left and didn't call me for days. Finally I called Marc and explained to him that I loved my boyfriend and in relationships you have to make sacrifices, and that we couldn't hang out outside of work anymore. My boyfriend was happy, and I was happy that he was happy. A week later I really started to miss Marc. Walking down the street I saw so many things that he would make the craziest jokes about. We had so much fun together, I started to hate that I wrote him off. I told my boyfriend that I wasn't happy and that I was going to hang out with Marc and because he is my friend and nothing is going on. He broke up with me. Last night at 3am, I get a call from Marc in the hospital. It turns out that he and my ex boyfriend went to the same bar last night. My boyfriend was there getting drunk alone and Marc was with a date. My ex approached him and said " First you make your my girl cheat on me, and now your cheating on her." Marc told him that we have never been anything more than friends. My ex didn't believe him, and you mix that with 10 beers and you have a fight. My ex pulled Marc off of the stool and began they began to go at it. The bouncer kicked my ex out.  He was still mad, so he waited around the side of the club. When Marc came out my ex came after him and they got into it on the side alley. The bouncers came out and broke it up, called and ambulance. Just to have em checked out. Marc was all scratched up and a huge gash on his arms. He was fine enough to go home a few hours later. He told the police who it was that he fought and they put an warrant out for him. I went home at 5 am, and my ex was sitting on my couch, with his hand wrapped in one of my towels drenched in blood. I convinced him to let me take him to the hospital, and to turn himself in. He said that if that was the only way I would lve him again then, he would. I told him I would, even though I didn't know if I could, because I knew he had to get help with his hand. The next morning he sobered up, and was releases because Marc dropped the charges. He came to my apartment and begged for me to forgive him. I didn't know what to do. I told him that I really needed a break from the boy drama and that I would call him when I was ready to talk. I could really use some wise words.  |Age: 24

OK....first?

You have feelings for Marc. All I did was read this letter and I could see that. So you're boyfriend had reason to not want you to hang out with him. The fact is, on more than one occasion, you put Marc before your own boyfriend. You didn't check your own voice mail because Marc was there? Would you have checked it if it were a female friend that was with you? Or did you avoid the machine because you didn't want Marc to hear the message from your boyfriend? If so..why?

If the gender roles in this story were reversed, you can bet a bunch of people would be all over the woman who is hanging out with a guy they know had a girlfriend. So, for the sake of equality, I'm going to say what I would say if this letter was written by a man.

Unless Marc didn't originally know you had a boyfriend (and that's a distinct possibility) he now should sleep in the bed that he made for himself. I don't advocate physical violence, but if you're going to chum around with some other man's girlfriend (like go to her place for cooking lessons when he's away on work), expect to pay the price. He pressed charges? Drama Queen. That wasn't about justice. That was about who had the biggest dick, and that type of namby pamby bullshit is almost always over a woman or their ego or both. That was Marc's way of getting the last word and making your boyfriend look bad. And that? Is about you.

Your boyfriend asked you to do something and you chose not to. You chose your feelings over his, and for a guy who's been in your life for a couple months. We're not talking a life long friendship that your boyfriend asked you to lose. That would be a different story. Your boyfriend could sense you had an interest in Marc, and that's what got him so hot and bothered.

I've said this before...I am leery of opposite sex friendships. There are boundaries that need to be respected. No late night phone calls, no constant drama where they need your mate to hurry over to their apartment, no trips away together without you. If the single friend shows a little too much dependancy on the friend in a relationship, that's a huge red flag. As is constant insidery jokes and stories that are told or relayed in the girlfriend/boyfriend's presence. That's a passive aggressive ways of telling the BF/GF "See? I know stuff about him/her that you don't."

As long as boundaries are respected, I have no problem. But hanging out with you at your place while your boyfriend is away to get a cooking lesson? Yeah, that's one of those times when I'd have a problem.

Your boyfriend also clearly has issues, and if he's going around fighting people and hitting them, you shouldn't be anywhere near him until he works that stuff out.

The three of you need to go your separate ways and all of you need to grow up.

~Priv Blog - Bravado- How Important Is Sex?
If, by 40, you're still using the "he wasn't good enough in bed to satisfy me" excuse, there are bigger issues at work here, and those issues are why you're 40 and single. I hear men and women this age says things like this and just want to tell them to grow up already.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/obligation.html

~Priv Blog - The Other Woman's Man
I wonder just how many people like this are out there? It's not just women, either. I know men who love the idea of screwing another guy's girlfriend or wife just to one up their male rival.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/the-other-womans-man.html

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The Thrill of The Chase

Name: Nina |  | Location: New York , New York |Question: I went on a date this past weekend and felt things went well - had a lot to talk about, some things in common and really I felt enjoyed each other's company.  We actually work in the same building, but our paths rarely cross - except in the hallway sometimes.  We met a few months back, and then hadn't seen each other and our paths crossed again and had a conversation - realized we lived in the same neighborhood etc.  I asked him out by saying we should go this cafe he had never been to - turns out we made plans that evening over email to get together the following weekend.  We emailed and texted for most of the week. We had our date and we ended up spending about 8 hours together.  When one place would close, he would walk me home and I was waiting for him to say - okay I had a nice time yadda yadda.  That never happened and we would be in front of my building for about 10-15 minutes talking so I suggested we go to another place - this happened about 3 times.  The last time, we are in front of my building and I don't know why I didn't say - okay thanks....but I didn't want it to end - I asked him to come up - I know you may not believe but I didn't have any intentions of sleeping with him.  He said I looked tired and declined.  I was relieved and then he kissed me - it was a little awkward and he left.  I thanked him over email - never heard anything and then saw him this morning at work and we just exchanged smiles - I emailed him after and said it was nice to see him and wished him a nice day.  I have not heard a thing from him.  I feel a little ridiculous even writing this because I guess I should realize he is just not that interested or if he is he will email.  But why all the contact last week and then nada now??? So confused!! |Age: 35

Well, first things first. Are you sure he knew it was a date? Maybe he thought it was just a casual, platonic "let's hang out" thing? I think he did know it was a date, but I wanted to throw that possibility out there before I get to the rest of my thoughts.

Okay, here's the main problem here....you did all the chasing. You made it quite obvious that you were interested in him. So there was no mystery. He knew he could have you. Game over.  I've said this before and many men will disagree, but men like a challenge. Or at least the idea of a challenge. What they hate is hoop jumping antics. That's where they draw the line. They're not playing in to that type of BS. If they call and leave a message, call them back fairly soon after getting the message. If they email or text, reply back the same day. Yeah, don't respond right away to either, wait a couple hours, but reply. Game? Yes. But if it didn't work so often we wouldn't do it.

He may have been interested, or at least intrigued, earlier in the night, But when you asked him up to your apartment, you sent a very distinct signal. Guys hear that invitation and think, "Ahh...she wants to sleep with me." And something tells me you totally would have. By 35, I'm sure you know better than to invite guy upstairs after a first date unless you want things to get physical. If you just wanted a kiss, then you could have stayed downstairs by your door and done a little late night making out. I think this was the fatal blow, so to speak. If he was on the fence, this pushed him over to the "not interested" side.

I think one of two things happened - he was never interested in the first place, or he was interested and felt you were too anxious or aggressive or just looking to get laid.

Sure, fine, ask a guy out. But you gotta let him take the lead a bit, too. You just kept intercepting any move he may have wanted to make. Plus, by doing so, you kind of came off a little desperate. That's going to make a guy run for the hills almost as much as the threat of drama/conflict.

Don't contact this guy anymore. If he's interested, he'll reach out to you. But I wouldn't hold your breath. I think you're going to have to write this one off as a lesson learned. Don't pursue so hard.  If you want to ask a guy out, then do so, but then let him take some of the initiative too.

~PRIVATE BLOG - SIMPLE MAN
I was talking to my sister after I got off the phone with him and told her that he never went to college. I was surprised that I wasn't more bothered by that, I said. Education was always something I considered so important, a core value. I'm the only one in my immediate family, other than my Dad, who went to college. He always placed such an importance on education and taking advantage to all educational opportunities available to us. But here's one of those must haves that falls down the list as being less important depending on the situation.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/private-blog-post-simple-man.html

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Should She Fight For Her Ex?

Name: argh | Location: Hoboken , NJ |Question: I think I'm still in love with my boyfriend from college.  We dated for 3 years and in the 10 years since we broke up, I realize that I haven't had another relationship in which I've felt as close of a connection to the other person as I had with T.  I've had a lot of long-term relationships with good guys, but T and I just connected on another level and I can say without a doubt that we loved each other very much.  We broke up because I moved away to pursue my career. He moved with me but we only lived together for a couple of months before he realized that he wanted to go back to his hometown. Over the years, we've kept in touch only once every couple of years. We would do the typical, "So are you married yet?" and would laugh together as we'd share dating disasters. I could tell he missed me and still had feelings for me.  Till one day a couple of years ago, his answer to that question was "Yes, and I have a little boy." I lost it. I could hardly continue the conversation because I was crying so hard. He felt awful. He even tried to tell me that he married his wife only because he got her pregnant and he hinted that the marriage wasn't all that sound. He said that things may have turned out differently if he thought he had a fighting chance with me.  I didn't want to hear it at the time. We still email every once in a while. I always ask how his son is doing, but I avoid any talk about his wife or marriage. But now I want to know if he's happily married. Is it OK to ask him that or am I opening up a can of worms? I would love to get together with him for dinner to see if anything is still there between us. Is this wrong??? |Age: 34

He said that things may have turned out differently if he thought he had a fighting chance with me.

He did have a fighting chance with you. He gave it up after two months. Doesn't sound very invested to me at all. Could it be that, after living together for two months, he realized you weren't the one for him and just used the homesick excuse to bolt?

In a passive aggressive way, he's blaming you for why he settled for the woman he married. "Had I thought I had a chance with you, I wouldn't have ever married her!" Is that really someone you want to be with? He's trying to make it your fault. When, in fact, it's his fault. He doesn't want to own his choices. He got married because his wife got pregnant. Well, did she do that by herself? No. He would have fought for you if he thought he had a chance. Didn't he have the chance?

You're "in love" with the guy from 10 years ago, and even then he sounded like a bit of a loser. He's now, what..34 or 35, in a "bad" marriage, has a child....and you want to jump back in to that hot mess at 34? Why would you want to do that? Are you romanticizing how that relationship will go? Are you, even for a moment, considering that you would be a step-parent if this travesty ever did work out? It's like you're only thinking about yourself. As is he. So..that kind of explains why you two got together in the first place. Neither of you have a mature idea of what commitment is all about. At 24 it's excusable for him to be a flake. But in his mid-thirties? No way. This guy is a child.

This guy is never going to make the monumentally hard choice to divorce his wife and leave his son. He doesn't have the guts to do it, nor does he have the stomach for such tension. Go ahead, ask him to dinner. Are you two even remotely geographically desirable at this pointy? Didn't you move?

Here's how it will go: He'll whine about how hard his marriage is, probably throw in the lack of sex for good measure, praise his son and talk about how much he loves him and can't even begin to think what it would be like to not see him every day.(coughcoughexitplancoughcough) He'll tell you how much he misses you and how often he thinks about you. You'll get all caught up in the crumbs that he's throwing you and start to think there just might be a chance for you two crazy kids after all. Then soon you'll be 35 and still entrenched in this mess. By 36, that is if you finally detached yourself from this situation, you'll still be mooning over him and comparing every guy you meet to him. Then you're 37..and dating has suddenly gotten much more difficult than you can remember it being at 34. You're pretty much burnt on dating and men in general, now considering most men to be cheating slugs. So you'll date more cheating slugs because, hey, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Then you're 40 with absolutely nothing to show for your romantic efforts. And......scene.

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A Ring And a Prayer

Name: Mandy | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Two and a half years ago, I broke up with the love of my life. Our relationship was amazing. He was sweet, we could talk about anything and everything, and we connected perfectly in just about every way. We broke up because he was so wrapped up in his career that, at first, he was late for everything we'd planned, then he would cancel our dates, and finally he just stood me up all together. I got sick of it and had to end it. About 6 months later I started dating my current boyfriend. We have been together for two years now. About six months ago I re-connected with my ex. We decided to be good, friends like we used to be, before we started dating. We hang out a lot and talk like we used to but, never about my relationship. The way that he looks at me, I feel like he still has intense feelings for me; and even worst I think I still have feelings for him. Neither of us ever talk about it, it's kind of just this unspoken attraction that we both know is there, but we aren't doing anything about. Well, three days ago my current boyfriend proposed to me. I told him that it was a huge step and I really needed some time to think about it. He was okay with it, and gave me a week until he would take the offer off of the table. He figured if I didn't know by then, then he knew I wasn't ready. He went to Boston on business and will be back in three days. Yesterday my ex took me out for coffee and I told him about the proposal. His response was a shocked and heartbreaking stare out of the window of the coffee shop. Then he cleared his throat and asked me if I'd given him an answer. I told him that I told my boyfriend I needed time to think about it, and he looked confused. He then asked me if I was leaning a certain way, towards yes or no, and I just said "I don't know." He then stood up and said "That's news, that's great. I'm happy for you, I really am." Then he said he had to get to work and that he'd call me later. The way he hurried out of the coffee shop I knew I would never get that call, and I didn't. Now my boyfriend is coming home in 3 days and I am more confused than ever. Can you help me? |Age: 26

It's funny I should get this letter today, right while I was researching Sex & The City quotes for the book. Here's one that sort of applies to this situation. It was when Carrie decided to move to Paris with Aleksander and Big stops by her apartment unannounced the night she's leaving.

Carrie : You do this every time! Every time! What do you have, some kind of radar? 'Carrie might be happy, it's time to sweep in and s**t all over it!'

And, of course, Carrie ends up with Big because..well..he's an emotionally stunted, selfish narcissist and so is she. Yay!

So, basically what you're asking is...should you choose the guy who loves you and who isn't afraid to commit to you and who isn't so consumed himself that he's actually capable of incorporating you in to his life....or should you go back to your stunted, selfish ex who has no problem trying to mess up your life because he's decided he's ready to be on time for a change?

Hmm...give me a moment to think on that one. Okay. Here's what I've come up with.

1. The fact that you continued to hang out with your Ex while in a committed relationship shows how little you value the commitment that you had with your Boyfriend. It also shows you how you'll freely engage in a situation that you know is inappropriate. Both points indicate a high degree of selfishness and immaturity. You are only 26, so to some degree you get a slight pass. But we're talking marriage here. So I'm not really feeling like patting you on the head and chucking you under your chin. Marriage. 

2. If you have to think about or mull over a marriage proposal, you're not ready to get married. At least not to this man. I can't imagine a worse response to a proposal than "Can I think about it?" He's thought about it..a lot a apparently as he was willing to plop down some serious cash for/on a deposit for a ring. He wasn't deterred by the fact that he'll probably be paying off that ring for a couple years or that he was using a chunk of savings to purchase something that was supposed to signify his level of commitment. That's not a decision a guy makes overnight. That takes planning and care and thought. And, all the while, you were hanging with your Ex. Wow. Look at it from that perspective. 

3. Your Ex is a douche of the highest order. Like Big, he gets off on dropping in and out of your life and screwing with your relationships so that you don't forget about him. Frequent tardiness isn't just a quirk or tiny character flaw. It's usually a sign of acute narcissism and selfishness. By being late, they're making every wait for them, thereby making each situation all about them. It's also a way to "punish" people and maintain control.

I'm not going to spoon feed you this answer. Why should I do that? So you can have someone else to blame? Uh uh. I'm not playing that game with you. The funny thing is...you don't even appear to have considered the possibility that your boyfriend may have done some thinking as well. Maybe he realized your response wasn't the response he deserved and decided to take the proposal back anyway.

~PRIVATE BLOG - MODEL BEHAVIOR
I've said many times that I know what league I am in and what men I can reasonably attract. So I guess Stefano 019  that's why I'm so torn about a guy from Nerve that asked me out for coffee.
He's a model. Granted, he's a 48 year old model (and by model I mean for insurance ads and the like, not magazine or underwear) but still. Just the word "model" sends me down the shame spiral. Yes, I know I'm a pretty girl. Pretty as in attractive enough, not hot.
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/atwysprivate/2009/11/private-blog-model-behavior.html

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When You Have To Resort to Cyber Stalking ...He's Just Not That Into You

Name: I need a push to MOVE ON! |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: Moxie,

I'm a avid reader of your column and love the advice you give EVERYONE!  I need some of my own or at least a little push to move on!

I have been dating a 41 year old man off and on for the last year.  He's been telling me as of late that he cares about me a lot and wants me in his life but doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now.  He even told my best friend this.  He just finalized his divorce, they were separated for two years.  The off times I found him on match and other sites, including ddhg.com (comical, yes!) but I thought I really had no right to be mad as we were not in an exclusive relationship during those times.  I last saw him a month ago while at his house. I couldn't sleep so I was playing with his phone and looked at his text messages.  He had messages from a stripper asking him to come and watch her as well as as an employee asking if they could go back to having an employee boss relationship.  I got very upset and ended communication with him after many back and forth texts, etc.  I was away for a week in which we communicated every day, he was in India the following week, again we communicated every day.  He's been back from India since Saturday....I looked at his fb profile today and as of yesterday his status was changed to in a relationship??????  I've also now asked around about what really happened with his wife of 13 years and he cheated on her numerous times and also has a past addiction.  the last communication I had with him was the same day he changed his status.  He asked me for a rain check to meet me, did I mention he also lives SIX BLOCKS FROM ME!!!  He moved to my neighborhood by the way.  His excuse on the rain check was he had one of his daughters.

I know what I need to do I'm just sorry it took me so long to see it and then I didn't believe it until I saw it on FB.  I'm still left wondering where did this relationship come from?  He was active on match the week after I halted communication.  Has she been around all along or is she new and if so how did she immediately get into his life to the point where he'll tell his friends and family that he's committed to her but would never with me because of timing or he wanted to date after his divorce.  And, has she changed him or at 41 will he continue to cheat on her as he has with me, it now sounds like others, and also his ex-wife.

Please knock some sense into me as I shouldn't even care about the answers to these questions!!!  I know the right answers but am still questioning if he was ready to be in a relationship why wasn't it me?   |Age: 31

God, there are so many answers to that question. Why was he ready for a relationship with someone else but not you? Who says he's ready for a relationship at all? Who knows if he really is in a relationship?

The off times I found him on match and other sites, including ddhg.com (comical, yes!) but I thought I really had no right to be mad as we were not in an exclusive relationship during those times.

So, basically, you were Google Stalking him? OK. Let's forget about him for a second. Between doing cyber re-con work and "playing" with his phone (*eyeroll*).....you're clearly kind of a mess. Which is why you were dating this douche to begin with. Guys like him feed off of women like you...needy, insecure, maybe a little crazy. The love to watch you get all worked up. They love the idea that you're sitting home Googling him or blogging about him or whatever. The fact that you found him on DDHG.com (DontDateHimGirl.com) should have been a big red flag that this guy is  a loser. Not to give the crackpots that utilize that site any credibility, as they're clearly a mess with their own emotional issues, but just getting mentioned on there means he either has really poor judgment and/or he drives women over the edge. The fact he dated a woman vindictive enough to post his name on a website and yap about what he may or may not have done to her should have served as a warning as to what kind of women he dates and what he's like to deal with.

You have GOT to nip this in the bud now. Like, today. Call a therapist and get some professional help, You show low self-esteem and alarming obsessive tendencies. Not a good combination. You're two steps away from justifying stalking.

Guys like this have a way of pushing women like you off the ledge. He doesn't care about you or anyone else he dates. He's a narcissist. And narcissists care only about themselves and little about anyone else. These are the guys who will lie about having herpes or a wife or a whole secret life. And they do it without feeling a bit of remorse.

Also, to clarify, he never cheated on you. The fact that you would say that tells me and everyone else how you had a distorted idea of this relationship. This guy was never committing to anyone. He was always keeping his options open. You were not exclusive or monogamous, ergo he couldn't "cheat" on you. (Is this story sounding familiar to anyone??)  If I were you, my main concern would be that he didn't pass along some nasty STD or worse. And I would tell you to start being more discerning about who you sleep with. If you dated this guy, you're no doubt dating other guys like him. Stop focusing and falling for the charm or the suits or the gifts or the expensive dates. Stop feeding the egos of these men. Any relationship that compels you to cyber-stalk a guy is never a good one. Men like this and women like you are combustible combinations.

You wanted a push? I just gave you one. Get thee to a therapist pronto before you get involved with another guy like this and something really tragic happens. And I guarantee you, if you do not get your issues sorted out, something tragic WILL happen.

Stop justifying your behavior and making excuses and blaming him. This isn't the first time you've resorted to stuff like this or dated a guy like this. You know it and I know it. It will only get worse from here on out.

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The Exit Strategy

Name: Elle | | Location: Philly , PA |Question: I have been seeing this guy for over three months. He told me that he is not interested in a serious relationship because of the hours he puts in at work and the fact that he wants to go overseas to do "Doctors without borders". While I think that this is a very noble cause and way of life. This is not what I am interested in in my future. And I told him that. And I also told him that I am interested in marriage in my future and in having kids. He told me that he does not want to lead me on and that I can see other guys so that I can basically meet someone to settle down with.

I don't call the guy. I only respond to his texts and phone calls. We have only gone on three dates during these three months. Earlier this week he called me to ask me if I wanted to go to Los Vegas with him for New Year's Eve. All expense paid trip on him. I am confused. Why is this guy treating me to a very expensive trip if he is not interested in a serious relationship with me. I don't look like a model. So I doubt that it is because he wants to sleep with me. Also I feel so guilty. Since he is not interested in a future with me, I feel guilty accepting this trip from him. Although going on the trip sounds like a blast and I can't afford a trip like this, I don't know if I should go. I don't want to take advantage of him. My friends all say that I should go. What do you guys think I should do? Would a trip like this be considered taking advantage of him? I think that he is doing this because he doesn't have anyone else to spend New Years eve with. But an all expense paid trip. That's sounds a bit ridiculous.  |Age: 29

While it's totally possible that this guy might, someday, participate in Doctors Without Borders, I'm guessing that's a line he uses to set expectations. Basically, he's created an Exit Strategy so that the women he dates don't get too cozy or settled in. He's telling women upfront, "Look, I don't plan on sticking around."  Instead of just coming out and saying he has no intention of engaging in a serious relationship , he uses the doctors without borders excuse so he can a) set up an escape clause without b) looking like a dirt bag. I'm not saying he's going to fake leaving the country to get away with you. He's just putting it out there so you're clear that there is a looming end date to this arrangement.

The Exit Strategy comes in many different forms. They alert you, in their profile or on the first date, that they travel a lot for work or work crazy hours. Or that they're considering moving to another state. (I see that in a guy's profile and I bail immediately.) Or they just flat out tell you, unprovoked, that they aren't looking for anything serious. If you're looking for an eventual relationship, these guys should be avoided.

He's asking you to go away with him because he likes you. Just not enough to actually have a relationship with you. He's setting the boundaries and expectations very clear so that if you do get attached, he can say "But I told you I wasn't looking for anything serious." Is it taking advantage of him? Nope. It would be taking advantage if the roles were reversed and you were the one not looking for a relationship. You have no idea how much it actually cost. He could be getting the rooms for free or maybe has Frequent Flyer miles. He actually could be spending very little.

Don't try and use this as a way to convince yourself he's actually looking for something serious. He's likely not. He's told you as much. He's the guy who likes companionship and sex, but not commitment.

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Cashmere Mafia Mentality

I am not magda, even though I do agree with her on almost all counts, hence borrowed her line.  

I work in finance in New York and deal with young financiers, highly competitive guys and gals every day. This is a grossly successful crowd by the middle america standards. We're talking high 6 to 7 digits here. I can not tell you how many model-like looking, smart, driven and successful girls in the field get passed on every day in favor of teachers, nurses and actresses-waitresses. Ultimately, a great deal of those marriages result into painful divorce settlements for men, but they would rather run this risk than date and marry their equals. I have a degree from a top ivy league business school, and I recall that when I was there, the b-school guys would go straight to the teachers college across the street to get dates. Go figure. I probably have close to two hundreds women in my social/professional network, and I could count on the fingers of one hand the ones who got married to their equals, let alone up. It really is lonely at the top after all.

... I come from a very humble background, and owe all I have to my own hard work and sheer determination.

Moxie, I enjoy reading your blog and it's fun, but you really outside of your scope of expertise when it comes to this "lonely at the top" issue. You have to be here to experience it.

You may make whatever assumptions you want about my personality, even though making such a judgment about somebody you've never met is telling, but nobody can argue with the fact that the supply/demand at the top is skewed in favor of men.

They can date and marry anybody from their equals to their personal assistants and waitresses, successful women tend to want successful guys. As a result, the pool women are looking at is MUCH smaller than the pool the guys are looking at, and on top of that they need to compete with forever-24 office managers who mostly have nothing but time to get their nails done and have never pulled an all-nighter in their life. 

Oh, and contrary to what seems to be a popular belief around here, ugly women lacking people skills don't make it to the top. The ones who do are genuinely good-looking and nice to be around, these are the qualities you need to get ahead.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SINGLE. Because you have to be right, because you're tragically self-involved and because you refuse to be vulnerable even over something completely innocuous. And, no doubt, you're the woman who has to have the last word. In summary, you're a nag.

Listen to yourself. Listen to how you have to put down these other women in order to make yourself feel better. Those office managers? They're getting your men. They're happy. You're out with your equally loathsome girlfriends boo hoo hooing over Cosmos about how men are just so intimidated by you. No. They just think you're unattractive. But your egos can't bear to hear that. Maybe you're just boring, ever think of that? Maybe you have nothing of interest to talk about, or, only talk about yourself.

The scary thing is that I'm seeing a lot of this from other women. Putting women down in an attempt to elevate themselves. Married women, pregnant women, engaged women, women with boyfriends, women with these flashy clothes or jobs, women with less flashy diplomas on their walls and, of course, YOUNGER women. What happened ladies? Are you pissed off now that you realize that you've been working all your life trying to impress people and have nothing to show for it? It must really burn you to realize that some people don't live their life like it's one constant race for Prom Queen. And you don't just hate men, you hate women, too. (And, yeah, that's funny coming from me. I know.) You try to undermine women any chance you get. Know why? Because you think it's your only option. Which negates this phony, pretentious, bravado-laced schtick you've been relying on for so long.

Let me correct you. Successful, HAPPY women want and usually get successful guys. Successful entitled bitches get their loft apartments and colorist appointments and designer clothes but have nobody to show them off to. You're the catty bitches who attack other women's looks or weight or bank account or labels. Know why? Because those are the things that define YOU. Those are the criteria on which you choose to place importance and base your self-worth.

See, this is the problem. This is the narcissism and sense of entitlement I've been talking about.

When did so many women become such martyrs? Constantly whining and complaining about their "problems." You're alone because nobody has the time or interest to engage in your drama and self-created non-problems or enable you and your persecution complex.

P.S. Just wrote a post on the Private Blog about what is quite possibly the douchiest male online dating profile I've ever seen.

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