Her Boyfriend Wants To Take a Trip..With His Ex

Name: Nicole | | Location: New York , New York |Question: I wanted to get some feedback from you and the group on the appropriateness of one's boyfriend going away on a trip with a female friend.  To provide a backdrop - the female friend was the man's girlfriend over 5 years ago and has stayed friends with both him and his family.  She has no relationship with her own family and both him and his family have complained about her as being emotionally unstable.  The trip is a one week skiing trip that involves the two of them sharing a room - two beds one only hopes. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 11 months in an exclusive relationship and spend each weekend together, including weekend visits to each other's families.  My concern is that I found out about the trip a few weeks after it was booked.  When I explained to my boyfriend that I was upset that he didn't see if I wanted to go as well, he said that he was sorry, that it was a trip they had done in the past and that he would either cancel the trip or I could go with them.  I decided that it would be unfair to make them cancel the trip so I agreed that we all should go.  For the first 6 months of our relationship the friend was never around at family events and I didn't have to be around her on weekends but after the first six months he started to ask me if I would be comfortable if the girl came to a family party.  Of course, I was open to the idea. She started to come around on weekends everytime there was a family dinner or event planned.  I started to pick up that she was too emotionally attached to him. I observed her one time touching/caressing his shoulder in a way that a girlfriend would typically do.  I explained to him after this that I was starting to become uncomfortable around her because of the things I was observing.  Then a few weeks after we had this discussion I found out about the trip.  After his initial offer to let me go and plans are made for my airplane tickets, he tells me that the girl has decided that she no longer wants to go because she doesn't want to feel like a third wheel.  She goes ahead and cancels the hotel reservations and my boyfriend then gets angry at me.  He tells me that if I trusted him I would let him go and that because he knows that I don't like her he would be uncomfortable being there with both of us.  I don't think this is really about trust but more about respect for our relationship.  There are many other times in our relationship when he goes out with his male and female friends from the past for dinner or talks with them on the phone when they are having a bad day and need help which I have no problem with.  I think that is healthy in a relationship to keep in touch with your friends.  I just think that this is way too much.  I also asked him why for the first 6 months she wasn't around and then all of sudden she is around all the time now.  He tells me that he figured after 6 months our relationship would be solid already and wouldn't have these trust issues.  What do I do? Is it appropriate for a boyfriend to go away with a close female friend who was once his girlfriend? I'm confused....  |Age: 33

What are you confused about? OF COURSE IT ISN'T APPROPRIATE! He's even doing the classic "turn the tables on her and make her think she's crazy" thing.

Nikki.....he's fucking her. And know what? He's doing it right in front of your face. Jesus Christ. Dump this asshole.

I knew a guy who did the same thing to his live-in girlfriend. He was too much of a pussy to dump her so he used his crazy secretary to force her hand. The secretary would call him at home and always be around whenever we all went out for drinks after work. She was making sure the girlfriend knew that he was fucking her. That's what is going on here. He's even trying to make you think the problem is YOU. The guy wants to be able to take a vacation with his ex-girlfriend and he doesn't think you should be upset???? He's trying to get you to dump him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work. This is one of those situations where the girlfriend is supposed to say, "Uh..you want to do what? Um...no.Not just no but don't you dare even consider it if you're fond of your testicles." I usually don't advocate telling a man what to do but in this case it's totally justified. He wants you to give him permission to absolve himself of any wrong-doing. Then he can then turn around and blame you for the fact that your relationship isn't working. How/Why are you even questioning this???????????????????????

Then when you dump him, call this lunatic he's schtupping and say, "He's alllll yours." How fucked up is she that's she's participating in this? No rational or stable woman does that. Hello, another desperate woman who has to stopp to underhanded ways to try and get a man.

LEAVE. HIM. NOW.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[lola]

It's not appropriate, no how, no way. I wouldn't go away with my ex bf on a trip without my bf and I wouldn't expect (or accept) my ex going away with his ex without me. It's no problem staying friends with an ex, even going out with them sometimes--I've done that a few times and made sure to tell my bf about it beforehand--but this situation doesn't seem above board. Moxie's right, DTMFA.

[Wanderlusting]

Agree with Moxie.

I would never do it and expect my partner to do the same.

My boyfriend is good friends with his ex (OK, it was ten years ago, in high school, they never slept together) but still. Even though I am friends with her too and think she is lovely, I would never approve of this. I trust my man 100% and trust her too but it would still make me feel uncomfortable, worried about the inevitable WHAT IF?

Luckily my man is amazing and knows this. The other she asked to crash at he and his roomate's place. He said of course she could take the couch but then let her know he would be staying with me. We didn't even have plans that night, he just knew I would be uncomfortable with her staying there and immediatley let me know he would be spending the night with me, without me even saying a word about it. It was the nicest thing.

[lola]

Oops, I meant to say that "I wouldn't go away with my ex boyfriend on a trip without my boyfriend and I wouldn't expect (or accept) my boyfriend going away with his ex without me."

Not even a jealousy or a trust thing, just I'm with my boyfriend (or girlfriend) now and that's the person I want to spend time with on vacation and as a part of my life.

[seurat]

Very few things in life are black and white, but this would be one of them.

Totally inappropriate. Completely. There are things called boundaries. He isn't setting them.

Run. Pass GO, do not collect $200. Seriously.

[VJ]

Dear Nikki, We have been engaged as the counsel for this A err... Client to try to smooth out some misunderstandings that might be going on. So to start:

1.) It's our understanding that it's Only sex. Really. Nasty dirty sex. Quick furtive secret sex. You know the drill. Not the tender loving stuff he's doing when he's with you? OK? Square?

2.) The reason she's at the family gatherings is that she's doing sociological research into family dimensionality. Sure that's the ticket! Ask her about it, she's always open to talking more about her research. Of course this has a more intimate aspect too. Don't question dear old dad too closely.

3.) In reference to #2, did we mention that the Ex was a 'test-bed' for a new longer lived Viagra drug? It's all hush hush. Proprietary drug stuff you know!

4.) 5 Years you say. No our information is that it never really ended, they kept on seeing each other right until 6 mo ago.

5.) Trust is essential to any ongoing loving relationship. Our client is surprised that you don't trust him enough to not be spreading all that good love around. I mean, he's really cute, right? Just a few slip ups here and there, and soon you want to dis-invite this poor girl from the family gatherings she's grown to know & love? How perfectly cruel & heartless. We are considering suing for emotional alienation right there!

6.) You had a good 6 months of blissful solitude with your dude, now he's got to share his love with his crew. What can be wrong about this? He's just a loving guy! He needs more & gives more! It's an ethnic thing, perhaps you'd not understand.

7.) Given that the Ex has had an unfortunate mental history, he thought it would be too risky to 'cut it off with her' too dramatically, so as to protect her fragile mental state. And not so coincidently to enjoy some of that 'crazy Ex' sex. Is this so wrong? Almost Purely a humanitarian gesture!

8.) Given the above, it's our considered recommendation that you may want to seriously reconsider those personally monogrammed china that you were looking to buy together. And all the other registry stuff. Really.

Sorry about that.

Sincerely, Hugh Louie Dewy, Chief Counsel, Dewy, Cheatham & Howe.
Harvard Sq., Cambridge, MA. (Our bill will be under the mat in the morn!)

Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[frolic and detour]

Honey, you know what he's proposing is inappropriate. Tell him you won't be around when he gets back. Seems as if this is precisely what he wants. In terms of your self-esteem, nothing good can come from this situation.

If he's hell bent on taking a trip with his ex, let him! They seem to deserve each other. And let the door hit him on the way out, too.

[KingBob]

There is no way this is appropriate. Simple as that. It's not about trust.

[Debbie]

Uggh

I went through something similar. My ex was best friends with his ex of 9 years the whole time we dated. He'd spend some holidays with her and sometimes weekends because she didn't have a boyfriend. No, he wasn't schtupping her but he may as well have been. Because basically what he was saying was she's more important to me then you are. And I put up with it...for four years. Wanted to be the perfect girlfriend so I pretended it didn't bother me. It wasn't that I was jealous of her. But that he didn't consider it might bother me. after we broke up his new girlfriend didn't want him anywhere near me. Smart girl. she put her foot down which is what I should have done but didn't have the guts to try fearing I'd lose him. I would have been better off.

run from this man and thank God it didn't take you 4 years. Moxie is right, he's playing with your head. You sound a little naiive to me so you seem like the type he could mess with and turn it around and make you feel guilty so you'd break up with him.

[off-the-radar]

yep, Moxie is right on. So let me join the chorus: get out now. I don't know why people play these f**** headgames but they do. And he's playing with you. Not nice, not fair, so look after yourself and don't look back.

VJ, your post made me laugh out loud.

[Craig]

Nicole, are you serious? Are you really asking if your boyfriend going away with an ex is appropriate? The fact that he didn't even think to ask you to come until you brought it up and that the other chick bailed after learning you were coming tells you one thing: Moxie is right. He's fucking her. Either that or he is planning to. Right under your nose no less after 11 months together. Wow, what a douche.

[KSR]

Yeah, what added insult to injury after he booked the vacation with the ex prior to telling you (which in and of itself is a deal breaker) was when he got angry at you for her cancelling.

If someone is sincere about having a healthy relationship with a new partner, they have to define clear boundaries with friends that they used to date. The friendship can no longer have romantic qualities nor can you participate together in activities that you'd do with a romantic partner.

Hate to say it, but if the ex can't adapt to the new parameters, that relationship either needs to end or becomes damaging to your new romantic relationship.

So, is it more important to have a healthy romantic relationship or continue the friendship with the ex, which still has romantic elements?

Sadly, the poster's boyfriend has already made his choice.

[KILSY]

Hi Nicole. Ahh the ex situation is the most obvious red flag ever (picture the police sirens in Times Square)! Have you kept any relationships with any of your exes? Come on now; that is the biggest and most audacious form of disrespect if I ever saw one. He definitely even used the old turn the tables routine like Moxie said.

Rent the movie "Little Black Book" (just saw it today for the first time) and you'll see how you're the "boomerang" in this equation. Just RUN as fast as you can and don't look back!

[Rock]

Only a jackass will wonder if it's appropriate for their SO to go away on a trip with an ex and hope that they have 2 beds. Don't be that jackass, get out of this relationship. He doesn't respect you and your feelings and wants to act like a victim when put on the spot.

[Rocky]

It's inappropriate period.

[mr-happy]

Sometimes we just need to let go and admit something is over, that's why leaning to let go in general of what you think you want is important. Leaning to let go of that "hot" person who you have "amazing" sex with when you can clearly see the red flags, yet it's true most of us can not do this.

Many people even when they know in their hearts something is done/over with, reality is telling them something and they are so attached they can not listen and make excluses - this is one of those times for you!

He's already crossed a line, and he will not get any better.

He should have at least been man enough and respected you enough to break up with you first.

NOTE TO SELF: about 95% of the time unless it's business when a man and women go away together it's for vacational fucking.

If you do not let go of him now pain and agony await you.

[Discogirl77]

Girl, Don't be confused! If your instinct is telling you that something doesn't feel right to you, I say listen to it! My current boyfriend is friends with his ex-wife and her family. However, we've been dating 6 months and I haven't yet been introduced to her. They even work for the same company! I think he's honest about the fact that they are just friends, and her family is like family to him, but if he were to attempt to hang out one-on-one or go away with her, that would be where I draw the line! Unacceptable! Good Luck.

[he's dead, jim!]

NO WAY is this appropriate. Especially the "sharing a room" thing. You have every right to tell him "no" in the most firm way possible. But be prepared to break up with him over it. If he does not respect you enough to understand your position, he does not deserve you.
~HDJ

[Maya]

No it's not appropriate. Being friends with an ex is fine (one of my closest friends happens to be an ex), hanging out with them is fine, going away alone with him/her when you are in a relationship with someone else is not.

[Crotch Rocket]

Completely inappropriate. He's unable to set boundaries with her, and he doesn't respect your unhappiness with that fact. Add to that how she cancelled when she found out you were going -- if she were just a friend, she'd have invited (or asked him to invite) another guy along to make a foursome. Sorry, but a woman does not go vacationing with a guy _and only get one hotel room_ unless she's planning on fucking him. I don't know if he's been cheating on you so far, but he's obviously unable to stop her from taking what she wants so it'd happen on that trip if it hasn't already. The icing on the cake is how he tried to make you think _his_ inappropriate behavior was _your_ problem; it'd be one thing if he realized how stupid the idea was and apologized, but trying to turn it around on you just shows how manipulative and unaccountable he is, and you don't need that.

I'm friends with a few exes, and I'd never even _think_ about taking a vacation with one of them if either of us were in a relationship. If I did suggest it, they'd come straight over to slap the shit out of me for being an idiot. You just don't do that.

[Grace]

Just when I think I have heard it all there is another f**ked up story to be told. THese people need therapy.

[JEFF]

ARE YOU FROM MARS?

[Lynn]

We women have been taught to walk through life with blinders on. We've never been taught proper behavior in a relationship with a man or a woman. Your boyfriend's behaviors are disgusting. He played the blame game and shamed you to divert attention to what was really going on. Now, if you try to point out the only important issue in this whole situation (his inappropriately planning a trip with an ex behind your back) he'll merely continue to point the finger at you. I finally got my head out of my ass, grew a spine and I've begun to see things for what they are instead of what I hope they'd be. From the outside looking in- he's a manipulator and will continually (yet gradually) increase his control through manipulative behaviors.

[Dylan in Philly]

GADZOOK! Where do these people come from?

Follow your instincts - thats my Motto! If your instinct tells you "No", then it's NO. If the other instinct tells you "Yes", then let him go with he's ex to ski trip for a week. Let alone, it not like extend weekend trip. But, no matter what your decisions are, don't regret your decision making.

I truly don't understand, why/how some of these guys/gals stay friends with their "Ex's". That's why it's call an "Ex" - Oxymoron! Nonetheless, all my previous GF's whether it's long term relationship or short term relationship, I Don't stay friends with them and so does my female/male friends. He is disrespecting you and he is trying to make you the bad person. Just by not telling you earlier, he already knew about this ski trip with he's ex's and the family for a week, this should tell you its a big "Red Flag". It seems to me that this guy has lots of flaws... Because, for most part, I'll bet that 99.99%, he is banging he's ex's. The other .01%, thats how much he cares about for last 11 months he's being with you.

This is live and learn lesson - move on! There are lot fishes out there, but next time don't be so naive. Eventually, he will realize that he lost something good he had it with you, but it's someone elses gain. NEXT!

Cheers. ;-)

[Jasmin]

No this is not appropriate. He is being disrespectful and manipulative. Her canceling means she doesn't want you there...Wonder why? Him blaming you and being angry is manipulative.

They planned a trip without you! One that you didn't know about for weeks???

It is way too much.

This guy is manipulative, a liar, and treats you badly. Deep down you know this. It's why you wrote. You get to decide what to do now...

[Love Always]

Women have become waayyyy too door mattish lately. No, it's not okay for a boyfriend to spend time with his ex, not even if they have kids together! F' that! Are you crazy?
Boundaries, my dear. Learn to set boundaries and find yourself being walked on NO MORE!
Ski vacation with the ex sleeping in the same room INDEED! I can't believe there was ever even a question as to the depth of the innate wrongness of that!

[Daniel]

You mention that you "found out about the trip" after it was booked. When (if at all) was he planning on telling you? Do you think if you didn't find out he would have been gone that weekend on "a business trip"?

This is not about cheating or trust...it's simple RESPECT.

He should have respected you enough to talk to you about the trip BEFORE he booked it. He knew deep down you'd say no, yet he still chose making plans with this crazy ex than to be upfront with you who is every day investing her life and emotion into a relationship with this guy.

I don't know that demanding he not see her any more will do the trick, as it has been going on so long he'd probably do it behind your back.

I would either just flat out cut him loose, or tell him that you're giving him a month without seeing you to get his shit together. There's not room for both of you in his life.

If after a month without seeing you he decides that the prospect of losing a relationship/marriage with you isn't worth 86ing his old flame, you've just saved yourself a lot of time and heartache. If he tells you she's no longer in his life I would let him know that you are going to have him on a short leash until YOU believe it.

Good luck!

[Nicole]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I should have never seconded guessed myself......You are all right....he is a bad apple who is manipulative...the ex is that way as well which is probably why he chooses to keep her in his life...when this happened I found out that she tried to paint it as a trust issue and also had the nerve to tell him that if I knew how lucky I was to have him and appreciated him I would let him do what he wanted and hang out with his friend. Worst part of this story is that when I talked with his sister, who is controlling of him and has a bully personality, I realized that she was feeding the fire as well. She's also friends with the ex. Her perspective was that I was trying to keep him from doing what he wanted to do and that was who he was. A emotionally mature women, even if it was her own brother, would have expressed some concern for whether it was the right thing to do to your girlfriend. I now can see that this is a unhealthy negative environment that I need to get out of....Thanks....

Err, Yes. My Client has asked me to respond.

He's deeply hurt that people have been impugning his motives, 'running down his good name', and doubting his sincerity. Trust is as trust does.

Seeing the critical responses above, He's now prepared make a more generous offer for any females under the age of 35 with waists also <35 and weighing generally less than 10 stone to join him on said vacation for further & more extensive investigations into some of these pending issues. Naturally we retain the right of 'first refusal', so please do send a photo head & clean body shot (swim suits acceptable) to our offices to be considered for this exciting adventure of fantasy& discovery. A short but detailed 5 page NON VIOLENT essay of 'How I enjoy group sex' should also be included. Many thanks for your kind participation. This offer is of limited availability to the first 5 participants who pass the bar of attractiveness based on criteria solely known to & established by my client. Availability, and naive & gullible nature will be getting top marks here mostly.

We thank you in advance for your kind cooperation with our outrageous & nefarious demands & designs.

Sincerely, Hugh Louie Dewy, Chief Counsel, Dewy, Cheatham & Howe.
Harvard Sq., Cambridge, MA. (Pictures & Media sent to these offices will be nonreturnable & we retain all rights to them. Thanks Dolls!).

Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

DTMFA. He is a jerk who clearly doesnt care about your feelings. I think if one has a significant other, that's who they should go on vacation with. Not an ex or any other woman. It's inappropriate on so many levels. I had the same thing happen to me, but I didnt stick around long enough to find out the results. i just felt these two selfish people deserved each other

[donnyblue]

Lose the loser.

He’s a pathetic, narcissistic, manipulative, lying coward – unless he’s willing to admit his confusion, and with you, seek professional counseling to address his fears, fire his ass. Let it be some other girl’s problem.

[Mira]

you know like...
"Getting fooled once, shame on you.... getting fooled twice, shame on me!"
If you accept his bull, you became the donkey!

SO! Do you even need to ask?
Just think a bit?
The circumstance is very obvious!

[JDylan in Philly]

Hey Mira: I think it goes some thing like this. "If you fooled me once, shame on you. And, if you fooled me twice, shame on me!"

Cheers, ;-)

[Mira]

I think you are right Dylan... lol!