Like a Virgin

Name: babk  | Location: Chicago  , Illinois |Question: I was reading the blog about the woman who was a "tease" and could relate to why this woman might back off from getting physical too fast. I'm a 26 year old virgin, and I'm sure that the way I act makes guys think I'm a tease and not worth the effort.  I was a very shy teen-ager and wasn't really comfortable enough with myself to date and be physical with someone else until I was out of college.  I'm not really sure when and how to bring up the fact that I've never had sex, with someone that I am dating.  Everytime I've approached the subject it hasn't gone well.  If I bring it up in the first couple of dates, then the guy bails because he doesn't want the added pressure of being someone's first when we've barely gotten to know each other.  If I wait until later..when we are already starting to get physical in other ways then the guy is annoyed because he thinks he's been led on.  I really feel ready to have sex, but since I've waited I want it to be with someone I care about and who is actually interested in having a relationship with me.  I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to meet someone who is willing to de-virginize me and then stick around afterwards. |Age: 26

You say you want your first time to be special and with someone you care about. So,  it sounds like you are actually weeding out the guys you don't want. Because a guy who cares for you will not let your virgin status be a deterrent.

I'm going to say this and it might be a bit controversial. Maybe, just maybe....don't tell them. I can understand why a guy wouldn't want to be your first and I don't think it makes him a bad person. It is a big responsibility. So, maybe take your time deciding if a certain guy is the right one and have sex and then tell them later. Like, much later. If you wrote in and asked me if you should tell a guy that you've had 100 partners, I'd say no. So I'm kind of thinking that I'd give you the same advice in this situation. It's really none of his business how many people you've slept with, even if that number is zero.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[michelle]

Ummm...if she is a virgin, the guy is gonna know at the moment of penetration.

I had sex for the first time at the age of 25. I told the guy upfront. He was nervous, but made every effort to make my first time special.

The right guy will not bail on you.

If you're trying to weed out the bad guys, keep doing whay tou're doing. It's working so far, and the act itself will be anti-climactic for you - pun intended (especially the first time). At least you don't have to worry about pregnancy, STDs, or someone using you just for sex. Take your time, grasshopper. Like OhRick said, "When the lady is ready, the gentleman will appear." :)

[Denver Dan]

Let me play devil's advocate for a second. Does the first time really matter that much? I mean we're conditioned to think it's supposed to be special blah blah blah but for many people it isn't. Why do you set your first time expectations this way? Conditioning?

For girls it hurts, for both it's extra messy and clumsy. For most people they haven't talked to this person for years. Just saying keep your expectations lower about your first time and you might be better off and not a virgin for another 5 years.

Looking back, the first time isn't that big of a deal now. I'd guess many people would agree with me on that too, in hindsight.

[griffin]

"Ummm...if she is a virgin, the guy is gonna know at the moment of penetration."

Not necessarily. Probably not even half the time, if the woman has been vigorously physically active, or used tampons, or a vibrator. The presence or absence of the hymen is not a reliable indicator.

[hb]

It's not as a crazy as it sounds to be a 26 year old virgin. If you are seriously intent on having your first experience with someone who actually "cares about you and wants a relationship with you", then wait it out longer.

But it probably is best to discuss it with the guy you are dating exclusively a month or so into dating. You will know what kind of guy you are dealing with, at least...... The sexy undiscovered nerd may be your best bet. Just someone that you've grown to care for and trust. A carefree player would definitely be bad news for you. Good luck, girl.

[A Tree in the Forest]

I think everyone remembers their first time and with whom the rite of passage occured, assuming they were sober. Babk, take your time finding the right guy because he'll always be in your memory. I've only deflowered one girl that I know of--back in high school--and she specifically asked me to do the honors (we're still platonic friends today). The added pressure coupled with her inexperience diminished my pleasure enough that I later passed up a "sure lay" with a girl I was 99% sure was a virgin. I wan't interested in a long term relationship with her, so I can understand why some guys don't want that responsibility.

Although I admit a macho pride that I had the opportunity, I think any guy with a reasonable amount of sensitivity is going to recognize the significance of your first time and want to make it tender and special for you. That argues for telling him beforehand. If instead, you find a hunk and you just want to get it over, take Moxie's advice but prepare for a shock. Guys in your age range tend to be in a rush, are still learning technique, and might not be all that concerned about your needs in the absense of knowledge about the situation. Maybe a compromise is to say, just before penetration, "please be gentle... I don't have much experience." Afterward, you can admit how little experience you had. Good luck.

[Craig]

I agree with Moxie here. I couldn't have worded it any better than she did. "Babk", there's no need to tell anyone of your virgtin status. Would you feel the need to go around telling people the number of partners you've had if the amount was a more "conventional" number for your age? Probably not. You're goal isn't to find someone to de-virginize you. It's to find someone who sincerely cares about you and expresses it by making love to you. Leave your experience level out of it. Though it could be fun to reveal the truth after the fact down the road, ultimately how many sexual partners you've had is no one's business whether the number is 100...or 0.

[VJ]

If you're a virgin for sheer lack of opportunity and disinclination, (shy & a bit scared perhaps), and it's not religiously based as part of what you believe, then Mox is probably right here.

The rest of the posters have good suggestions too, but stats show that you're not alone and perhaps upwards of 20% of women your age are virgins or have very little sexual experience. See: Guttmacher.org here. (Virgin being a term of art, meaning many different things to many people). So you're not alone.

Naturally, you're being cautious about who you're dating, and using protection too, is important & smart. (You can start learning about the saftey & pregnancy prevention issues here: PPFA.org [http://www.plannedparenthood.org/] . But when to break it to anyone is a moot point. If he's the right guy, he'll either understand, or he'll be a poor example for all the subsequent guys who follow. It can be a nice & pleasantly memorable moment, but it's rarely as monumental as it used to be depicted in stories & literature.

So I'd try and read up on what to expect & how to 'play safe' and just plunge in so to speak. This is a far different sort of situation that the prior poster who not only was older (~7Yrs), but Did in fact act like a CT.

Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[Roxy]

I waited until I was almost 22 to have sex and the guy was one of my good friends. He and I had hooked up on and off during college, when we saw each other. (We went to different schools). In the meantime we were free to do as we please, but kept in touch via AIM.

One time we got together and were hooking up and then something clicked in my head that I wanted him to be my first. He made sure it was what I wanted, and then he made sure I was comfortable the whole time. We're still friends all these years later but are in our own great relationships.

It worked for me, so maybe consider the men in your life who already do care about you.

[michelle]

I really agree with Roxy. Choose a male friend. It could make the experience a lot of fun, even if it is physically painful and/or there is no 'screaming orgasm'. LOL.

Griffin, a man's penis is generally bigger than a tampon. The hymen isn't always the issue. It's the 'pushing a camel through the eye of the needle' that's painful.

trust me on this one.

[mysterygirl!]

I agree with Moxie and Craig. Unless you think that a guy's reaction to your virginity is serving as a useful screening process, it probably isn't necessary to tell him. I also like A Tree in the Forest's idea of saying "I'm a little inexperienced" if that seems like good middle ground.

Everyone's first time is different. I didn't experience any pain and my partner never knew I was a virgin, so it won't necessarily be obvious, especially if (sorry to be graphic) you've had fingers or a vibrator there before. I think that the tough part is actually finding the guy whom you want to be with, so I'd focus on that rather than on a disclosure that's totally optional. Good luck, and have fun!

[griffin]

"Griffin, a man's penis is generally bigger than a tampon. The hymen isn't always the issue. It's the 'pushing a camel through the eye of the needle' that's painful. trust me on this one."

I won't get into the pros and cons of penis size, I'm just saying that the first time isn't necessarily the physical "big moment" experience it's hyped to be, for either party. And I'm going by my own experience, not having had penetrative sex until I was in my 20s myself: like mysterygirl, I didn't experience any pain and my partner wasn't aware that I'd been a virgin until I told him afterwards.

[rick]

it's testament to what a pathetic culture we live in if this woman cannot find someone to take her virginity. wow. you would think that normally this woman would be coveted..I have dated and had sex with two virgins over the years and would have never have occurred to me that there was any "pressure" involved on my end. is it that big of a deal to be conscience of hwat you are doing? this is the first time in a while that I am actually shocked at what I have read on this blog.

but not telling the guy is also a bad idea- and while you have been saving yourself you might as well get it from a decent person that knows what they are doing. given the post and what I hear from women those guys are few and far between.

[amen]

I say that's the good way to do it is to tell the guys. Be upfront there's already too much guessing with dating so why not be open?

Sex is a natural part of life, why can't we talk about it openly? If they can't handle it then they can't, if they can, they can, at least you would both know what's going on.

Sometimes we make it harder than it is, having sex for the first time isn't a big deal, it's not the movies. I don't remember mines that much, it was just a part of my experience as a human.

A woman I was once interested in had a whole scenario planned out, how she would lose her freedom, has to invest in a relationship which may not work out, how she wouldn't be able to pursue her career etc.. she winded up freaking out because she didn't want to have sex because all those things were going to happen. Did she have a crystal ball?

[Miki]

I, too, agree with Moxie and Craig. Very good point. It is no one's business either way.

[Edie]

I don't agree with Moxie and Craig and I think it's a bad idea not to the tell the guy. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at a slightly older age than what is typical. To me it demonstrates a certain amount of discernment and self-control. You seem to be waiting for the right person who truly cares for you. That's always a good thing. More women should do that and it would be a better world with a lot less heartache out there in the dating world. If you going to be intimate with someone and share your body, you should be able to tell them the truth about something as important as never being penetrated -- if only to make the situation a little more comfortable for yourself. And with all due respect to Moxie & Craig, revealing your status as a virgin is not the same as revealing your sexual history. A person doesn't need to know how many people you've slept with but they should be aware if this is your very first experience. That's a big difference. Keep following your instincts and you guts -- they usually don't lead you wrong and remain optimistic and hopeful that you will find someone mature and sensitive enough to communicate with honestly. There are plenty of great guys out there who would consider you something special and want to share this first experience with you.

[Cheryl]

I'm with Moxie and Craig.... its no one's business how many partners you have had. Be it zero or 150 or even 2 for that matter. Its between you and yourself. It should not matter to the person you are sleeping with or about to do the deed with.

[ahnalyst]

I know this is way WAY old school, but how about not giving into the "pressure" until you find the guy interested enough in a relationship to MARRY you? Listen to the advice that is coming up here. The first time is not only often a let down, but generally falls drastically short of any fantasy.

My wife-to-be and I, lost our virginity to each other (I was 23). It was over-rated. There are exceptions to every rule, but as a rule, it can't hardly live up to all the hype.

Now anal sex, good heavens, that's something to look forward to. Wow.
(smile)

[Ballerina Gina]

If she doesn't say anything, how would she explain any bleeding that might happen? I don't know that every girl does their first time, but I did the first AND the second go-round (granted it was the same night). Ah, college...

i did not bleed the first time i had sex. i bled 3 years later after a particularly vigorous fingering from a man with large hands. but i digress.

I broke up a 2 year relationship in part because the guy- at 25 - was a virgin when we started dating. He wanted to marry me but the thought of being his only partner was too much pressure. I imagine many people might like that distinction but having been with many partners myself, I knew the desire to experience other ppl would eventually catch up to him.
I think a friend is a good idea- get you aquainted with sex without the expectations and subsequent disappointment.

[An]

I disagree with Moxie and Craig. You yourself put so much pressure on the guy by being a virging at 26. Can you imagine what he will think if you behave not in a normal relaxed way because of it? Unless it happens suddenly, it is better to tell him if you want to be honest. Imagine if he omits some important facts about his life because "it is not your business".

From my experience with 2 virgins, I felt it well before. I was not sure, but I got some feeling. One admitted that she is a virgin several days before the intimacy, and I appreciated it although I did freak out at first. Another told me already in the bed, and that was kind of late, so I was much more worried about her and me (she did not give me any time to prepare).

[j]

You want to have you're first time with a guy and not tell him? There are a thousand reasons why this is a bad idea. I'll use a story to make my point to explain of those reasons.

When I was younger I met a beautiful young lady while were were both on vacation. We had a small level of physical contact. A little less then I would have hoped for in a scene that was hot in both senses of the word.

We stayed in touch via snail mail (early 80's) & made a plan to meet again.

We did meet & when we were alone, I immediately removed her clothes and saw her completely naked for the first time. I was enormously excited about the prospect of actually making love to her, which I had been anticipating for five months.

Then she told me "I have never done this before". Wow.

She must have turned down countless guys and decided I should be her first.

My enjoyment of that experience became a thousand time more intense than it was before she shared her secret.

That was a night I'll never forget. Her honesty made a great night so much greater.

[mr-happy]

Ahh Youth...

Take your time, and don't worry so much, remember you can never get your "zero" status back once your lose it.

I was a late bloomer myself. It seems so many women and men report that their first time sucked, but it does not have to be that way. Although for physical reasons for a women the first time maybe uncomfortable. Fr a men he has no idea what he is doing his first time in most cases...

Also when you get more experienced in the coming years you will have a better idea how to project your sexuality to the opposite sex without coming off as a tease, so certainly do not sweat that one either, you're doing fine.

Considering many women your age already have had 10+ or more partners and used them selfs up already, you should be happy that your still fresh! I was shy too, then I broke out later in life, and sexual technique and pleasing your partner is something you can learn, not always something you are borne with. Emm, I can tell many older women I dated were still very inexperienced so age does not mean that much many times. I recommend the book "sexsational secrets" by Susan Crane I believe, it's an AWASOME sex manual fo rmen and women.

Good Luck and I think it's refreshing to see a women who is 26 and hasn't done the entire football team...

And mox is right for a guy perhaps we feel a certain responsibility if we are your first. Some guys and girls don't like to be your first or even 2nd because then may feel a person could be inexperienced.

Anyway don't let the pressure get to you, and you go girl!

[Ballerina Gina]

"Considering many women your age already have had 10+ or more partners and used them selfs up already"

"I think it's refreshing to see a women who is 26 and hasn't done the entire football team..."

Used themselves up? Hasn't done the entire football team?

Do you ever read back the things that you type? The opposite of virgin does not automatically translate to "whore."

[mr-happy]

I am not saying it does it all, but it does seem today's youth does not take sex all that seriously and sometimes it does create problems, I am no prude myself, but also not the most extreme either, so to see a younger person with a serious attitude about sex, and having not hot allot of casual hookups IS very refreshing. I say to young person because I am pushing 44.

Of course I realize many women have not had tons of partners, and also that not all women who have had allot of partners are bad or whores. The whore or slut thing is as much an attitude as it is a physical number reality.

Although I do see some 17 year olds that dress like they are hot 28 somethings or what ever I wonder if this attitude which is really what I am describing not an exact number or person does do harm to younger people. I was not trying to provoke a response or anything.

Cheers!

[jennifer]

When we are girls our parents and Walt Disney convince us that we can't have sex except with the right guy - "The One."

Most of us fell to social and hormonal pressure sometime in our teens or early 20's. We all found out that it gets better with practice. We get more comfortable with ourselves, and we get over the brainwashing that made our parents feel safer because we were "good" girls.

It actually took me years to have the first orgasm because nobody ever told me that I was supposed to enjoy it. Or even be an active participant.

There is nothing wrong with you or less desireable about you because you haven't had sex before. There will be nothing bad, or less valuable about you after you do it. YOU KNOW when a guy really likes you. So if you are with him, and you feel like doing it, then just let yourself be carried away. Men who are attentive in general are usually attentive in bed as well. I good general bench mark is the way he kisses. If he kisses you and you want his mouth on every other part of you, then it's a good sign. Just try to enjoy yourself. Don't put all the burden on him. Telling him about your virginity will not make him a better lover. Telling him what you want him to do, will. Don't be afriad to say "slow down," "kiss this," or "a little to the left." Forget about feeling guilty, and forget about whether he is "The One." "The One" will love you no matter what. The first one, is just that; the first one.

[trouble]

~~~~And I'm going by my own experience, not having had penetrative sex until I was in my 20s myself: like mysterygirl, I didn't experience any pain and my partner wasn't aware that I'd been a virgin until I told him afterwards.~~~~

I didn't have sex until I was 20. I'd rodeoed, worn tampons, worked as a lifeguard, and the first time (and the subsequent 20 or 30 times or more) were painful. The first time, excruciatingly so.

All women are different. Some of us are very small. Some aren't.

As hard as it might be to tell someone the truth, better to do so. IF a guy doesn't think it's incredibly cool and special, pass on him. He may not be the one, but he probably also shouldn't be the first one.

[TEX]

I'm with Jennifer. Find someone you feel comfortable with and excited about being with. Too much pressure on you to figure out if he's the one *and* should be the first one. If you want him to be The One, go ahead and tell him if you feel like not telling him would make you uncomfortable. If you're content to have him just be The First One, there's no need. I found myself in the latter category with someone I knew would not be The One due to geography, but he was someone I was very attracted to who was a really good person. It took all the pressure off the situation. And I wouldn't have told him if I had it to do over again.

[Diamond]

If I were you I would just wait to get married. Too many liars will say anything to have sex, and you don't want to make a mistake you will probably regret forever. And believe me, there are men who will respect your decision and think likewise. That's if you want to get married. If not, then I would get a close male friend I could trust and let him be my first. That way you would get it out of the way and just focus on enjoying yourself.