The Fall Guy

Name: Penny | Location: NY , NY |Question: Having been a "good girl" all my life and by this I mean I only had sex when in a LTR I was kind of excited when about 2 1/2 years ago I met a guy whom I thought I would try the whole booty call thing. You know late night calls and encounters with out the whole relationship thing. Although it is true when we do spend time together we can spend hours upon hours talking before we actually get down to business in my mind this was still a booty call. We have seen each other through some tough times including family, work, and relationship problems(It was really only one relationsip by me with a guy and during the time I stopped the fun part of the booty call but we still kept in contact). He admitted to me after my relationship with my ex ended that during the time we have had our encounters (2 1/2yrs.) he hasn't been with anyone else. I noticed recently we've been spending most of out booty call time talking than anything else and when I brought this to his attention he replied "I don't want you to think that's all I want". I always thought that he was a very fun and nice guy but never actually thought we would be compatible as BF/GF. Uhm, Moxie is it just me or does it seem my Booty Call guy wants more than just the sex? Does that even happen? Can a booty call turn into more? |Age: 26

A real booty call? No, it's not likely. But you weren't having a booty call relationship with this guy. Booty call relationships do not involve support, listening, friendship or anything remotely emotional. Booty call realtionships involve sex and occasional light conversation.

But you knew that. I don't think this guy was ever "just" a booty call to you. I think you slapped a label of "booty call" on it so that you could keep your options open and never have to actually commit.

I'm lost. You and he have good sex, I assume, and you've formed a friendship of sorts. But he's not "boyfriend" material? The only thing missing from your relationship is the occasional dinner or movie. You don't have a clue about what you want. You met  a guy who's apprently quite supportive and..gasp!...interested in more than sex. But you don't want him. You're..what? 26? Yeah, time to break out of this bad habit. You keep going on this path you'll be 30 and wondering where all the good guys are.

You started a relationship with someone else yet still kept in touch with your booty call?  Is there a reason you did this?

If he's not boyfriend material, cut him loose and learn how to be on your own without the comfort of a safety net. Sounds to me like you like the idea of having a fall guy in the picture "just in case." The problem with always having a fall guy si that you don't ever learn how to truly "fall" for someone else.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[amen]

It never amazes me how women who want only a fuck buddy situation always wind up confiding in their fuck buddies, celebrating their birthdays with them, getting support from them etc.. Of course, their fuck buddies are never boyfriend material and they would never see themselves having a relationship with them. What's up with that?

Women talk about men not wanting to commit and here they are. Relationships take a lot of work and there are many bumps along the way but please no more of this keeping your options open thing. If you want to be in one just go for it, dive in and if you swallow a little water here and there, fine but dive in. Life is not a spectator sport.

If you continue sitting on the fence like this that's where you'll wind up the rest of your life.

[Crotch Rocket]

"Can a booty call turn into more?" Well, if it was a real booty call, my answer would be no. However, that's not what you're describing. This guy is your boyfriend -- you just haven't admitted it to yourself yet.

seriously, what would you do if he wasn't there? you're obviously using him for some type of companionship until someone worthy enough comes into your life. don't be so shocked that he wants more. 2 and a half years is a very long time to drag out a booty call. booty calls are calls that are made just to achieve the purpose of sex. nothing more and most people leave right after and not trying to spend time with that person and listen to them. what you have is a friend with benefits. i am willing to bet a million dollars that if he finds someone else, you're suddenly going to become attached.

[some2cents]

i have never heard of a strictly "booty call" that lasted 2 years. interesting. what i would like to know is what makes him unworthy of being a boyfriend? why do you think that he would be incompatible in that department? Let me tell you something...i have heard of one night stands that turn into marriages, friendships that turn into relationships...romantic relationships that turn into friendships, booty calls that turn into just friendships etc, etc. the point is, you can put restrictions on a relationship or you can not. if you put restrictions then there is a limit to what you can experience with that person...or you can put no limits and see where the wind takes you. If he wants a relationship and so do you...and you both enjoy, like each other...then i don't see what's the problem. I'm just saying.

[Michael (Chicago)]

Actually, I blew a great, 10-year long, booty call arrangement because I wound up getting sentimental at a time when we were both 'in between'. I was summarily informed that I was simply (and appropriately) convenient, and that to think otherwise would screw up an otherwise perfect 'relationship'.

I think Amen is correct. To confuse 'booty' with 'buddy' (or visa versa) just invites disaster and broken hearts, and (I could be wrong) reinforces the strongly held notion that many/most/all? women (these days) are simply calculating the likelihood that they can't do any better until 'Mr. Right' actually comes along. Blows the doors off the concept of monogamy, eh?

But then again, men are accused of the same things, like nailing anything they can catch rather indiscrimately, until 'Ms. Right' comes along.

Your mileage may vary.

[PoleBug]

Penny, you should consider yourself lucky. I think it is rare to find a guy that starts out as only a booty call and ends up being interested in more than just the sex because he actually connects with and cares for you. Obviously, the sex was good or you wouldn't have been together in the first place and what is one of the first things to "go" in a committed relationship? The sex.

I've been with my booty call guy for 2.5 years now too and to my amazement, the sex continues to get better and more intense everytime we are together. But I have been the one to put the breaks on at least 4 times during those years because I am so attracted to him on more levels than just the sex, that it breaks my heart to know I'm nothing special to him.

And sadly, he has ruined me for any truly "nice" guy that may come into my life (not that there have been any recently) because 1. I always compare the sex to how it is with him (totally unrealistic) and 2. I don't even bother going out because I look forward until it's "my turn" with him. (pathetic, huh?)

So, consider yourself one of the rare lucky ones. You've got a guy that you enjoy having sex with AND he wants a real relationship. Give him a shot. The worst that could happen is that you didn't see where it could go.

To Pole Bug, yes it is pathetic that youre wasting your time, not even looking for someone who could truly want you. I think pretty much if the guys equipment works, and there is good communication, then sex can be at least very good (if not great) with anyone

[Laura]

Also to PoleBug. You deserve so much better! Maybe you should try to build future relationships off emotional connection first, so you've got something to draw off if the eventual sex doesn't quite measure up to what you had experienced with the other guy. Personally, I've felt like it takes a number of tries sometimes before two people really work physically. And I've known people who were totally zero to start out (virgins, just plain awkward, etc), but were incredibly eager to learn and were soon way better lovers than my more experienced partners.

[BB]

Most of the booty calls I've had, I didn't care where it went and the girls were less attractive (looks/personality) than the normal girls I date; conversely, when a girl is just looking to get laid with NSA, she will be able to land a more attractive guy; 90% of the time he won't introduce you to his parents, he'll barely introduce you to his friends, it is, what it is......I think about 10% of booty calls/one night stands turn into relationships

[DaveinVA]

Penny, you express your thoughts about this guy, but what are your feelings? If he were to back off because he started dating others, how would that make you feel? It sounds like hes been good to and for you - are you good for and to him (and I most definately mean outside the bedroom here). I know he is nurturing to you - is the trust and respect there too? Honestly, I think you need to know your own heart before you can seek to know his.

I agree with most of the writers here, in that he sounds like someone worthy of exploring more with. If you find that the thought of him not being there with you during the good and bad times feels like a punch in the gut (as I suspect it might), then he is no booty call to your heart.

The choice to take it further or not requires honesty, both with yourself and him. It will take tact, as he might get flighty and run (unlikely). And it will take the courage of risking all you have now, for something that might be oh so much better. Choose carefully - this could be a huge crossroad for you.

I pray that you will choose wisely.

[penny]

I want to thank everyone for their input(even the one's I thought were a bit harsh lol). Moxie your right I did start to see what him and I have as more than just a booty call but being in a realtionship is all I really know how to do I put this question on you because I always seem to find truth in what you and most others say on this forum. But I should just point out that I said that I "never actually thought we would be compatible as BF/GF" not that he wasn't worthy of being my BF or BF material. I know it's kind of nit picking but part of me wishes I could retract that statement. I know relationships take alot of work I guess at the time I wrote the question I was trying to think of pros and cons for persuing a relationship with him and that's all I could conjure up as a con. I know it's sad...that should have answered my question right there.

RE:March 12, 2007 at 11:39 AM
"i am willing to bet a million dollars that if he finds someone else, you're suddenly going to become attached"

Your question was pretty interesting because I did actually feared for awhile and sometimes still question whether or not he had become more attached to me because I had been in a relationship. Infact during that time it was he would call more often. I was afraid the interest would fade when I was no longer in a realtionship.

RE:Michael(Chicago)
"To confuse 'booty' with 'buddy' (or visa versa) just invites disaster and broken hearts"

I suppose ultimately this was what I was afraid of. I hear from girls all the time about them wanting to get serious with a bootycall or friends with benefits thing and then getting their feelings hurt and heart broken and the thought of loosing what we have was scary to me. That's why I became more confused with his admission because I came to wonder if he could feel more for me.

I think it was actually the word booty call that was my safety net. If things didn't work out then as hard as it would be my reasoning would be that it was just a bootycall.

RE:Amen
"If you want to be in one just go for it, dive in and if you swallow a little water here and there, fine but dive in. Life is not a spectator sport"

Thanks, Wish me luck as Iam off to try to become part of BB's 10%! =)

[clueless]

To PoleBug: where is it written that your ideal relationship will also be your best sex? Of course it would be nice if they were, and it would also be nice if she had a trust fund, inherited Bill Gates's estate, was a world-class chef, whatever, but that's not how it works. It's a balancing act between a lot of factors. And all of the ones I mentioned above are the most superficial.

Guys usually get slammed with the "committment-phobe" label, and it sounds like Penny's guy might be too if he has never indicated that he is looking for more, but Penny sounds like one, too.

[DaveInVa]

I agree with Clueless, though to be fair, it sounds like they both may have grown (and grown closer) through the years they have been together. I really hope they both give it a chance, and also hope that Penny lets us know how "the talk" turned out.

Call me a romantic, but I am hoping for a happy ending.

[The Drake]

Good luck Penny. I think you have taken Mox's advice and the rest on this string better and more realistically than any I have seen. I hope you find what you are looking for. Hey, and if this guy doesn't pan out, you now have the tools to jump in to a meaningful relationship.

[anonymous]

This may sound a bit naive, but I have never found anybody for a booty call. I am not sure how to even suggest something like that to someone.
I don't feel I am ready for Ms. Right yet, yet I have physical needs, as do other people, which I would like to fulfil while maintaining respect for myself and the lady. I can't just remain frustrated indefinitely,I think that a mutually fulfulling booty call partner would do the trick. I have no idea on how to find somebody.