Rule #1: Relax And He Will Come

Name: kiddo |  Location: S. FL , FL |Question: I am 37, divorced, live in Miami and have been dating for about 4 years. I am attractive, educated, funny as hell, down to earth. I have run out of ideas for meeting men in my city.  I am doing online dating...every site out there.  I go to speed dating events and lock and key events.  I talk to strangers...in elevators, at the mall, in the car at a red light, on the train...I am very outgoing and socialble.  I always make eye contact, smile and say hello.  I am never home.  I go out of my way to shop at specific stores in specific neighborhoods that have more singles.  I NEVER turn down an invitation to a party, get together, event.  I am part of every meetup group in my city.  I get everywhere 30 minutes early and make myself visible.  I tell everyone I meet and know that I am single and searching.  I go to bookstores, cafes, music stores, hardware stores, all the places they say the men are.  I go to sporting events..even if I dont like the sport. I wear or carry conversation starters...a t-shirt with something funny or a pin or a book.  I always read in public places in stead of at home.  I dont really like bars or clubs but lately i also go there. I go to jazz lounges, jazz festivals, music concerts. I go to happy hours.  If I do meet a guy and it doesnt work out I always tell him that if he has any male friends he thinks I would like to please introduce me....networking. I volunteer at hospitals, non profits, fundraiser galas, museums, marathons/bikeathons.  I'm going broke doing all these things just to meet someone! I have girlfriends who never leave the house and so never meet anyone.  But that is not my case.  Any one have any other ideas!!!! |Age: 37

Slow down, Ponyboy. You're problem is that you're trying too hard. You're also taking the attitude that you're somehow owed a relationship. When you have to come up with schemes and plans in order to meet a guy, then that's a sign that you're working at it too much. Stop for a moment and just be. Be by yourself. Do things for you, not to meet a man. Learn how to function and exist without one. And, what ever you do, do not ask a man that you've gone out with to introduce you to any of his single friends. It reeks of desperation.

You're approaching the whole thing like it's a project and totally taking the fun out of being out there and socializing. You're looking at your friends and thinking that you don't want to be them. But you don't seme to be considering that maybe they're pleased as punch to be single. Maybe your friends aren't as anxious to meet someone as you are and that's why they don't go out. You sound like you hate being alone and that's not a good sign. It's an indication, to me, that you're looking for a man because you don't think you can be happy without out one or that you're supposed to have one. You're also acting as though you don't believe that you will find someone. Change your thinking and you can change your life.

Here's a neat little story. I ALWAYS lose my bluetooth headset. Like..ALWAYS. And every single time I do I tear my apartment apartment looking for it. I pull my bed out, I move my couch away from the wall, I roll up the rugs. I can hear the beep, beep, beep of my headset calling out to me, begging me to find it. Except, everytime I move something else, that beep gets farther away. Know why? Because, in my desperate search, I end up jostling it around and kicking it to a remote corner of my apartment or under another piece of furniture. And the thing is....I don't really need my headset. I mean, I prefer to have my blue tooth but can speak on my cell just as easily without it. But I'm so set on having that bluetooth because, in those moments of searching, I've told myself all the reasons why I need it and can't exist without it. Know when I find it? I find it three days later, after I've calmed down from my hysteria. And I always find it when I'm not even looking for it. Maybe I'm vacuuming or I'm putting clothes away or filing papers. See, when I learn to go with out it, it appears. My anxiety over not having it prevented me from being calm and rational and slow. I panicked. There's no panicing in dating, Ponyboy. Remember that. Panic = settling. Panic = attracting the wrong people.

Your Mr. Right is like my bluetooth. Having it sure makes things easier and it's a fun thing to have around but if you don't know how to use your phone without it, you're screwed. And not in a  good way. See where I'm going with that cute lil' analogy?

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[amen]

I hate to say this but you give off desperation,you're doing things which you don't enjoy just to meet someone,you're asking guys who you went on dates with if they know anyone who may be interested in you etc....

I don't know what vibes you give on when you're on dates but if it sounds anything like the things you do just to meet someone, you may be scaring guys off.

[lola]

Moxie is right. You are trying way too hard. Mr. Right isn't a prize to be awarded after a competition. I also did everything I could think of to meet a guy--even went to a matchmaker. I've never been one of those girls who was always in a relationship or who always had a boyfriend. What seemed to come so easily for some was sooo hard for me to accomplish. I spent many a night ranting and crying to whomever that would listen--what's wrong with me??? It took me a long time--years--but I finally met a guy through unusual (non-datelike) circumstances and am in love for the first time in a long time. So you have to believe that it will happen when it's meant to happen. Until then you can do all that you've been doing but take a night off once in a while and enjoy being alone and doing things for you. Because it's not going to happen any faster just because you're trying hard enough. Also, for awhile after I was in the relationship I was thinking is this all there is? It's not because he wasn't the right guy but I was expecting my life to change because I finally met Mr. Right. No, I'm the same woman I was before that's why you have to enjoy being alone and happy with the person you are.

[slightly broken]

You waste humongous amounts of time in all these things which you only do to meet someone, so you don't even really enjoy them. You sound annoying as hell, trying so hard... If I were a guy I'd run away from you as fast as possible and warn all the guys I encountered on the way. You want A guy, any guy, as long as it has a penis, it will do. You're the woman I never want to be. Your crazy pursuit is exactly the reason why you are alone, and you'll stay that way unless you stop to live your life and realize there's more to it then 'getting' a man.

[flighty]

Haha. Moxie's rule #1 is very true during sex as well.

Good advice though. Seriously chill out and calm the fuck down. I don't want to be mean because your heart is in the right place, it's just you're head isn't. Yes you should absolutely do SOME of the things you are doing because meeting people is partly a numbers game. Its also great that you are going outside your comfort zone, but it seems like you're looking for just about any man. You've got to really know what you want before you can find it.

It's a delicate balance between being open to new people and closing yourself off from the wrong people. Right now your closing mechanism isn't even functioning and it clearly appears to everyone that you're trying way too hard.

Take a deep breath. Relax. And don't just talk to the men, flirt, baby flirt.

[Rock]

Wow! You're just overeager and they might pickup on that. Slow down, i imagine that it's a whirlwind inside of your head.

[VJ]

I think Kiddo is doing exactly what everyone says someone should be doing when looking for a suitable guy. Yes, she should possibly relax a bit and enjoy herself more. That will show in your manner & face too. Everyone is more attracted to happy people, it's true. So a bit more of a relaxed approach might be suggested. But the things you are doing now are all things that have been & often are suggested to anyone seeking to better their odds of meeting someone special. They are all good strategies, and I doubt they would scare many people, unless you divulge the extent of your 'hunting'. There's nothing wrong in this, you know what you want, and you're planning logically on going about trying to secure your desired outcome. I'd say ratchet back on some of the things you enjoy the least or which are costing you the most. Keep those things which you enjoy more, and are less draining on your bank balance & stamina. That way you can put more effort into those few areas you truly enjoy and can possibly make more of a difference.

And never forget, the most attractive women out there at any age are the happiest looking ones. Enjoy yourself more, and people will be attracted to you. (And I think you already know this). It's not a job, it's an adventure!

Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[Steve from the city next door]

As VJ says, these are all things that are suggested. I would guess the difficulty is that kiddo is trying to all of them. Frankly, she sounds to busy to meet anyone. I suspect the search is sucking the life out of kiddo.

Of course, most people do have to do something. I know no one who their partner while just going about life.... that strategy seems to only work well in the movies.

At this time, it sounds like some major relaxing is in order...perhaps even some time off from the dating world.

[A Tree in the Forest]

The two thoughts that came to mind as I read Kiddo's story are either 1.) she has her standards set so high that she is rejecting 99% of the advances coming her way (e.g. discounting them as not meeting any men because they come from men she doesn't want to date), or 2.) she has physical characteristics (too tall, overweight, ugly, etc.) that deter men from being attracted to her, even though she considers herself to be attractive. Nonetheless, her positive self-esteem is good. I've yet to meet an attractive woman through on-line dating that hasn't had numerous responses to her profile on a daily/weekly basis, and I can't imagine Kiddo hasn't been asked out numerous times as a result of her ploys at so many varied venues. Therefore, the only thing I can conclude is that she isn't as "all that" as she thinks, or only George Clooney will do.

[Pepper]

I always seem to meet men when I am not aggressively looking to meet men. I went one of Moxie's meetups a few weeks ago and had a fun time just chatting with my college buddy. The men must have sensed something since quite a few approached me. One ended up taking me to dinner. I also meet men when I am hanging out with a coed group of friends or just having dinner alone at the bar of my local restaurant. The key is to relax, be casual, smile and they will come.

[swf42]

Kiddo, I just have to ask. . . when do you make time for *you*? When is your wind-down/relax/do nothing time? When do you settle and recharge your inner batteries?

When are you just....you?

[Deb]

I was exhausted after reading this post. She is trying to hard to meet someone instead of focusing on herself. The old adage is true, as Moxie illustrated with the bluetooth story, "You find someone when you least expect it."
This means do the things YOU want to do and you will be yourself. Then, meeting someone will come.
I have met my significant others when I went out at the last minute, or decided to just pop in somewhere with a friend. I was just going with the flow, relaxing...not expecting anything other than to get a quick drink.

[amy]

This post sounds like a friend of mine. She too always has to be out trying to find a man. I am going to tell you what I tell her, enjoy your singleness. Relationships aren't always rosey. When u show that u r having fun just being you then eventually u will find mr right. Don't go looking 4 love, let it find you. Also don't jump into anything too fast.

[KSR]

I agree Kiddo needs to slow down and scale back her approach. Based on her writeup, it sounds like her actions may be too over-the-top and are unintentionally scaring men away.

If she is talking to strangers everywhere she goes, she may be coming across as odd. If she's on every online site, guys who use more than one or who try different ones over a period of a year or so will see her everywhere and immediately rule her out. If she's the first to arrive at every singles event, guys who go to more than one will seek to speak to other women. In short, she's unnecessarily over-exposing herself.

Kiddo, pick some activities you enjoy and do them. Go to events that you'd enjoy attending even if they weren't for unattached singles. Go to an event, but maybe arrive a little late because after all, you have other things going on in your life that you need to fit in. Like socializing with friends, or seeing an art exhibit.

Stay in sometimes and recharge your battery. Pat yourself on the back because you are putting yourself out there, and since dating is largely a numbers game, you know sooner or later, you'll meet him.

[Kiddo]

Thanks everyone for your comments. However I only agree with one or two. For some reason eveyone interpreted my post as a complaint. First of all, I dont dislike any of the things I do. I only said I go to sporting events even if I dont like THE sport...I didnt say I dont like sports. I do like SOME sports. Just not ALL of them. But I would/do go to the ones I may not necessarily enjoy. But other than that...I absolutely LOVE the other things I do. I have a blast everywhere I go. Second, I dont do all these things in one week! If you read my first sentence it says I've been divorced for 4 years. I've done these things over the years, not in one night!! And I certainly know how to be alone and enjoy my own company and have enough down time. But I want to have a family and dont have years and years to wait around for the right guy to just "fall into my lap". I take a more proactive approach. I DO NOT want just any guy as one poster said. I precisely want the OPPOSITE! I want a special guy who is right for me. And so I need to be as varied and diverse in my approach as possbile. I will not settle! My question to the viewers was not "am I doing to much or am I desparate"? I by no means am desparate...i have turned down many a man because we were not compatible. My question is DO YOU HAVE ANY FRESH IDEAS on how to meet other people/men as to increase my chances of meeting the right man for me. Anyone with any sense and who has been single for a long time knows that the more people you meet and the more you network, the more options and opportunities you have. It's not about being DESPARATE. It's about being an active participant in my own life!!!

[psychedelikat]

Are you for real? Damn, your email wore me out! You reek of desperation. Moxie is totally right on this one. Slow down, stay home every now and then and learn to BE ALONE. You talk to men at stop lights???? You ask men you date to hook you up with their friends???? Holy cow, that's ballsy. And desperate. Maybe you see yourself as sociable and outgoing, but the tone of your message is pure "OMG! I need a man to be happy!"

Why the rush? Be more California-ish...relax, kick back, and do only things that you really want to do. Take a long hot bath with a glass of wine when you're home. Watch a movie alone and eat popcorn and hot chocolate. Enjoy the silence of your home while you're padding around in your socks or slippers. Re-acquaint yourself with your.....self. Read at home more. Spend more time with your friends who stay home more often.

I mean, after all these events you attend, you're saying you haven't yet found anyone suitable to date more than a few times? Sounds like you may have unrealistic goals or standards. Take time to make friends with the guys, stop rushing to get a man, any man, and just learn to live by yourself. Trust me. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely.

[slightly broken]

Ok, kiddo, you're funny. You're the kind of person who asks for advice but doesn't take it when they don't get want they want to hear. Why ask then? Everyone here is telling you you're acting crazy and that you need to stop and look at yourself, at how you're doing things as this is obviously not working for you, and what do you do? You reply saying basically everyone's wrong and all you want is MORE ideas on how to meet guys... ('m banging my head against the wall here, but whatever), you want more ideas? Here's a 'fresh' one: you should go to funerals and hook up with the newly widowed men.

[Scotty Q]

Kiddo,
Seriously, only 3 words for you still even after your comments:
"Get A life".

[Mira]

Sounds like a wannabe "Miss Perfect Jesus" trying to find her "Mr. Perfect Christ".
I'll supply some hope for you... start going back to your church, join your sister-hood or even priest-hood and get wed to God (he's your perfect man).

News for you, we are all born non-perfect and that means YOU too!

So,
why even divorce in the first place if kids and not being single is your main ideals?

You would have tolerated your ex-husband (even if he cheats) to stay married... such is love and may even suggest to join him in a threesome.
With a divorce, means you either cannot tolerate that person anymore and needs to be "unmarried"
or you are just plain "unlivable" (ugly, fat, personality flaw, got spending problems etc) so he chooses to divorce you.
Of course with you painting yourself to be so desirable, that cannot be it.

Or, maybe he abused you? If he did, you will not be out "looking" that desperately before or even after 4 years or more...
why put yourself out there to get beat again is what most abused person would think; they would need some real convincing from that opposite sex before getting hitch again unlike you.

Then, maybe your husband is less than perfect???
I wonder?
Didn't you realize that even if you find your so-called Mr. Perfect... which you already did once (you were married) you may still end up being single and this time with kids to boot?
BTW, getting with child is no-way to keep a man and you should know that.

What is your own truth?
Maybe some soul searching is good for you, NOT men.

[Kegs]

Kiddo, if you aren't going to listen to anyones advice, then be more careful about what you write. Because making statements like 'I go to sporting events..even if I dont like the sport', or 'I dont really like bars or clubs but lately i also go there' or even 'I'm going broke doing all these things just to meet someone!' are strong implications that you are indeed doing this not because you are having fun, but because you want to meet someone. You said it in your own words!

Your comeback just makes you sound even more desparate and high maintenance/high standards/unrealistic expectations etc. You don't need any more ideas of what to do after rattling off that list - even if it was over the space of 4 years, volunteering at 'hospitals, non profits, fundraiser galas, museums, marathons/bikeathons' alone is no easy task - where on earth do you get the time for all that? Volunteering should be about commitment and dedication and passion, not moving from one to another to find a man.

And that is what people are saying. That you need to look at YOU, not where else you can add to a mile long list of potential places to meet someone - it doesn't sound like that will make a difference if you don't change something about yourself. If you are all the things you say you are, I just don't believe you could not find anyone in that time.

[DrivingMeNutes]

Kiddo, I think you should follow Mira's advice. Seems sensible.

[jaded]

Here is some advice more along the lines of what you may be looking for...

Thinking back to my own relationships and my friends' relationships, many of us found men through sporting leagues, work functions, charity groups etc. They key was, the reason we were part of those groups was because we actually LIKED the activities we were part of and, our relationships all started at least a few months or years into being part of said groups after some friendship bonds had been made. At that point romantic relationships just seemed to happen organically.

From you letter it sounds like you are bouncing around from charity event to sporting event to bar with no regard to whether you like said events and you're not giving time for friendships and non romantic relationships to blossom. Pick a few main activities that you LIKE to do. Stick with them, regardless of the man scene there.

[Kiddo]

Well thank you jaded. Finally someone "got it". Or at least she got part of it right. Unfortunately email/typing as oppose to actually speaking lends itself to misinterpretation or misreading what a person writes. But she seems to be the only one on here that didnt jump to the opportunity to bash someone. Someone said that if I;m not going to listen to anyone's advise then be careful what I write. Well the reason that I wouldnt listen to anyone's advise on here is because no one answered the question. Everyone took the opportunity to call me all kinds of unkind things without knowing me. And as far as looking for a perfect guy. The last two men that I dated and cared very much for were broke, one was going thru bankruptcy(and I emotionally supported him thru that whole ordeal), one drove a car that was 3 different colors, the other drove a truck that had holes all over it. One lived in a 50 year old rotting boat. And the other lived in a house that was in such disrepair that I wouldnt let my dog live in it! And you know what, I totaly adored both of those guys because they were good men and had the inner qualities that I look for in a mate. We just had different goals and dreams. So we didnt continue a romantic relationship. But we remain good friends to this day. So, so much for looking for the perfect guy huh?

[nash]

I second Jaded's comment. Pick a couple hobbies you like with a decent guy:girl ratio and stick with them. It took me eight weeks before I found the cajones to ask a girl out from my martial arts class despite having great chemistry with the woman from the start. I wasn't the only guy interested in her. I was just the first to man up.

Also, many guys don't realize a woman is flirting until after the interaction. Then they spend the rest of the day kicking themselves. So be a bit persistant in your flirting and maybe risk putting yourself on the line by being the first to risk rejection. Some guys just need the woman to get the ball rolling before they will run with it. I was like that at one time, until I discovered that taking charge of my love life was more fun for me and created many more opportunities than my old approach.

[rrr]

You know what?

Sometimes it's not about people feeling they're "owed" a relationship.

Sometimes it's just that people, especially WOMEN, don't like getting the SHIT beat out of them by the larger society for being 30+ -- especially if they were taking time to develop their careers so that they wouldn't HAVE to depend on being in a relationship for survival -- and still single.

[NoFalsePretense]

"I am 37, divorced, live in Miami and have been dating for about 4 years. I am attractive, educated, funny as hell, down to earth."
I agree with most of the posters here. There is a saying that every woman has a small legion of men working on her case.
You seem to have an inflated image of yourself, are too eager, and are probably rejecting guys on your level.
You don't need a man, you need some time off the market.