We Attract Who We Are

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Name: MercutioCrawler |  Location: Brooklyn , New York |Question: I have a bit of an issue.  My girlfriend and I have only been together a short time, only 6 months, and we've already moved in together.  (Her living situation was awful so I made the choice to let her stay with me)  I love her but the problem is that she can be very negative.  She is a little overweight by some guy's standards, but I love her for who she is, and have never asked her to change.  She, however, gets easily sad when she "disappoints" me (her words, not mine) and worries that I'm going to leave her.  My friends tell me I can do much better than her but I love this girl.  I keep encouraging her that I want only her but she can be so negative about life that it's becoming a turn-off to have to keep endlessly boosting her confidence.  I don't even think I'm that good-looking but she's convinced I'll leave her for the next thinner girl that comes my way.  I don't and won't, but at the same time, it's not fair to have to keep feeling guilty because her self-esteem is low.  Is there anything I should be doing to help, or am I fighting an endless cycle? |Age: 28

This is kind of a prime example of what I mean when I say that we attract who we are.  You've attracted this woman in your life because , like her, you too have a poor self-image. Listen to what you said. "I don't even think I'm that good looking..." How can either one of you get out of this cycle when you both clearly have almost identical sets of baggage?

Look, we all have issues and baggage. All of us. Sometimes our overnight bag fits nicely in the closet with our mate's little make-up case. It's a good it. Sometimes we meet someone who already has their overnight bag as well as a week away suitcase. There's no room to fit our tiny little make-up case. Gay analogy, I know. But what I'm trying to say is that sometimes people's baggage are not a good fit for certain other people. Like in the letter from the woman the other day who got insecure when her defensive online suitor snapped at her. Insecurity plus defesniveness equals a relationship full of angst and drama.

If your friends tell you you can do better, that means you can. You just have to believe it. If the situation were different and you had more self-esteem, then I'd say stick it out until you can't take it anymore. However, in your particular situation I'd say to get out now and work on yourself so that you don't get dragged down by this girl's negativity. Dragged down so far that you'll never get out of that hole.

If she's so damn worried about losing you to a skinnier girl, tell her to lose weight. I know how she feels because I have/had those moments of fear before. But whining about how you feel heavy isn't cardio. In fact, it actually makes matters worse because depression and anxiety are sure-fire ways to put on weight. The mertabolism slows, you're not as physically active, you're more likely to stress eat, etc. There's nothing more annoying and pathetic than a woman who continusouly asks "Do I look fat? I feel bloated. I think I've put on weight" and then proceeds to sit her as son the couch and stuff her face. What they're really doing is looking for you to tell them that they look fine. That way they can justify staying overweight. So, if you insist on staying with her, tell her to either go on a diet or stop complaining. And explain that if she can't or won't do that then you will leave her.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[NoFalsePretense]

MercutioCrawler, the key is that you think that she is overweight and not good enough for you. I quote:
"She is a little overweight by some guy's standards"
"I love her for who she is, and have never asked her to change"
This is hardly encouraging to a girl in her twenties that is probably dreaming that her guy would think that she is the prettiest, sexiest woman in the land. Your attitude just doesn't cut it; your friends are not helping, and the fact that you bothered writing about them here is depressing.

I don't think you want to fix this relationship. I think you're looking for someone to pet you on the back and say, yes go, she's to blame.

You have two option:
(1) Leave her and test the market, but don't expect her to take you back later if you're disappointed.
(2) Start telling her that she is the best thing that ever happened to you and that you find her sexy and beautiful and that you have no eyes for any other woman. By the way, it's OK to fly to a whore house with your stock broker buddies the day after you gave her a good pep talk, pledging your eternal love and devotion.

These are your choices. You're 28 years old. Grow up. Get a backbone. Be a man!!

It's only ok to fly to a whore house if he is honest with her about where he is going. That way she has the chance to decide that he is not up to HER standards.

[flighty]

I disagree with NFP's recommendations mainly because it seems like the girl he's dating has really low self-esteem and is horribly insecure. I don't think she's dreaming "that her guy would think that she is the prettiest, sexiest woman in the land" because she wouldn't believe him. She can't even accept that this guy wants to be with her (probably thinking to herself, why wouldn't anyone want me?)

I'm with Moxie. Get out while the getting out is good.

[hb]

If you truly loved her as she is, you would not be writing in for affirmation/approval that you should be dating this overweight chick with low self-esteem. You want to be viewed as the knight in shining armor, living with this girl who wants to be with you so much.....

You either think for yourself and be with her and get her to work out with you and encourage her positively. OR you get out and concentrate fully on your own life and see if you can get someone better. You are wondering if you can.......So how can you find out? Think about it.

[Craig]

"MercutioCrawler", you are indeed fighting an endless cycle. I've dated this girl before. The one with the self-esteem problems who is constantly in need of reaffirmation. I'll tell you from experience that it never ends with such people. In my case it was even more annoying because the girl in question wasn't even fat. Imagine hearing your girl whine everday about how fat she is despite wearing a size 4! I'm beginning to believe all women think they're fat no matter what their actual body type is. I don't know why your friends are such haters. I think it's great that you love a fat chick. That makes you a hell of a lot less shallow than most of us. Unfortunately, she's never going to believe that you won't leave her for someone thinner. So as Moxie suggests, tell her to do what she must to lose weight so she doesn't have to worry about you leaving her for someone thinner. Tell her exercising burns more calories that whining. In my opinion, of the physical traits some tend to find unnattractive, being fat is the best one to have. Unlike being short, bald, old, ugly, etc., being fat is something you can control, is not permanent, and can be reversed. Give her some motivation to change: Tell her to either accept herself as she is like you do, or stop the constant whining about her weight. Otherwise her fears will become reality. Stop being so hard on yourself too. Look at the bright side: The best thing about being a guy is that you can be butt-ugly and still get hot ass if you got some money.

[mr-happy]

I disagree to a certain extent with the premise behind this post, I would say.

We attract people who have similiar emotional traits and characteristics of people in our early life [praticularily mom and dad] whom we have unresolved issues with, and we do this on a unconscience or conscience level to work out these early life issues which affect people to a tremendous disgree and to which most people these days can claim some sort of dysfunctionality. I truly believe that THIS is where repetition patterns in relationships and other parts of life come from.

The key is recognize these patterns and as long as the rest of the person we atrracted is ok then this maybe someone who we can work out many things with in the future. If we do they will be our pal for life, if we can't the relationship will end and we will move on. People who are constantly seeing the same things in relationships which they may not like most likely are going thru this pattern but not working thru much.

Most of the time this is why I believe relationships get to a point where either the couple gets married [and equiveleant i.e. move in together] or breaks up most times for good - in otherwords we rode with the person as long as we could, we could not work out most of the times our own internal issues and so we break up and try to find the next person who can help us.

I think if people look closely at themselfs and their realtionships they will see these patterns.

So yep it does come back to the topic of the post we all need to work out issues to have better and better relatoinships, most of the time these issues have nothing to do with materialism but can effect our material life when we can not function right.

So that's my spin on it all, happy holidays to all.

[aim aka amy frm nj]

In my last relationship I was with an obese man and I gained over 30 to 40 lbs. He cheated so I dumped him. I stopped eating out all the time. I dropped over 20 lbs got a new hairdo and bought new going out clothes. I walk a lot now for exercise. I recently also cut out drinking soda. I drink 8 glasses of water every day. I am dating a man who is into health and fitness. We had a similiar talk like the cpl in the post. He is encouraging. I plan to lose 40 more lbs and get my shape back I had in my 20's.
I advise that this women get in shape and diet. Go to therapy together. Learn to love yourself and be the best you
Can be.

[Phoebe]

Whoever wrote the advice part knows nothing about women. Telling her to go on a diet or stop complaining is the worse possible advice you can get. That will only confirm her own feelings of insecurity. I would simply tell her that you find her very attractive and don't care about her weight. Then say that it's not her weight, but her constant insecurity about it that is troubling to you. In the meantime, encourage healthy habits that you both enjoy -- playing sports, going hiking or skiing, cooking healthy meals. That way you are not criticizing her weight, but encouraging self-esteem through a healthy lifestyle that is good for both of you.

[Moxie]

"Whoever wrote the advice part knows nothing about women."

Really? That makes my vagina cry.

Enduring the constant "Do I look fat?" whines that women liek this elicit is a relationship killer. If she's so worried that she's too heavy, then take control fo the situation an dlose weight. She's the one saying she's over weight, not him. So if that's what she thinks about herself and it bothers her so much that she has to ask her boyfriend constantly if she's too heavy for him or constantly express fear that she'll lose him because of her weight, then she should do something about it.

This guy is not this woman's life coach, nutritionist or doctor. It's not his job to fix her. That's HER job.

[mr-happy]

Moxie Said" Really? That makes my vagina cry."

I hear ya mox, physical attributes [i.e. extra blubber] for women is like financial/job security for men, the same pressure....

For every man that women expect to be financially awasome, and blah blah blah, there is a man expecting the women to be very pretty and thin, both are out of touch with the day to day realities of the average joe or jane! oth women and MAN probably need to adjust their expectations to be closer to reality.

Women who advice other very-over-weight to be themselfs are out of touch with reality. I think mox's answer this time is right on babe! because we all know how much pressure men and women put on women regarding their weight.

That one I give to the ladies, oh well - grin!

[MercutioCrawler]

Just want to say thanks to all for the constructive criticism, and I should there would be at least one jerk in the bunch who thinks I'm looking for some pat-on-the-back justification and wants to make things personal. So, I'm going to respond as calmly as I can.

To NoFalsePretense: You are either misguided or reading what you want to read. I don't hang out with stockbrokers (I'm not even close to a rich guy) and I certainly would NEVER cheat on her. As for her being overweight, maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but it doesn't matter if she is or not. I'm not going to lie to her and say she's rail thin, but I'm not going to say she's a pig either because she's not. She is beautiful, and I love her whether she was 140, 240 or whatever. My question isn't for justification or validation. I only wanted advice from others who have been down similar paths and maybe can help me make my relationship better or if I'm doing something wrong. She's not better than me and I'm not better than her. The fact that you even think I said that shows just how bitter and vicious you sound about relationships involving appearance. And as for calling me out with no backbone and not being a man, I don't know why you wanted to get personal. Maybe you got your own issues, but keep them out of mine, please.

Everyone else, thank you for your help and advice.

[pp]

If you truly love her, tell her that and say that her physical body has nothing to do with that feeling, it's who she is. However, also tell her you are not OK with her whining about her weight all the time, it is not good for her to do, not good for you to listen to, etc. Ask her if making plans to exercise together will help. Or tell her to go to therapy to work through her issues. Tell her you'll always be there to support her, but she needs to be proactive and you want her to be so that she is happy.

[Separated Guy]

I, too, have dated a woman with self-esteem problems. In fact I was deeply in love with one. The experience for me didn't work out and didn't satisfy what I needed out of a relationship. Giving oneself to another should be a great gift. And even if it feels that way at the beginning, my belief is that if your partner doesn't build some self image, the feeling will quickly fade once you realize the real message is "My gift isn't that special, 'cuz it's just me."

You're right, it doesn't matter one bit what her size is. However, it does matter whether she thinks she's giving you something special just as it matters that you treasure what you give to her.

[NoFalsePretense]

MercutioCrawler, I figured that since I responded once to your post, I might as well respond again.
It was not my intention to attack you; I take this forum light heartedly. I don't know you. And the "cheating" stock broker joke is related to a different post. It was clear from your post that you are not wealthy.
However, the truth is that you read like a whiny man. You may think that you're seeing your girl objectively, but this is not the way a woman wants her man to see her. You may disagree with my view of the situation, and granted it is based on very little data and could be wrong, but it wouldn't hurt for you to take a closer look and ask whether you are doing anything to make the girl feel more confident or whether you are making her feel more insecure. In my experience telling her that "you love her just the way she is" is a sure way to add to her insecurity.
You don't need to make outrageous lies, but if you kept on highlighting the positives and avoid the negatives, you'll be helping a little more.

cheers,
NFP

[DrivingMeNutes]

"She is beautiful, and I love her whether she was 140, 240 or whatever."

MercutioCrawler, why must you turn this forum into a house of LIES? Deep down (or maybe not even so deep down) you know that is false and there's no point in posting lies here just to make yourself sound like a "good guy" because no one here knows who you are in real life, so you're not going to get any credit in the real world for the nice things you say here. Perhaps you are lying to yourself too but I doubt it.

I also agree with NFP's advice that you should lighten the hell up.

DMN

[sweetwillows]

First let me address NFP...

"it's OK to fly to a whore house with your stock broker buddies the day after you gave her a good pep talk, pledging your eternal love and devotion."

I really do hope that you were joking here otherwise this is the sickest piece of advice that I've ever heard.

MecurioCrawler, Everyone we come into contact with we have the potential to affect postively or negatively. How do you want to affect this girl? You might candidly tell her that her low self-esteem will adversely affect WHATEVER relationship she is in and that you want to help her find a way to grow towards loving herself. You might suggest counseling. You might ask her to look for all the great qualities in herself besides her weight that make her attractive and desirable. You might reinforce that a person's appeal is not exclusively tied to their weight, but other things as well..

However, If you can't commit to helping her on her journey to self-love then you need to gently place her down and keep it moving. You can tell her that you think that she's beautiful, that you love her but that no one else can make her see that but her, and that it's destructive to the relatonship. I say this because I do agree that unless she truly begins to believe that she is desirable, the cycle of dealing with her self esteem will be endless.

I caution against treating this girl harshly. She obviously is already fragile. do you want to kick her even further when she's down? We all have our own hang ups, insecurities, flaws, weakness...if you can't help a person get over them or be a compassionate friend then at the very least,leave them in a condition no worse off then when you met them so they can continue on their journey without you.

We are all (hopefully) on a path to be our best selves, some of us are closer than others. When you come across a person who may not be as "together" as you, see how you can help them be better...if you can't, then leave them alone and keep it moving! At some point in our lives, someone who is more together than you is going to come into your life and see your flaws/weakspots/neurosis...how would you want them to treat you?

[Crotch Rocket]

"In my experience telling her that 'you love her just the way she is' is a sure way to add to her insecurity." Yeah, that's pretty much an admission you agree with her, i.e. "you're fat, but I love you anyways". If you think she's beautiful as she is, just tell her she's beautiful and leave it at that. In my experience, it won't help because she'll assume you're lying, but it's the least-bad thing you can say. If you must, tell her that her insecurity and self-deprecation is the only thing that's unattractive and you're hurt that she doesn't believe you. Let the guilt distract her :)

[NoFalsePretense]

I thought to change my name from NoFalsePretense to SingleManWhoWritesForEntertainment, but decided against it.
sweetwillows is a nice name too, and yes it was a joke; see "How Come She Keeps Attracting Jerks & Perverts?". I think it was the most entertaining thread we had going. Of course, I am completely objective in this.

Merry Christmas,
NFP