Torn Between Two Lovers

Name: CFG |  Location: Chicago , IL |Question: Okay Moxie,
As an avid reader of your advice colum, I decided it's time for me to get a little of that advice from you and your readers.  So here goes....
I'm appologizing in advance that this may be a little long, my situation is perplexing me.  I'm 32 y/o divorced/single dad, dating a 35 y/o divorced/single mom.  We met online, and have been on about 3 dates, but have seen each other about 5 times now. We have better conversations, chemistry, and mutual attraction than anyone either of us has met in a long time (we've talked about it).  Anyways, when we first started talking, I had been talking with a few other people online, and been on a handful of dates during the same time.  When we finally went out for the first time, I mentioned all of this to her. She seemed shocked to hear it, but didn't make a big deal about it.  I had been interested in another girl who lived closer to me at the same time we went out, but when I met her, I really got a great feeling.  She lives about an hour away, which would normally be a deal breaker with both of us, but for whatever reason we decided to break our normal mold to go out. 
So, last week after seeing each other for the forth time, and already planning on seeing her this past weekend, I mentioned to her that I wasn't dating or talking to anyone else, just so she knew.  Well, then she tells me that she is seeing someone else, though really only because she thought I had been too.  That was a big shock. I initially told her I didn't want to date someone who was dating someone else, but then I realized she was worth giving it a few more dates to have her decide who she wanted to date.  (I know, this is a total soap opera, and not what either of us have been through in the past)  When we went out last weekend it was great.  Things got intimate, not planned by either of us, but did.  She then saw the other guy a couple days later, and had hinted before hand that she was looking to end things, but didn't yet, b/c he's talking a good game it seems.  I'm going to see her tomorrow to just hang out, and then she'll see me this weekend overnight.  I know she isn't any closer now than a week ago in making a decision.  In fact she may be leaning twords him a little just because of the distance.  I guess what I'm hoping to get is a little advice on what to do here.  I really like her, more than anyone I've dated in a long time now, but the more I see her and talk to her, the harder its going to be if she decides to pick this other guy.  I've never been in this position before, I've never had to.  I know she hates the situation as much as I do, if not more, but it really sucks right now. I still feel like there's more to say, but this is already too long.  If you have any other questions just ask me.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.   |Age: 32

Here's my advice, and it's for the both of you. Shut. Up. Shut up shut up shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop telling each other everything you're doing when you're not together. She didn't need to know you were dating other women. And because you told her that she's now playing that stupid game, too. If she chooses the other guy because he lives closer, then that's a lame excuse and an indication that she wasn't into you to begin with. I don't have much more to say. Except zip it. Take care of you and pull back until she makes her choice. Detach a bit. If she chooses you then all is good. If she doesn't then you got a head start in getting over her.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[VJ]

Once Again solid advice from Mox. Not much more to add. Why is it that the 30's are the new teens? Where have all the adults gone? I know... Cheers, 'VJ'

[lola]

Moxie's right, stop telling each other everything, assume that women are dating other men until you have an exclusive thing going on. I think you should forget about the woman who told you that she's trying to choose between you and another guy. She's playing games and that's not right. I had a guy tell me after the 4th date that he was trying to decide between me and 3 other girls. Because of the internet, he was suddenly popular--a hot commodity. He was like a kid in a candy store. Needless to say, it didn't work out. Who wants to be told that you're in a competition. This isn't the Bachelor, this is real life. Good luck. Dating sucks...until you find the right person and then it's all bliss.

[Craig]

Dude, if this chick is banging you, but still seeing the other dude and can't decide between you, guess what? She's probably banging him too. I don't think this woman is struggling to decide. I think she's having fun playing both sides of the coin after just getting out of a serious relationship. Ordinarily I would concur with Moxie's advice to shut the hell up. But it's too late for that now, as you've already laid all your cards on the table. You're best bet is to pull the same crap a woman would: tell her you're not comfortable being intimate with someone who's being intimate with other people, so she's going to have to make a choice or stop having sex with you. I think after that little nugget, she'll make a decision pretty quick. It's the only way to avoid coming out of this looking like a chump in my opinion.

[Rock]

I reckon that if she wanted to see just you, she would, hell you've pretty much told her your blood type and all at this point and she's not biting. I say cool things off with her and date someone else.

eta: the whole dating someone else because she assumed you were too is a lame excuse.

[swf42]

As someone who doesn't date one guy exclusively, I have to disagree with the 'shut up' advice, to a point. I think it's important that you do make it clear from the beginning that you're not interested in dating exclusively. You don't have to go into details, but you do have to put that on the table from the start. Never just assume. Say it outright.

Then shut up. :-)

[xgamerx33]

Dude, she's playing you the way so many men play women. Hows it feel? Seriously, I've been in this girls situation before. I've done "the guy thing" as a woman. I was seeing three guys same time and having fun with all of them...after ending a serious relationship of 10 years. I wasnt looking for anything serious, just some good, ole' fashion sex and lots of it. I would have a date with one guy Fri nite, the see a guy Sat afternoon, then that nite the third guy. They didnt know about each other, eitehr. Does that make me a slut? I dunno, but I got over it after a few months and settled down and got serious with myself. thats when i was able to focus on finding a relationship guy. So my advice to you is drop her until she gets over this phase, if it is a phase. If you still want her a few months from now, great, but if not at least your not too attached now.

[EuroDikk]

Be straight and firm with her, otherwise she'll committ to you and still sleep with the other dude on the side. And who knows who else he's sleeping with?! If you shut up and detatch she'll think youre not interested or a wimp. Hang on to her, but be ready to let her go. There's always a chance she could committ to the other guy, burn out on him and get you back.

[CFG]

Hi everyone, I'm the original poster on this one. Thanks for all your advice, a lot of it makes great sense. A couple tid bits to add: we were intimate, once. We've since discusssed it and decided not to be again though, until after she figures this out. She's been more honest with me then I'd probably care for, so when she tells me she's not sleeping with the other guy, I do believe her. She's never dated more than one guy before like this, she's always been in single relationships at one time, so I don't think she's trying to play games with me, as much as just trying to figure out the best fit for her. (remember, she's a single parent, I'm a single parent, so you have to factor more than just ourselves in these type of decisions) Anways, not trying to defend her, just want to get you the facts, so you can see how things are. The advice is great though. I've already started backing off a bit, and we'll see what happens. But I do think there's nothing wrong with being upfront initially. Just played out bad, I guess. Thanks Mox.