Dating After An Illness

Name: Julie | Location: Philadelphia , PA |Question: Background: For the past year I was extremely ill.  I was finally diagnosed w/a very rare illness a few months ago (it is autoimmune).  It affected my heart, lungs, brain and kidneys.  It also includes a peripheral neuropathy, which means I have difficulty walking b/c I have numb and tingly feet and legs.  I am on prednisone, a steriod that helps inflammation in my body, but wreaks havoc on the rest of me!  The worst part is the weight gain.  I've gone from a size 4 to 14.  I have nasty purple stretch marks on my stomach and thighs.  My hair is falling out - I'm not bald, but it is not as thick, blonde and pretty like it once was. I used to go to the gym all the time, do yoga and was very active.  I don't feel sexy in the least bit.
This disease is chronic, thus there is always a possibility I can get sick again and I will always have to take a lot of medicine and go to the doctor.  My question is: How do I begin dating again?  I don't have any single friends and don't want to go to any of the singles meet ups alone.  I obviously can't do a lot of the ones that involve hiking, walking, etc.  I joined a few others and they were duds.  I tried a few of the free online dating sites and received a lot of interest, but as soon as they heard about the illness they would freak out.  I wouldn't even mention it for a while, except I am really, really uncomfortable with the weight gain and way I walk.  I only have pictures from pre-illness so I posted those.  I think that some guys considered this deceiptful.  I wasn't trying to be, but I know not posting a pic is worse.  Plus, this isn't the real me.  I've always been physically fit.  And what guy wants to date a girl w/a chronic illness?  It will definitely require a special man to have patience and understanding.  I do think online dating is my best option right now, however I do not want to pay for any of the sites until someone can help me figure out how to approach it in my situati
on.  I thought about waiting, but I've already put my dating life on hold for a year due to my health, I am ready to move on. 
Do you think online dating is a good idea at this point?  How should I approach disclosing my disease?  What should I do about a picture?  Please don't tell me to take one of what I look like now, it will kill me!  My face is what they call "moon face", very puffy.  Any advice?  Signed - Sick of being sick and lonely in Philly. |Age: 29

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Rock]

It's deceitful to post a previous picture- right off the bat. You have to at the very least accept the person that you are, even if it's at least for now. You might not be feeling sexy and cool with your situation but confidence in one self can definitely be sexy.
And yeah, this is the real you, you're more then just your physical attributes. Unless your a souless mass? j/k. If you can, i'd actually recommend that you do go on the hiking retreat.

[Angela]

First of all, you can't expect people to be anything but offended when they discover you don't in fact look like the pictures you are posting. You are wasting their time, but most of all yours when you do this. Secondly, try searching for online dating sites for people with chronic diseases or disabilities... I just google'd "online singles, chronic disease" and found www.minglecafe.com and challengedcompanions.com. Of course dating is going to be more difficult for you, but you aren't doing anybody any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to hide the way you look.

[Craig]

Julie, how can you expect anyone to accept you for who you are if you don't even accept yourself? You can't post the old pictures. Like it or not, that's not who you are now and who you are now is what the person is going to see when they meet you in person. Online dating is hard enough as it is without being in your situation, so I can't begin to understand what you're going through. Some sites that cater to people in your situation like the ones Angela suggested above are good options to consider. I know this is easy for me to say because I'm not in your shoes, but don't worry so much about the person you are now compared to who you once were. Learn to work with what you've got and make the best of it. One thing I've learned in life is there's a lid for every pot. You just need to seek out the best place to find your lid.

[Jade]

To be honest I am not sure if you are ready to begin dating again! if you can not except who you are and be comfortable with it no one else will be able to either. It seems to me that you base a lot on looks and you need to remember that not all people do, if you post old pic's of your glamourous past self I doubt you will be attracting the kind of partner you seem to be looking for. You can not expect other people to look past your illness if you can not look past it yourself.

[Steve from the city next door]

I have been on the other side twice. From my experiance, you need to be honest and upfront right to begin with. One just revealed things as she had to...she kept ending up in the hosipital and what started as minor but cronic condition morphed into a very serious thing. If she had not happened to have gotton sick (a very minor infection to the rest of us) so early I would have probably been a lot farther into the relationship. In fact she told me her plan was to hook me before I found out about the really bad stuff. Frankly, I did not at that time (and probably still do not) have the mature and strength to be an effect partner for her.

The other one told me there was something serious and refused to give any more details. Since she was doing little talking I have little to figure on how things are....and they did not look good...I projected her decline would put her in the grave in 2 years. That combined with some limitations that seemed random (though I figure if I had the full picture they would have made more sense). Thinks ultimately blew up and at least from what she said I had things totally wrong and was not supportive of her in dealings with her special needs - which I had no idea what they were since she would not tell me.

I agree with the what the previous posts have said and would go farther saying that you are probably not yet ready to enter the dating jungle. I think you need to work with a professional therapist to come to come to grips with what has happened and how it will affect your life going forward.

P.S. Be sure to say that you are seeking your lid...do not say you are looking for your pot.

[hb]

It sounds like you need more of a support group and to expand your circle of single friends, through meetups, clubs, classes, friends of friends. Online dating is very harsh, especially if you are on the popular mass dating sites.

Focus on your health first, accept who you are physically now, get support, enjoy doing the things that you can do, get out there and meet people in person. I would avoid online dating for awhile. You have been through a lot. I wish you all the best.

[V]

I've got a few friends with very similar issues and there's a number of ways you can successfully cope with these issues of chronic illness.

1.) Admit that the 'new' you is really you. It may not be as slim as you used to be, but it's still you in there. Keep the old pics. They are the Former you. If you're really lucky, you may get back close to something vaguely like it, but probably not. Don't use the 'old pics' for dating purposes. That is deceptive, and can lead to needless trouble & wasted time all around. The real you now is staring at you in the mirror every day. Pretending otherwise is just asking for more trouble than it's worth typically.

2.) So you need to come to terms with your 'new body state', and what you can do to maintain your current functionality. This will involve a detailed treatment plan, with exercise, physical therapy, nutrition and other necessary clinical supports. That's your first and foremost priority. To understand your needs and the projected course of your disease, and to try and plan accordingly, as adequately as you can.

3.) Dating will take some time. Ideally, the time to do this would have been Before the disease took hold, so someone could know you better without such dramatic 'interventions', but this is also fraught with it's own danger. One of the highest divorce rates is among people caring for a chronically ill or handicapped spouse. Many can hang on, but many can not endure the new conditions. It's like overcoming an overwhelming trauma. It will take time and work and a very special & understanding mate.

4.) Given the above, I'd at least check in with one of the many support groups for your illness or search the Net for a decent newsletter or magazine for updates into treatments for your condition. {Here the Arthritis Foundation might be a help by way of comparison: http://www.arthritis.org/] They'll have suggestions for possible dating scenarios and places where folks can mingle more easily. They may recommend 'low impact events' if joints need to be protected, or if avoidance of sun exposure is needed to try and mitigate common drug interactions. [For example].

5.) Accept the fact that you are now an alien explorer in a new land. You'll need to learn new things, and come to accept new conditions that previously you might have avoided when healthier. It's a strange landscape to inhabit, let alone share with anyone Non alien. (This is why deaf folks commonly marry other deaf folks BTW, although not always!) People coming into your world have to accept you for who you are now. You have to come to terms with this new person too. The old 'healthy you' you knew previously is not coming back. The new healthy you needs to deal with your limitations, and try to maintain an independent life for as long as possible. You'll need help and plenty of support for this, and at the moment family is among the better options here.

6.) Looking for a supportive potential mate will take time and a different 'eye' and general search than you probably knew previously. Many guys & gals will naturally shy away from and actively avoid such 'troubles' as a 'sick' or chronically ill GF/BF. Still, many more are strangely attracted to 'swell looking packages' with scads of well concealed psychological & dangerously detrimental psychiatric problems that can easily be as debilitating in the long run. (See some of the prior comments on the board about 'crazy sex'). You're looking for a steady hand, and someone who is not frightened by the prospect of your illness. That's truly a special someone. But first you have to come to accept yourself in all your complexities and problems presently. Then you can get a better handle on your wants & needs, which are a bit different than all the 'normals' out there.

7.) From your perspective, all this is very frightening to be happening to someone so young. But about 1/3 of the entire population is dealing with a chronic illness. About as many have a family member who is, or is helping give care to one. So this kind of thing is actually more common than you care to imagine. It's way more common in 'older relationships', and with many older married folks. (OK, perhaps Most older married folks past a certain age). So start with something daring. Dare to enter into a google search with your illness and the word 'dating'. I'm betting you'll be surprised. There's plenty of support groups out there for almost everyone, and most can be useful for contacts & as a source for more information & learning. Friendships are not confined to just the healthy among us, or else no one would ever need to talk to the elderly. (OK bad example). Let's just say that Jay Leno's old 90 something 'fruitcake lady' from NOLA was plenty feisty and entertaining even though she could barely stand for her commentary 'routines' when in her dotage. Fun can and should be had at almost any age. The most important thing though is to always be able to entertain yourself cheaply enough. That way you'll never be lonely. We know it's not as fun as it used to be. But there can still be plenty of good times & a full life while having a chronic illness. The important part is keeping up with you.

Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[koikana]

I have bipolar, my weight fluctuates but is always overweight, and am sick all the time. Not a diagnosis of a chronic illness, I just always seem to be sick and always have since I was three and was treated for a childhood cancer. Chemo made my immune system weak.

I don't pretend to always be the most emotionally "together" person, I don't post photos of my skinny self, and I definitely don't pretend I'm healthy. You know what I do do that makes people interested? I'm amusing and interesting, and while I'm cynical and a bit sarcastic, I'm fun to be around and humorous. If people realize that you are worth their time, and they have a reason to want to be around you, then extra weight and the fact you can't go HIKING isn't going to bother them if THEY are worthwhile people. And if it does bother them? You shouldn't bother with THEM.

[John]

Great post. Keep up the good work! I will date a sugar daddy from BillionaireCupid.com tonight. I hope it works.

[Jennifer]

Share your life with your friends online!
http://www.himyfriends.com

OMG, you story sounds exactly like mine that for a moment I had to make sure I didn't write to Moxie. I actually have lupus, the stretch marks (from my hips down to my legs), the weight gain, my face was round, the whole nine. I was 16 when I was diagnosed, and now I am 33. You sound like you got hit with the illness much harder than I did (although I am not assuming you have lupus). Are you in remission yet? A huge part of these illnesses have to do with your diet and with stress levels. One piece of advice: maybe try seeing a therapist to cope with the illness, try some positive imagery with regard to fighting your illness, and do some low impact exercise (the prednisone is tough on bones) and some calcium pills if possible. Also, my friend's aunt did a macrobiotic diet for a while. Sorry, I know you asked for dating advice but taking care of your body is good for you self esteem.

I always worry when I meet someone new because of my stretch marks. Turns out, the only person it has bothered is me. No one else seems to notice or even care that I have them. Mine are purple too, and unfortunately, they won't fade anytime soon (they have been that way for 18 years!!) but you should focus on your assets. Everyone has hangups about their body. I understand the rapid weight gain, and you will have to be extra vigilant because of the prednisone, but you can drop the weight. Get online and post a recent picture, there is no sense in deceiving a future date. At the lowest point of my illness, I was feeling sorry for myself when two young boys sat next to me in a pizzeria and started talking to me. I felt pretty again at that point. You just have to feel pretty and others will see how you feel. Hope this helps...

[Lexy]

Sorry, I am anonymous.

[Lexy]

Btw,
I don't tell anyone about my illness until I think it might go somewhere. There is no point in going through all of that melodrama (it is very draining talking about it) if it's not going anywhere. Also, I know this is hard, but don't focus on the illness, focus on getting well. I am sure you will get through it.

[gh]

Ok...first of all, there are some very caring and intelligent responses here, I'm pleasantly surprised and hope that the advice about counseling is taken...as it seems some self love is needed. (and no I dont mean THAT kind of self love you perverts!) Now, that said...I know that a jump from a 4 to a 14 is a big jump and that if you are normally petite it would suck to not be...but wtf! When did a size 14 become so huge? I wonder how many readers who are here/posted who are that size or larger and have no trouble dating? Is sad to me as someone who works with young girls to think that her biggest concern is not that she may be tricking some man into a relationship without telling him the truth...nor is it her actual health and longevity..her main concern is that she "looks fat" and huge at size 14. What is wrong with this country?

[Been There, Beat That]

You've already gotten a lot of good advice and some deserved chain-jerking. I'd like to add something because I have been EXACTLY where you are and emerged (reasonably) victorious.

PLEASE investigate medical alternatives to the treatment you are on. Prednisone may NOT be your only option. LOSE THE WEIGHT. You can get back in shape. I had to learn how to walk again in a water tank. I focused on physical recovery and fitness and wound up in even better shape than before my disability.

Self acceptance is important. Self determination is even better. For whatever it is worth, I wound up married to the man I was dating when I first became disabled. He stood by me, and we are still together after 17 years. All I can say, in closing, is FIGHT BACK. Focus on recovery and rebuilding your life and then swing back into the dating game.

[Dig Your Own Whole]

Sick of being sick and lonely in Philly:

I have been where you are. I have gone up and down the emotional rollercoaster of feeling invincible and then having my own pity party. My looks have changed. My breasts are now gone and scarred (and crooked) lol. When I met my now best friend, he was just my climbing buddy. When he told me he was interested in me, I went on a few dates with him. When I realized I wanted to still date him, I had to tell him the whole truth. I was Stage IV BrCa and was in for a less than pretty battle. I let him decide how he wanted to proceed. He has always been adamant with me that it was the fact that I told him before things went anywhere that helped him. He didn't feel manipulated. He did not think himself mature or selfless enough to support someone with such an illness and a low chance of survival. He surprised himself (and me) by hanging in there. We dated for a year and a half and more than 3 and a half years later, his is my best friend. Part of that had to do with how it was presented to him. I had already made my peace with the illness and knew what my course was. I was in battle mode. You are not quite there yet.

You have to understand your place in this. Your job is to kick its ass and teach it who’s boss. Right now, it’s the driver and you are the terrified passenger with your eyes shut pretending that at some point you will open your eyes and it will be over. When people here tell you that you are not ready to date, they aren't trying to knock you down. I hope you see that. They are trying to show you how to pull yourself up. You have to dig into yourself and find the funny. Find the pretty. Find the sexy. It's there.

Dating is only going to magnify to you that you don't know where "it" is. Right now a typical date with you might sound as if it will entail a lot of hearing about what and who you are not or what you once were. Many people have posted wonderful ideas and points for you. Date yourself first. Expand your support circle. Look into alternative treatment. Be and eat healthy. You can do this.

[Stone-Cold MF]

MAAAAN that's messed up! BTW, expect to hear a lot of fat chicks using an "it's not me, it's the meds" excuse in the future; I've already heard it before. I get no slack from women for not being perfect, so as the Vietnam vets used to say to dead Viet Cong, "sorry 'bout that!".

[Mike]

I would have to recommend that you see wellness doctors who can help you address the root of the condition in addition to your traditional doctors who will provide the medication and support. Wellness care is typically performed by chiropractors who have studied alternative medicine. They will help you get back to normal & off of such steroids. They will also address the emotional aspect. Being an engineer, it was hard to convince me to go see one, as it just seemed a little "out there". But, it's been well worth it. Start asking chiropractors in your area where a nearby wellness center may be. Also, you can google "Quantum Chiropractic" to find the type of care you would receive. There are several centers across the country with that same name.

[Lexy]

SCMF,
I think the problem is YOU, not the meds. What advice have you offered to this woman other than your ignorant comment about aesthetics? Get a life, homeboy!

[Dig Your Own Whole]

SCMF, it seems from your statement that likely the reason women aren't cutting you slack is your obnoxious and warped mentality, not issues they have with your physical self. You could be physically hot and most women would not be attracted to you with that wonderful disposition of yours. And they say women are bitter? Eh-hem.

[Rock]

Also, if you post a previous picture and meet with the potential, how would it make you feel if he made an excuse or got a bail phone call to leave the date?

[dangerous curves]

I feel for you. I think online dating is not the best option. Nothing says you can't go to speed dating or on a singles trip. or if you are up to it Club Med.
That's not such a bad idea, if you can, go on vacation someplace warm and sensual. A change of scene can make you feel like a new person.
I hear stories all the time about people who fell in love inspite of illness and handicaps. I say focus on being the most vibrant person you can, live a full life, focus on your interests and hobbies. This way all the people that you meet will see you as more than an illness.
And yes, I know this board believes otherwise, but size 14 people fall in love everyday. Why else would they make size 14 wedding dresses!

[lola]

I feel for you. I had a serious illness in my 20s. My hair fell out and I gained weight from the steroids. I didn't date for a long time. I would stay off the internet--a lot of it is a beauty contest (people judge more on form than substance) and if you're not feeling like you used to, you can't compete. Also, lose the living in the past--you used to be that healthy girl but now you're not and you need to face it. I sound harsh but I'm being realistic. I don't have a major illness but have had different types of cancer, and all required surgery so I have visible scars and medical history to deal with. Don't disclose the illness in the beginning at all. It's private. Get a good wig, one that makes you feel beautiful but also close to your true hair.

Find a support group, get makeup tips characteristic for your illness. Volunteer, join activities groups that will put you in contact with the opposite sex. You can't think negatively that no one will love you now that you have a chronic illness.

[Mira]

I can only advise honesty, in the pics and for your condition.
Either that or it will not be fair for the men involved.
"Hiding conditions" from the men is also taking away their choice to choose.

[Lexy]

There is no hiding if you don't disclose your illness. People don't lay their whole lives out for a date, you leave that for your therapist. Complete disclosure comes with trust, which is built. You can tell if someone is callous like our SCMF before you even get to talking about your illness. What goes on with your body is your business, unless it's contagious or harmful to thew other person. There are many things that happen in a relationship that are not pre-existing (drug use, car accidents, loss of limbs, severe illness) and people still take a chance and date. Unless you are dying, you don't HAVE to tell anyone anything.

[Sherri]

I was lucky in that my disability was one that could be fixed - I've had both hips replaced this year - within 6 months of each other. But before I had the surgeries, I was where you are - sad, uncomfortable and feeling that there was no one who'd understand my limitations. Wasn't dating, wasn't having sex. Was sure it'd never be the same.

What I had to do is what many have already suggested you do, so I echo their suggestions. You must make peace with yourself as you are now. Only when you accept your current condition, realize that it will NEVER be the same as before, will you be able to move on. Into battle mode as "Dig Your Own Whole" mentioned. She's so right - the sexy is there, the pretty is there. Find it however you can. With the help of friends or a therapist.

I think, too, once you accept your condition and plan out how you're gonna win and kick it's ass, you'll be ready to get back out there. Don't waste your time wishing your life away for what you were - get in step with who you are and you'll wind up heading to a great future.

[Margo]

Wow! It's nice to know there are other people out there struggling with these kinds of things. Thankfully I haven't had the weight gain, but I eat like a bird just to keep my weight down, and I'd like to lose 10 lbs, but I can't complain really. I was just diagnosed with fibromyalgia and am just now starting on meds for it. I had a Bally's membership, but since spring I can't work out because I don't feel up to it. I try a little at our condo fitness center, but it's pretty wimpy what I can do there, so now I'm starting with a physical therapist later this week.

I haven't lived here long so I don't have many contacts or friends yet, but I try to go to events I hear about, and I've got one friend and a few acquaintances now. I've dated a couple guys here that I've met at events, but they weren't my types, so I didn't continue it (you know how it goes, I guess). There was one guy on-line that I communicated with a bit, but when it was getting close to us considering meeting I told him about my (at that time undiagnosed) condition and it turned him off. I used to do a fair amount of active pursuits, but now I can't, so if that's important to a guy, I guess that's a big turn off. It's not that I'm not interested in active pursuits, it's just that I really can't do them.

One thing is that at least my picture (which isn't the greatest, in the first place) is accurate. I change my hair occasionally, but otherwise, it's a true representation of me. One thing is that I often have to walk with a cane now, so that's pretty obvious about there being something wrong with me.

About feeling sexy... when I'm feeling really badly, I walk like a little old lady (I'm 47, but look 35). I don't feel very sexy then, that's for sure. I try to dress nicely though, in part to boost my self image and show that even though I might feel rotten I still care about my personal care and appearance. I've also been known to give myself a personal spa experience (bubble bath, cream procedure on hands and feet, etc., etc.).

I try to get out as much as possible, but sometimes I feel like my main topic of conversation is about my health. Sometimes people want to talk about it though too, so it's not just my fault. They ask me about various aspects and share their experiences and people they know with similar conditions. I'm not sure I like health being such a central topic of conversation, but I have had to really focus on it since I lost my job because of not being able to work enough. So with relationships I need to find other topics of conversation; at least that's how I feel about it.

I do think that it's nice when guys are willing to take me for who I am and not make my condition be what they focus on. I must admit that the 2 guys I dated here were good at that. That was nice.

For me one of the drawbacks has not been so much my appearance (other than when I walk like a cripple when I feel really badly) is my professional identity. I have 2 advanced degrees and am a professional, but not working seems to make it harder to find guys that are also more professional or intelligent/intellectual. Being unemployed I don't have a lot of disposable income to get around in certain circles, so that's pretty limiting relationship-wise. And since I'm new here, I didn't already have those kinds of contacts before I got sick.

Man, you women are but some broken then fixed up dolls aren't you?
No wonder most women here are all so bitter (and haters) to people with a more normal life!
Only good to the the broken ones just like you!
How "great" of a gal you women will be especially after you "net" your men!

Just some observations from those few previous post as well as this one!

To top it off, you want to withhold information on your medical history? What is there to hide anyways but the fact that you may need to rely on the partner? Why not come clean then? Isn't that as bad as a hot looking women fishing for a sugar-daddy when after a few dates with the man being emotionally involved she now exposed herself to be in dire financial strait and wanting him to help? What man would want to commit to a liar plus baggage like that?

If you women said the gold-digger shit ain't right, lying about medical problems ain't right as well!

Great post, at least the would-be "liars" are exposed!

[citymaus]

Hello. You are a very courageous person to be battling this disease and trying to move on with your personal life. Give yourself some credit for this. Chronically ill people DO have partners, have sex, get married and have children. They also have insight and compassion for others that is unthinkable for the general population. I would suggest an online title like "beautiful on the inside". Do not post a photo. I feel a photo of what you look like now would actually be misleading. No one puts a photo of themselves at their worst! Explain in your profile that you are in the midst of conquering a chronic illness, but that you have a great attitude about the future and want to share it with someone. Explain carefully that the illness is non-life threatening and you expect to recover fully. This is true! Then go get your nails and hair done. I am rooting for you!!!

[Lexy]

A lie is an untruth told to a party that has a right to know. When you are meeting someone for the first time, you don't automatically tell them the flaws you have. In this case, an illness is seen as a flaw, an imperfection. Since we all don't wear signs on us, such as anonymous, (who by the way, may be construed as "LYING" since you choose to WITHHOLD your name!!) which read "needy," "jealous," "insecure," "impatient," "little dick," etc. why should someone who is not GRAVELY ill tell all about themselves? The people who don't understand have obviously never been in a situation where you have to talk about something you don't feel comfortable with yet. I am sure everyone has their skeletons, and just because one is ill doesn't mean that they will rely on their partner in the future. One would hope for emotional support, but that comes from a spouse. If you are casually dating, why the fuck should you know what I am going through? It's none of your business! The guy doesn't tell the woman about every woman he sees that he feels like fucking, but it's the woman's job to disclose her illness?!?! Don't compare money hungry bitches whose objective IS to use to women who are seeking an understanding partner. If a man is able to deal with a woman with an illness, it doesn't matter when he finds out. The whole point of waiting is so that you don't burden someone you just met with all of your baggage. It's the same as if a man were widowed, came from a dysfunctional family, or anything else that is not GRAVE happen in his past. My illness is MY problem, it is not the problem of my partner. I am not going to treat everyone I date as a therapist, talking to them about aches and pains and seeking sympathy. THAT'S THE REASON WHY YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING. Some of you people are so fucking ignorant.

Stretch marks can be minimized with Vitamin E oil. I've also heard that the OB/Gyn has some sort of magical ointment they give out to women after childbirth (which also causes stretch marks). If you have gained a lot of weight bc of meds but are now at a stable weight -- go ask your lady doctor if she can give you some of the good stuff...

no reason to obsess on something that can be fixed, or at least minimized.

[spleen]

How can you be 47 and look 35? How,how , how????????

spleen - haven't you noticed before that so many of the people who comment here, including moxie herself, say they look 10-12 years younger than they really are? i'm just sayin.

Late advice, but I hope the writer sees it because I've been there! Ballooned from size 4 from 14 too! Hair loss! Gawd!

Another side effect of prednisone is depression, which really alters your perceptions. Sounds crazy to medicate side effects, but please get some help.

Mourn the way you looked before, but accept the way you look now. I found myself saying useless things like "I don't really look like this." How can anyone respond to that??? Focus on the fact that your body functions, not on the way it looks.

Once I (very reluctantly) accepted my new body, and felt grateful for my health, and worked to *own* it and not hide it or excuse it, I got lots more attention because I was giving out a different energy.

There really is no reason to disclose your illness---you just want to explain why you look the way you do. Forget about it. You owe no one an explanation.

Go anywhere you can people-watch, and look at how people move. Find a role model for a confident, beautiful woman. Maybe her hair is thin, or her face is big, or her belly looks pregnant, but I promise you'll find a woman who *owns* her body and looks amazing.

A couple years ago, I'd put on 20 pounds in two months and the man I was seeing casually lost interest, though I explained what was happening. I wasn't that invested in him, and had ballooned before, so I kept stepping. Not a week after we called it off, I met another man who thought I was beautiful, big face, big belly and all. We are still together, and I've lost 50 pounds from my all-time prednisone high.

Immunosuppresants can keep autoimmune disease in check and minimize the flares that require predenisone. Please talk to your doctor to see if they're appropriate in your case.