She Only Confessed Because She Got Caught

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Name: Jimmy | Location: Chicago , IL |Question: This past weekend I was hanging out with my girlfriend watching a movie when my cell phone started beeping.  When I went to pick it up, there were no new text messages or voice mails.  When I said, "I wonder why it's beeping?", my girlfriend told me that while I was in the bathroom, she took my cell phone and was going to read my text messages!  She accidentally hit a wrong button, and that's why it was beeping.

I tried not to make a big deal about it, as I wasn't sure what to think.  We've been dating for 3 months and things have been great, but now I am wondering why she did this.  I asked her if she trusts me and she said she does.  She also said that she didn't know why she did it, and wanted to come clean about it.
Now I'm not sure what to think.  Should I make a big deal about this or be concerned?  Is this a red flag to a larger issue?  Help! |Age: 37

I want to give her kudos for admitting to her snooping. But I can't because you'll never know if she truly felt bad about it or simply copped to it because she got caught. I think it's a red flag. As adults, we all know right from wrong. Snooping through your private messages was wrong. So, this woman consciously chose to do the wrong thing. That's not a great sign. Her fear or anxiety or mistrust overruled rational thinking.

I won't say you should dump her. If things were great then she deserves the benefit of the doubt. But with this one thing always in the back of your head I fear she may have done herself in. Now the both of you have trust issues. in regards to the other person. Those are hard to over come, especially at this early stage. All you can do is try to re-build the trust.

I'd suggest asking her why she did it. Maybe if she comes clean and you two have a heart to heart that will actually help get you back where you were quicker. It could actually help build the intimacy between the two of you.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. That's what my uncle always says. Works for him.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Treifalicious]

It seems obvious to me that she was probably cheated on in teh past and this is a defense mechanism. Many women have trust issues for reasons like this or similar ones (friends husband/boyfriend cheated, her male friends or brother(s) are players, her father cheated on her mother, etc.). This is the first time I have read such a letter here at Sex & Moxie and frankly, I'm a little surprised at that.

[isa.how]

I agree with Treifalicious, it sounds like she has trust issues. But don't we all? If you want to be with this woman, you've got to accept her, warts and all.

[Didi]

Most women snoop even if they say they don't. Trust issues are a huge hurdle for most women.

[TranceMaker]

Trust. It's so easily broken. In my last relationship, my girlfriend always thought I was "doing something" behind her back. (My friends couldn't believe it because I've never cheated. Ever.)

One night, she insisted that she look through my address book on my Treo (phone) and my computer.

Since I had nothing to hide, I let her.

Funny thing... even though she didn't "find" anything, she said that I probably "hid" the "secret names" anyway.

Sometime, you just can't win.

At least, she didn't snoop; she asked.

[No time for games]

Let this be a lesson to you. Women will snoop through your personal stuff! Always keep your phone locked with a security code!

[An]

I think that everyone at the beginning should set the boundaries.

For example, my gf knew something about my friends but did not know the details. Every time she tried to ask I replied that it is not my secret - it is my friend's secret.

[the critic]

Woman don't even hide the fact that they snoop. They just open your wallet and your drawers and look, like it's the natural thing to do. Looking at your messages takes it up another notch.

I have a friend who stole two of his girlfriends' passwords on his computer and he still looks at their email. Bad!

[dermqueen]

Not ALL girls snoop!!! Especially not so early. I use to be addicted to snopping I can admit it then I realized it was not worth it, it is like a full time job to know what someone else is doing/who they talk to that is STALKING. If you read my text messages you would know my next two weeks schedule and would probably confirm that I am a nut.I have been dating a guy for about 4 months and I have not snopped once!!! Don't plan on it either we meet when we say we will meet we talk freely no reason to suspect anything if I do I will ask and if I feel like he is lieing I will bounce. I am DRAMA FREE.

[TT T]

Although the first thing i usually type is "there are no rules" , oh well, it's time to break the streak..

I DO have three rules that I make clear to any woman I am dating.

1, Respect Me
2. Respect My Time
3. Respect My Property

Not a lot to ask.

She broke number 3, bye bye.

T

[Just Stunned]

You mentioned that everything has been great thus far. I would give her the benefit of the doubt - BUT - just this once. It maybe that she had a prior experience and now is finding hard to trust. Since she found nothing, that should put her at ease and also continue the process of putting prior betrayals behind her.

On the other hand, if you find that she continually has a need to go through your phone, then all bets are off.

[Never U Mind]

Either she has trust issues from a previous experience or with you. If you can truly say that you have given her no reason to distrust you, then it is her problem and will always be her problem. Even if you allow her to snoop because you have nothing to hide, she will overthink what she finds and turn it into something.

If you really think she is worth it, give her another chance. But make it clear that if she does it again, she's gone. Period. Nobody deserves to live that way.

[J]

Cleary she was wrong for snooping. It's a bad thing to do, and others have said, you can always make something out of nothing. To her credit though, she did come clean. She was not actually caught. She could have played dumb at your phone beeping. There was no way you would know it was not just some kind of glitch in the phone. I would give her another chance and just tell her to air her feelings. Ask her if she was cheated on and if that is what prompted the snoop, then try to calm her fears. I never snoop, and it has been a good policy for me. You don't have to share everything with your partner.

[dusktilldawn]

Hell yeah that Bitch has issues.

Even though she fessed up. It's because she hopes you'll brush it off as her being cute when she's jealous. The fact that she is checking your cell definitely means she wants to know who your talking to and when! If she had found some random Text that seemed
out of place. this most likely wasn't the first time. Believe me she would have freaked out, but because she found nothing she feels ashamed. Is she looking For a fight? if you made a big deal about her checking your texts then that would have been grounds for her to suspect that your "not open " and "hiding something" Seriously you guys have to lay some ground rules about what privacy and let her know that that behavior makes you uncomfortable. Trust is something you must be able to have with your partner otherwise your gonna feel like your living with the CIA. If you find her snooping again like Sherlock definitely put your foot down

[Himself]

You've only been dating 3 months. Things will only get worse from here...

[hb]

At first, this seems so inconsequential. Then I started laughing because I think most women would do this, including me- not reading text messages but going through the address book- and I thought I was relatively sane, well-balanced, and drama free. ha. And what did I find? He has nothing to hide and he is one of the good guys. Sometimes, women don't even believe what they have and that it's too good to be true and they mess up.

I agree that if everything else is going well so far, then don't hold it against her.

But you really do need to discuss the trust issue, the status of your relationship, feelings, and expectations of privacy in the future.

[Crotch Rocket]

Once someone decides they need to snoop, there is nothing you can do -- they will "find" something to justify what they're feeling whether you're doing anything wrong or not. I had a girl dump me for "cheating" on her and her "proof" was an email from my sister giving me her new address... And when I told her that's what it was, she just blew it off. When someone wants an excuse to dump you, they'll find one whether it makes sense or not.

[Big Tool]

If its first the text message reading, what's next? She'll be checking out your bank statements, financials, email accounts (don't be surprised with technology today), etc. Next thing you know is that she'll install some kind of tracking software on your PC without you knowing this and she'll be able to see who you IM, email, and everything on your PC!!

You need to set the rules down right now! Warn her that if she ever touches any of your stuff again, you'll give her her walking papers immediately and show her the door.

You might what to test her out by having your friends, family, etc. send you a bunch of IM's on your cell, then leave it were she can access your phone (ie..bathroom, kitchen, etc). If she reads your texts after lecturing her, you've caught her red handed and have an excuse to throw her out of your apartment right away!

Just do it!!

[all's fair]

What men lack in the commitment molecule, women make up for in spades in the paranoid suspicious thinking (PST) department. Each female from birth is endowed with only 2 biological imperatives: 1. find man 2. keep man. The PST falls under category #2, and is quantifiable for the average female in some range greater than the collective value of currency in Swiss banks. Examples of PST include such thoughts as "well, if he likes me, won't he like someone else?" and "are her boobs bigger/nicer than mine" or the infamous "if I get pregnant he'll have to stay". You get the picture.

Most women become reasonably good at suppressing these thoughts, so as not to appear overtly psychotic during the dating phase of the relationship. In similar fashion, male horn dogs suppress the desire to hit on other ladies in the restaurant/bar while seated with their date, so as to assure getting some action with her later that evening. In my sociological observation we note how one hand 'suppresses' the other.

So, dumping this bitch to pick up another ain't exactly gonna make much diff. If the relationship is wholesome in many other ways, tell her you are disappointed, you expected more of her (in the suppression department) and that in the future if it doesnt work out between you she might consider dating a less attractive man, who couldn't get another woman, and her (and your) problem will be solved!