And THAT'S Why You're Single

In a little tip o' the hat gesture to Time Out New York's V-Day issue article Why You're Still Single, here are my answers to TONY's reasons as to why so many of us are...well...still single.

Because we’re desperate

• Okay, people. Stop with the innuendo on dates and in online advertisements. Stop dropping hints about how you're great in bed, hung like a horse, make a woman scream or can bend your ankles over your head. It's just..pathetic.
• Stop e-mailing people you meet online two, three,four times and ask "Did you get my last e-mail?" Yes, they got it. They're just not interested anymore.
• Don't create usernames for your online dating profiles like "SexyVixen" or "LoveDoctor" or "LegalEagle." Don't pimp yourself out that way. Letting everyone know that you're a) good in bed or b) working in a "prestigious" field makes you look like you're trying too hard. Stick to usernames that are light and simple pr maybe even a bit cryptic. And, good God, do not use the names of famous movie characters. Tyler Durden? Vito Corleone? Next!
• Keep your shirt on in profile photos.
• Don't pose with children in your online dating profiles.
• Don't use pictures where you're posing with members of the opposite sex.

Because you love the sound of your voice

Okay..this one? Some of you need to pay close attention to. It's one thing to be outspoken or opinionated. It's another thing to be pompous or shrill. Learn how to make a point and when to drop it. As I said in the comments section of a recent post, there's a fine line between being outspoken and passionate and being just plan obnoxious and negative.  Sarcasm is best kept for people who know you because, nine times out of ten, it's taken the wrong way.

Because you’re too controlling

I've been reading more of Eric Schaffer's blog. All I can say is..wow. Wow. He doesn't like when you speak to him while he eats. He buys women perfume because he likes them to smell a certain way. It amazes me that this guy can walk around not having a clue as to how he comes across. Or, maybe he does but just doesn't care. Guys, read his blog. Then do the exact opposite.

Because you just got dumped and have pledged never to love again

Yeah, I know. It's hard to get back out there. It's scary. I know. Believe me. But you gotta believe that it's going to happen. You can not, ever ever ever, lose hope. Whenever I used to get injured playing a sport I always forced myself to sit out for a couple minutes then get right back in to the game. If I didn't, if I waited til the next game to play I'd psyche myself out. You have to get out of your head. You have to stop telling yourself that "all" men or women are liars, cheats, etc.  I realized recently that my own thoughts were what were standing int he way of me finding what I was looking for. Remember how I said I thought a wedding was a waste of money? Well, that sourness on that sort of traditional wedding was getting in the way of me seeing myself married. Now, I still think it's a waste of money. But instead of thinking about it so negatively, I started appreciating the fantasy for what it was..a fantasy. It was a fun, light fantasy that had a whole lot of positive, happy images. Okay, you're going to laugh at me but..fuck it...I actually bought one of those Bride magazines recently. Picked out my dress. Have it hanging in my "office."   It's not so much about a goal as it is about an intention. You have to think "as if."

Because age is (and isn't) a factor

Guys, stop dating women half your age. Just quit it already. You do it because either they're easier to control (Eric Schaeffer, lookin' at you) or because they have lower expectations and are easier to impress. And, really, stop with the baby-making reasons. Yes, is it a little more difficult for a woman to conceive once she's hit 33. But it's not impossible. Stop making it sound like we over 35 women are barren. Stop throwing facts and figures at us and just inseminate us all ready. If the connection is there, then go with it. Besides, are you really going to complain about having more sex? Just stop with all the cautionary tales about birth defects. We know they exist and those women who are set on having children are doing what they can to take care of themselves so that we can be sure to keep up our end of the bargain. Give us some credit.

Ladies, stop clinging to your 20's and 30's. Stop with the "I'm 40 but look 30." Enough with that. You're not that age any more. Embrace it. If you're having trouble meeting a guy you're age, stop sticking your heels in the dirt and broaden your horizons. And, despite what I said above, accept the fact that some men will not bend when it comes to the desired age range of their mate. Stop being angry about it and resenting men for it and move on. Stop getting in your own way.

Because you’re a gal/guy who can’t stop dating actors/models/eye candy/musicians

Yeah, the bad boy thing. Quit that. Most (not all) actors, musicians, etc are not relationship material. They are self-obsessed man-children. What you're attracted to is the challenge. You think you can change them. You want to be their muse. You enjoy that constant drama and push-pull that they do so well. After a few of those relationships your spirit will be broken. Remember...Good looking does not necessarily mean good. Stop looking for a mate that can give you the social proof that you've wanted since high school. You were average looking. Join the club. You're not in 10th grade anymore. I was watching a segment on the news tonight about a dating service that matches up hot women with rich guys. All the guys they interviewed? Dorks. Rich dorks, but still dorks. Rich dorks paying big bucks just to be able to have a pretty girl sit across from them. And ladies, stop going for a guy based on his bank account. You're giving all of us a bad name. Get a job and make your own dough.

Because you only like people who don’t like you

Say it loud, say it proud. Learn to read the signs of interest. If you don't see them, but rather see people looking at their watch, checking their cell phone for messages, answering you in one word sentences.....walk away. Stop trying to force people to like you. Learn to not take it personally. I know that's hard to do, but it's vital if you want to eventually date someone who's good for and to you. If they treat you poorly and you take it, they'll never respect you. And you won't respect yourself. If they say they'll call and they don't, don't call them. If they're interested in you they will find a way to reach you. Stop making excuses and accept the fact that some people just don't want to be the bad guy. Pay close attention to those crushes you have on people who don't return the interest and figure out why you do it.

Because you’re a guy who’s too nice

Sorry, Charlie, but this is true. We ladies do want a "good" guy, but we want a guy with a backbone. You can play hard to get, too, and it will actually heighten the woman's attraction for you. Don't call her the next day after meeting her for the first time. Wait at least a full day. Don't shell out a ton of cash to impress her on a first date. Wait til you know she's truly interested in you. Sometimes women will test you to see how far they can push you.

Because you blog about everything

This was actually in Time Out's article. The more popular this blog and our company gets, the less freedom I have to write about my personal life. It's just the way it is. Leave the drama for yer mama. Or, at least, leave it for a blog that your mate can't find. Blogging is a great way to get feedback about your life or relationship, but only if you keep it anonymous. I'm ashamed at what little respect I had for past mate's privacy. I'm also ashamed at how I didn't respect the trust & intimacy I had with certain men. No man wants their life discussed on a blog,  no matter how many people read it. I've actually had guy friends tell me that if they find out a woman writes a blog, they won't date them. They don't want to be blog fodder. There are a ton of women out there who date specifically so they can have something to blog about. It's a buzz kill for a guy. Blogging about your love life has a bit of a stigma, and it's actually one that I think is rightly deserved.  It makes the woman look like a drama queen. (Myself included.) And what have we said about men and drama? They don't mix.

Because you’re too picky

How do I put this nicely? If you were all that and a bag of chips, you wouldn't be single. If you can't seem to sustain a relationship past a few dates then there is a problem. Deal with the problem because it might actually be you. I can't tell you how many men and women I meet with these inordinate expectations. Forget the laundry lists. Forget these superficial, intangible must-haves. "I like to laugh, so he/she should make me laugh" or "he has to be this tall" or "she has to have this kind of body." Nobody is saying to completely throw aside physical chemistry. I'm just suggesting to look past the exteriors a bit and get to know someone. Stop looking for the negatives. Stop sizing people up. Take a minute or two to just talk to them.

Because you’re so damn angry

Yeah, honestly people...pay close attention to how people react to you. Learn the difference between being proactive and being aggressive. Watch your tone. Do frequently find yourself in confrontations or arguments? Forget this excuse about being passionate. Sometimes it's passion. But not all the time. Anger is one of the few emotions that we seem to be able to clearly communicate in writing. It's tone is unmistakable. If you're frustrated or annoyed, leave it outside or deal with it before you inflict it on someone else. Anger can be scary and it's a sure fire way to keep people at a distance.

Have I left anything out? Feel free to add on.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[strange bird]

I think you are, more or less, right on here, too. People are rarely truly single because they haven't met the right person; they're single because they are getting in their own way. (Sometimes, maybe, okay.) I think I'm not 100% on board with all of the specifics, but I'm gonna say 98% ;).

[VJ]

Very well done Mox. I'm sure it'll be useful to many. And this was just too hot; "Stop throwing facts and figures at us and just inseminate us all ready." Expect a call from ES & a few more creepy crawlies. I mean that in the good sense! TONY's answer of course was consumerism writ large, which is a turn off for many. And besides the point as shown above. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[Ryan]

Oh I can think of a few people I know that are still single that the too picky one applies too. Right on!!! The funny thing about them is they don't realize how picky they are. Not only that, they think they are all of that. I often here, "What's wrong with me?" "why doesn't anyone want me?" Well you are a picky pain in the ass!!

[jeremy]

Rock on Moxie. At the risk of sounding dated, you're da bomb.

[lola]

Good list, Moxie. I especially like the advice of not posing with children if you don't have any. It comes across as creepy.

[Lulu]

About posting pics with the opposite sex, I especially find the ones where the guy cuts off the girl next to him highly creepy! and pathetic.

[ChiGirl]

Great list! To add to the desperate part, DON'T email people that aren't looking for dates. My friends are I always get messages on myspace from guys even though some of them are in relationships. Some even specifically say they are not looking for dates. There are so many people out there looking for love. Bug them!

[homeimprovementninja]

Wow. This is eerily accurate. Unfortunately, a lot of people suffering from these defects don't know it because they can't spot it in themselves.

Like the angry/bitter people. I met a girl last year who was cute but obviously had some anger issues. When I asked my friend about her, I said "I can't remember her name...you know, the cute girl who hates men." Then he told me that she recently went through a divorce and complains all the time about how she can't find nice guys to date. Ummmm, yeah. Maybe because normal people don't want to go out with Stalin's daughter.

A note about Eric Schaffer---I'm ashamed to even anonymously say that I am utterly sucked in by his blog. It's like watching a car wreck---appalling and disgusting and scary and yet I can't turn away.

I cannot believe he is real. Totally narcissistic---absolutely NO self awareness or empathy or sense of the way he may be perceived.

[amen]

Add this one people who can't commit. I know this woman who was so in love with this guy but she made no move to show that she wanted to be with him. When he made a move she backed away. She always claimed that she's not good enough for him so she backed away. But she wants to be with him. So there you go one foot in the water and the rest of the body on dry land, she'll never truly love anyone.

She's divorced because her husband was worried about her spending way too much time at school so she left because she wanted to pursue her dream. No negotiation nothing just decided what she wants is important.

She's afraid of loss so she runs from people who love her and whom she loves this way she won't feel the loss as much. The rationale is that we didn't have anything to begin with so there's no loss, she doesn't have to love with all her heart so the pain is decreased. The person will remain a could have been,a perfect love which just wasn't in the cards but would have been so beautiful.

[Wanderlusting Blog]

I totally agree, espcially about the blogging thing. I used to blog about my bf on my blog, and I still do, but I am careful about what I say...after all, he reads it! In the past though I was a bit loose with personal details and it became a problem between us. Thankfully I understood where he was coming from and if I am to blog about him I run it past him first. If he says no, I find another way to say what I was trying to say without using him as an example. It's worked perfectly so far...and I realize I don't need to post personal details just to get interest...especially when a beautiful relationship is on the line.

That said, I can totally see how some women (and men!) date just to blog about it. I can understand the hi-jinks of it and yes I do read it...but at the same time it just doesn't seem "kosher" to use someone else as fodder for entertainment...especially if they don't know about it. Maybe a few casual details are fine but when people start blogging about private stuff, I cringe a little bit. I wonder how they (the bloggers) would feel if they found a blog about them?

[Ballerina Gina]

I never even heard of Eric Schaeffer until I read about him here. Now I read his blog, too. Wouldn't want to date him, but I think he's a good writer.

[mike]

just curious moxie...where do you fit in on this list?

[Davy]

Can we post this in a bunch of public places where singles tend to hang out? Testify, sister!

[pattycake]

Good stuff! Telling it like it is. . .and why it isn't. . . someone's gotta do it, good for you. I should forward this to a few singulars I know, but that will just get them pissed at this delicate time of the year. . .