Having Multiple Partners

Name: curious |  Location: Philadelphia , PA |Question: Hello,This is just a question to be thrown out there to the readers of this blog. I was just wondering when you decide to stop using condoms with the person you are dating? Do you ask he/she to get tested for all STDs before you make this decision? A few friends recently have told me about condoms breaking--is this a common occurrence?
|Age: 25

I would say that a full round of tests is in order before you stop using condoms. Definitely. I know it kind of kills the mood but better kill a mood than yourself. I'd say it's safe to stop using condoms about 3 months after deciding to be exclusive AND/OR after two rounds of being tested. (Once when you begin sleeping together and once three months later.) Starting from when you two have explicitly stated that you two are exclusive. Yes, you should absolutely ask your partner to get tested. If they balk, then walk. Condoms do and can break. That is not a myth.

On this same topic.......well, kind of the same topic but not really.

Name: Pasha |Location: New York, NY |Question: I've been casually dating someone for a little over 9 months. He and I both agreed to have an open relationship with a don't ask don't tell policy. I've had only monogamous relationships most of my adult life and therefore have no idea how to deal with sleeping with two different men. The reason I ask is because I met someone about two months ago and began sleeping with him a couple weeks ago. I'm not interested in a mutually exclusive relationship with anyone at this point in my life and feel like they both compliment me in different ways. What one doesn't provide for me the other does. I ALWAYS use condoms and get tested regularly.All of us do. It's not disease that I'm concerned about because all parties involved have been tested recently. It's the emotional aspect of it all. I feel more love for the man I've been seeing for 9 months, naturally, but don't ever seem to be thinking about the 2nd man when I'm with the first or vice versa. Is sleeping with two different men wrong or a bad idea?|Age: 29

If you're truly satisfied and happy with the situation then all I'd suggest is staying on top of your testing and always use condoms with both people. Always. Your situation is different than the one above, which I'm sure you know. It's not impossible to love two different people or love one and have strong feelings for the other. I just think eventually you'll be asked to choose. That's what you have to anticipate. A choice. Can you make that choice? The real question is....how can this situation work to all of your benefit without anyone getting hurt. That, I think, might be tricky. Polyamoury is becoming a fast growing trend, I've noticed. It's intrguing to me and something I think I could be open to. I've said before that I don't believe men are monogamous creatures. To force them to be seems to be almost tempting them NOT to be. Doesn't seem right in a sense. I say if it ain't broke don't fix it. The not knowing would probably bother me, though. That's my only hesitation in regards to this kind of scenario. I'm not sure I could do that. It's hard to think fo someone you love making love to someone else. If it didn't bother me I'd wonder if I truly loved that person to begin with.

If expectations and boundaries are clearly communicated and there is a mutual respect amongst all partners then I think anything is possible. Just always, always, always use condoms.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Craig]

As for the first question: condom failure happens, but I wouldn't say it's common. It's happened to me once in 20 years of screwing, and trust me when I say I go through a lot of those suckers. I really should buy stock in Church and Dwight Co. (makers of the Trojan brand - my jimmy hat of choice). But I digress. They actually have a low failure rate when used properly and are in good condition. Failure is more likely the result of human error than manufacturing defect as it usually occurs when they are not put on correctly, used past their expiration date, stored in unsuitable conditions, or the package was breached, thus causing the rubber to dry rot. You should definitely ask your partner to get a full battery of tests for ALL (educate yourself, some of them are obscure) of the STDs and SHOW YOU THE RESULTS. Then 6 months later, have another battery of tests (as some STDs take as long as that to show up in blood). If the second round of tests come back negative, you're golden. Feel free to bang away au natural to your heart's content!

Now on to the second question: It's neither wrong, nor a bad idea to sleep with two people at once if you feel okay with it and you're not hurting anyone in the process. If both guys understand you are not exclusive with them, then I don't see the harm. Just be sure to adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. That said, sex appears to be more of an emotionally attaching event for most women than it is for men, so multiple lovers at the same time is not usually conducive to the female psyche. You're kidding yourself when you state you don't think about one when you're with the other. If that were the case, you wouldn't be writing to Moxie. You've declared your love for the 9 month guy, so it makes me wonder how long you'll be able to keep it up with both. My guess: not long.

Moxie on this one I have to say I disagree with you. Men who are in love with a woman and have a good loving relationship with her DO NOT CHEAT because they do not want to be cheated on by the one they love and they know today it goes both ways. Anyone no matter what you look like, weigh, etc., can find someone to cheat with if cheating is what they want in their life. Now, that said, men and women both will continue to be attracted to people they like or have work relationships with etc., but when they are truly in love they value the relationship too much to not be monogamous. Now the problem is that there are a lot of relationships between people where they just are not in love any more or there are problems etc., and yes those people do cheat - men and women alike. Both sexes when they are in love value the relationship too much to risk cheating but like I said thinking about other people ( even sexual thoughts ) does NOT constitute cheating. Moxie real love does indeed exist in this world with people who would not betray the trust of someone they truly love. I have said here many times people have problems because they truly do not put enough thought into who they marry and often times wake up thinking what the hell did I do and then feel stuck because of kids, mortgages, etc. Those people do indeed cheat but not people who are really in love.

[SJ]

I have to say I agree with Craig. Condoms have broken before, but never when I took the time to make sure they were put in place correctly. It is usually when in a hurry and not taking my time that one has broken and I can count on one hand the number of times one has broken.

Secondly, I am anal about condoms. I NEVER carry one in my wallet or car, and (although it is rare a box lasts too long) I do not keep condoms long. Rarely do I trust a condom given to me by a woman I've just recently started seeing as well. Be smart about your condoms and your wiener.

Onto other topics. Testing is important. Don't go bareback until you know you are willing to stay with just one partner, and having multiple partners is fine, but jimmy up EVERY time when seeing more than one person.

And finally, while I agree you can be in love with and attracted to more than one person at a time, at some point you are going to have to choose between one partner or the other, or you will end up with neither. If you're involved with one partner for nine months and suddenly you start seeing a new partner, then you may need to reevaluate the situation. Maybe the 9 month relationship is wearing thin and you are indeed looking for a new partner.

The other thing you need to consider is whether or not this new partner is worth the possibility of losing a relationship with a person you love.

[Me]

Ummm...just to state the obvious though....If you aren't going to be using condoms, make sure you are failsafe in taking any type of birth control on your end. Being on the pill and antibiotics...not a good thing. Missing a pill a couple times, end up pregnant. Unless you are on something that is completely covering (and nothing is) or have had the "wtf happens if I end up pregnant?" conversation, you might want to keep using the condoms for piece of mind.

[Polystyreneman]

I've never had a condom break, but I'm no Craig.

[Donnyblue]

No, it's not okay.

Period.

[sd]

I think people can date more than one person indefinitely. I have friends that have poly relationships. However, what I see them doing is rather different from the situation that I understand you describing - they are in openly poly relationships. In long term situations, they have made a commitment to one person (their "primary") and a different but also clear relationship with their "secondary" or "secondaries", and there is total openness on all sides.

I think with a "don't ask, don't tell policy" and no solid commitment, in whatever format, it seems to me an fundamentally unstable situation. So enjoy it while it works for you :) Everything has it's place. Just make sure this works for you.

[Treimaisma]

If you're comfortable being with more than one person, then go with it. I used to have "friends with benefits" once upon a time. Just be honest with them that they're not your only one and play safe.

[Crotch Rocket]

If the commitment-free status and don't-ask-don't-tell policy works for you, then it's not "wrong". It is, as sd says, unstable. Sooner or later, one person involved (you, a partner, one of their partners, etc) is going to want either more or less and upset the whole thing; the more people there are in your little web of sex, the more frequently that'll naturally happen and the stronger the waves will be that ripple back and forth each time. It's definitely not a healthy long-term situation, but for some people it's a reasonable approach to things in the short term. Just make sure you're really okay with it and you're not just lying to them (and to yourself) about your happiness because it's better than being alone...

[Crotch Rocket]

"I was just wondering when you decide to stop using condoms with the person you are dating? Do you ask he/she to get tested for all STDs before you make this decision?" That's the rule for me; if I'm only with one person for several months, I'll suggest getting tested together and we drop the love glove after sharing the results. I'd be a bit more paranoid about the schedule, multiple test rounds, etc. if I weren't comfortable with trusting her on when her last test was, how many people there have been since then, etc., but if that were the case I wouldn't have been around long enough to have that discussion...

"A few friends recently have told me about condoms breaking--is this a common occurrence?" Common, no. It's happened to me twice in about twelve years, and both were with the same girl. (I have my suspicions about why, but I'll be charitable and say it was an accident -- just like she "accidentally" kept forgetting to take her Pill. Riiiight.) While the darn things are very durable, even one failure is enough to ruin the rest of your life, so be careful to use them properly to keep that risk as low as possible.

O.K., I have to pipe up here: although I don't have any experience dating in NYC, I have to tell you that elsewhere in the U.S., most women actually seem to take a far less conservative and risk averse attitude than the one that Moxie advocates for the author of the first question. Of the 10 women I have slept with in my life, exactly one had a policy that was comparably risk averse to the one that Moxie describes. With 5 of the others, we went bare right from the very first time. Granted, one of them I had known for a long time beforehand, so perhaps she doesn't count, and another did so against her better judgment, and ended up being a little upset afterwards at both of us, so perhaps she doesn't really count either, but the other three definitely were all totally unremarkable cases: we'd known each other for anywhere from a few weeks to a month or two, and gone on perhaps two to four dates, and just decided to go for it, no tests and no regrets involved. Of the remaining four women, one needed a few months to sync up to the pill, one was a one-night stand, and the other two were willing to be somewhat inconsistent about the cover within a few liaisons or so (for example if it was the day immediately after her next period and she was fairly sure she was not ovulating yet). I myself have only actually ever been tested once in my whole life (it came up completely clean, thankfully).

Based upon my own field experience, I have to say that I find it fairly implausible that Moxie herself has behaved consistently with as much conservatism as she is advocating for the writer of question number one. Moxie is after all, unusually open to taking on risk in other aspects of her life: she has shown herself willing to abandon the safety of a steady paycheck and a 401K plan in order to run her own business, and also puts some of her innermost thoughts on display for the whole world to see by writing this blog. Neither of those are things that I would dare to do. So, I find myself wondering if perhaps she is guilty of doling out advice that is quite different from what she herself has typically executed in practice. My own life experience tells me different; i.e., that it wouldn't actually be that unusual for Moxie to have let this kind of thing slide with several partners in the past, even if she weren't particularly open to risk, which, let's face it, at least in other regards, she totally is.

I think the right answer to question number one really is, it depends how much risk you're willing to tolerate. Some people like to race motorcycles, or jump out of airplanes, or go hurtling down a snow-covered mountain at 60 mph with boards strapped to their feet. Others like to knit, or garden, or hang out in public libraries and read. What kind of person are you? The important thing is to understand, as well as possible, the risks to which you may be exposing yourself, and then make up your own mind either to accept them or not, depending on how much value you personally happen to place upon any potential benefit.

[Jaden]

I've got to say - I'm appalled at the last poster. Your actions and the actions of others like you are what have caused the spread of terrible diseases like HIV. I'm not saying that everybody behaves like Moxie described but by god, protect yourself. I find it appalling to have a one-night stand with someone you've never met and not use protection. Advocating that sort of action is irresponsible and, let's face it, deadly.

[Cal]

Hogamus, higamus
Men are polygamous;
Higamus, hogamus,
Woman monogamous.
(anonymous)

I agree with Moxie. Men are not monogamous creatures. It is an unnatural state for them, even those in love. Loving people and having sex with them are not the same thing. Monogamy is a social construct designed to give women more control over men. "Good" or sexually faithful men are simply brainwashed by social expectation.

[Sierra]

Most have already commented enough on the first question so I'll direct my attention to the second question. I am curently in a friends with benefits relationship and have been for about a year and a half now. We haven't exactly established a don't ask don't tell relationshiop, it is just understood that we don't have binding commitment to one another. With that said I believe it is perfectly fine to have to have multiple partners, as I have done so for the past year without any problems. I will admit that I have grown rather close to my main friend and may think about him when in the company of my other partners, but I enjoy how things are and would not want to be monogamous with him, I believe he feels the same.

As long as everyone is on the same page, do you!!!

[mami]

Seems like men can't handle it when a woman beats them at their own game.

[Alana]

I agree with Jaden and feel that people like the
guy who slept with 10 women & only used protection
with 5 ( let alone only being tested once in his life! ) has no business giving advise. Sharing his
story, or experience is fine & would've sufficed.

I also agree with Moxie & find that most Americans
are to lax and nonchalant about sex and taking the
necessary steps to be safe. Surveys have shown that 86% do not feel at risk for STD's, which is
scary. Only 50% of people actually inquire about
sexual history, STD testing, bi-sexuality, safe sex practice, etc. Meanwhile 42% of people with HIV admit to not volunteering their status, as well as only using condoms half of the time.

As to condoms breaking...not only do they break,
they also slip of. Just happen to me this weekend.
Women should have a back up protection and keep in
mind that indeed men are not monogamous and prone
to taking advantage of temptation & opportunities.

[Mira]

Hogamus, higamus
Men are polygamous;
Higamus, hogamus,
Woman monogamous.
(anonymous)

How about:
Hogamus, higamus
Men are monogamous;
Higamus, hogamus,
Woman polygamous.
(me)

Really! What BULL! Why that "sexist" mentality again??? Why should women be exclusively monogamous and men be polygamous? What kind of a warp sense of discrimination is that??? If men are all polygamous, I'd keep men as boy toys then! Then maybe women are better off with sperm banks! And plus we do have the power to choose only girl child you know... and when the scale ratio is tipped to 100 male to 1 female... hmmm I wonder then!