Take It Easy

First, I need some questions for this here column. I've got a ton in the que, but I'm hoping to cover some new ground instead of posting questions about the same topics over and over again. So submit your question here: http://www.moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

For those of you in NYC, I hope you'll join us for our Free Moxie Member Happy Hour this Saturday, Dec 1 at 3pm. RSVP here: http://socialnetwork.meetup.com/616/calendar/6496876/

Had a funny e-mail forwarded to me this weekend. Long story short, a friend invited me to a party, I accepted. Another person RSVPd who happens to be someone I don't like. My friend replied to her, apologized and told her that she wasn't able to attend the party. She explained that I was going to be there and that she knows there is bad blood and that would affect the vibe of the party for her (the host.) Well, this woman decided to take the nasty route and insult my friend by calling her spineless and said she was "easily manioplated" by me and that I was obviously "threatened by her" and that I'm a "prima donna." Oh, then she signed off with a "I don't want to go to your party anyway. But I'll have some fun with this information." And, as we all know, she wrote this with the intention of the e-mail being forwarded to me.

It's another example of how people resort to the "oh, they're threatened by me" route because it makes them feel important. No, dear, I am not threatened by you. I just don't like you. In general, I hate lazy people. And, to be even more clear.....you can bet that the last person in the world I want to end up like is you. It's because of you that I had a moment of clarity last week and decided that I didn't want to be 47 years old, single and running speeddating events in order to make my nut every month. At almost 50 years old you're writing veiled, lame threats to people because you were asked to not attend a party. Is your ego so fragile that you would resort to making threats to someone who's never done anything to you or to anyone (my friend) because you couldn't go to a party? You're so sure that it's because I asked her to un-invite you. It couldn't possibly be that you've gotten yourself the reputation of poaching and copying. No. It's not like the evidence isn't on your website for all to see. We're all just threatened by you. Know who tells themselves that? People who don't feel important at all. You're creating drama for yourself and antagonizing me so that you can get a reaction and then whine and complain and play the victim. You need the drama to feel important because there's nothing else going on in your life to get you off. Your life is just that miserable and empty that you have threaten to gossip about my friend in an attempt to bully her into inviting you. Seriously. You're almost 50. Grow up.

I stooped to playing your game for awhile. Now I'm done. Because to engage you means I become you. So, have fun with the blow job classes. Think it will make you more attractive to men? You know, running a company that offers blow job classes? Yeah. Think again. Have fun gossipping like a bitchy schoolgirl who lost for class president. Know, right now, that nobody - least of all me - wants to end up being you. But I should thank you for showing me how close I came. I don't want to be 47 years old and relying on speeddating events to pay my rent. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be writing bitchy e-mails to people making threats. It's like I've been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. I could see myself hunched over a computer and writing an insult laced e-mail to some stranger, then getting on the phone and cackling with people equally miserable, all the while ignoring the harsh reality that is my life. Alone, angry, insecure, competitive, hustling to make money.

I don't want to be that.

I've had several conversations with friends over the holiday and come to many decisions. Time for me to stop putting Moxie first and Christan second. If I don't, then I am going to become exactly what I hate. It can not be a coincidence that every person I know that runs these events and businesses is single. It can't be. There's got to be a reason for it. Why are we alone? Why are some of us hustling to make ends meet? Why do we need so much attention and validation and approval? Why do we do what we do? And is it worth it if, at the end of the day, we come home alone?

I don't want that for me nor do I want that for people who attend our workshops or events. And I realize that who I am is who I attract - sexually, romantically, professionally, socially. It's all gotta start with me. Changes are a'coming, people. 2008 is about Simplicity.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[DrivingMeNutes]

In my opinion, Moxie, you are not single because you write a blog and run singles workshops. Not at all -- if anything that would make me more interested in you, not less. You have put the proverbial cart before the horse. I know this is cliche, but you are single because you want to be. Being in a relationship and/or marriage -- the kind you women think all your friends are in -- requires a great degree of blind faith -- faith to an ideal of an everlasting romantic relationship with a partner that will love you in spite of all your faults. Reading your blog, I can tell that you are very analytical and insightful. You know too much. It seems to me that, once you've gained a certain amount of knowledge about things and about the opposite sex, it is very hard to get back that "blind faith" you may have once had. In a way, you are single because you lack a certain amount of stupidity. You should be proud of that. And, it is also what makes you a good blogger and, quite likely, a good teacher. Not the reverse. Just my thought.

[psychedelikat]

I have a friend a lot like you, extremely self-critical, analytical, intelligent, blunt, and neurotic. Somehow, through all the mess that is her life, she found a man willing to put up with her and whom she was willing to put up with. They're married now, and as happy as two overly analytical and neurotic people can be. In other words, there's hope.

[DrivingMeNutes]

"They're married now, and as happy as two overly analytical and neurotic people can be. In other words, there's hope."

This is the type of myth that you ladies tell each other that I was talking about in my earlier post. You don't ever really know whether people are happy. People lie. They make themselves and their lives look better. Even your parents lied to you. The truth is all relationships -- even most friendships -- are mostly about settling for less than you want, not about blissful happiness.

[saidy]

YAY Christan!!!

this is *THE BEST* personal post you've written!! it takes a tremendous amount of courage for us to look at ourselves and our life and say, "I need to fix this about me," and then on top of it all to blog about it. i am super excited about your new beginnings in 2008! everything is going to fall right into place exactly how you want because you are re-prioritizing your expectations. great things will come. keep us posted!

[JMO]

when I first read this subject, originally posted as an anonymous letter from a reader, I thought "I suppose Moxies advice makes sense... no almost 50 year old woman should be responding so immaturely." But then I thought "maybe there's more too it"... and alas, there was.

1- If someone is concerned about having you at their party with a person you dislike, it says something about their perception of your capacity to navigate a social setting where there is a person you are not fond of without disrupting the overall vibe of the party.Do you really want to be thought of that way?
2- If the host was concerned about the possibility of both women replying, knowing it would cause conflict, she should have been more diligent about overseeing the "open invitation" web of rsvps that could occur.
3- If I rec'd a "you are uninvited" email to a party, regardless of how graciously it was written, I'd have been PO'd and think the host was a pathetic doormat- to say the very least. I can't imagine how, or if, I would reply, but that woman was made to feel like an "asshat" for simply and graciously replying to an invitation that she received, because someone else is too immature to be in the same room with her without causing friction?

This story is just pathetic all round. And regardless of who is the "wrong", the woman who was uninvited is the only one with adequate reason to feel pissed.
Just My Opinion.

[hb]

"And I realize that who I am is who I attract - sexually, romantically, professionally, socially. It's all gotta start with me. Changes are a'coming, people. 2008 is about Simplicity."

I love moments of clarity.

[ByDesign]

It's incredibly rude to invite someone to a party and then uninvite them just because someone else also RSVPs.

It's a party. At the most, Moxie and this other woman would *maybe* have to say hello and that would be it. I think we've all been at a social gathering with people we don't get along with and we're able to be civil. I had to do that on Thanskgiving when I was at a party with someone I have little respect for. The host knew I didn't like this certain person who was also invited, but they know I'm an adult and that I could handle being civil to them.

I'd be very concerned what the host's opinion of me whas if she didn't think I could handle being in the same room with someone I didn't like.

[Moxie]

"I suppose Moxies advice makes sense... no almost 50 year old woman should be responding so immaturely." But then I thought "maybe there's more too it"... and alas, there was. "

No, there's not. The details are still exactly the same. The reason why I wrote that post originally that way was because I knew people would hear that it's about me and find a way to find fault in me.

The event is not an open to the public event. It was posted on my friend's website without the venue. The woman RSVPd, my friend didn't know who she was based on the e-mail address but has met the woman before. When she realized who it was, knowing I had already committed to attending and only wanting positive energy at her event, she contacted this woman and asked her not to to come. My friend has her own reasons for not wanting her there that have nothing to do with me. There's a bit of an unwritten rule amongst organizers of events like these. We don' go to each other's events unless explicitly asked or unless we contact the organizer directly, explain the situation and then request an invite. Maybe if the woman in question didn't get herself a reputation of poaching from other people, my friend wouldn't have cared about having her attend. My friend is a strong person and doesn't tolerate petty bullshit. Trust me. She wouldn't uninvite her just because I didn't like her if she didn't have her own reasons for doing it.

I've uninvited people who have signed up for our events who are heads of competitive organizations. Especially if they have a reputation for soliciting their services at other people's events.

[Susan]

Why go to a party that one of your friends is having if she knows you'll probably be there and don't like her? Unless she's also friends with your friend then it sounds like she's just trying to be a pest and get in your face. At any age that's childish but at 40 it's pathetic.

[JMO]

hahaha- you just wrote that there was not more to the story, and then followed it up with a whole bunch of stuff that was "more to the story".

...just saying.
I'm not judging anyone here and obviously everyone has a right to only allow those they want at their events. Just saying, getting a "thanks for the rsvp, but please don't show up" is rude, regardless of the written and unwritten rules of your industry.

[ginger]

I'm still confused...

If the friend used you as an excuse, which it seems like she did from the original letter I can completely understand how the woman would think your friend was spineless and easily manipulated by you. But later you say the host has her own reasons to not like the woman and that is why she uninvited her.

Granted, I don't know the nuances of how these parties are run, or the relationship between the three of you, but it just seems rude and tacky to uninvite someone to a party, regardless of the reason or how the invite went out.

[Moxie]

I'll stop using the pronoun game because I think it's getting confusing.

J's company is having a holiday party. It is not a public party. I was invited and said yes. J. was also taking invite requests from people. J got a request from I (THE OTHER WOMAN.)

Because J is hoping to offer this kind of holiday party again in the future and is working with a specific vendor, she doesn't want I. there because she knows I. has ripped us off in the past and isn't going to give I. the chance to try and copy her. She didn't know who I. was when I. first asked for the party invite. It was only after she saw the business signature line in I.'s e-mail did she know who she was.

J and I are not friends. So why would I want to go to the party to begin with? Unless she was hoping to steal another person's idea, which she's done in the past.

Regardless...almost 50 and making threats to gossip and spread rumors? Please. It's one party. It's not like they were friends.

[VJ]

It would be slightly more funny if we were thinking of the 50 something woman as the 'Ghost of Christmas Future' and as looking a bit like Cruella Deville.

I want to be as positive as Saidy, but I know it's going to be a tough slog. No tougher perhaps than what's gone before, just more & different. But all in all it's probably a good development & realization. And people find this necessary to do all the time too. But I'll also make the brief that I think it does not have much to do with being single. Not having time, that might have more to do with it though! Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

Nobody even knows who I. is. She's trying to drum up trouble for herself so she'll get attention. She's a loser. Forget her.

[psychedelikat]

I was not making my friend's story into a happily ever after story. The truth is, she isn't a happy person by nature. I was trying to convey that yes there is hope to find someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life. A friend of mine once said that love is more or less how much of another person's bullshit you're willing to put up with. Not about the giddy feeling you have with them, or the sex, or the kisses and caresses, etc. It's how much of the bad stuff you're willing to accept.

I'm not saying that analogy is right or wrong, but of course, there's at least a grain of truth in it. After the rose colored glasses come off and you start to see them for who they truly are, well, is it worth it to stay? Some say yes, some say no. It's not about lowering standards or settling. It's about the committment you make and not forgetting what it was that made you love that person to begin with.

[Mami]

The hostess has no etiquette. I had to read the posting several times before I could believe someone could do something like that. It seems she must have wanted the drama to happen in the first place.