Who has Time For This Drama?

Name: Christie |  Location: New York , New York |Question: Well there is this guy whom I have liked for a couple years now. When I first met him through friends he was living with his gf. She was not with him though (I found out about the gf thru my mutual friends who were there as well).  I was very attracted to him. He told me he was not happy in the relationship and that he was going to break up with her. I don't really think I believed him, but went along anyway and I was drunk. We were all doing shots for one of our friends bday.We ended up kissing in the mens room that night and he took me out to dinner the following week. We fooled around in the club, and he said he wanted to see me again - of course saying he wanted to sleep together as well (he was wasted).  And all this other stuff as well he said - but he never followed up.  I imed him a couple times and we spoke via text, I ended up telling him he had a gf so I couldn't dated him and asked him if he had anyone to set me up with. He said no and that I should just wait for him. I said no. Well later on I had a bf and I decided to im him late. We got to talking and from then on kept talking and ended up getting together with and without friends. We went out on a couple dates, always had fun. But as usual he would never follow up and flaked out all the time (yes I had a bf and still do at this time).  I plan on breaking up with my bf soon though, as I know it is not right, but I have been having a hard time actually breaking up with him. Although I have broken up with him in past for short periods of time. Well this guy finally called and made plans (he is now broken up with gf, she moved out). Or so he says. I told him I broke up with bf - b/c at the time I did and he thinks I still am. Anyway we were supposed to meet up, just me and him. I ended up cancelling and then seeing him anyway later on that night instead (I had dinner with my old boss instead of seeing him) and we had a blast. We always have fun. It does always involve drinking though.  Well he was acting different that night, more affectionate etc. His friend was there, b/c he had to make other plans when I canceled on him. His friend was saying "Mike" could be your bf etc, I said no I just got out of a relationship etc. Mike noticed that my "ex" was texting me and I said we are just friends, that I stay friends with all my ex's. I was flirting with other men in front of Mike b/c I still obviously do not trust him. At the end of the night said he wanted to go out on a real date. And that he would call me next week. We have never slept together by the way.  After our first date all we have done is kiss. I think I am the one who always initiates it and I do pursue him more from the beginning then him.
Well I was getting anxious about him flaking out on me again and thinking he is probably not the right guy for me anyway. I also hated the dynamic I had set up, me chasing him and knew it was not going to work with this type of dynamic. So I had to blow him off. I didn't really believe he was going to get in touch with me anyway, based on his past behavior. I canceled on him via email before he could even get in touch with me. He then wrote what is wrong, did he do anything wrong, say anything wrong etc. He has never acted this way. I said I was apprehensive about going out with him and that I was really busy. He asked if he could call me right then to talk about it, I said no I was busy and maybe later on in week when I was less busy (I am currently looking for a job and taking class at NYU).  Told him I was doing an assignment. I then asked him if we could meet in person over coffee or something to talk, he said okay but said he was really confused now. I then thought about things more and decided I was just going to be straight about everything in an email. The in person meeting made things too serious sounding.I ended up writing him the following email the same day.

Mike,

I know talking on phone better, but I am not really a phone person.
There is not much to say that you probably can guess already.
Dating is just not my first priority right now,especially with someone that really confuses me and
flakes out all the time when they do ask me out.  I really don't want to waste my time which I don't havea lot of right now. I am also not into a friends with benefits situation. Been there and done it.
I am not angry or anything like that, just being honest with you.
If you want to talk further about this you can call me or I will call you later in week.

Christie

Well he ended up getting in touch with me and asking if I still didn't want to go out (this was via im). I said did you get my email he said yes and that he understood, but that I had flaked on him last time. I said yes, but. He then said he understood that I didn't want a casual hookup and couldn't we have that discussion after a few dates. I said okay, but that I was not looking to jump into another relationship, that I needed things to go slowly. He got confused and said well I thought you didn't was a casual hookup. I said you are right I do not, but I still want to go slowly in all ways romantically.  He said he was okay with that and that we would have dinner like friends would on Monday.  So at this point I said yes and felt good that I had changed the dynamic (also b/c he was the one who got in touch w me later on in week) and things would be on my terms and I had set my boundries. He said he would call me to firm up plans. I said ok you better not flake he said you better not either. I said I was looking forward to it (I never spoke like that to him before as I always tried to act like I didn't care, even while I was pursuing him) and he said he was too.  Well he im'ed me (knows I don't like talking on phone) a bunch of times always saying he would call me on Monday to complete our plans. He asked what I was doing for halloween etc. I said I had plans for two parties and put the pics up on facebook (some are with me with a guy - not my bf who he has met). Mike one of my friends on facebook. so sees all my pics. Well it is now Tues. He did not get in touch with me yesterday. I saw him on im for a sec. yesterday (Monday) and I asked him how is w/e went. I waited for a bit and he didn't answer, he is on a lot of conf. calls so sometimes does not get to answer right away. I then made myself invisible on im so that he would think I logged off and then he logged off right away. Well now I am pissed and a bit upset, I will be okay as I knew he might do this. I want to get in touch with him (say something like are you flaking out again, he is not on im right now either), but am trying to be strong.I was really looking forward to seeing him tonight and a part of me was hoping he might have changed now that he was not with gf anymore, and that he really liked me and wanted to try things out with me - maybe even see if we could be in a relationship together. What do I do? Just forget about him?  I was trying to act evasive this whole time in a way so he would chase me after me pursuing him.  |Age: 37

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[karen]

Are you really 37?? Good grif.. that's alot of work and effort. what you need to learn is to go on with life when guys start flaking. They'll come around again and when they do is when you set the boundaries and stick to it. Giving in over and over again no matter what is said will not change a thing.

[Amy]

This woman is 37???
This is like a story from a high school girl. "So I, like, IM'd him and then he, like, said he liked me. And then we got wasted and totally made out in the boys' bathroom. But then I knew he'd like, flake and like, he so totally did."
I can't wait to read the comments that are more well-thought out than mine.
From where I sit, I still have serious trouble believe that real people write some of these letters!

[karen]

Good Grief I mean.

[Scout]

WTF?!!!! Is 37 the new 12 or something? Just a little annoyed because the most recent letters have come from women in this age range who should just know better, or just not sound so fucking stupid.

Let me keep this short (something you didn't manage to do) --- please do not procreate and bring more little idiots into the world.

You have wasted TWO YEARS on this douche! Whatever.

[Rock]

Karen, i was about to ask the same question. I thought she mentioned NYU that she was at least 19/20 so i wouldn't chide her so much on this behavior. But seeing as you're 37 and acting like this then you certainly deserve it. Do you even know what you want? I ask because continually breaking up with someone is a sign of not knowing what you want, at the other person's expense. And, for future reference, just breakup with whoever, don't think that you're doing them a favor by sticking around when you no longer favor them.
about this guy that you were okay with making out and going on dates with while he had a girlfriend, do you even want him? or do you want him to want you?
Do you at all know what you want? Since you just got out of a relationship(that is if you bothered to breakup with the current bf since it's so difficult...)why are you courting this guy when you say that you dont want a relationship right now?
Not only are you longwinded but you're ambivalent. No wonder this guy is probably over it, you keep on giving him the runaround.

[DYo]

OMG, like stick a sharp stick in my eye. Reading this was painful...and like everyone else, I assumed this gal was about 21. I am immature at times but really! This chica needs some therapy and maybe a valium. Also, sounds like an AA meeting wouldn't hurt either! And why is it okay for everyone to be sneaking around behind their live-in partners' backs? Repeat after me...end one relationship, then start another. Otherwise, you are nothing more than an insecure, afraid to be without a bf/gf, selfish, heartless and dishonest butthead! Grow Up, dear girl...this is not behaviour that is becoming of anyone, but certainly not from someone who is almost 40 years old! My God!

[DYo]

OMG, like stick a sharp stick in my eye. Reading this was painful...and like everyone else, I assumed this gal was about 21. I am immature at times but really! This chica needs some therapy and maybe a valium. Also, sounds like an AA meeting wouldn't hurt either! And why is it okay for everyone to be sneaking around behind their live-in partners' backs? Repeat after me...end one relationship, then start another. Otherwise, you are nothing more than an insecure, afraid to be without a bf/gf, selfish, heartless and dishonest butthead! Grow Up, dear girl...this is not behaviour that is becoming of anyone, but certainly not from someone who is almost 40 years old! My God!

[LizM]

He isn't into you.

The question you SHOULD be asking yourself is: Why are you even the least bit interested in him? His actions show that he isn't interested AND he is a cheater.

[Lexy]

There isn't anything you can do except find someone else you like and quit playing games. Hard to get is one thing, but trying to gain the upper hand by committing these acts is degrading. Move on.

[Maria]

I had two thoughts while reading this. One concerned the age of the writer. The other was my inner Larry King wondering, "What is your question?" Because of both of these, I had to hang in until the end where I was also treated to "I was trying to act evasive this whole time in a way so he would chase me after me pursuing him."

Why??? What are you getting out of this situation? So what would happen if he caught you from this chase? Make out in the men's room with the next attractive fella that comes along?

I'm 38, and I'm honestly bewildered by the recent questions from the late 30s sisterhood. I'm currently unattached and would prefer not to be. But there's no way in hell that I'd entangle myself in the drama and use of technology(!) found in this tale as a means of changing my single status.

[slightly broken]

Wow, first women who say they look a decade younger, then a 37 year old who acts 19... what's going on?

[VJ]

I really don't want to seem cruel here, but this was almost impossible to read. Is there a shorter version you'd care to share, 'cause this is just juvenile 'back & forth' of little or no significance. I had several thoughts that may or may not be applicable here:

1.) Flakiness is as flakiness does.

2.) No drugs? Seriously?

3.) Is there a flow chart up on your Myspace page explaining all the possible relationships here? If not, I'd heartily recommend it.

4.) Has someone from the Tourist Bureau contacted you about their branding exercise for NYC Girl?

5.) There's every good chance you actually know a bit of what you want, but it's like you're 'addressing' the pool table with a broom. Sure you're going to contact more balls, and they may or may not fall into more holes. But is this what you want? Contact with as many as possible?

6.) If you're going to run around with guys with GF's, the least you might want to do is to rid yourself of your BF. This means fewer 'moving parts' and generally less confusion, or less chance at serious trouble.

7.) Sometimes 37 must be the new 21. This entire communication sounds scattered & unfocused.

8.) The last dude probably suspects you're trying to stalk him. He may or may not have a point there, it's hard to tell.

9.) Moxie is right. Who in their right mind, Male Or Female has time for this type of HS drama?

10.) Is this deal actually 'working for you'? If not get out and try another tact. Possibly something a bit more adult.

Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[Craig]

I'm with the others above. As I was reading this I was wondering when Moxie started taking letters from teenagers. Then I get to the end and did a double-take when I saw this woman was my age. I see some real issues here. Her admitted aversion to telephone use in favor of relatively disconnected communication formats such as IM and email suggests to me she may have some sort of social anxiety disorder. As part of the generation that grew up without the internet and forms of communication other than a telephone, I wonder how she communicated with people pre email and IM. As for the issues with the guy, I say if you chase and date a guy who you knew had a live-in girlfriend while you yourself had a boyfriend at times, both of you deserve whatever drama ensues in your relationship. It should have been obvious to the writer for various reasons that this guy she was pursuing was unreliable and untrustworthy (not that she's any better). People are what they are. It's unwise to expect them to change just for you. Then again on second thought, you both deserve each other. What goes around comes around.

[Roxy]

ok I couldn't even finish reading that. It was waaaay too high school. Grow up. Make a decision.

You went after this guy. He keeps flaking. You want him to pursue you. When he does, you cancel (flake).

This whole situation is lame. You are doing this to yourself. Break the damn cycle already.

[hb]

Sorry, I could not read this all the way through.

Lady, just concentrate on getting yourself and your life together on your own. If you get together with this guy, it's just two people cnfusing each other. This will not help you mature and/or grow as an adult at all.

[Steve from the city next door]

I could not finish it with out a diagram like VJ suggested.

So...I think you need to simplify your life.

[trouble]

Please, stop dogging out the middle schoolers. My daughter is 14 and behaves better than this.

[bartenderV]

I was placed in a similar situation ( when I was 23) and I gotta tell ya that I cant believe that woman in there late 30 's are still dealing with the same bullshit a decade later. This guy is obv. confused about how to treat a REAL woman. But this also means you gotta ACT like a real woman. He's def not BF material if hes cheating and untrusworthy. I say if that doesnt bother you just a tad then by all means go for it. When I was 23 I told that fucker to get LOST. he had a GF and I wanted nothing to do with it. This was def hard since I was extremely attracted to him, but again it takes a lot of courage to say NO to a situation you know will turn out bad. Its not rocket science. Its common sense 101. Good luck.

[GG]

Wow. I can have more coherent conversations about dating with my 14 year old son. You can't really be 37, and if so you probably need to count on being mostly alone for the duration because no rational man could spend any real time with you. You need some counseling to help you get grounded in adult behavior. I'd probably suggest starting with a therapist who specializes in adolescents.

[Deb]

Oh no..I think its necessary to see the whole thing in its entirety. It makes you appreciate how idiotic this girl really is.

This post really made my day, I could not stop laughing...
the best part it that she doesn't realize that she is doing exactly the same thing as this guy. They are both dating others and keeping the other one around. How can she go on and go about him when she is doing the exact same thing?

Fantastic.

[Dylan in Philly]

Is it just me? Ohhh - My head hurts and I have a headache! The poster's story is all-over the place. My 10-year old neice can write better story then this one and more mature then her. It is hard for me to believe someone on their late 30's still have immature dramas. There are two key points here what you said: 1. "We always have fun. It does always involve drinking though." 2. "We are just friends, that I stay friends with all my ex's." Did it ever occur to you that he is not into you. Plain and simple! Obviously, you've missed some signs from him the way you're acting - Immature. My head still hurts! :( Your story doesn't make sense, because your points of view are Mumbo-Jumbo. Also, it has lots of errors, and it is hard to digest your story. Get a life!

Moxie, can you post more edifying or more enlighting discussion then this, next time? Seriously, is she for real?

DIRKA DIRKA DIRKA!

[Michael (Chicago)]

Hmm... I thought this was 'Sex & Moxie', not MySpace.

[psychedelikat]

Wait a minute, you want him, yet you asked him to SET YOU UP WITH A FRIEND? Wtf???? You knew he had a girlfriend, yet you made out with him in the men's room? You had a boyfriend, yet you continued to IM him and date him, and fool around with him? Holy shit, girl (woman or lady does not qualify here), grow the F up already! Did your brain go into deep freeze at the age of 12 and therefore didn't develop fully? I'd ask if you were for real, but unfortunately, I have a friend like you, but she's "only" 28. Still she ought to know better just as you should. Get a grip, get a life, and GO GET THERAPY!

[Andreius]

Who has Time For This Drama? - Not me... I couldn't even finish reading this flaking thing ...

"What do I do? Just forget about him? I was trying to act evasive this whole time in a way so he would chase me after me pursuing him."

You're not acting evasive, you're acting like this your first dating experience ever with the opposite sex and the poor guy is probably just as confounded as the readers who commented on your letter. You're probably scaring the guy with your erratic behavior. Why worry about whether you're headed for a relationship or a friends with benefits situation? You're not even dating him from what I could tell. On what basis do you even want a relationship with this guy? Because he's flaky and not consistent? I think you should focus on school and finding a job for now. You can figure out the relationship thing later.

[Chameleon1218]

Moxie are you SURE this was written by a 37 yr old???

[Average Joe]

This 37 y/o is on some major crack!! You make me want to throw up! If I have to see any response from you on this little crack-rant of yours, I may just go visit you in NY so I can have you locked up!!

P.s, you did however bring one bright spot to my afternoon, you being so fing crazy reminded me of that funny song "They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!! by Napoleon XIV.

[Average Joe]

This 37 y/o is on some major crack!! You make me want to throw up! If I have to see any response from you on this little crack-rant of yours, I may just go visit you in NY so I can have you locked up!!

P.s, you did however bring one bright spot to my afternoon, you being so fing crazy reminded me of that funny song "They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!! by Napoleon XIV.

[lola]

Oops, the 1:34 anon comment was me.

[amy]

Omg I am 37 and would never act like her. I thought I was reading a young college girls teen romance story. You should get therapy. That would be beneficial so that situations like this don't happen again. You lied, cheated, played games and sneaked around. That doesn't attract positive things into ones life. Please look closely at your actions.

[teelee]

Holy data dump Batman! I couldn't even make it half-way through this post.

Christie, it sounds to me like you're afraid to be alone. You should do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and back off from guys for a while and straighten out your head. Go on a "man break."

[Ed]

Women always get offended when they are described as being emotionally unstable, who are incapable of making right decisions, and need to be told what to do so they dont screw up countless peoples lives. But as this woman has shown us, along with the popular female shows like sex and the city, such a description is probably accurate of most of them. call me mysogynistic, it doesnt make it wrong.

[KSR]

I agree with everyone else that this sounds more like something from a teenager versus a woman my own age.

Christie--your time is precious. You don't have years to waste on someone who doesn't listen to you and plays games like this (and you play right along with him).

This is maybe expected when you're in your teens and 20s and haven't yet matured emotionally or intellectually. At 37, this is ridiculous, and if you keep it up, you'll end up old and alone.

[Kegs]

Ed, you are mysogynistic. Of course your views are biased if you are using the women who write into this blog and Sex and the City as your basis for making generalisations about all women. Those of us who are stable and manage fine aren't going to be writing in here, as we don't have problems that need answering. And SATC is based in Manhattan, and as those of us who live here know it is not typical of other cities. Neither are the attitudes of many women AND men in this city.

That said, I agree with your conclusion that this particular woman seems incapable of making the right decision. I got bored reading half way through.

Christie, stop with all the game playing. You are driving yourself crazy, not to mention him. If a guy just isn't that into you, go and find someone who is. It's pretty simple. And don't go finding one who is supposed to be 'with' someone else, get one of your own or wait until they actually HAVE split up. otherwise you ain't ever going to get anywhere.

[frolic and detour]

Wow. Just wow. 37? I, too, thought that the OP was in her early 20's or something. Like many others have commented, I couldn't get through the entire post, either. The level of minute detail that you have provided is somewhat disturbing for a 37 YO woman.

I read enough to conclude that you should probably stay away from this guy. Doesn't he have a live-in girlfriend? Sorry if I missed that but, as I said, there was no way I could read your entire stream-of-consciousness rant.

[Loyalteaz]

Dump him. Move on. Be honest and upfront next time.