Where Can Singles Go To Meet People OTHER Than Bars?

Name: Valentina|  Location: NYC  |Question:
Can you reccomend or suggest some things that singles can do to meet people? I moved here last spring and have had a hard time meeting new people. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to make new friends here. Dating is twice as hard. I work in merchandising so I'm surrounded by women and gay men 24/7. Most of the women I work with are younger than I am and engaged or married and not looking to socialize beyond the occassional happy hour and even then I feel like an outsider because they all know each other.|Age: 35

This is a question I get regularly at our workshops. I'll tell you the options and groups I advocate, but then I want other people to throw in their own for their cities.

MeetUp.com (has groups in all cities) - I really, really like MeetUp. I tend to avoid the "happy hour only" groups (especially the ones that charge an admission fee) only because I find them to be over crowded and counter productive to meeting people and are more about making money than helping people meet. I can go to a happy hour any day of the week and I don't have to pay a cover and probably can get much cheaper drinks. For New Yorkers: My friend Eric runs a MeetUp group and he comes up with inventive and creative things to do - stand up comedy nights, haunted house tours for halloween, picnics, mixers that include ice breakers. I also really, really like the Dinner and a Movie Meetup for Singles. Clay Gordon's NY Metro Discover Chocolate Meetup is also a great way to meet people. Culture for the Non-Cultured is also an innovative and fun group that does a couple of cultural events (jazz concerts, poetry readings, museum tours and the like.) Now, if you're someone who likes the larger happy hour crowd type-events, stick with Lynman's group called - The New York Happy Hour Group 20's and 30's & Beyond. The reason why I suggested these groups is because they're run by organizers who are passionate about the theme of their group. Those are the groups to stick with. For them it's not just about how much money they make (I think most of the events have a nominal fee but the organizers themselves don't make much money if any.) You want to go for the groups that offer something different, something creative and original. That shows a passion on the organizer's part. They're taking the time to actually plan something instead of just gathering people into a bar, which takes little to no effort and probably doesn't involve anything int he way of an ice-breaker or ways to connect with the other people.

Outdoor/Athletic Activities - If you're an adrenalin junkie, then definitely check out Outdoor Bound and Adventure Society. Both are run by people who LOVE the outdoors and come up with different outdoorsy type activities like kayaking, bike rides, sky diving, rick climbing and the like. They're safety-sensitive and well-managed, too. Big City Volleyball League & Urban Professionals & Zog Sports offer sporting events. They'll even place you on a team if you don't know anyone who is looking for players. They also have different levels of play so you can be placed on a team that matches your skill level.

Sports Team/Sports Fan Events- MeetUp.com has some groups devoted to fans of certain sports teams. they organize weekly game viewings.

Social Networking Businesses - Ahem. Clearly, I'd say to give us a try, although we tend to focus more on the dating/sex related workshops and discussion groups. We still offer about 3-4 social events per month, too. Other businesses to check out are The Lunch Club, NoDating.com and NewYorkSocialNetwork. Jared, Mike and Dave respectively run those groups and, like I said earlier, are passionate about helping people meet. My friend Jeanine runs MelangeInternationale.com, an organization that encourages diversity in dating - racially, socially and economically. She's also a superb event hostess and chef and I'd suggest you contact her to cater your next party or event. She puts alot of love and care into everything she makes. And she does it on an affordable budget.

Girls Night Out/Female Friendship Groups - Some of the Girls is the way to go. Book Swaps, Potlucks, Happy Hours. Plus they like to organize groups of people to go to most of the social events that happen in the city planned by some fo the groups I mentioned above. Lorelei gives a lot of her free time to organize events and compile a schedule of events for her ladies to attend.

Adult Education - Try Learning Annex classes or a class held at a local school.

Volunteering (Thanks, Maria!) - Check out New York Cares. Or, as Maria said, (Insert City) Cares. Most cities have volunteer organizations that you can join.

Book Readings - Barnes & Nobles offers several different events per month where they invite authors to come in and read excerpts from their books. That's a great place to meet someone who shares a hobby or interest.

Avoid groups that sell tickets to other people's events. For one, guaranteed you're paying more than the regular ticket price. For two, you're basically paying the organizer to show up and attend with you, not for actually planning the event. How to tell? Google the event description copy and you'll probably find the original organizer. Now, this isn't always the case. Some organizers are happy to charge the actual ticket price and offer the event because they think it'll be something fun to do and aren't doing it to make money.

Appropriate your expectations if the group only hosts events in bars and only offers happy hours. Like I said above, it doesn't take a lot of thought to plan a happy hour. Happy Hours are usually straight profit with minimal overhead. The free mass (100+ people) happy hours usually means that the organizer is getting a cut of the money taken in at the bar. For the more fancy clubs/lounges, Organizers of these events usually have to agree to a bar guarantee (meaning the bar has to make X amount) so the goal will be to get in as many people as possible. Doesn't matter who. Which means a large crowd and minimal staff, as most of these spaces don't open til 9 or 10 pm and refuse to have a full staff. So expect long lines at the bar and pricey drinks. Oh..and loud music. Now, if you don't care about spending the money to go to a happy hour, that's totally up to you. Just understand that you'll probably have to make a concerted effort to meet people. So don't go in a group, show up on time and find the host and ask them to introduce you around. That's their job. Make them earn their money. Don't sit on a couch or hug the bar. Put yourself in the center of the room. If you are set on getting the appetizers that most of these events offer, show up early. Organizers plan out to have enough food for everyone. Unfortunately, many people don't really consider others and eat as much as they want, leaving little to nothing left over.

Admission price dictates quality. If you're going to spend money, make sure you're getting an actual service provided or some sort of something for your money like an open bar or a free drink. If there's nothing involved (appetizers don't count as many venues give them to groups for free) then you're basically paying to walk into a bar that you could get into free any other night of the week. Now, if they're 50 people in attendance, don't you think you should be getting an actual service provided if the host is making $500+ dollars?

Anyone else have suggestions for NYC or their cities? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[michelle]

this is a great list!

[Maria]

Don't forget about volunteering. It's definitely a great way to meet people and do some good at the same time. New York Cares (or "Insert City Name" Cares) is a great way to do volunteer work because you can try different projects as it works on your schedule. In my experience, volunteering tends to be about 70 percent women. Most guys I know who volunteer end up meeting their girlfriend or wife that way.

[Craig]

This is a kind of curious question coming from a woman because women don't really go anywhere to actively "meet" someone as the term is used in a verb connotation. They just sit there waiting (hoping?) for men to approach them. I'd say this refusal to proactively reach out to people is the single biggest obstacle women face in finding a guy. So you can go to just about any public place to stand around hoping someone will approach you.

That said, the single best place outside of a bar to meet someone is a bookstore. It's a meat market. Go to one of the huge multi-level Barnes & Nobles in Manhattan (Union Sq. is a favorite of mine) and browse away. If someone is looking at books you have read, offering commentary on the books is an excellent icebreaker. The next best place is coffee shops. A pretty girl sitting alone enjoying a cup of coffee will get hit on. I guarantee it. I would also recommend joining a ski/hiking/mountain biking club or a softball league. These gatherings are about the activity, not meeting people - which is exactly why you'll stand a better chance of meeting someone. Nothing creates mutual interest like a mutual interest in an activity. I met one of my exes when she was lost on a mountain biking trail and I led her out. She insisted on taking me to dinner to thank me and the rest was history. As Moxie states above, book readings/comedy clubs/Learning Annex classes are options too, but less so because you can't really talk to others during them. Singles events aimed at meeting mates are too contrived. Everyone's on the hunt, so it's hard to hold anyone's attention for long. Unexpected, random meetings work much better. You're better off when hooking-up is not the purpose of the activity. The object of your interest is more likely to be focused solely on you instead of scanning the room. Lastly, there's always online dating. Despite what the naysayers say, it does work for some of us.

[Lola]

Activtiy groups are great--I recommend meet market adventures which not only has day trips outside the city (hiking, wine tasting, horse back riding, etc), but also singles travel. Backroads is a great travel company that has trips for singles only. Book stores and cafes are also a great option. Gyms, and cafes in gyms (equinox has lots of them).

[lola]

It's true--online dating does works for some of us who have busy work and social schedules.

[Guy]

Try to take advantage of groups that have retreats or trips. With such a large block of time with a set group you have a chance to really get to know people.

Even if there are no guys/girls of interest, you have a good shot at coming out of it with a friend, wingman, or gal pal who can introduce you to people and make future events with the organization fun and easy. If you go with that as your goal you have good odds for success.

[Rick]

I would like to volunteer for the "rick" climbing. :)

[Steve H]

Like Moxie, I'm coming to Love Meetup.com, and I recommend it to nearly everyone I come across that ponders this same point.

I think one of the worst hurdles to meeting the opposite sex, is the "hunt" mentality. As Craig said in his post, women can essentially take a passive role, and just sit back anywhere. Even online in the comfort of their own home.

However.. this also leads to complaining that they can't "find" any Quality Partners (men and women both are guilty of this). You can't complain, if all you do is frequent generic locations where anyone and everyone can drift in and out. Effectively, there is NO quality control.

Instead of taking on the hunt mentality, take on the Fun Mentality! Go out to places that you ENJOY! Participate in activities that you have fun with. Find like-minded people and go out for the sake of enjoying yourself, have a positive, high-energy, fun experience, and guess what? You'll meet, attract & be attracted to others that are out for the same reasons, are more likely to be High Quality, and already have something in common with you!

Another important factor, that I'm FINALLY getting thru my thick head (I'm 40) is to GO OUT ALONE! That's right.. stop hanging out with a crowd of your friends. Maybe make it a 2-sum at most with 1 friend, but try to often go solo. Love them as you will, your friends can & will often be a hindrance. Either the fellas will huddle together & just bust each others chops over beer, or the women will group up and protect each other, or if one gets attention, the other(s) will frequently get jealous of the attention.

I think any location that actually Stimulates Conversation and provides props and topics to lend to that conversation, is a good place to meet other people, single or not, because we all should know, you never know who's going to know someone that we may want to know.

Museums & art shows are a great example of this, as are theme events or game events (cards, board games, strategy games, pool, darts, etc..)

In addition to the groups she mentioned, I'll add the following:

Explore New York Urban Cycling Meetup Group - http://bike.meetup.com/175/ (Not exactly *single* focused, but a good group of people)
Fit and Fun Active Singles - http://singles.meetup.com/723/ (George, the organizer, is a great host & very friendly)
The NYC Be Social Meetup Group - http://socialnetwork.meetup.com/588/ (I haven't been to Jill's meetups yet, but she seems to take a Very Active role in helping every one be a success)

And don't neglect things like Dance or Yoga classes. A friend of mine, years ago, met her now husband while taking Salsa classes, and another friend met his now wife, at a yoga class! There are Salsa & Yoga groups on Meetup, too.

Don't find an interest group you'd like? Start one! What better way to meet people with like-mentalities, then to invite & host them, yourself?

There's also the following service which will email you info about events matching various interests that you select.. Events are held by a multitude of organizations and run the range from low-key to top-shelf: Event Me - http://www.eventme.com

Remember, the key is to go out and have FUN! That positive attitude and high-energy will work for you, after that.

[Laura]

I want to suggest a couple meetups too!

Explore New York http://socialnetwork.meetup.com/264/

A New York Experience http://culturecircle.meetup.com/14/

Your experience with a group depends on the organizer. Eric, Jesse and Jerin are awesome because they organize a variety of different events.

[Steve from the city next door]

I'll chime in here a bit.

I think Steve H.'s idea of doing what is fun is probably the best.

Looking over where the people I know have met their significant others in the last 5-10 years I see a very strong trend.
Almost 100% online.
A few at work.
Two at relgious services.

It does like quality can be guessed by price...the cheaper the better. I think it is because the cheaper ones are run by people who care and the more expensive ones are run by people who care to get a buck.

I have been apart of two social clubs. One was a small monthly few and then events were either free or cheap and some exclusive events. The other was free two join and events varied and were run by volunteers so prices were generally not hired than otherwise and a number of times slightly discounted. Both had a very high school feel and were extremely cliched. If you didn't go to a lot of events or know at lot of people attend otherwise they were not very good. There is a third one that I have talked to and it is $2000 or more per year (depends on if you are in a category they are looking for or not) and most events were free and many exclusive. I happened to attend an event that the third group attended (18 people total - 2 of us were not part of that group). Seemed like their people were top quality. I had an interesting conversation with the coordinator (they get to attend free)...he said he had pretty good luck meeting people though as soon as you started to couple up there was generally jealous problems etc and he found that you generally could not attend and have fun.

Volunteering seems like a great idea and I used to know of a site (it got shutdown) that actually rated groups for dating prospects. Still, I know of no one who has gotton a date at one.

Adult education type things also seem like they would be a great place yet again I know of no one who has had success there.

So by my reasoning it looks like online dating is a horrible option, yet still the best. Otherwise, just go about your life and you will meet people as you will.

Steve

[Dave]

To the original poster: Ive found team sport leagues and alumni events to be the best place to meet new people. I have made a large circle of friends this way, though I (as a guy) have yet to find someone to date. You could also try running/biking groups where there will be plenty of in shape guys on a regular basis; investment clubs/seminars to find guys with money.

My biggest frustration with the New York dating scene is all the girls I seem to meet are the party girl type. Im so sick of happy hours, bars, flip cup, etc I could die. I would like to go out with the quiet type who is not into bars and partying. My critique of some of the above: Bookstores and coffee shops have been mentioned, but these are nearly impossible in my opinion. Meetup events, though I wont discount completely, seem skewed towards guys. Yoga classes, it is hard with so little time before and after class to talk, and as with the gym, the women dont seem to be there to socialize. Cooking classes, group hikes etc, seem to be reasonable tries though the sample size is usually too small to have a reasonable chance of finding someone. Speed dating has the same problem. Online dating, extreme female/male imbalance. Learning annex, few women in 20s and 30s. I havent tried volunteering, as someone me, which could be a good idea. Any other ideas for finding girls not into bars and partying?

[Maya]

Steve H pretty much covers it. Join activity groups and do things that interest you. Most large cities have their own version of NY Cares or a singles only version called Singles Volunteers-(city name). They also have their own version of MeetIn: http://www.meetin.org/ and LinkUp http://nyclinkup.com/. There's also the Appalachian Mountain Club or Sierra Club if you like the outdoors.

[Bruce]

Try Tango!

www.newyorktango.com lists a whole bunch of places w/ classes and milongas (dances). Many of the milongas are preceeded by lessons for beginners. You usually do not need a partner.

On Saturday nights, I recommend the Lafayette Grill, 54 Franklin St (btwn B'way and Lafayette). They have a beginner's lesson starting at 8:00 p.m. and an intermediate lesson starting at 8:30/8:45ish, and then a milong until the early morning. Cover is $10 + $5 for class.

[Mike P]

I've been having a difficult time meeting others as well, especially when you are over 30. I have been volunteering, but usually people are there for a cause and not neceaasrily to hook up. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but so far have not had luck in that direction. Meetup is good, but I have not been able to go to enough meetups due to not having enough money. It seems that if you want to meet people, you have to send money, which is why I haven't gone the online dating route. Maybe it's that when I go to social functions, I feel awkward about asking for someone's number the first time I meet them. There are some women who I work with, but that is risky. I'm hoping that when I go back to school next year, I will meet someone.

[Lynne Green]

The largest list of singles groups and events in the US and Canada is http://www.singlesonthego.com
Moxie listed a lot of great stuff in NYC. Here are some links to singles groups listed by civic, charity, sports leagues, religous groups, dance and networking in several major US cities in Canada.
Boston http://www.singlesonthego.com/boston/
Los Angeles http://www.singlesonthego.com/la/
San Francisco http://www.singlesonthego.com/sf/
Dallas http://www.singlesonthego.com/dfw/
Chicago http://www.singlesonthego.com/chicago/
DC http://www.singlesonthego.com/dc/
Philadelphia http://www.singlesonthego.com/philadelphia/
Miami http://www.singlesonthego.com/miami/
Atlanta http://www.singlesonthego.com/atlanta/
Denver http://www.singlesonthego.com/denver/
Toronto http://www.singlesonthego.com/toronto/