What's More Important - Happiness or Sex?

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Name: Chandra | Location: Boston, MA  |Question: I'm hoping your readers can shed some light on this. My friends and I went to a party Friday night and we ended up talking with a crew of men our age. The topic of break-ups came up. When the subject of when is the right time to break up with a woman (how soon, before/after holidays) one of the guys said it depends on how great the sex is. His friends agreed. Is that really something men consider when they are about to break up with a woman? Can great sex really make a guy want to date a woman longer? Can sex really make up for negative aspects of a relationship? |Age: 34

The answer is YES to all your questions. As I've said before, men will always avoid drama. They will find things about the relationship that they do like in order to endure or deal with the bad stuff. That way they can stick things out as long as possible and avoid conflict.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[VJ]

My goodness is this a fairly simple question. Of course good sex makes all the difference! In monetary terms Most people would prefer a bit more sex than a Lot more income. Take that to the bank kids! Yes, they've even done economic studies on this:

[http://www.nber.org/papers/w10499]

NBER Working Paper No. 10499
Issued in April 2004
NBER Program(s): HE LE

Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

what about a guy who stays when the sex is bad...?

[trouble]

It's not just men...I've definitely dated men where the sex was so good that I delayed breaking up because I knew that guys who can rock the bed are hard to find.

[amen]

Sometimes when we focus too much on just the sex, the people who are compatible with us sexually and emotionally wind up walking by.

We wind up with neither happiness nor sex.

[No time for games]

YES to all your questions. The reverse is also true, most guys will dump a woman if the sex is bad, infrequent or boring. In fact the only ones who would stick around in that situation are guys with a low sex drive or ones that are getting sexual gratification elsewhere.

[the critic]

Interesting. I dated a few women who I felt very close to - I don't want to say emotionally or spiritually - but we were sympatico. However, the sex was lame either because I wasn't that attracted to her (although I really wanted to be) or because she was too conservative or self-conscious about sex (and thus the sex was infrequent and hardly daring). But those were extreme. I would gladly have stayed with one of these women (the one I was at least attracted to) even though the sex wasn't "great" if it was somewhat regular. I don't ever recall great sex ever forestalling a break-up for very long, but there is a tendency to go back for more sex after a break-up.

Not sure this is healthy. I think the danger of lingering because of good sex, or any other co-dependent reason, is that you can't "get on with" dating and healthy relationships. How many times have you met someone who knows their partner sucks and will break up months or years down the road, but hangs on because they are "not ready" to end it? Ask any guy - we've all had that chick that we are dying to date, who has the loser boyfriend that doesn't deserve her. Usually by the time he's history you've moved on, for better or worse.

[boundless]

If the sex is amazing, I agree there is more of a dilema to stay in a relationship with someone who even though they may be not be "the one" is nice and interesting. Where the sex is either infrequent or doesn't knock my socks off, it's definitely an important factor to deciding whether to break it off.

[dusktilldawn]

I've had quite a few guy friends stay in shitty relationships just because she gives good head or does kinky things. The thing though with that was while they still stayed in this relationship physically, their minds where always looking for the next best thing.

[just curious.]

This is to The Critic? I am just curious...how old are you? Do you think that younger men are more prone to date woman for the sex long after the relationship has stalled?

[Craig]

The asnwer is yes to all questions. Sex is enough of a reason for a guy to stick around - at least until something better comes along. Then they'll trade up for another option. Guys are loathe to give up good, regular sex and risk an long dry spell before finding another woman. The better the sex is, the less urgent the desire to move on. If it's really bad, then the possibilty of relying solely on masturbation for sexual gratification for awhile isn't as much of an undesirable alternative. That's why good sex will keep a guy around longer when he has otherwise lost all other interest in a woman - because like crack, good sex is as hard to come by, addictive, and thus difficult to give up even though you know the situation is not good for you. I can understand why women wouldn't understand why for men, sex can often negate other negative aspects of the relationship. Men emphasize the physical aspect of a relationship moreso than women. We can put up with a lot of crap if we're getting our balls licked well on a regular basis. In my experience on the other hand, most women tend to emphasize emotional and other non-physical aspects of a relatiohsip more and place less of a premium on the physical. Thus getting laid alone isn't enough to sustain most women for very long in a bad relationship if they are otherwise unsatisfied.

well craig, your experience is lax. women WILL stay in relationships I think sometimes even MORE than men will b/c to find a guy that can REALLY do her good is I think harder than the other way around. Kinda like the guy who says any head is better than no head. Girls are far more individual and what works for Karen may be awful for Stacy. But Brad and Jim are probably going to like that wierd thing she does with her tongue equally. I'm not saying that more often men stay than women, but i think it is far more difficult for a woman to find an amazing lover than a guy. Most guys don't WANT a woman to just lie there, but between that and no sex they'd take the former, they'll probably still get off. But bad sex to a woman is a complete waste of time. And I'm telling you this as a woman that has now been somewhat involved with the hottest guy of my life and he is just about the WORST lay of my life. It's a cosmic joke - I'm so turned on by him that I can't just quit the dalliance, but beyond the turned on state the rest I might as well have just had him get naked and stand in the corner like Rodin and just admire him b/c that would be more fulfilling ;)

[OhRick]

To whom it may concern...

Sad, but true! There is no correlation between inspiring aesthetics and inspiring sexual performance.

As many men might admit... their best lover was probably, an average looking female. Yes, there are exceptions. But, lets face it... many beautiful people don't have to work very hard at, too much.

Of course, if you know how to touch a womans mind, as well as her body... you can sometimes awaken those "lay there" models.

It takes two, to create good sex. And "Good sex" can be a very subjective from one person to another. No doubt, genuine happiness can smooth over a few flaws in sexual compatibility. But, as suggested here... even awesome sex cannot make-up for a lack of happiness.

If you're fortunate, a rich and compatible sex-life will be a rewarding contributor to your already present happiness.

I suppose, it comes down to where you are at, and what is important to you!

That being said... if your happy, you can make sex better. If your not, then the quality of sex will never be enough.

[Betsy]

And for the female perspective...I can say I've had a VERY hard time getting around to breaking up with a guy who was wrong for me when the sex was fabulous. Major red flags that this guy was not husband material or even good boyfriend potential. But, the sex was working for me...so I procrastinated the breakup talk until I finally hit an emotional bottom with things and the emotional pain of staying together was greater than the physical release I was getting from the relationship.

"Getting his balls licked"

Thanks Craig for that visual

We know how old you are but emotionally you sound 12

I know some people here appreciate your straight forward comments but really, it's getting old fast

[dermqueen]

Seriously doesn't this make u insecure? Clearly good sex partners are hard to come by, yet good sex alone is not going to help a failing relationship. When it's over it's over!!!! Find "the one" not Mr. Right Now!!!

[Are you on Crack??]

Okay ladies, so in defense of Craig, getting ones balls licked is really an enjoyable thing. To talk of it as it's a bad thing, and immature tells me you have yet to get your's licked. Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're a girl. Still, it really does feel nice. And that's what life is about frankly, isn't it?? Felling nice! Thanks again Craig, for that sweet visual you reminded me of.

[James]

If you have sex to make you happy how is it possible to have sex without happiness? The truth of the matter is people continually settle and try to make the best out of an unhappy situation and I say...WTF??? To settle for anything less than what your heart truly desires isnt fair to any of the parties involved. I personally feel America as a culture is producing a rapidly growing population of people who dont love themselves for starters. Which is the very reasons topics such as this are becoming the norm. The ability to truly love yourself is a chemical reaction. The more you love yourself the more you'll attract people who you can connect with on that GREAT SEX level.

[TT T]

If the man does not feel that he can find/develop positive relationships with ideal women that includes sex when he wants, he will delay breaking up if the sex is good. But if he views sex as the natural outcome of a healthy relationship of mutual attraction with a woman, he will not prolong the inevitable. But let's face it, a lot of us guys are, let's face it...pussies, when it comes to dealing with difficult situations like break-ups..so they'll let it linger because of the pussy factor...

[James]

I totally agree with TT you and yes, you are absolutely correct!"Some" guys are guilty of exactly that; which brings me back to my initial point. If all parties involved truly loved themselves they would not subject other people to participate selfishishness.

[TT T]

It's not just about loving yourself, there is already plenty of that going on in NYC. It's about caring and respecting others as much as you care and respect yourself. True balance in your life and outside your life.

[Crotch Rocket]

"What's More Important - Happiness or Sex?" The latter is an integral part of the former for most people, particularly men but also many women. That's like asking whether it's more important to be alive or to breathe.

"Is that really something men consider when they are about to break up with a woman?" Of course. We still want to get laid, even if we don't want to date you anymore. If it's good, many men will delay ending the relationship until they have someone else lined up that they're pretty sure about. If the sex were bad, the same guy'd end it immediately because there's no upside to sticking around.

"Can great sex really make a guy want to date a woman longer?" In general, no. There've been a few women I was willing to give a second look early on because they were phenomenal in bed, but when a guy decides the relationship is over, it's over. He may put up with continuing to date you to keep getting laid, but he doesn't _want_ the dating part.

"Can sex really make up for negative aspects of a relationship?" That depends on the person. There are dealbreakers, and then there are things that we merely find less than ideal. Great sex goes a long way to making up for the latter but can't fix the former.

"I've definitely dated men where the sex was so good that I delayed breaking up because I knew that guys who can rock the bed are hard to find." In fact, based on my female friends, I'd have to say this is far more common among women than men. I'd be rich if I had a dollar for every time a female friend told me she couldn't leave her asshole boyfriend because he was just too damn good in the sack. They aren't even _looking_ for a replacement because they're so sure they'll never find someone as good, and the natural tendency of women to seek stable relationships, even unhealthy ones, reinforces it. OTOH, women have little trouble dumping a guy who's a bad lay, whereas a guy will often figure a bird in the hand is better than having to go search the bushes...

Crotch Rocket, i hate to say but you are not right in all cases. My cousin's best friend has well, now no sex b/c he is not physically attracted to his girlfriend that he loves. He knows it's a sinking ship, but he won't pull the damn plug. I tell him that both she and he will look back at the time they wasted when she could have found the man that was wild about her and he could go find a woman he is hot for. But he just keeps hanging in b/c of the love and not wanting to "hurt" her. I told him that he is doing more hurt by staying b/c, as this blog has proven, some men out there have ideas about post 35 women. she is now 35 1/2 and if he delays the inevitable longer she will be 36 plus and have that much harder of a time to find herself the one. Of course, a woman with such low self-esteem as to stay with a man who tells her flat out that he's not attracted to her anymore but doenst' leave his ass deserves what she gets (and needs therapy)!