Evaluating The Risk

Name: starseven |  Location: Oakland , CA |Question: Dating a man with a kid:
I've recently met a man (recently divorced) who has a 4 year old. Although he doesn't live with his child, she is a priority for his free time - as she should be - and he spends most of his evenings & some weekends with her when his ex is out. He wants to develop a relationship with me, but I'm a bit apprehensive to it. He works 10-12 hrs a day with the remainder spent caring for his little one. Some nights, after his visits with his daughter, he wants to come over and see me, but to start an evening at 9/9:30pm doesn’t work for me as I have a crazy job & start my days at 5am (hey, I like my sleep). When I'm exclusively involved with someone, I like to spend a lot of time with them. Naturally, this is a potential problem for us as time is pretty limited. The bigger problem is that I REALLY like him, so I'm stuck. Do I forfeit the relationship because of this or risk getting more attached knowing that some of my basic needs probably won't be met? |Age: 37

This is a battle between your heart and your head, with a tad bit of your self-esteem thrown in. You like this guy. But you know that he can not offer much. What's really making this situation difficult is that you're lonely and you like the idea of having a companion and someone to spend time with.

You know what the right thing to do is. But your fear that you'll never meet anyone else, coupled with your feelings for this guy, are what are keeping you "stuck."

You're wrong. You're not stuck. Stuck would be if you fell in love with this guy and had to decide whether or not to stick around knowing that your needs are not being met. Right now, you can control just how "stuck" you get.  Can you compromise your needs for the time being until this guy gets more invested and can make more time for you? If not, then you need to take care of yourself and detach.

Just keep something in mind. I'm all for advising people to take care of themselves and do what's best for them. However, make sure that your expectations are appropriate. Most people when they first start dating usually only see each other once or twice a week anyway, one of those times being on weekends. So it's possible that maybe you're just getting a little antsy and want this guy to meet your expectations right away and therefore getting frustrated unnecessarily. It's hard not to get anxious and want to see more and more of someone that we really like. But just because you have that need  doesn't mean that this guy should be expected to meet it on your time table. Just some food for thought.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[VJ]

Here's the thing guys. According to the US Census, by age 37, 70-80% of men & women have either been already married or in a serious multi year relationship with some cohabitation. So Most people Your age SS, will have significant 'baggage'. Again, strangely enough, for the entire US population, Most will either have kids or significant entanglements with aged parents, siblings needing care or 'others'. It's as simple as that. Reality Bites.

We all know that this may seem less than satisfactory. We can all appreciate that we want all the focus of attention to be on us Exclusively at least at the start of a relationship. But this is less and less possible today for several reasons. Work & job related time stress being principal among these. Most people are simply working longer and harder than ever before. No one has the time for dating. many people are working more than 11-12Hrs a day. On more than 1-2 jobs too. It's often the only way to keep your head above water.

So Yes, time is always limited. And Yes, for most parents (the good ones at least) the kids will always take priority. This is as it should be too. Does this mean that 'your needs don't get met'? Probably not if you can be inventive enough to try and communicate to him about this and spell out what you think you need, what, when & where and how you think you can come to some sort of accommodation on the schedule. I've got to tell you, often in the big city folks don't make it 'back home' until late, and things get started a bit later. Sure this may mean that special nights out will require more & better planning & a baby sitter in there somewhere. It also may mean that you 'get busy' doing what you want to do in about 2hr time frame. (Just like in HS, remember?)

So there's plenty that can and might be done. But it's not the 'impossible dream'. If you Really like the guy, give it a chance to work out. I know that's risky & risky sounding. But a man, a Real man & a good father to his children is hard to find. Truly. So like Mox, I'm hopeful something will happen to for you to be able to be more comfortable with what time you have together. It's not like he's Vito Fossela with an entire separate secret 2nd family now, right? Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[trouble]

As a single mom with two kids, this is an issue that I am very familiar with. I have 100% custody of my daughter, 75% custody of my son, and a busy travel schedule for work (when I travel, I pay my nephew to stay with my teenage daughter and my son stays with his dad). That means that spending time with my kids far and away trumps spending time with significant others. It also means that I have to plan in advance to date. Weekend sleepovers? Have to plan those months in advance, or at least A MONTH.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, has a full-time job starting his own company, active in the American Legion, and is a naval officer (reserves). He also did a stint in Iraq a year ago, and could go back.

How does it work? We make it work. I don't see him every day, or even every other day. I'll take a two-hour lunch with him today and then, tomorrow and the rest of the weekend, he'll have reserves and I'll have the kids. He never spends the night when my kids are there, but we are both VERY flexible if, at a last minute's notice, time opens up for either of us (usually me). So, for the past two months, we have been looking forward to my kids going to their grandma's house for two weeks in June because we'll have two whole weekends to spend together, which will be the most time we've spent together in 6 months of dating.

Wouldn't work for everyone, does work for us.

You have to basically figure out how much you can handle seeing him/not seeing him, and where you can fit time together in the nooks and crannies, and how you can prioritize concentrated lumps of time together.

[trouble]

Also? Get good at phone sex. It helps in between when you are strung all over the world and separated with just a phone line to connect you.

[dusktilldawn]

It's rare that you find someone who has all these great qualities and are passionate about. Stick with him and make it work out. Every situation is never going to be 100% perfect. Do what you can and work out some planned time for you both.

[willie]

If you stay with this guy, you will be compromising on your ideal. You will be settling. But get this, EVERYONE settles in some way. There is no perfect person. A different guy that you like in many ways may not have quite the look you prefer, or may not make much money, or remember your birthday, or whatever. This guy is good in other ways, but has less free time than you'd like. So, realizing that this guy's situation is not ideal, is he a better or worse proposition than guys you heve been with in the past and/or are likely to meet at this point in your life? That's the only thing you need to answer.

[OhRick]

Starseven...

Why all the angst?

You like him, so enjoy him! Why try to project the prospect of a deeper relationship, until you have one? Is this what you always do?

Do you have room in your heart and life for his daughter? Do you have the desire and ability to work within his schedule, as it now stands? Is once a week, with a few stolen evenings, too little for you to appreciate?

Could YOU use a little companionship with a man you like?

You like to pour yourself in to a relationship (…how's that been working for you?) Perhaps, this time around it would be better for you to have some built-in restrictions that would require you to take your time? Maybe it's time to go slower and let things develop mutually... if at all? Friend, lover or more… you might just come away with a good man in your life, an intimate and close friend… they are hard enough to come by, under any circumstances.

Believe me, he's in a rough situation, doing the right thing, and probably not thinking of beginning a heavy involvement at this juncture in his life. Would he still enjoy your companionship, when able? Of course! Would you? That's all you really have to concern yourself with. You are further complicating, what is a simple reality… He's a single parent, who works a lot. He likes you, desires you, and is seeking you out.

Obviously, you already have a good idea of what you have in him. If your curious, stay and play! You don't have to fall in love with him? You could just fall... madly in like?

Seeing him occasionally, doesn't mean you have to be exclusive or completely invested. If you know in advance that his issues are deal-breakers, and you don't think you can handle just being friends... then be honest with yourself, and do this man a favor and move on! Besides, it's not like he has a lot of time to chase other women? He already has one female in his life. So, you can certainly go as slow as you want with him. He won't mind.

Know thyself!

He's a man. He needs female companionship and with all that entails. Your a big girl and understand all the dynamics in play. I'm sure you have needs, as well. Can you give up a little sleep, on occasion? Can you just be friends? Do you like him that much?

Relax, it's just a boyfriend. At 37, you should be able to play-out all the possible scenarios with him, so pick the one that works for you! (You're the one in the drivers seat!) Life is too short... to over-complicate a normal boy/girl attraction with a few extra challenges involved.

Half empty or half full?

[A Tree in the Forest]

Something isn't sitting right with me. I was a single dad with full custody of my son between his age of 20 months to 9 years old when I remarried, and again from 15-18 following that divorce. During those years, I would definitely "make" time for a woman I was interested in, partly for my own sanity of having adult companionship (outside of work) and partly because I wanted a mate that could contribute to a more traditional family environment for my son. It seems to me that this guy, having the luxury of being a non-custodial parent, should easily be able to make time to be with you if he is truly interested. You should have a non-confrontational but frank discussion with him about your needs in the relationship. And, be careful of developing too strong of feelings for him until his actions speak louder than words. Good luck.

[Debbie]

I have been in a relationship now for 1 year with a 46 year old man who has sole custody of his 2 kids. They are 10 and 13. In all this time I have seen him maybe 8 times.

He travels quite a bit and also coaches the kids BBall team.

I know he likes me a lot and we have a great time together and great sex, but he obviously does not think I'm the one. So I decided to stick around and enjoy his company when I can. However my ego does suffer. I think if I was the one he'd try to make more time for me and try to include me in their lives. I like him so much it breaks my heart but this is the way it is.

I am moving to another city and this will end when I leave but I will never get invovled with another man who has full custody of his kids

Debbie,
You've seen him 8 times in one year!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That is NOT a relationship.

[OhRick]

Sure, it's a relationship! The kind many men would probably prefer.

Men, rarely feel the need to qualify what they do... women, almost always, feel the need to rationalize and justify everything.

We are very different.

[KSR]

How long has he been divorced? The reason I ask is if it's been less than a year, watch for signs that he's not over it. I learned the hard way that dating people who are not over their divorce means they may not have much to give you--other than sex--because they are a mess, themselves. This applies to men who would otherwise be good partners.

If you're sure he's over it and you know he's an uncommonly great guy, I would see where it goes. If you can keep other options open for a while, I would do that. A good man is hard to find, and it might help you make your decision if you are also dating men who don't have children. In my experience, a lot of guys that look good on paper (single, no dependents, high earners, etc.) often have other issues that prevent a healthy relationship from forming. And, if you and this guy find yourselves something good that could last, he will introduce you to his child at a reasonable time and then his time might not be so divided.

As some others have said, if you are someone who doesn't keep up your friendships and outside interests when you get in a relationship, this may be an opportunity. This time, you could have a relationship that is a part of a balanced life instead of at the absolute center of it from the get go. That helps foster relationship longevity and a healthy existence regardless of how you love life unfolds.

[Debbie]

Yeah, I know it's not really a relationship or not a typical one. We always stay in touch and most of the time we are planning to get together and then life intervenes and we have to postpone so I wind up seeing him once a month if lucky. Yes, it's a great relationship for him. He gets his needs met and offers very little in return. I don't blame him, his kids come first and his job second and me third or fouth. My point was that unless the OPs guy feels she is important enough then she will wind up in the sort of involvement I am in where she is sad and resentful and horny half the time.

I have a high sex drive and haven't really wanted to sleep around so it's been difficult. And I'm kind of sorry now I let this go on ebcause I've become sort of attached

[isa.how]

Debbie, get out there and find someone else. I have a friend who put up with similar behavior from a guy for three whole years. She finally dumped him and guess what? A few months later she met a great guy. This dude washes her clothes, rubs her tummy when she has cramps and cooks for her too.

[Average Joe, aka Are you on Crack??]

Okay, to comment on a few of your responses here:

-I have to disagree with A Tree in The Forest here, and say that I think that the OP's guy not having custody makes it harder for him to see see Her. I am a single dad, and have had full custody of my two kids for over 6 years now. I have them/see them all the time, so it's easier for me to justify being able to set Tuesdays aside for someone I want to date, or Fridays, or whatever. For a dad who truely wants to see their kids and doesn't have custody, you can best believe he's taking every chance he gets to spend time with his kid. I know I would.

-Second is Debbie, your guy unfortunately for you has decided you're not the one for him, and thus not making you a big part of his life, but I don't see that being something to look out for in a guy who has custody of his kids. If someone likes you, they like you and you'll know it, and see them much more than 8 times a year.
Ok, that's it for me. I think these are the most normal comments I've posted on here all year. Yikes!

[hb]

It's true that as we get older and continue dating, each person has more baggage (both psychologically and practically). I think what makes the difference is in how each person handles the baggage and makes adjustments and priorities. Be realistic, but be open and versatile too.

From your letter, it sounds like you have fears and doubts (which I think are only natural in the beginning). If you like him that much, why don't you give it a couple of months? If it doesn't work out, then you won't always be wondering "what if" or you could continue dating other people and see how that goes too....Good luck!

[Kegs]

"Debbie, You've seen him 8 times in one year!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That is NOT a relationship."

Completely agree, sorry but once every 2 months for sex is more of a fuck buddy. You need to realise how little you mean to him and get out before you get hurt waiting around for him anymore (or just use him for sex, as he is).

Starseven - it's a hard one to advise on. Me? I couldn't do it. It is hard enough to keep momentum going and build something up anyway, if your free times are at completely different times of the day and then what non-work days you both have are taken up by something else (the child in his case)? It's going to be rough. But then the good men are hard to come by, so if you really like him, just keep at it - you will know if and when the time comes and you have had enough.

I went on one date with a guy recently, and he wants to meet again but we just are never free at same time. He wants to meet at weekend when I am out with friends, I am free every weeknight but he never is (or hasn't been for 2 weeks now). And at the beginning, I'm just not invested enough to want to put so much work into finding time - once a week at the beginning is nice, once it goes to every 2 weeks, I get bored. So good on you if you can stick this one out!

[dangerous curves]

I'm with tree in the forest.
There's no reason a 4 year old needs company 'till 9 or 9:30 every night. This man has set his priorities and they are not you. I've seen other women in this situation,it's hard to say "spend less time with your kid", but if a man wants a relationship he will find ways to make it work.
If he had to go away on business, if he had a doctor appointment, if he had a work function, he would most likely find time even if it meant an evening away from his child.
Maybe he is in a power struggle with the ex-wife.
This is not however something you can haggle over.
I think sometimes men use parenthood as a buffer against women. It's a fail-safe excuse to avoid intimacy.
Look for someone who meets your needs.

[mr-halood feel they do not get enough attention ppy]

I was in a similar situation recently [she had a 6 year old & 12 hour days]. We were both very attracted to each other but I opted not to continue the relationship because both me and the women are looking for a ltr/marraige and I didn't see myself with her ltr or getting the attention I felt I need in a relationship and I am willing to give more then I get. I saw myself living with her at some point with the 6 year old, and considering some men who have child of their own blood feel they do not always get the attention they need from their women I realized this situation would just not work for me and I find that every time I feel I will never meet another person I always do, so I decided if I might be with someone for a while why not stick it out for someone who is better for me. Don't fold just because your worried you'll be alone. A relationship can and does end many times suddenly and unexpectedly, so get used to the fact love is NOT for ever and sometimes not even for that long - grin -.

I would advise you NOT to get involved any further, unless your happy with only getting a much smaller portion of time with a man you may develop feelings for then you might get from a truly single man. Your telling yourself it's ok perhaps because you don't think you will find someone else.

I don't think you are being picky, your just realizing you can't get as much of your needs met as you need to be happy and secure, also keep in mind people often do more in the begining so this is likely as good as it gets sweetie...

Good luck and go for what you want, not just what you think you can get...There are plenty of single men with no kids. Sorry but unfortunately kids do severely limit romantic relationships and that's a fact from what I can see. If children can sometimes cause the end of a relationship it's a warning to all those not ready for the extra baggage...

[Andreius]

I'm single dad - I love my kid so much - he is My Jesus and savior of my soul, but love one girl madly and SURELY can find the time for her ,even if it means I have to splurge in babysitter, I mean, the time flies and it's either nirvana or why bother? Screw the what if's and maybe's - go bold and feel how it is, reality actions usually give you better answers than in your head before you even try them... hope I've made sense.