He Can't Get Out of His Head In Bed

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Name: Seeking Advice | | Location: Los Angeles , CA |Question: Hi, I’m 21 years old and I’ve been dating my 22 year-old boyfriend for about 6 months now. Our relationship is by and large fantastic, this is the strongest connection I’ve ever felt with someone and he told me he feels the same. It just feels great to be with him. The one snag we have is in our sex life and I’d really like advice on it. My bf has a problem staying hard during intercourse I’ve known about this problem from the very beginning. He was very open about it with me and it seems, with himself. He started going to a therapist to fix the problem but once he graduated school, he no longer had insurance so can't afford to go. He describes the problem as a combination of focusing too much on his constant back and joint pain (he says he tires easily), having a less sensitive penis (he thinks this may have to do with a traumatic penis operation he had in Russia when he was 5), fear of going soft that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and generally being too much in his head. Do any of these reasons seem valid to you? From what we’ve talked about, it seems to me like he started having sex as a teenager out of peer pressure, not because he wanted to and perhaps before he was ready. Could that have something to do with this problem? He also told me he hasn't really experienced intimacy before me. We have had many wonderful and really hot evenings going down on each other. He says he was never able to enjoy receiving head before me and he says that he is definitely enjoying sex more now. And I am really happy about that. We’ve found that he can finish during intercourse when we do it doggy-style. But even lately that hasn’t been a constant. I usually have to finish him off orally. It’s getting frustrating for me because I really like some variety with sex and I’m starting to lose interest in it myself if it seems like he can’t enjoy it. My strategy up until now has been to take it easy, create
a no pressure situation where we just enjoy each other, no matter what we’re doing. It has helped and I've been able to stay in that mindset but it seems like we're getting to a point where something more needs to be done. He's told me it still bothers him that he can't have sex like a "normal person". It really does seem like we have this connection but then why can’t he get out of his head during intercourse? I’m wondering if you or any of your readers have any experiences with this sort of problem and advice to offer. I’d really appreciate the help. |Age: 21

 

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[VJ]

Again this sounds like a fairly complicated issue that's best left to some site with more of a focus on particular physical issues like DrRuth.com.

Still given the short review of info you've provided it's reasonably clear that he's had a fairly traumatic childhood filled with either serious injuries & possible penile scaring as result of poor surgical results, and some chronic arthritis or non specific pain to contend with on top of all this. This is nothing to sneeze at, and your approach while Generally very helpful, may not be exactly all that he needs at the moment.

Again this understandable apprach is usually very useful, but as you've noted, it may need some augmentation: "My strategy up until now has been to take it easy, create a no pressure situation where we just enjoy each other, no matter what we’re doing. It has helped and I've been able to stay in that mindset but it seems like we're getting to a point where something more needs to be done".

So the simplest step forward is to see if any of the Viagra like drugs on the market may be able to help him here. There's a few of them with slightly different actions, and he may have to try several before he knows which may work best for him. This would require a Doc visit, but not a complicated one at first, but it does sound as if he's got a rather involved & complex medical history.

Again the best guess anyone might make from the description and your ages would suggest more of a physical basis for his issues here. Chronic Pain alone can create many performance problems, and not just with sex! So once the body might begin to feel a bit better, the head will follow. This really does not sound like a psychiatric issue that might have accrued in an older guy, but untreated this certainly could be a substantial risk.

So he really needs to see a good doc, and perhaps they can sort out what all is going on. That may take some time and certainly some 'scratch'. In the meantime, you may be able to see if anyone friendly can prescribe the 'fun pills' on a short term basis to see if that might improve matters just a bit for your immediate issues with sex. But yes, ultimately, it's all connected to his overall well being & health, and he sounds plenty hurt and banged up from something.

Just a few thoughts. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[mr-happy]

Some Questions:

Can he get hard and successfully jerk-off, if he can there is NO physically problem, it's all confidence, comfort and experience.

I assume there is plenty of foreplay, in fact it sounds like that's about it and oral.

Here may not possibly be as attracted to you as you think could be another issue.

If he can't get hard for himself ever with no one around then he may well have a physical problem, if this is the case there are treatments available assuming there is not major damage to his systems down there.

I think if a man is married to a women or in a long LTR and there was once great sex, she will stick around even if the sex stops for some reason, at your age if he can't get hard for you and the treatments don't help then the likely and sad outcome is probably you breaking up with him which I imagine would be hard because it would hurt for him allot most likely.

I think the pain alone unless it's constant is not the real reason he is having problems, you guys could do it with him on his back, that operation sounds like maybe there was some damage to him, but only a doctor can say for sure. again can he get and stay hard at anytime, the best test is if he wakes up at any point in the night hard [many men wake up hard briefly until they empty their bladders].

I knew a friend of mine who said she had a great looking boyfriend, but for some reason he could never get it up for her, and eventually she had to break up with him, she gave him 6 months, then she couldn't do it anymore. A previous girlfriend shared how upsetting it is for women at times if a men can not get hard at all for her, I can imagine what that feels like.

It's always sad when you have almost everything you want in a relationship, but something is missing. On the other you are so young this was likely not your last relationship anyway.

A girl your age frankly, and please do not take this the wrong way or as a lude comment for it is only meant in a supportive way [needs to get herself rocked by a guy to really feel satisfied, and sadly that is not happening right now.] You sort of in a hard situation, but I hope he gets some help it sounds like time is running out!

Best of luck to you both.

[Trixie]

Sorry, but I'll keep this short and sweet. I am only going on what you said, and the DS thing stood out for me. HE'S GAY!!!!!

He's never gonna be into you all the way because he wants a man more. Just being honest based on personal and close friends experiences over the years. I always get so turned off when I hear about men that only like it DS! His background may have a lot to do with him staying in the closest. That and he's still really young, as you are, so he may not be totally sure of his sexuality yet.

I wouldn't waste my time on a romantic relationship with him. Let him know it's too much for you and stay friends. Please don't waste your prime years being a sex therapist. You deserve the whole package.

[Trixie]

And another thing, funny how his back pain isn't an issue when you do it DS! Umm, isn't that one of the positions that is the most work for a man? My BS radar is on full blast with this guy!

[Blume]

Please, please don't listen to the people saying that he's gay or he's not attracted to you. Are those things possibilities? Sure. They always are. (Although I don't see any sure tipoffs to them in what you've written.) There are many possible reasons for the problems your guy is having, several of which you mentioned in your description of the situation. I'll second VJ in saying he needs to get himself to a good doctor, one who will listen to all of his concerns, and take both mental and physical factors into account.

[Crotch Rocket]

"He describes the problem as a combination of focusing too much on his constant back and joint pain (he says he tires easily), having a less sensitive penis (he thinks this may have to do with a traumatic penis operation he had in Russia when he was 5)" These are serious medical issues that he needs a doctor (or two) to assist him with in person. I understand he doesn't have insurance, but check around for insurance online, social programs your city/county/state may run, free clinics, etc. that may be able to help out at a reduced cost. These problems will _not_ go away without treatment and could easily explain his problems.

"fear of going soft that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy" Viagra/Cialis/etc. can help with this, if that's all it ends up being. And, as he gets used to his equipment working again and his confidence climbs, he can cut back the dosage. Since he doesn't have insurance, buying online may be his cheapest option, but it's still not cheap.

"he started having sex as a teenager out of peer pressure, not because he wanted to and perhaps before he was ready. Could that have something to do with this problem?" Um, no. Men are "ready" to have sex the day puberty starts. Unless he was sexually abused before that age, the problem is not in that direction.

"Can he get hard and successfully jerk-off, if he can there is NO physically problem, it's all confidence, comfort and experience." Not entirely true. The sensations from jacking off are stronger (a fist is tighter than any vagina) and don't require a man to maintain a full erection like sex does. It also doesn't trigger any back problems the guy has.

"HE'S GAY!!!!!" Um, the guy has back injuries and some botched penile operation in a third world country. Those things are far more likely to be the cause of these issues than him being gay. (Not that I can completely rule it out, but I see nothing that would lead me to think that's what it is.)

"funny how his back pain isn't an issue when you do it DS!" Actually, that's not working well anymore either.

"Umm, isn't that one of the positions that is the most work for a man?" It requires a different type of work that puts less stress on the arms and back but more on the knees and hips. I've had serious back issues since my teens and doggie style is _much_ easier for me -- unless my old knee injury is acting up (rare), in which case I prefer cowgirl. It's unusual for someone to have physical problems that are significant enough to affect sex at only 22, but it's not impossible and becomes more and more likely over the years.

[Hollie]

Poor thing! I feel your pain. But, you're way too young to be experiencing this now. You have another 17 years to have to analyze what is going on with the guy you're dating. I am not a sex therapist, however, I do have a psychology degree with a few human sexuality classes under my belt and the only advise I can offer is this...do not think his problem is about you. It isn't! Do you hear me? Do not start blaming yourself at all. Also, you are way too young to try to figure out his problem. You should be keeping your options open at your age. Would you really want this to be your life? I'm 38 and dated a guy with the same exact problem (he was 39) and he explained it the same way and you know what, it ended in 3 months. Not that I wasn't patient or understanding, but because I could not see this situation being my life. You mentioned he is in therapy, which is a good start. I think you two should be friends and allow him to deal with his problem. If this situation is frustrating to you, imagine how he feels.

[VJ]

Yeah of course there's always the '8 Bells' solution here too, right? Geesh people, you're ALL going to get old and perhaps have some disabilities too. I hope you have a sympathetic partner then. Really. Cheers, 'VJ'

[Himself]

Back pain,joint pain, erectile dysfunction and no insurance? Sounds like you are dating my great Grandfather.....

[Edward]

You sound great and a true friend. But be a friend to your self first and find your self a new Chap.
You can still support him but this is way too much for you to take on at this time in your life. You can deal with all those things when your husband is in his 50/60/70s and you have the time. This is the time to have some fun and figure your life out not someone elses.

[ShyGal]

First of all, there's no reason from anything you say to think he is gay. Lots of very straight men enjoy DS sex for all different reasons, including that it allows them to penetrate deeper and more sensation. Issues with sexual performance happen to men of all sexualities.

If you really love this guy and really want to make your relationship work, keep in mind none of these issues are ones that are going to get fixed in a few weeks. You need to start having open communication with him that things aren't working for you, but that you want to work with him to make it work. He should see a medical doctor to make sure there's no physical problem. (Not having insurance is a horrible idea, so encourage him to either pay for some or get a job that offers it.) Beyond that, the two of you can go to therapy together to work on this, but above all, you will have to be willing to be patient because it could take a long time (if ever) for him to change. You may have to accept that this guy has limitations and that sex between you two may never follow the scripts you are used to.

If you don't think you can ever learn to be happy with the kinds of sex that you will have with this guy and/or aren't in love with him enough to make a serious commitment to finding sexual solutions that satisfy you both, your relationship with this guy is not going to work out in the long run, and you should end it. (No one would blame you for walking - it's a difficult situation that many women would not want to take on.)

[OhRick]

21?

I hope you are not considering marriage with ANYONE, at such a tender age? You have many more frogs to kiss... say, until your at (or near) 30? And my compliments to your instinctive sensitivity, towards your lover… over a more pejorative response.

While erectile dysfunction can affect any man, at any age (and for a multitude of reasons) his youth would indicate psychological factors, primarily.

That being said… Get thee to a Urologist! They will perform specific nerve test and an ultrasound procedure to examine for any circulatory issues, which may have been the result of the aforementioned penile trauma. Use a county facility, if necessary. Horrid, as they can be; they will usually work with your ability to pay.

His willingness to seek solutions, will also serve to measure his considerations for you! Work on the workable... modify what you cant... adjust to what you are willing, and be honest with yourself (and him) over what you cannot, or will not tolerate.

Most likely this procedure will require using a micro-fine needle - similar to ones used for daily insulin delivery - to inject a chemical that would give a cadaver an erection. The injection site will be administered into one of the spongy chambers that run the length of the shaft, on both sides of the penis. It is the same chemical that has worked for older men with severe ED, that fails to respond to Viagra style pharmaceuticals, or who have a cancerous prostate removed. Often, with erection defeating nerve damage.

Once any physical issues have been ruled out, there remains the more age-appropriate psychological ones. Naturally, this is a Pandora's Box of possibilities… from gender and preference questioning, to response issues of pain distraction, to what turns him on when the usual suspects are inconsistent.

Since he has some experience with the therapy process, does he speak of it on any level?

You suggest, he responds well to fellatio? So, it's a given he has some stimulation and distraction issues. Nothing is more overtly stimulating to a mans phallus than oral-genital stimulation. Besides the physical aspect, it provides a visual-psychological one, as well! If he maintains a full-erection throughout your administration. I would suggest more of a mental stimulation issue.

If he has a penile sensitivity issue, as he mentioned to you… he would probably take longer to reach climax… is that the case? Assuming you have accumulated some baseline comparisons in your still exploratory years… would you say he reaches orgasm quickly, or only after your jaw is falling off?

Another issue is one of excessive porn? There are men, who are experiencing numerous physical and mental issues from overindulgence. Too much masturbation will desensitize his penis, making it more difficult to obtain and maintain an erection. Add to that... the often unrealistic visual stimulation presented, and it becomes a potent mix of exaggerated expectations that few women could compete with.

You certainly sound adventurous enough, is he pushing your sexual boundaries further? Is he suggesting more aurally or visually stimulating behavior? Always needing more to get-off?

Personally, I would enjoy your relationship for what you find rewarding. Be encouraging and sensitive, as you appear to be, and do NOT be exclusive! You are TOO young to have a long-term, overly serious relationship with any man. You still have no idea what you want, need, or what it takes. It's not a condemnation… just the same wisdom I try to impart to my own (21 year-old) twin daughters.

This is, more than likely, not the frog you will be making tadpoles with. (Still, watch for warts?)

Good luck!