Love Me, Pick Me, Choose Me

Name: Girl whith a question | | Location: New York , NJ  |Question: We dated for about 10 months and  then it ended. He told me he couldn't be in a relationship because of his kids. I broke up with him and then a month later is was dating someone new. I asked him WTF? and this was the response. (see below) Oh he sent me a message the night before will you be around to talk I said I would be home in am hour and he never called.

HE SAID:

I know that you will think this is shallow.  I did want to talk to you last night and honestly fell asleep.  I did care about you and our relationship and still care about you.  I am trying to make a friendship work and can see your perspective that it might not be the case and may not want that between us.
Well here is the "conversation" that I wanted to have with you.  I am sorry for how things ended between us.  During the last several months that we were together, I was in a tail-spin.  There were a lot of reasons for it.  A good chunk of it was because I was depressed and drinking/smoking too much thinking that that would make things feel better.    The bottom line was that it didn't.  The only thing it did was affect my outlook on things.  It affected my relationship with you and my relationship with my kids.  I am an insecure person and always have been.  My divorce and some of the circumstances involved had been laying dormant in my mind and I had been pushing it off in dealing with certain things.  I am trying to do that now.  I always had let my ex control how things went and that continued post divorce and I was depressed about letting it happen.  The long and short of it was that it affected my relationship with you as I would not let you get close to me.  I did value our relationship but I knew that I could never give you what you deserved and what you wanted out of a relationship so I kept pushing you away.   I regret that I was not open to you about what was going on in my head because you deserved and do deserve an explanation as to what I was thinking about.  I can't turn back the clock and try and make things right between us.  You tried to make it work and I didn't because I couldn't be honest with myself and with you.  In the back of my mind there were too many things holding me back.  I know you feel that I moved on quickly or appeared to not care about what went on between us.  That is not the case.  I still care about you and hope that you will find someone that can give you what you deserve and what you are looking for.  I am sorry I was not that person for you. 

Believeable or not? I say NO!!! |Age: 29

I totally believe it. Why? Because most men typically aren't this self-aware and willing to be accountable. It's so atypical that it's believable to me that this guy finally regained some control and clarity in his life. You don't want to believe it because he didn't choose you. You're trying to find fault with him because he didn't choose you. This guy is pouring his heart out and really being accountable for how he handled things with you. This is a every woman's wet dream of an apology. I understand why you feel slighted and why you feel hurt but you've got to let this guy off the hook now. He screwed up and he's apologizing for it. Don't let your anger and bruised ego prevent you from being a mature adult and accepting his apology and moving on. It's okay to be hurt. But don't let your hurt and pain blind you to what this guy is really doing. He's acknowledging you and your feelings. That means that you are an important person to him. that you matter. Look at it from that angle. He could have totally blown you off and done what a lot of men do and just ignored you.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Rock]

In general, i think he took the cowards way out by using his kids as an excuse, i think he just didn't want to be with you. I mean, suddenly he's all healthy and ready to get on someone else? Right.

[hb]

If that's not closure, then I don't know what is closure. Get angry, then try your best to move on.

[karen]

The guy is really reaching out to her. He genuinely sounds like he does care about her and he is having some issues and problems in his life. If she really cared AT ALL about him she would quit making this all about her and reach out to him. Sometimes you have to put aside your own hurt feelings for a moment and reach out to the person who is truly distressed. I did read that in his reply to her. She is too caught up in her own emotions that she cannot see past her nose.

This is where she can develop loyalty and trust with him. He took alot of time to respond to her and explain himself the best that he could. It doesnt sound like he is leading her on. He sounds like he truly is being as honest as he can about what he is going through. Maybe he's not ready for the relationship she wants and needs in her life. Timing is everything. Just because it cannot work now does not mean it cant down the road.

[Scout]

This seems reasonable. People generally have a lot of issues to work out after divorcing. It was nice of him to respond. Now move on.

[saidy]

he should have said it face to face and not in email. saying im sorry in email is cowardly.

Moxie this is the absolute best advice you have ever given. He gave a heartfelt apology which the majority of men never do. You have said it here many times PEOPLE change their mind sometimes for reasons even they do not understand - one day they love you and the next not so much - but this guy knew that he hurt her and wanted to apologize for his actions. I say he is a standup guy. Today EMAIL is a completely accepted form of communication in business or personally. I honestly believe he must have cared for this girl deeply to sit down and actually apologize. There are many women out here who have been hurt in their lives by men and how many men have sent such a heartfelt apology to them - I am guessing not too many. the girl should feel very touched that indeed even though it did not work out I believe he cared for you deeply. This is hard for people to understand but often times when someone knows they have not treated someone as they should have it is easier for them to go and start with someone new then to know each and every day the person they are with they didn't treat very good in the past. I believe he wanted to give you the closure men hear so much about that some women desperately need. I would thank him and wish him the best. Remember Karma does exist in this world in which we live in and treating people with compassion is the best way to live your life and I have found not always but a lot of times by treating people right in this world many times you are treated right in return. Again not always but better to be compassionate and accept his apology and wish him the best. Life has a funny way of circling back sometimes and people often wish they had done things differently when it does circle back.

[chameleon1218]

Email or not, this man did what very few people period do when they've hurt/slighted another and that is own up to the wrong doing AND sincerely apologize for their actions. The fact that he cared enough to take the time to do this speaks volumes. There are countless women/men who would give their right eyeball for this kind of closure.

This guy clearly 'gets it' - wish more did.

Be thankful and move happily on.

[Tasha]

Moxie great advice! Admitting your flaws is not easy to do. The fact that this guy was willing to open up and express a sincere apology should count for something. Be grateful that you now have closure and move on. Learn from this experience. But most importantly, take some time to work on yourself and attracting a healthy relationship.

[Kegs]

Great answer, Moxie, really nicely written. And Saidy? An answer like that makes you just sound high maintenance. He wrote a lengthy email pouring his heart out, not just a 'brush off' email. Sometimes putting things into writing is better, you can think about what you want to get across and say it well without emotions leading into some argument, or tears, or whatever. This guy couldn't have said what he did half as clearly in person, I'm sure. What a lovely email this guy wrote. Be nice back to him.

[DrivingMeNutes]

Huh? Is everyone on a different planet today?

"I am an insecure person and always have been. My divorce and some of the circumstances involved had been laying dormant in my mind and I had been pushing it off in dealing with certain things."

"I could never give you what you deserved and what you wanted out of a relationship so I kept pushing you away."

WTF? I'd rather be blown off without explanation than hear lines and lines of this BS.
That's the vaguest bunch of crap I've ever heard.

Seriously, Moxie, is this part of your thing about being too mean? In my opinion, he broke up with this one because he met the next one. He happens to have kids, divorce, drinking and smoking (??) and "certain issues" as an excuse -- if he didn't, he'd find other ones.

[Crotch Rocket]

"he should have said it face to face and not in email." Good grief. Why can't you be happy he said anything at all? Do you not realize how rare it is, as Moxie said, for a guy to come out with something like this? He probably spent _hours_ figuring out what was going on in his head and how to say it; you don't get to do that in person. Also, I've tried giving explanations like this in person before and got about two sentences in before the woman started _arguing_ with me about how _I_ felt; I sense that this writer would have done the same. This way, he got to say his peace without interruption and give them both closure.

I totally buy what he's saying; it makes perfect sense in Guyland. Just because he's not the right guy for her (or vice versa) doesn't mean the next person won't be, even someone he meets the next week. She may be looking for something totally different than what you are, or have a better understanding of his issues -- or be just as screwed up as he is and thus more compatible. You can't look at how long it takes someone to move on and use that number to judge why they broke up with you; he might have not found that better match for years, but that wouldn't change the issues that caused the break-up.

[KineticForce]

Boy, did writing that letter take balls! Girl with a question, he must have really had a connection with you to even take the time to let you down gracefully. Considering the situation, most guys would have just walked off with an excuse of 'It just doesn't matter'. You must be very special to him that he took the time to do that. :-)

Moxie is right. Knowing what you want from him, this is an apology for letting you down and being able to wholeheartedly commit. He just, or can't for some reason, continue along the same path. Not ready? Afraid? The need to fix or get to know himself? Correct mistakes or failing from the divorce? Who knows...

If it is possible, what I do knows is that the best you can do is maintain a plutonic friendship and search for someone else.

A face to face? Nope, it would have been just too painful to deliver such bad news and then watch the tears flow.

GL,

[Diana]

Hmm. I guess I don't get it. If he wasn't ready, how is he ready a month later with a new girl. If she really mattered all that much, he would have come back around to her.

A new girl, a month later... that doesn't seem like he worked out his issues or anything. I am confused. I don't get how guys think.

[Danny]

Sweet b.s.

That's what my gut tells me.... he dressed it all so well with words... No, he didn't want to hurt you... he just wanted out. First he handed out the tissues with the "I am an..." took a few shots at himself... more tissues... but than, he rallied to put your feelings before his own... and in the end, he justified... rather nicely, that he just wanted to say goodbye and all the best....

Danny

[Diana]

See what danny wrote, is what I think.

I mean sometimes a guy needs to lose it to know what he had. But if he was treating you like crap and then "wasn't ready" and a month later is ready to treat another girl well.

It wasn't him. It was you and how he felt like treating you.

[karen]

She doesnt say what the nature of his relationship is with the new girl he is seeing. If he truly has issues it wont work with the next girl either. Maybe he saw he could not offer what she was deserving of. He may not be ready for that yet in his life until he gets himself together. Maybe the new girl is a better match for him or will give him only what he is needing. Just accept at face value what he said and move on. As Moxie headlines.. PICK ME CHOOSE ME.. does not work.

[Donna]

Diana,

Well said. This guy is just blowing her off. In a nice way, yes, but a blow off none the less. Move on, Girlfriend. He doesn't deserve you.

[Crotch Rocket]

"he was treating you like crap and then 'wasn't ready' and a month later is ready to treat another girl well" Who's to say the new girl wanted the same thing as the writer? Perhaps she wants something less serious, or is willing to wait longer/move slower. Or perhaps he's just going to do the same to her too in time because he hasn't resolved his issues. Or perhaps he's wrong about his issues and the issues will resolve themselves because the new girl is The One. You just never know, and it's pointless to try to figure it out.

We're all different people. Sometimes the other person just isn't into you, no matter how much you're into them. It takes two to make a couple, and if things don't work out it's best to part on good terms, wish the other luck, and use that good attitude to attract the next candidate. If you get bitchy about the break-up or how the other person moved on sooner, it's going to be that much harder for you to move on and find someone new yourself. Learn what you can from an experience and then let it go. It's over, and nothing positive comes from obsessing about past failures -- or inventing failures where there wasn't one, just an unfortunate mismatch or timing.

[karen]

CR, btw-- I liked what you said how you have tried to talk to women and explain what your thoughts and feelings are. Only to met met with argument about what you are thinking and feelings. ROFLMAO. I hate to laugh about that but if we could watch ourselves as if it was a movie it would really be ridicolous wouldnt it?

[Danny]

Rocket.... you nailed it, it is pointless, except for an exercise in everybody playing drive-up window shrink. Your so right on relationship... grow from each experience, start as friends... if a realtionship evolves, enjoy it, care for it, and need be, end as friends or a wiser person... enjoy the journey.

[Mira]

Really had nothing to add to this post but just couldn't help myself.... Moxie's addictive posts. ;)

I totally dig this line:
"This is a every woman's wet dream of an apology."

You nailed it Moxie!

[isabella]

i think he was just not that into Girl. If he wrote the letter and decided to take some time to work through his issues, I'd believe him. But the fact that he just moved on...i'm skeptical.

[JDylan in Philly]

The Guys' Rules: At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!

14. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. ALL men see in onl y 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but It i s just not worth the hassle.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

23. You have enough clothes.

24. You have too many shoes.

25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

26. Thank you for rea ding this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[saidy]

i stand by my original comment - if he really cared, and he really was sincere, not only would he have not moved on so quickly but he would have had the courage to tell her IN PERSON. regardless of the tears or how painful it was. if someone respects you, they will say what they need to say to your face. a real man who actually gives a fuck would say it to your face. period. im not saying that what he wrote wasnt great. it was. but sending it in email was a copout and cowardly. but maybe i just have higher expectations. oh, and my lover read the comments and agreed with kegs: he thinks i am indeed high maintenance. but im totally fine with that. not only do i want the best, but i expect it and choose not to SETTLE for less. fear is for pussy ass bitches. sue me.

[amen]

I used to analyze things like this but don't anymore. To summarize.. it's over! No matter what the reason be it real or fake, it's over!

Move on with your life. Feel the pain of the breakup or get angry but move on. There's logic to this at all. It just is.

Though I sound like an angry bitch most of the time now, I accept reality. Doing that makes my life much easier.

[paris]

this is the it's not you but me break up line, but in email form.

[DrivingMeNutes]

Paris, I completely agree. I still can't figure out why people seem to be impressed with the content of the email. It doesn't say anything of substance.

[Been There, Beat That]

IF you absolutely can't resist the urge to respond to this charming loser who drinks too much, smokes too much, let's his partner control him, shortchanges his children, and can't make up his mind or commit... you might just email him: "Thanks for your sweet note. Yes, I've moved on and I'm glad you have too. I wish you all the best." Then, do EVERYTHING in your power to forget about him. Be GLAD you're over the hump and putting your pain behind you, and the new girl is just starting to get ready for hers.

Perhaps you can think of all your past relationships as "dress rehearsals" for what lies ahead, equipping you to be a better person in every way. Think of him as "target practice" for the next, more worthwhile relationship. You go, girl!