Why Does She Like To Be Dominated?

Name: M.C. |  Location: San Francisco , CA |Question: I've been dating a girl for a few months now, and things have been going very well. Lately, the physical aspect of our relationship has been very much amplified: we've shared and fulfilled fantasies, etc. I've come to find out that being dominated is a major turn-on for her. Rough sex, bondage, and dirty talk have become regular parts of our interaction.The concern I have is that she has pretty severe self-esteem issues, which we've talked about several times. I now wonder if me "putting her down" sexually will reinforce those issues. That is, do you think she likes being dominated and called a slut because, psychologically, that's how she feels she should be treated? By supporting those feelings, am I hurting her in the longrun? I care about this girl a lot, and wouldn't want to do anything to harm her. Any insight would be appreciated. |Age: 25

It's funny that you wrote this letter today because I was talking with another blogger, Bad Man, about his desire to find a submissive mate as well as my recently awakened interest in the whole dominant/submissive types of relationship.

I have absolutely no idea about the psychology behind S & M and what it all means. My opinion, which is not based on any kind of psychological expertise, is that we each respond to and identify pain in different ways. For some of us it's a deterrent. Something hurts, we don't do it. But for others, that pain can actually be some form of a release or high. I was watching an episode of House recently and one of the doctors mentioned that one of the reasons why people become cutters (intentionally cutting themselves deep enough to draw blood) is because the action of cutting one's skin that deep releases endorphins which, as we've discussed here before, actually help relieve pain.

I had a brief taste of the whole S & M lifestyle last spring. He called me his cum slut and his whore and, funny thing was, I liked it. I liked the roughness. I think I'd draw the line and drawing blood, though. But the pain? The slap, the grip, the the sucking that was just that side of almost biting...I enjoyed it.Was it an endorphin high? Maybe. Or maybe I just liked feeling weak and defenseless because I suppress that so much in my "regular" life. When he started asking me to go out and procure women for him to fuck while he tied me up and made me watch? Uh..no. That's where I lost interest. That felt like it was about degradation and I wasn't for that. In general I think our sexuality is definitely connected in some way to our subconscious thoughts and repressed behaviors. Even as a young child, I can remember being aroused whenever I'd see a woman tied up. Even if it was in a cartoon. Even then I was turned on by the thought of being dominated. And that was before I even knew what sex was. It's odd what our brains and bodies respond to, even though we think it might be "wrong" or "bad."

I guess it could be that your girlfriend does have those thoughts about herself, those feelings of low self esteem, and doesn't like to acknowledge them. She denies them in her day to day life and activities. But when she's in bed, and all her inhibitions are down and she's defenseless (so to speak) she gets to acknowledge those feelings of self-loathing. It could any one of a myriad of things that leads her to enjoy this kind of sex with you. I think you need to ask her. Thing is, she may not even know why she does it. If you really like her and don't want to harm her, then maybe the best route id for the both of you to talk to a sex therapist.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[ana]

omg, being dominated is THE hugest turn on!!

as for the self esteem thing... i've always responed to roughness. when i was younger i had pretty low self esteem. since then i've done a total 180, but STILL like it rough so, in my case, the two were not linked.

i also think gagging is way hot.. to watch or have my b/f do it to me. ---how weird is THAT?

a personal observation about guys dominating:
if it just isn't in you/you're uncomforatable with it and you try to do it anyway to appease the girl... uh-uh. not gonna work. if it's not in you, it's going to be disgenuine & NOT a turn on.

[Crotch Rocket]

First of all, there's a difference between dominating someone and humiliating them. There's also a difference in whether it's just during sex or all the time. And, as ana says, it has to come naturally to you or it's not going to work for long even if it's healthy in her particular case.

Most importantly, though, I'd strongly recommend that you find out if she has any history of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse -- particularly by a (step)father. Been there, done that, and regretted ever going there with her, even though I _am_ naturally dominant. It was unhealthy for both of us.

[Trixie]

I agree with CR, she may have some deep-rooted issues stemming from abuse in her childhood. In general, if she is experiencing low self-esteem at all and admits to it(great first step), she should look into behavorial therapy. That way, she can find out what brings on those feelings about herself and learn how to change them. She may not even remember being abused in her concious mind, which is a common thing for childhood trauma, and it comes out in her subconcious. That may explain her desire to be dominated during sex.

The fact that you are writing in for advice shows something about her behavior has alarmed you. And resist the urge to dismiss it. In most of my close relationships (with male and females), I discovered they had experienced some type of sexual abuse. It's sick that its so prevalent, but it really is. And the worst part is, because of the stigma attached to the victim, many people are afraid to admit it happened to them. But holding it in and not acknowledging the abuse can lead to self-desructive behaviors, ie drug/alcohol abuse, addictions of any form, sexual perversions/deviancy, cutting.

I encourage you to be there for your girlfriend and let her know you want the best for her. At the same time, if you discover she has been abused, be prepared for a roller coaster ride. Read "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis, a book that can give you insight into being involved with a sex abuse survivor. I was married to a survivor, and I discovered my own issues with abuse after doing research for him. One of things that became clear is I liked being the rescuer to avoid dealing with my own problems- a true co-dependent. You seem like a good guy, but be careful of taking on that role with her. It's not healthy for either of you. Good luck!

that you are concerned rather than just using this relationship to experiment physically shows that you are a very good person.

i think you should recognize that this is NOT an issue that someone who runs a dating blog or any anonymous commentators can help you with. You need to speak to someone with a psychiatric /psychology background. this stuff is very complicated and often does relate to self esteem and abuse issues. coming on here, and having other people tell you 'they like it rough' is not responsive or relevant to the potential issues your girlfriend may have. talk to someone who is an expert! neither Moxie or any of us (unless someone here has education in the relevant area but you can't verify it so why rely on someone's representation) have any expertise that can help your girlfriend.

[Black Rose]

If you really care about this person and her well being, as well as taking this relationship to the point where you are both satisfied emotionally and physically, then you should read Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. It's a step-by-step how-to guide on BDSM, and especially good for people that are new to the game, or unsure about what is next.

And while the emotional and psychological side of BDSM is an important part of the game, it isn't all of it. Some people find liberation in letting go and trusting another. Don't listen to the dime store pop psychoanalysts here: Talk to your girl about your feelings and hers, and what you like and don't like, and what she likes and doesn't like. Domination can be a lot of things, but at the end of the day, a kink is a kink, and you two should enjoy getting off.

Read up and study BDSM. Be as good as you can be for her, and she'll respond.

[Kegs]

I think people are jumping on this 'likely to have been abused' band wagon too easily here. You saying all people who practise BDSM were abused during their childhood? No, some people just enjoy getting a rush in any form and realise, through experimentation, that being dominated sexually and having pain inflicted in the right way at the right time can actually heighten the feelings of pleasure. This might seem strange to some, or most of you, but it is true.

From what I read in the question, there are two separate issues. One is that she fantasises about rough sex, the fact that he says she has 'pretty severe self esteem' issues is a completely different topic.

Yes, she should think about talking to an expert about the latter. And yes, if she has these issues then going down the road of experimenting with sex in this way before she resolves them is probably not the greatest idea. But it is these severe self esteem issues that are the problem, NOT the fact that a person is turned on by being dominated. I don't agree that we should make some link that people who DO enjoy this must also have self esteem issues or have been abused.

For me it's like what Moxie says, I spend all day in a position of being dominant to other people, when it comes to the bedroom I get pleasure from those roles being reversed. And yes, domination and humiliation or degradation are completely different. I am all for domination but that is as far as it goes. And the orgasms you can get from a master who knows what he is doing? Unbelievable, and only when someone experiences that will they understand why women who are strong, confident and with plenty of self esteem will have these fantasies and act on them.

[trouble]

Listen...we are all wired how we are wired sexually, and none of us know for sure where it comes from. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with it, as long as we aren't hurting other people (without their consent).

I will freely admit it. I was physically abused by my parents as a child. My mom beat the shit out of us kids.

And, I like to be dominated, spanked, have my hair pulled, be bitten...I like rough sex. I like it to be extremely physical, and I like to feel like I'm being forced.

But you have to understand that unlike the way that I was abused as a child, the sub has COMPLETE CONTROL over what the dominant does or doesn't do. I have control. I can make the story end however I want it to end.

That's a HUGE difference. Am I reliving? maybe. But when I relive as a sub, I end up feeling powerful and sexually satisfied. That works for me.

[trouble]

For those of you who are far more into BDSM than I am...I realize I'm not a true sub...I top from the bottom. I want the ILLUSION of losing control without it ever actually happening. THAT turns me on.

Sex is such an individual thing, and finding what your "thing" is can be complicated. But I think it's best for people to be non-judgemental and not assume that they know better...we each have to decide, for ourselves, what we like and don't like.

End of story. No one else knows better than me what my preferences are.

[annie]

As a "true" sub and victim of a sex crime many years ago, I understand some of the self-esteem issues. I also realize that not all of my sub friends were abused as was articulated earlier. I sort of fell into BDSM. I was with a bf, who later became my Master, who recognized that my desire to be a Type A and be the big, bad-ass woman, needed taming. I craved that kind of relinquishment of control but did not have the words for it until my Master helped me understand the D/s aspects.

Perhaps MC may see this in his girlfriend as well. There is a fine line between desired domination and humiliation and a good (IMHO, well-read, well-thought-out, patient) D can help a sub see that. I liked "Screw the Roses" as well and I would also recommend "SM101" which is sort of a manual. Yes, some like it rough (which may be rough in its own right) but not want to be dominated or topped. I think there is a difference between wanting to be someone's cum slut and procuring women that will turned on a spit with you. But that's a conversation that needs to happen in every D/s relationship--to set parameters and discuss where a scene might go, to have safewords, and a true understanding of what helps the other person have an amazing experience.

I myself am a masochist. I NEED pain in order to fulfill my side of things. That does not mean being slapped in the face or having the crap beat of me. We have sat down on numerous occasions (outside of the bedroom) and discussed the others needs and desires. If it means having a nipple cut off, so be it. That's the gift I give to him. It's a fine balance when you have it and a long lonely night when you don't.

[amy]

"that's a conversation that needs to happen in every D/s relationship--to set parameters and discuss where a scene might go, to have safewords, and a true understanding of what helps the other person have an amazing experience."

as a fellow masochist, i believe you have to know yourself pretty well in order to be part of the S&M world. you must be comfortable with your partner and have trust. someone w/low self esteem can get very hurt in these situations. you must also set boundaries as to what you will or will not do. your partner must treat you with respect and see you as a person not an object, otherwise the situation can get out of hand. there is a dating website for this type of activity. i would urge you to research this sexual behavior further. you need to see what makes her tick. hope the info is helpful for you.

[Debbie]

I've been into S&M lite for about 7 years now. I love beng dominated. Sexually it's a big turn on for me if a man is dominant. I, however, do not like being with a man who is dominating and macho outside the bedroom. I do NOT have self esteem issues and I was never abused. Am I the exception? I don't know. I know many women who were abused (sadly..most of my female friends were abused at one time or another) but interestingly enough none that I know of are into being submissive.

So I don't think the original poster should assume there is a connection.

And yes, there is a big difference between being dominated and being humiliated....i.e. someone has you crawl around on your knees naked with a collar around your neck while you bark like a dog. some people enjoy that....I don't quite get it. It would be humilating for me but I guess it's about being completely dominated by someone and giving them total control over you. Some people say it's a trust issue but to me it's just about someone humiliating you.

If a man calls me a slut in bed I sort of take it as a compliment as weird as that might sound. I know he's turned on and it turns me on as well. If he called me a slut outside the bedroom it would take on a comletely different meaning to me. I hope this makes sense.

I think we all have self esteem issues to some extent. sometimes the people who seem cocky with really high self esteem are the most insecure.

[Windy]

Well, I have been sexually abused in my past... but I was also always drawn to the idea of submissive roles. When I was a child, I always wanted to be a princess who was in danger and needed a rescue. Part of it might have been from the neglect I got from my parents or it may just be my personality.

But I admit to having submissive tendencies in the bedroom. I like to be tied up and I like a man who knows/tells me what he wants me to do. But because of my past, I DO NOT like humiliation or degradation. I won't allow anyone to call me a slut or whore. That is a direct result of my abuse and I simply don't allow it.

Outside of the bedroom, I am my own strong, independent person and while I do still like a strong man in my life, I will put the smack down on a guy who thinks he can boss me around in regular day to day life.

I guess why I am saying all this is because abuse in the past can be behind her behavior, or not. Don't assume you are doing damage to her unless she seems like she is hurt or upset.

Finally... one key component to the S&M thing that newbies often forget is called "after care". Once you have spent time calling her names and being rough or whatever it is she wants, make sure you spend time afterwards building her back up. Tell her how much you appreciate her, how beautiful she is, that she's your lady... etc. If she is doing this for the wrong reasons, that will at least help her to realize that to you, it is just playing and you really do value her.

[trouble]

Windy,

That is a really important part.

And I will say that I'm with most of the people who have posted here. i don't want a Master. I just want rough sex, occasionally (okay, fine, most of the time). I want to have a few bruises and bite marks twinging the next day to remind me of the dirty things we did.

But if a guy tries to take that dominant crap out of the bedroom (and a lot of guys who are naturally dominant in the bedroom are real pricks in life), he's going to be owned.

[Bad Man]

What happens in the bedroom happens by negotiation. M.C. - there's no way we can tell you if your girlfriend wants to be dominated because she feels insignificant, because she feels that the most beautiful gift she can give you is herself, or if it's because of some other thing. You have to ask her rather than asking the Internet. There are lots of women who just generally like their men to be dominant, assertive, and in many instances to be physically rough. As long as both of you are on the same page, there's no real trouble. I don't have much to add beyond what's already been said which is good, nonjugdmental advice. Except that all of you submissives should call me. Kidding.

One other final thought - the pain and the pleasure are linked. As Moxie pointed out - the endorphins kicked out by pleasure and those kicked out by pain are the same endorphins, just with different triggers. And if you or your partner have particular associations and anchors that relate pain to pleasure, it's easy to get the two mixed in your brain. I rather suggest taking Moxie's advice if you're worried - get a professional opinion. If you're not worried, or if you can address it via conversation between you, relax, it's ok, lots of people liked to have a little (or a lot of) pain with their pleasure.

[Tia]

As someone who enjoys submissive play, I can understand her desire if it enhances her sexual experience. It may, or may not, be tied up with her self image, but if you think it is then go talk to a sex therapist (who has experience with D/s) together, and get a professional's opinion. If, as with alot of people, she simply likes the "s" side of the D/s experience, then it is a question of whether you are comfortable in a D/s relationship. Again, that's a question to be dealt with by a therapist, together with your partner. As it sounds like you may not be comfortable with D/s, its probably better to air that now with your partner. Myself, I openly tell my partners (male and female) that I enjoy submissive play up front. It sends some away quickly, but has led to some great sex and great relationships with others. I'd rather be in the same head space with someone and able to play to my partners' satisfaction. Vanilla sex just dosen't do it for me.

[Mira]

IF you were told by her or experienced that she has self-esteem issues, then she probably has.

But sometimes,
when a person likes to be dominated is because they already have a very strong personality and needs to be in control in every day life aspects (which can be very tiring sometimes); from jobs to family etc.... hence they like to be able to "relax" onto their partner by relinquishing their control and see their partner as a "refuge" / "escape" from everyday life and vice versa.

Same goes for people who likes to dominate in the bedroom may actually lack the control of life issue outside of that bedroom and uses the bedroom as a mental refuge from (his/her) everyday chaos.

No one can be at an extreme point on the submissive or dominate scale at all times for sex, because even day to day experience may change the roles sometimes. Or the whole BDSM thing would become boring and even tiring to become "just a performance" to be done (e.g. think of a woman just laying there and the man doing all the work).
Key to anything IS the golden measure of moderation.

I stress again that all individual cases are different.

[karen]

Well this is my kind of topic !! I experiemented with it first. The first Dom I had was very abusive. He and I worked together, we dated for awhile and I came clean with him. He got into it far deeper than I did which ended the relationship. He really liked inflicting pain and I'm not heavy into pain but like the light side of it.

He liked to humiliate me and it started to damage me emotionally and mentally. This is what I've learned from being into it for 10 years. Do not find Doms or submissive off the internet. Some real whack jobs. Read the books that was mentioned such as Screw The roses. I have seen subs have some major issues and like the pain. I am not able to relate to that. I have a very submissive personality and to me that is what D/s is about. I like the mental aspects and from there it intensifies in the bedroom. It takes much TRUST for me to go that far with someone.

I would say Moxie you are more of a bottom because of your personality. Possibly just a bedroom submissive. Then you have subs that are into it for the pain and humiliation. There are so many degrees to it and its not a one size fits all.

If I were this guy I would not attempt anything with her until she has proven she's sound mentally and emotionally. Then I have found Doms and sub who have turned out to be the most solid mentally and emotiontally. Its one of the reasons I got involved in the community. I want to see how people interact, their professional lives etc...

Then I try and make an intelligent decision before proceeding in any sexual way. The dynamic between a Dom and sub is powerful. To me its not all about the sex.

Sounds to me like the poster is dealing more with a bottom. There is a difference.

[Denver Dan]

For many people (not all people) your kinks come from your insecurity(s) and inadequacy(s). But don't be afraid of that, enjoy it. Maybe it's our brain's way of coping.

In the words of the great sex columnist, Dan Savage "Your subconscious has eroticized those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, turning the lemons of sexual insecurity into the lemonade of a burgeoning sexual kink."

[Crotch Rocket]

"I think people are jumping on this 'likely to have been abused' band wagon too easily here." I didn't say it was likely, but it's an unhealthy reason that many women end up thinking they're submissives/bottoms. Regardless of what people say, it _is_ common -- more common than those in the scene would like to admit, but not as common as those outside assume. All I'm saying is is that one needs to investigate _why_ their partner is interested in that sort of thing before jumping in. If that's not why, then have a ball with it (well, if that's your kink).

[VJ]

There I was, fully content to only read & enjoy the wit& wisdom of the crowd when some finally one goaded me into writing. CR asks: "All I'm saying is is that one needs to investigate _why_ their partner is interested in that sort of thing before jumping in." But dear sir, they Have! (And we might even do this w/o psychatric analysis of our dates, even before the kink occurring!)

But the point is well taken. Fly fishing. Let's discuss. It's a very strange sport with equally strange equipment that people rave about when they get the 'real deal'. Typically the returns are fairly small and takes hours & even days of meticulous & often arduous preparation & travel. If you indeed 'tie your own', you can spend hours in a quiet darkened room tying flies of all types. For all conditions you're likely to encounter. Special ties & flies for rivers, lakes, ponds, piers etc. There are short cuts for novices and for the increasingly hurried pace of life. Orvis will cater to this crowd, which happily brings us to the point. Fly fishing is perhaps the single sport where more millionaires are represented on the typical casting line in some select secluded places than almost any other (non motorized) recreational sport. Really. It's where they go to relax and commune with nature, away from everyday cares. They fly in on charters, and take a weekend or a week or more up in the Canadian Rockies. In Alaska. Sometimes still in ID & MT too. They've been doing this for many generations too. So fly fishing. Complex sport of really rich guys. Except, even if the average income of the composite 'average' fly fisherman is well into the 6 figures, you'll still find that local boy in ME who did it with his grand dad, and old codger in FL who used to do it with his dad on small secluded ponds, and plenty of youngsters who just grew up in the country and managed to pick up the skill to agument their usual fishing skills.

So yeah. They Have scientific studies of BDSM behavior, starting way back with the the old Alfred Kinsey reports of 1947 & '53 and moving on to Master's & Johnson investigations & research in the latter 1950's & 60's. (Hey, the swinging 60's had to be good for something, right?) There's been a bunch of much smaller infestations since, and there's quite a few psychology journals that publish on these trends. So the research is out there, and it's actually Probably available on the net too.

So again, the short answer is that yes, it's a lot like fly fishing. Plenty of people are doing it for a variety of reasons. Some do it for the reasons that Dan Savage surmises. Many do it as a sense of serious fun adult 'play'. Some use their kink to work out the demons of a deeply dysfunctional childhood and repressed memories too painful to confront directly. Some just like the aspect of 'losing control' and just the 'rough side' of love life. The stone fly vs the sand fly. When done 'right' & ethically no one need to get hurt permanently (although variations on this can exist), and people can explore the boundaries of their kink w/o the police being called or too many unfortunate painful accidents from occurring.

But there's a huge volume of information (and porn) related to this kink on the net. There's an immense amount of classical literature devoted to the topic too. As the board here suggests it's also gotten to be popular in some circles, and is in fact probably immensely more common than it once was. Either in encountering images, language, accouterments & props or the real deal next door, most people today are at least glancingly familiar with it. What your grand dads possibly referred to way back when as 'the English vice' has a very long tradition, and you can find old images of same from the dawn of photography & eons before that too. It is said to be very popular among the wealthy too, (always has as a matter of fact), which is what it shares with fly fishing! Those rods.

So this is an overly long explanation to say just one thing: It's out there. If you want to find out about it, all you have to do nowadays is Read! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[Roy]

Everyone has at least one "different" taste, fantacy, desire. My experience is that if I am strong enough to help my partner fulfill / live out their secret, it can be extremely rewarding. Especially if I am also strong enough to accept that my partner may either want to go further with the taste, or may decide the reality is not as exciting as the fantacy was and not want to repeat it. I truly appreciate it when a partner is trusting enough of me to share her "deep secrets".

[Alex]

Sounds like some kind of weird Nazi sh*t to me, but then I freely admit to being socially, though not politically, conservative. Still, VJ gave me a laugh getting me to try to imagine my grandpas flogging my grandmas. At least one of them truly would've deserved it....