Dysfunction Attracts Dysfunction

Name: Regretting It |  | Location: Hell , TX |Question: I did something(s) terrible and am now paying the piper for my actions.  I had a feeling this day would come, but hoped it wouldn't.  My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in December.  It was a hard breakup, and even though I knew it would do more harm than good, we kept up a FWB situation.  Huge mistake.  He believed he believed he could tell me about other women he was interested in and meeting, and yet every time he would tell me about them, I grew more resentful and jealous.  No matter that we were broken up. 
Some days he would be affectionate with me, others he would be cold and aloof.  He is prone to moodiness and now I suspect he is clinically depressed or even bi-polar.  He has more mood swings than a pms-ing woman.  But when he told me he messed around (no sex) with a woman who is well known in our social circle, I became livid, but didn't show it.  I hid it, and tried not be jealous because after all, he wasn't my boyfriend any more. However, I couldn't let go of the fact that he had previously said he wouldn't ever touch her with a ten-foot pole, yet there he was telling me about a night he got drunk and played around with her.  A few weeks ago I couldn't stand it any more and confided in a friend I thought I could trust.  I hadn't told her anything that was going on between him and I because I didn't want her to know.  No one but his best friend knew we were still maintaining a sexual relationship. But then a week or so ago, I told her everything, including his play session with this woman and how it made me feel.    After more drama and emotional crap between my ex and I (I was responsible for half of it, of course), I decided to end the sex and take time away from him.   I needed to disconnect and go out on my own and learn to live without him at last. 

The friend I had confided in invited me out last week to meet her and some friends.  One of whom was a guy I'd met last year prior to meeting my ex-bf.  I'd thought he was cute, but a little too wild for me.  She said, "You need him to help you get over your ex. He's sweet."  And, of course, I took the bait, and flirted with him.  I had been attracted to him before, and still was.  It wasn't the same level of attraction I'd had with my ex, but I decided I need to stop comparing people and just have fun and enjoy myself. 
Well, it ended up that this guy and I stayed behind past closing, chatting and visiting.  We talked about video games, our favorite movies, briefly about our exes.  (He said not one bad word about his, which told me volumes about his character.) 

We've talked on the phone a lot this past week and have made a date for this weekend.  The kicker is this:  my friend now says she wants him.  She told me she wanted a relationship with him before but he wasn't interested in her so therefore she was "giving him up to me" because I needed the cheering up more than she did.  I couldn't believe what she said.  New guy also showed me a text message she had sent him, stating, "I'll be damned if you have sex with her before me!"  New guy and I hadn't even discussed that option yet.  We are still just getting to be friends. 

Last night I went to see New Guy, talked and played some video games, and and pretty much had a good time.  He kissed me, and it felt nice.  But nothing more happened.  Today, my ex-bf sent me several text messages while I was at work.  What I had told my friend about him playing with another woman had gotten back to him.  He is livid, embarrassed, accused me of betraying his trust (which I'm willing to acknowledge), and he then stated he had been considering a reconciliation for the last 3 weeks but not now. 

I replied to him, I knew he wouldn't want a reconciliation simply because he has been so off/on with me during the FWB the last few months.  And I said some terrible things to him, lashing out about how he'
d made me feel, etc.  But now, regret is seeping in.  I know she is the one who made sure he found out about I repeated his little escapade.  She's the only one I discussed it with.  Now even our acquaintances know, but are getting a mangled version.  I shouldn't have confided in my friend.  I should have known better, shouldn't I?  I know I'll never get back together with him, but how do I salvage this situation so we can at least rebuild a foundation for a cordial friendship in the future?  I'm leaving him alone for now. 
I feel so stupid. |Age: 34

Holy Christ. Get away from these people. All of 'em. Including New Guy. Because, FYI...guaranteed he's flirting with you're psycho girl friend.

Let's address the FWB thing..okay, you know it was poor judgment. And quite frankly I'm tired of giving the same speech about how, if a man wants you, he'll be with you completely. Not just for sex.

His potential bi-polar disorder? Um...no. Although it does seem like so many women like to self-diagnose men and assign all these disorders to them rather than just say, "Oh. He does that because he's an asshole. Not because he's mentally unstable." The mood swings aren't mood swings. It's him wanting you when he wants you, and not needing you when he doesn't. It's him sensing that you're getting attached and purposefully being a dick so you'll get the hint and not get the wrong idea. Diagnosis? Selfish Asshole Disorder. SAD. Look it up. It exists. Or at least it should.

Your girl friend? She sucks. She doesn't have your best interests at heart, and she's the girl who can't be happy for a friend because her misery overrules anything and anyone else's needs.

New guy? Distance yourself. Why? Because the drama is inevitable. Oh, and he'll be nailing your friend soon, too. And then she will feel compelled to tell you saying "she thought you should know."

Oh, and you're Ex's petty schoolyard "Well, I was going to invite you to my birthday party but not now" passive aggressive shit? Tell him to shove it. He never had intentions of getting back with you. He just wanted to make you feel bad.  He threw in your face the one thing he knew you wanted most and wanted to shame you with it. Matter of time before he nails your friend and then feels compelled to confess that to you. Rinse. Repeat.

Now, for the real issue here...why are you attracting all this drama in your life? Why do you attract and settle for such low lifes? Figure that out and you'll figure out how to deal with this current situation. You're friends with all these people because you think it's better than having no one. And because you're probably a bit of a drama queen and don't know how to break out of that pattern. Break out of it and fast. You stay around people like this and you will never be able to get your shit together and attract the right people.  You'll start thinking that all this chaos is normal and therefore you won't be able to recognize true contentment and happiness.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Mr-happy]

I guess it's true what they say, women love assholes, and assholes get even more pussy by crapping on women then the normal nice guy does [and so the cycle continues anew!], and it's interesting to know crazy girls like you take the bullshit every day of the week. Sorry but your behavior qualifies as "NUTS" yes that was in caps MA-Lady...

I think FWB after a relationship is a recipe for disaster...Your story proves it yet again.

People want what they can't have of course and the nut-zoids in the above story prove it. The guy I am sure was loving the fact that two women where tripping over themselves for him.

Your relationship with your ex is dysfunctional and silly, but mox is right there seems to be lots of this illogical behavior out there these days because we see story after story with the mostly clueless girl saying why is my boyfriend shitting on me when he is an asshole and remember shit rolls from the top down.

Since you hopefully have learned something cut the chords, be alone, no rebound relationships they only increase the amount of time needed before a healthy relationship can happen, BE ALONE, then you will figure out why you create the craziness around you and it will STOP! I wonder if you can, but if you can not you doomed to repeat your relationship issues in one form or another infinite....

[isa.how]

Mox, you hit the nail right on the head. RegrettingIt clearing doesn't know what it means to build decent relationships with people. Unfortunately, I think this tends to be true for so many people. I had a conversation with a male friend of mine last night. He confessed that he has spent years dating women who don't like who he is - emotional, a bit awkward and not into playing games. It seems that he has finally broken out of that pattern by fully and positively embracing who he is.

Mr. Happy, please stop making generalizations about women. The whole 'nice guys finish last' thing that you are constantly peddling on this blog is getting old. Although I think some of what you write is right on the money, I find your attitudes about women rather..umm, not nice! I've said it before and I will say it again : make a woman feel desired and special, and you've got her. Get a haircut, put on a clean ironed shirt and for God's sake, get rid of those run-over shoes that so many of you 'nice guys' like to wear.

[amen]

You're a major nutcase who loves drama. Unfortunately I've met a couple of you. People who always have some drama going on with family, friends,lovers, co-workers etc.. it seems like you can't make any relationship work because you're so miserable and have a horrible relationship with yourself.

Those are the signs I look for with people whether it be for romantic relationships, friendships,co-workers I can hang out with.

You need to deal with your own problems before even considering any kind of dating.

Yes, it is true that I've made a woman feel desired, special, cared for and loved but she left me for some asshole anyways. It doesn't mean that I was doing anything wrong, it means that she was no prize and a good match for assholes who can shit on her all they want.

I learned to choose better women instead of blaming it on being a decent human being.

Women who love assholes, assholes who love these women should be slapped and left on the curb where they all belong.

[Mira]

^^^That is exactly what I've been talking about... Mr-happy.

Not only in Asia, you will find that situation in India, Mid-East & Africa as well. Why that "entitlement" theory of most "modernized" women holds... we "women" are lucky over here and yet we don't know it.

BUT, further down in the years when these female infanticide country (India, China etc.) mature & have more men than women... the tide will turn. Just nature's way of balancing itself out...

[Crotch Rocket]

"how do I salvage this situation" You can't. Ditch _everyone_ in this story, including the drama queen inside yourself. No healthy person will _ever_ want to be friends with you, much less in a relationship, as long as you tolerate this kind of insane crap in your life. Trying to "salvage" your relationship with someone dysfunctional is tacit permission for them to continue to do what they're doing.

amen, you sound like a good guy! I hope you find the girl who is perfect for you. I have always wondered why all the assholes in the world, male and female, could not have some magnetic force that made them cling to each other instead of ending up with nice people and causing them untold grief. There are lots of nice people in this world you just have to search.

[dusktilldawn]

Sweetie, you dont have friends you have frenemies!
Scrap the Ex. He is a sociopath/ psychopath who wants to fuck your friends and make your life hell.
Scrap the rebound new guy because he can't be trusted even your initial instinct told you to be wary of him.
Scrap the friends who may seem to want to "Help You" can't keep your secrets, are jealous of your relationships and sound like they are all fucking each-other.
Get out of that vicious Jerry Springer Cycle

I know it's easier said than done, but in your own best interest- dump these toxic people, delve into your own issues, and work on your self-esteem.

At least, you are starting to analyze the situation instead of making one bad decision after another. Hanging around insincere, abusive people will not help you, Girlfriend.

Take time out and work on yourself. You may discover that you can be a better person, be happier without these people and drama and that you don't miss them at all.

Do they make you feel good about yourself? Do they lift you up or do they drag you down? It's your choice, really.

[boundless]

Sounds like all of these relationships are toxic for you. I definitely agree that you have to have some distance and time alone to rebuild your sense of self. Once you do, your instincts will tell you (i)not to be fwb with your ex (ii) not to confide in someone untrustworthy, etc. Good luck.

[Regretting It]

I've been considering driving myself off a cliff lately. But, I don't want to die. I just want the bs to end. And with the help of one true friend who has said exactly the same thing you all have said, "DUMP THEM ALL," I realize I need to address my deeper issues (abuse, guilt, daddy issues, inferiority complex, whatever it is that's driving my need for drama...)

It's funny, I never thought I was a drama queen. I didn't want games. This girl friend of mine is some one I helped leave an abusive boyfriend. Huh. And look at where I ended up.

I see my high school friends settled with families happily and I feel as if I'm stuck in high school mode and have no idea how to get out.

And so....I contacted a therapist today. Maybe I can finally get out of this rut that is my life. And crotch-rocket, I really want to ditch the drama queen inside of myself. I hate the bitch.

And of course...my ex contacted me today via email...wondering why I'm not talking to him..."I'm not invisible!" WTF? And he's apparently not mad anymore because that's exactly what he said.

Do I have permission to laugh at the absurdity of it all?

[Kegs]

Regretting it, you actually sound like you have your head screwed on fairly well to me, not 'crazy' as accused by some of the above. You recognise that going into the FWB with an ex was a bad idea. Confiding in your friend should have been a normal thing to do - I would hope I can always tell my friends about anyone I am seeing, and if I'm not, it says a lot about either the friend or the person I am seeing and says I shouldn't be in that situation!

Just ignore your ex from now on. Less drama for you will reduce your stress levels, and he was being passive aggressive with his 'been considering a reconciliation for the last 3 weeks but not now' - what crap. Don't worry about needing a cordial friendship with him in the future, unless you all share friends I would put him behind you.

"Selfish Asshole Disorder. SAD. Look it up." - this is absolutely brilliant and the funniest thing I have read on here for a while (well, maybe except for all the 'I look 10 years younger' comments, but that just makes me sigh...). So many people respond with 'oh, he's gay/has ADD/blah blah'. No, he isn't and he doesn't - he has SAD!!

[A Tree in the Forest]

There's a lot going on here, so let me take it a piece at a time. First the ex. Reading between the lines, he was probably the one who broke it off in December and you weren't ready to let go. You probably still aren't since you want to "rebuild a foundation for a cordial friendship". While he was truly doing the FWB thing, you on the other hand were putting out in the hope that you'd get back together. You didn't have the emotional detachment necessary for the situation, and a FWBs relationship with ulterior motives seldom works. You know that now.

How to repair the damage? Have a calm, quiet, face-to-face conversation with him and apologize. Apologize for breaking his trust, apologize for not openly admitting that you still had feelings for him, and apologize for going off on him because of your hurt feelings. Let him know you won't blame him (and *don't*) if he chooses to not continue your friendship, that you've learned from your mistakes and hope he'll forgive you, and that you'll back out of his life until he decides to bring you back in.

Now for the new guy. He hasn't done anything wrong that I can tell. The fact that your girlfriend is interested in him is no crime on his part. She apparently knows that he's not interested in her, but that never seems to stop a drama queen. Some women find a man more interesting if he is desired by other women or if he seems unattainable--in this case, both exist. Continue to get to know this guy at your own pace *if* you are genuinely interested in him and not just using him as a rebound or pawn in the drama with your ex and girlfriend. Let him know that you're concerned about your girlfriend's designs on him but that he has your trust until proven otherwise.

Finally, the girlfriend. She's not a true friend (she broke your trust) and sounds both malicious and vindictive. Dump her. The only possibility of reestablishing a relationship with her is if she comes to you with a heartfelt apology for her emotional behavior similar to what I suggested you do with your ex. Even then, be cautious as to how close a friend you allow her to be.

With each of these issues, don't communicate by text, e-mail, or even phone. Discussions like these need to be in person, and somewhere free of outside distractions so that you can truly connect on an intimate level. Good luck.

[Quirky]

I agree with the advice from A Tree in the Forest except for the part about keeping in contact with the ex. I've been in the situation where I was broken up with and then decided to remain friends with the ex...it went from platonic friends to friends with benefits and in the back of my mind I still wanted him to see me as gf material even though I was trying to date other people. In order to heal, well at least if you're the dumpee, I think you need a hard, clean break from your ex for a couple months to forget about them and heal yourself. And don't apologize right now - wait a few months, if you still want to remain friends after all this. The last thing you need to feel right now is that he's right and you're not. See him for the asshole he is.

[isa.how]

Good for you Regretty It. Many people, myself included, have struggled with embracing the fact that we DESERVE decent, supportive people in our lives.

Several years ago, I began the process of dumping toxic friends. It was hard because they were pissed off at me and told other people in our mutual circles that I had dumped them and they didn't know why. Now of course, they were lying as I had asked them for years to be better friends. But it wasn't until I learned to be comfortable being alone AND began to put demands on people that I got away from these drama kings and queens.

[A Tree in the Forest]

Quirky: how on earth do you conclude the ex is an asshole? They broke up months ago. She agreed to a FWB relationship and *she* was the one who couldn't handle it. He was acting exactly the way such relationships are meant to be: open about what's going on in your life like a true friend, and enjoy the sexual benefits of one another's company. I'd guess that his "mood swings" were him trying to keep the relationship detached (not wanting or expecting anything more than FWB) while she persisted in trying to force "more". Since she wasn't hearing what she wanted to hear, she characterized it as *his* problem. Wrong.

Next, part of being an adult is recognizing when you are wrong, owning it, and trying to restitute any damage you caused. She needs to apologize as soon as possible. Delaying will only ingrain the notion in her ex's mind that she's a "flaky bitch". Not good for the long term.

I respect your opinion from experience that she might need time apart to detach her feelings. That's up to Regretting It. If so, after apologizing she can simply tell him that she's going to need her space until she is again able to think of him only as a friend and that she'll let him know once she gets to that point, if ever. However, never let hurt feelings be an excuse for not doing the right thing.

[Jaclyn]

To the original poster,

You should be very proud of yourself for recognizing the cycle you are in, and trying to remove yourself from it. You need to completely ignore your ex and toxic friends(change your cell #, block emails, move if you have to).

We know he is an asshole because he is treating his ex-girlfriend badly. He should care about her feelings, and treat her feelings with respect. Women need to demand respectful behavior from men since there are a lot of assholes out there, but the fact that he is telling a woman who cares about him about other women he is attracted to is cruel.

[mr-happy]

Nice guys do not always finish last, never said that or peddled that here -I realize I have different points of view which not all people agree with or subscribe to and I do not apologize for that at all, if you don't like it, don't read it, yet it's true what women are attracted to is certainly not always logical [come on girls you know it!] or men. The bad boys, or at least Don Juan's are exciting and all women love exciting, the Don Juan's make better boyfriends. Nice guys are great, many just need more style/sensual/emotional/social training and they kick the bad boys ass.

This is not what I am peddling, it's for the better or worse how many modern women operate, if you guys always made good decisions mox would be out of business!.

And I disagree that when the modern Asain cultures mature it will go away that older men are with younger women, I think it will go the other way and here in the US you are and will see more and more older men with younger women, as long as the women is not crazy younger I feel it's a better match too. Both the women and man many times are happier.

It's not that women here have it so much better then in Asia and that's why you see older men with younger women, it goes back in their culture a long way, or culture is actually the younger one people, we're 200 years old, the Chinese are 5000 years old, so ISA China is actually the more mature country and when I look at how Americans and our country believe I believe it too!!! I realize allot of American gals do not like this one bit, but it seems to be a trend.

[isa.how]

Men don't always make good decisions either, apparently you are on that list.

If I don't like what you write, I will comment on it. If you are not peddling nice guys finish last, why did you start your initial response to the OP by saying that women love assholes? All women this and that...how the heck do you know? Have you met all women?

Have the balls to stick to one opinion Mr. not-so-happy.

Mr. Happy - used to like your opinions, now you are just nuts

"here in the US you are and will see more and more older men with younger women, as long as the women is not crazy younger I feel it's a better match too. Both the women and man many times are happier. "

that's actually NOT true - the happiest couples are within 5 years of each other and share the commonality of growing up in the same era - MANY studies have been done to show this.

why do YOU feel it's a better match? i completely disagree. when i was young and went out only a couple times with older guys, they TOTALLY were not on my wavelength. Now that i am older I still have seen that the best companionship is with men more or less my own age

[Trixie]

Moxie, love the SAD comment!!!! Will definitely use that one from now on...

[Regretting It]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I spent the weekend with an old high school friend whose attitude is "no bullshit, no drama, no gossip allowed." It was refreshing. So refreshing. I'd forgotten what a mature relationship could be.

Another thing is, one of the most well-adjusted people I've ever known (a co-worker) confided in me today that she periodically goes to therapy. It solidified my decision to seek treatment, not because I think I'm crazy. I think I just have a difficult time dealing and reacting to emotions and stress. I sometimes feel desperate and nervous about people, and I need to deal with that.

Sadly, I'm still in love with my ex, he's basically a good guy, but has major issues himself. Neither one of us would be much good together much less with anyone else until we both resolve our issues.

What Moxie said about the SAD, sorta. But he also has major money problems, back taxes (related to his business), child support, late cc payments, and has a disability that limits him to a major degree in what he can do in life. A simple case of SAD? Not. But then, in terms of the hot/cold behavior I would have to agree.

As for the friend, she's still contacting me and I'm trying to ease her out of my life without being a total bitch about it. Not an easy thing to do.