Why Do We Seek Mr. Right but End Up With Mr. Wrong?

A segment producer from The Today show just called me and asked if they could interview me and some  of my female workshop attendees about why some women seek out Mr. Right and only seem to attract Mr. Wrong instead.

That question made me think. Why do we do that? Is it signals that we sent out? Do men somehow pick up on a certain vulnerability or desperation? Or do we know darn well that the guy we're dating is Mr. Wrong but we fool ourselves into thinking we can change him?

I can think of a few women I know who habitually attract men who don't treat them with respect. Who use them, lie to them...just all together play them for fools. And in each instance, the woman is insecure. I know very few women with their shit together and a high sense of self-esteem that get played or that tolerate the emotionally unavailable man. But it does happen. So how do even they manage to attract the ne'er do wells?

Are we arrogant and believe that our loving and support can raise these guys up and make them want to be a better man? Or is it our fear of being alone that encourages us to settle?

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Katie Ivy]

This is such a loaded question Moxie....but I think there are tons of answers. I agree with you that some women are insecure and fear lonliness than being with a jerk, but I also see women in my life who stay with a man who isn't necessarily their match due to the "under dog" syndrome (that's what I call it anyway).

My girlfriend is a social worker, came from a divrced family, etc. and she is constantly not with only work and cases but also men there trying to help these men who can't help themselves. She is not with a man per se who cheats or anything but doesn't have their shit together. Let's face it for most human its the age old you want what you can't have (he is emotionally unavailable which makes him even more attractive) She constantly has faith that with love and support these guys will triumph. The funny thing is even if it doesn't work out the guy does get it together.
So most times I believe you are right on the nose, Women allow so much crap (which continues the vicious cycle) and stay with a man less worthy than them but sometimes (few cases in between) I don't see it as just a pathetic woman but someone who does show love to a less worthy man. Just a different veiw...Good luck with the today show.

[Kristin]

Oh my Gosh, is that ever the million dollar question. My self esteem is shot after having seemingly nice guys whom I met through friends or work decidely turn out to be freaks, mentally unavailable, or just plain jerks. I am 28 and have given up on finding a nice single guy. I'm convinced that they were already scooped up and are either married or in a serious relationship. And I know because of this, I am not making myself available, but I a simply too darn afraid of meeting yet another wrong guy. My marrieds look at me and can't understand why I can't meet a nice guy. I need advice, too.

[mr-happy]

Women seek men to transfer their early life experiences [dysfunctions]onto/with/heal them and in general try to resolve their emotional issues with a man.[in additioan to prividing support both emotional and material]

If the issue is bad-daddy issues they seek out a bad-daddy type of guy [continually] until they are either old maids or hopefully they resolve their issue[s]. I believe this pattern is automatic and linked to they early life - daddy - experiences. Behind even women I have known who continually dates - bad types for them - is a troubled relationship with DAD! Or another family member or both.

Also the bad boys are sexier and all the girls know that for the most part.

The ideal man is a - nice guy - who can morph into a bad-boy in the bed-room I think.

[KSR]

Having grown up around my parents' far from idyllic marriage (and other bad marriages throughout my extended family), I know from experience that it negatively influenced my own romantic relationships. I knew I didn't want to end up like my folks, but until I was an adult and actually hung out with friends in healthy relationships, I didn't know what one looked like, day in, day out.

That didn't mean I didn't know how to work hard, be successful at my job, and have lots of friends. Despite my parents' rocky relationship, they lived an upper middle class lifestyle, had friends, and always let me knew they loved me and that I could do anything. It just meant that I struggled in this area for a very long time--mostly choosing men who were either emotionally unavailable, did not have their shit together, or who just weren't right for me. I hate to admit it, but that's exactly what my mother did in marrying my father.

[Rock]

I guess you end up with Mr. Wrong when in spite of your feelings, you stick around and make excuses.
Some date the same type of guy over and over don't understand why( Conditioned Behavior).

[PSim]

Now there's a question I personaly struggled with for a while. I discovered my own "pattern" in dating men that aren't good for me -or anyone else, really- a couple of years ago after my divorce (and after a short string of dating what were basically clones of my ex). After much introspection, (and complete avoidance of all things ex in terms of dating...)I've determined that it isn't the man's faults that I am attracted to, but the common possitive aspects that are directly connected to those negative behaviors. Stay with me here - Men who are players tend to be attentive when they are with you, at least in my experience...Men who don't have their shit together tend to be dreamers and/or theoretically ambitious ... Men who are emotionally unavailable tend to be the sensitive "wounded bird" ....And so on. Attention, sensitivity and ambition are great qualities - when it's the real deal. But lying, cheating losers really cramp my style so I tend to be a bit choosier these days and only go for the real deal, not the faux - the Rolex, not Ralex, if you will. The key, for me, has been developing a better eye for spotting the knock-offs before I close the deal...

[Christian]

I suppose it happens a lot to women because they tend to be significantly affected by the physical aspects of the man first before they actually love the personality, and try to set the more important latter off as a modifiable characteristic that they could eventually love.Ladies, I suggest trying out the uglier guys like me who will forever be faithful as long as we click personalities.hahah.I would also like to add that some of the more single sensible men who are not married, or gay, ...are the ones who arent too cute.What do you guys think?

[amen]

I think it's people not valuing what they have syndrome. Hate to say this but people are drawn to drama which requires us to work. We value something more because we have to work so much harder for it.

My former crush had that in her, she was fuck buddies with this guy who was an asshole but she kept wanting to make it work. She didn't want to be in a relationship with me because it would have been too easy. I gave her the love, attention and support she needed. She couldn't value it because she didn't have to bust her ass to earn it.

I learned that making others work isn't a bad thing as long as I'm not manipulative. I'm valuing myself more by choosing who to give my love to,it makes us value the process more.

[amy]

I am all too familiar with the given scenario. I end up w/jerks. I fall in love too easily. I am not desperate nor do I hate myself. For me the reason I stay with these men is because I am used to sticking it out for the long haul. I am not a quitter in anything I do. I know I can’t change these types of men, I guess I hope they will want to change for themselves. I do end it when I see that it’s hopeless and not going anywhere, funny thing is they always want me back. I don’t do second chances. I am in therapy and trying to re-wire my thinking.

[Kegs]

There are a surprisingly high number of women on here who 'always date jerks'. All I can do is speak from the other perspective - I consider myself someone who has their shit together, as you said. I have dated and/or slept with a high number of guys and can actually say that they were all decent people. I don't seem to attract jerks at all, not sure why that is.

It could partly just be down to my attitude - I am not high maintenance, and so maybe some things guys do that other women may call them a jerk for seem fine to me. For example if a guy doesn't call me after a first online date to say thanks but not thanks, or if they text all the time and never call - these are not jerk like characteristics in my book but I have seen other women on here criticise men for that.

I don't get emotionally attached easily, maybe that helps too. I don't start developing feelings for a guy just because we had sex. Which means if we date, sleep together but then things don't work out, that's OK. To other people, it makes the guy a bad person.

Or maybe I am just a good judge of character!

I do have one friend who always attracts the wrong people. And it is because she would rather put up with the bad stuff than be alone (she is in her forties). She is extremely insecure, especially about her age. She sets her standards unrealistically high in the looks department, and as someone said above, that can lead to attracting players. Part of her does think they will change for her too.

[Ofer]

Hello Moxie, I heard you discuss this issue before. As a heavily geekish man, let me add my input. Your discussion goes both ways. Dating is difficult for myself, and I'm constantly getting into the situation where the woman stops returning my calls and vanishes off the face of the planet after having gone on a first date with me. Sadly, I'd be tempted to settle for Mrs. Wrong because she returns my calls!!! Perhaps women are picking up on my vulnerabilities, insecurities, etc. and want nothing to do with it. And there are plenty of times where I meet someone with certain good qualities, and have (possibly unrealistic hopes) to change her bad qualities. Oh yeah, and I do know men that clearly settled for the wrong lady for these sorts of reasons...

[Craig]

The reason some women always end up with jerks is because they aren't really looking for Mr. Right...rather they are looking for Mr. Perfect. They seek a certain look, ethnicity, religion, education, income, or other socio-economic factors, etc. Instead of seeing a potential suitor for who they are, they run down their mental laundry list of what they want in a guy. If the guy has all or most of the attributes on that list, then women are interested. But they don't really take a good, hard look at the guy's personality. Meanwhile a truly nice guy will come along who's missing key items on the laundry list and thus will be rejected for not being her "type". Don't agree with me? Ask yourselves this: how many women out there marry for money, even if they would be otherwise unattracted to the person? Now ask how many men do that.

The bottom line is those women struggling with bad guy after bad guy are basically dating the same guy over and over again. It's time to find attraction and value in men outside your "type". I can hear it now: "Why should we have to settle for someone who's not our type?" The answer is because your type hasn't been working for you. Being an adult means recognizing that sometimes what we want and what's best for us are two different things. On top of that, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over an over again and expecting a different result. So try someone different and I guarantee you a different result.

[mr-happy]

I know many women [friends] who ALWAYS pick the wrong guy, and coming from a family of therepists I have developed some listening and examining skills, and almost always there is something about the man which links into the womens [or mans for that matter, but women seem more afflicted] past emotional issues. This is a tendancy which transends race, color, and culture. I know this repetition compulsion behavior exists for a fact because I have taken the time to talk to allot of women about these situations, and experienced a few myself.

I hope Moxie does not get on my case for basically saying the same thing twice - sorry in advance Mox.

The reason why I emphisize it is because I think it effects many many women and they are not aware of it at all for the most part and sadly repeat failure until they get to the point that it's hard to attract a man and they are old and bitter.

I agree with Craig that women [especially attractive ones] do have a sense of entitlment for the most part and expect Mr. Perfect, and they get away with allot of pumping and dumping of men until their looks fade and they are brought down into reality, that this behavior besides from the repetition compulsive does lead to "That's why your single".

[Mira]

I agree with Craig as well.

I'd go beyond that one-sided women's view in observance to the title:
"Why Do We Seek Mr. Right but End Up With Mr. Wrong?"
that maybe the women herself is the "Miss Wrong" as well?

Takes two to tango.

[gamerx]

Boy, oh boy, could I tell a story about a friend of mine! Loser after looser. She has sex with so many men I can't remember who she did a month ago. And she wonders why men don't respect her. Met her parents, daddy seems nice enough, but spoils her to much. Mama is prim and proper and expects lady-like behavior. She divorced a guy who was nothing but good to her a year ago and ever since shes been involved with loosers galore. Now shes pregnant and doesn't know who the daddy is and she expects her newest guy friend to be there for the birth. I've known the dude for years and he's like, "yeah, right." In her dreams, but she is convinced he'll hold her hand when she needs him. I keep telling her to get into therapy, but she won't.

I wonder what makes a woman keep doing the same stupid stuff over and over again?

Craig is right about insanity. And it was Albert Einstein who said it.

[Trixie]

I totally agree with mr-happy on the point that our pasts with our fathers, or other significant male role models, definitely helps to shape our choices in men. I always tend to get really excited by men that somehow resemble or remind me of my father, with whom I had a troubled relationship with and now there's no contact. The more I've learned to check myself on it, the more I see how strong the urge is to be with those type of men.

The other thing is, I really had no other positive male role models growing up. So who do I use as a barometer on picking "MR.RIGHT"? I'm currently trying to look for positive characteristics in men that somehow validate that little girl in me that loved her "Daddy". But, at the same time, I try to realize that I CANNOT change the past with reliving that relationship through my romantic relationships. It's hard work. And it also requires me to put up many boundaries in the beginning until I feel safe enough to relax them.

That's where some women fail. They don't make a man respect their personal boundaries because they think they will lose him if it's too much work. Well, I respect a man who lets me know how far I can go up front, over a man who bends over backwards to prove how much he likes(lusts)me. If a man respects you, that goes way farther than lust. They can sleep with many but can only marry one(at a time, at least!).

[trouble]

I think women who have a track record of dating guys who treat us badly are usually reliving something unresolved in our past. Until we work it out, we will keep attracting more of the same. I can't say what anyone else's issues are, but mine are abandonment.

I think the key is to figure out WHY you attract and are attracted to the people you are, whether the results are working for you, and if not, figure out what you need to work on, and through.

[Lexy]

Just a self-fulfilling prophecy until you decide to make another one that consists of what you truly deserve. When you stop focusing on all the negative, you allow your life to become the possibility, not its present reality.

[cloudy]

I think some of the most common reasons why women end up with Mr. Wrong even when they claim to be searching for Mr. Right are:

1) They have no idea what they really want. Those who insist they do have not learned to clearly communicate this to the person they are with (usually because though they say they know what they want, they don't really). They are either too aggressive or passive in articulating their needs. The former is usually demanding while the other sits around hoping, cataloging disappointments, but never clearly communicating them. If you cannot ask for what you need, chances are, the person you are with is not going to give it to you.

2) They don't trust people / they trust blindly. Those who have problems trusting tend to be controlling and suspicious. They often "protect" themselves by making people jump through hoops to be with them. The truly good men who are willing to prove themselves are often discarded because someone with real trust issues isn't in an emotional space to allow anyone into their lives to love them in a healthy way. It is far too terrifying. I also think subconsciously their expectations are set so low that they tend to attract people of low quality.

On the flip side, those who trust blindly often are insecure and have a deep fear of being alone. They don't take the time to really know a person before investing love and trust into them. They often end up sorely disappointed because they "fell in love" with an ideal that was nowhere near reality.

3) They are completely out of touch with reality. Prince Charming is for fairy tales. If you are looking for Brad Pitt, with a bank account to match, who's good with children, kind to animals and loves your grandma, that's great, if it's realistically aligned with who you are and what you have to offer.

4) Too many women (especially young women) equate "love" with sexual attraction. Heck, too many equate "like" with sexual attraction. A man doesn't have to like you to have sex with. Some don't even have to be terribly attracted to you to get it up.

5) Sometimes you're just unlucky. There are no guarantees. we're all human. We screw up. Sometimes good people make stupid choices. Relationships change. They take a lot of dedication and work and honestly most of us aren't prepared for that reality.

Of course this is all just my .02.

[Alex]

Craig and Mr. Happy are dead on point again( trust the guys' advice, ladies, not each others'!).

Women don't have to be 'desperate' to drop knickers for Giacomo the Studmuffin (that ethnicity thing C. mentioned. How many women go on sex tour, er, study abroad to Sweden? Now how many to Italy? ;)) ahem,...or Daddy Warbucks? At the time, the "ne'er do well" looks and sounds like "nobody does it better". Don't even confident women seek the "main chance" for love, security or fun? And aren't many 'empowered'-seeming women hiding a lack of confidence about relationships, esp. if their dads or moms failed them? Women seem to power-slide for the guy who looks, spends or sweet-talks like the fantasy in their heads; a fantasy which originated from some source like a soap opera actor, "Cosmo" model, the boyfriend of a GF she and her her friends were jealous of, a celebrity, etc. Some (mostly women) say women over-analyze; I say they don't analyze enough, but try to coast on desire, intuition and some Happy Hour vodka shots. Real analysis often comes after the damage is done, w/o any real "lessons learned" process taking place. But the burned chick doesn't think she's 'settling'; she thinks she's making the ideal choice.

[2-cents]

I'd say the main problem is people not really knowing what they want, and furthermore whether or not such a person actually exists. How often do you hear the desire for someone who is "successful but is there for me". Someone who is active in a high-powered career isn't going to be there for you. Period. Which do you want? Which is more imporant? Vanilla or chocolate? Choose. It doesn't have to be purely black and white, you have to know what blend works for you. You also have to give someone a chance. You can't make a final verdict from one or two dates. If there's some similarity in goals and interests, give the person a few dates to see if chemistry develops.

It's also important to know what's going on in your own head and heart. Without that knowledge you subconscious (and fears, neurosis, etc.) will be running your life. When you've got that handled you can figure out what kind of person is REALLY the right person for you, know what you need, what you can't tolerate, and what's negotiable. Then go out with an open mind and see what happens. The downside of all the "action" in NYC is that it give people the attitude of just saying "next..." when someone doesn't seem to fit the exact profile of what they think they want.

A great relationship is like a financial investment: first you put the money in, then you watch it blossom and grow. And the more you put in the more you get back. That's not the same thing as putting up with more abuse or "crap", just the actual work of being in a real relationship with a real person.

[clueless]

Gotta agree 100% with Alex that too many women are looking for some kind of fantasy man that doesn't exist, but then fall for the playa who can act like the fantasy just long enough to love 'em and leave 'em. And any analysis is flawed if they haven't learned any lessons and therefore don't have their facts right.

I also have to agree with PSim that there are a lot of positive -- or seemingly positive -- attributes that are connected with negative ones. One of my favorites is the ambitious (positive) guy (or girl) who is totally self-involved and selfish. Another is the really successful/over-achieving guy/girl who sets impossible standards for everyone else or who is just very superficial or materialistic. There is a guy I run with who is very smart, successful, fit, funny, etc., but he only goes out with these bikini bimbos because they are supposed to be the ideal. Meanwhile, he passes over all of these smart, beautiful, fun women who don't happen to look like supermodels.

[VJ]

Lots of good perspectives here for both men & women. At the risk of repetition, let's hit some of the highlights:

1.) The number one predictor for who someone might choose as a potential mate is their relationship with their parents, and their parental relationship with each other.

Absent parents beget children with abandonment issues. Distant parents breed children eager to please, but also perhaps not knowing themselves & their needs & wants well. Divorce wreaks it's own complex of problems & issues, of abandonment & anger & fear. Some will try to recapitulate their early intimate experiences with a new mate (daddy's little princess & the 'little prince' are some of these). Others will turn away from type and try to use their harsh upbringing as a Negative example of what not to do, as in children of alcoholics & drug abusers, when lucky.

2.) Early experience with parents & adults of the opposite sex is also critical, as is early play. If you do not become comfortable relating to the opposite sex by HS, you're going to be slightly 'behind the curve' in finding a proper GF/BF.

3.) This is where Luck plays a crucial role. You may be happily befriended by that cute boy/gal nearby that you genuinely like early in HS, and begin to learn a bit more about how to behave around each other & possible sex play from each other. If not, this may take until College to complete/attempt or feel moderately successful at. If Unlucky this is the time when you can be fairly vulnerable to being exploited by others or being in a relationship that leaves much of what you want or need behind, all for the sake of having one. Or avoiding the issue for working on other things, and thus ever delaying this crucial personal development stage. This too can set up patterns of life long associations that may be difficult to overcome.

4.) By the time you're in your mid 20's you should have more than a fair idea of your likes & dislikes, wants & needs with regards to any number of issues. These will change through time, but about 50% of the class (or better) will ignore much of this deeper emotional and psychological work in favor of the ever elusive Hottness, however defined. The bitching Hot bod. The studly fast dude with the nice car & fancy watch/duds/bling. Biology, if it's not taken over earlier, will blind a goodly portion of the population into finding reasonably inappropriate mates simply because their Outward 'cues' will tell us 'HIM, OH GAWD, He's SOOOO HOTTT' or 'LOOKIT That! I Wanna Hit it!'.

Much of our Biology is focused on the relatively short range prospect of mating & the raising of young. (Variously defined in apes & higher primates, this is commonly thought to be somewhere between 2-7 years max). This is why younger is usually more attractive to many folks, (of both sexes). It's seen as 'more sexy' and more 'viable' in the long run. Now your stud may be a dud at home, but that'll take you about 6mo. of intensive exposure to actually find out, so for much of our history, this was almost wholly unknown until marriage. Then it was one of many 'bad bargains' you could count on your fingers up and down the block. The shapely & beautiful young new wife who just happens to be 'frigid'. The handsome, understanding and upstanding gent who turns out to be yes, quite fertile, but as broke and gone after the first brood. (Or the most recent brood).

Previously, folks just did not know such details until married. Now we Can find out earlier, and avoid the mistake of marriage, and perhaps enjoy these 'bad boys/gals' at our leisure, as sort of an experiment or exercise in youthful exuberance. Perhaps one of these wild bad boys will work out! I just know I'll find that stripper with the heart of gold and a soul to match!

5.) Now we move into the 30's. We're finally (hopefully) getting therapy for all the family issues, (hidden, repressed or other), and coming to terms with our past troubled dating/relationship histories. These will continue to haunt us, but not dictate our lives any longer. We think we're all grown up now! Now, we know to Look behind all the Hottness and do a search of his credit history. See if she perhaps has a history of pandering. Or playing with guns & sharp implements. Or being married in another state. Or still. Now each guy has to pass a hurdle of meeting your new demands. Some are quite reasonable. (No more homeless drummers!) Some are not, involving unreasonable salary expectations, specific schools attended, height requirements, personality profiles, distance from family, composition of same, details of earnings & aspirations, etc. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7037362.stm]

This is the 'merger option' and is more akin to the many arranged marriages that still go on than with anything much to do with finding or keeping the idea & ideal of flame of romantic love alive. It's all M&A work, and seemingly it's getting more common, even with the younger set. Which is fine too. You're less likely to be surprised here. And most of the time, your spouse will truly not be overly 'inappropriate' for you unless you have outlandish demands. Reasonable expectations can be met within it's often dull confines. The begetting of children, the effective raising of same in comfortable and even perhaps privileged environs. You can wind up with Mr. Wrong here, but you'd probably wind up with his partner as your next choice.

6.) Next we come to the Great Divide. If by 35-40 or so you do not understand the patterns of your relationships, you may be doomed to repeat them for the next decade or more. Sheer exhaustion on the part of others will lead them to abandon their prior behaviors they've held on to deeply for so long. Inadvertently, they will then perhaps stumble upon the happy coincidence of Chance once again here on the 'back end'. Removed from the previous fray you can come to discover new venues & vistas and perhaps start anew. But only if you are willing to say 'Yes' to opportunities that may look less than stellar, but may be more enduring & entertaining than suspected. Because now you'll [hopefully] have more time to find out!

I still think that's the short version too. A hopeful one as well. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[mr-happy]

One more thought I would add [being a Buddhist], is that kharma plays a role. I think some people forget that the original purpose of [sex & romance?] is to produce children and then for the parents to stay together and take care of them, not just to get our rocks off, in fact the pleasure is really just a side effect mother nature thru in so men and women would actually have sex and reproduce. Otherwise we would not survive!

I believe that too much abuse of sex, too many partners wares ones kharma out and causes a loss of fortune/merits leading to an inability to really have a happy union with someone and other problems, some mental and physical.

So having a "high" number of partners, and sustained lack of respect for what sex and the union of a man and women stand for will lead to problems.

I wonder how many of the folks with say 30+ partners in life really end up with a good or great relationship and how many are basically play [ers] for most of their lifes and will die single [but hopefully not completely alone].

I think if you look at the deteriation of society in this country and it's human relationships you can identify a drop in morality and self-control in this county as well.

Look at what happened to the women who mentions her friend left a nice guy, played the field and fucked everything that moved, now she is pregnant and has no idea who the father is.

Something to think about.

[Crotch Rocket]

It seems like it comes down to role models... With so many divorced parents (or fathers who didn't stick around), both men and women these days simply don't have many examples of happy, healthy, mature relationships to follow. We, as a generation, need some serious therapy to fix what our parent(s) did to us.

[PG]

VJ had some very insightful comments, and I agree with most of what they said. I disagree with mr happy's notion of too much sex or too many partners. No, only if that is a symptom of deep problems within a person (an inability to commit, for instance). A person can spend a number of years having many sexual liasons, and then one day meet the partner of their dreams and settle down with just them. It's not mutually exclusive.

One overriding problem with the issue at hand: relationships were never meant to be fun, satisfying, life-long romantic ventures. They are for some lucky people. But first and foremost the function of marriage (the oldest form of relationships) was to produce children and join families. That's it. Fun was not a consideration.

Look back through history how what we consider "romance" has had nothing to do with most marriages. How society has actually worked against romantic notions towards a more "practical" operating system- i.e. don't wait too long to get married, marry someone sensible or succesful, never mind their looks, etc.

So, it should surprise no one that once you remain all these societial constraints to merely be practical, or just have kids, or simply join the business interests of 2 families, that people keep having dissatification when left to their own devices. Hey, it's hard finding someone that you'll get along with like a friend, are sexually attracted to, and is successful! And that's just if you're well adjusted and aware of what you want.

[mr-happy]

The folks who would agree with me about excessive sex partners creating bad kharma [and the results of bad kharma] are Buddhist and other schools of thought which try to rain in excessive sex and who belive excessive sex is unhealthly in general.

I think for guys who play the field it is hard to rain that in when we get back into a committed relationship and many times they can't control themselfs and cheat relentlessly.

I would love to hear from the ladies/guys who had 30+ [i.e. huge numbers] of sexual partners and/or abused sex and then had a happy lifetime marraige, there are not too many of them, but then there are not too many lifetime partnerships in this country period. I wonder why... Ladies don't you think there is a reason most men do not want to have a relationship with a women who has had "huge/high" numbers of sex partners - besides from disease -, that's right most men who look on a women who say has had 40+ partners as a whore, or someone who can not keep their pants on. I once dated a women who had about 60 partners [she admitted this to me], I enjoyed dating her as she was VERY experienced, but never in a million years would I have considered marrying here. In fact now that I am blabbing on about this I would say us men can get away with it more then the ladies.

I am not saying that a reasonable number of partners procludes one from a healthly long term relationship, however, most times when you see a women/man with that many partners you see someone who abused sex at one point or another.

The kharma thing does work thru out the universe, having a belief in multiple lifetimes and carrying your kharma forward is also central to these beliefs.

So I can completely understand how westerners would have a hard time beliving in this concept as most from this country have belives which are very different from eastern asian beliefs and values. Here we see more children have bad or horrible relationships with their parents or worse think their parents "owe" them somthing, where as inthe Philopines for example their kids come over here and then send money back home.

That was my point that there is a moral decay in this country, and this is coming from a Buddhist not a southern conservative christian.

[jetapache]

Women and dating, even with my lesbian girlfriends it all sounds the same...

Women tend to focus on things they don’t want and are always looking for what’s wrong...

AND Yes us guys tend to focus on your ass and rack at times, but that doesn’t mean we are all bad...

So here I am a guy ready to spit it out...

Women that are close to me are always focusing on whats wrong with a guy instead of what’s right.

Go ahead and call me a sexist pig, just another way of self denial, look at this objectively and open minded instead of judging a book by its cover which most women I believe do without even realizing it.

Stop focusing on what’s wrong with a guy and fail to really see what’s right with the guy.

I hear women most of my friends who are female BTW say this all the time so I can say I have some knowledge regarding this subject...

This guy is a nice guy, he had a good job, he is kind, he loves children, can be a great father, loves his family, is responsible and all that jazz...

But, he smokes, or he is bald, doesn’t make enough money or is not tall enough, or something...something usually stupid is the disqualifier of this guy by the woman...

Besides, nice guys are dull and boring, they are wusses and pushovers, they give me everything I want and kiss my ass...he is a pushover, dull boring and not even a challenge...

Later dude...

You mention meeting Jerks, Face it Ladies nice guys or girls are boring... dull... weak... and nice guys or girls probably suck in bed anyway, they cant get you off or romance you…

GIVE ME A BREAK NOW…

Go ahead and believe JERKS are exciting, dangerous, fascinating, are mysterious, and most of all is I will be the woman to tame him, like SOME bucking bronco out in the stable that can not be tamed, I will be the one to do it....he will give me orgasmic bliss, romance me then treat me as his QUEEN..

Guess what... it never happens...

This is a mans point of view and I am telling you girls that you are missing out...there are so many great guys out there being passed up by these jerks, because of your SILLY perceptions...

stop focusing on the DEAL BREAKER if the guy is cute dont just DQ him cause of something stupid,...

I had some girl tell me that I was very cute and nice BUT... I didn’t fit her height requirement...

What Fucken Ever....

Her loss....................

There are PLENTY of nice guys out there who you pass up every day, if you gave one them a chance instead of some JERK they JUST MIGHT be your MR RIGHT... Prince Charming.....Knight in white satin....

And never confuse a nice guys kindness for weakness...