What's Worse - Being With Someone Who's Just Okay or Being Alone?

Name: R |  Location: swarthmore  , pa |Question: Is it better to be with a rather pleasant companion who one has been dating for a year, or to look for an upgrade if he doesnt seem like husband material?  He does not act interested in long term committment but also hangs on to the relationship for comfort and convenience.

But couldnt I find someone else, by chance, at some point and leave him then?  Maybe we will both grow out of this relationship when we feel ready, but ending it now seems pre-mature, b'c we both like eachothers support sometimes as friends and lovers.  I abhor being alone.  I have been alone for a long time, by my choice, before this. |Age: 27

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

OMG, you're fucking kidding me with this question, right? Mox, is it April fool's day again?

[Crotch Rocket]

You're still young and deserve something better than some lackluster relationship where the only reason you're staying together is that neither of you has found something better. Do you have no self-respect? Do you have no idea what you really want?

[harmony1969]

Being with someone who is just meh is worse than being alone. Period.

Learn to enjoy being alone first, and maybe you'll attract someone that you really want to be with. You're probably giving out the "aura" of desperation that you are probably feeling - which means you're attracting the same.

I don't get why people insist on shortchanging themselves when they know the situation is wrong to begin with.

Nothing wrong with being alone.

[isa.how]

R, you've got to learn the lesson that so many of us have grappled with - you've got to learn to be comfortable with your own company i.e. being alone. It took me years to learn this and now that I have, it is much easier to wean my way out of unhealthy dating situations.

I would say, make your relationship with this current guy strictly platonic. Start finding out about your likes and dislikes. And most important, work to build and strengthen suppot with friends and family. This will help you not feel alone even when you are physically alone.

Good luck

[BISKIT]

Dump him ASAP...

I was in a long relationship, and everybody loved her. They said she is beautiful, sweet and great to be around. To bad my complaint was that I can never see her as marriage material, but I stayed in the relationship because it was easy... well it took 2 years after the eventual break up to feel great being alone. If I would have gotten out of the so-so relationship at the beginning, I would have saved so much recovery time and who knows about all of the great girls that I missed out on by wasting my time with a definite no-way.

The person of your dreams is in front of you, but you can’t see them until you create the space to let them in. -B

[Joanna]

I recently cut off a guy who was not making the effort to spend time with me. I think in the past, I would have stayed in it hoping that things would change and also fearing being alone. Now I have no problem being alone because it's better than being in a relationship where you're not getting what you deserve. Thank you Mox for giving me the courage and strength to do the right thing. Why does it hurt?

[hb]

You will probably leave him when you are ready to. And so will he. Just don't lie and sketch a happily ever after picture and make promises that you know you won't keep.

That being said, you are in your 20s and having fun.

Of course, if you are truly looking for a husband, it is your time and energy that you are investing. It's just bad karma to use people in addition. So be careful about that.

[A Tree in the Forest]

Have your cake and eat it too! Implied here is the notion that you can only handle an exclusive relationship. Instead, let him know that since it doesn't seem to you that the relationship is moving in the direction you are hoping--long term commitment (don't say marraige yet, or you'll scare him off)--that you think it best for you to see each other casually and begin dating others. Then do it. If he really isn't interested in anything long term with you, he'll be fine with that and you'll both have companionship while you each fish the seas. Or, realizing that he now has competition, he might decide to step things up and move the relationship toward your dreams. Either way, you're being open and honest, so you shouldn't suffer any guilt about "cheating". Just remember to use protection in the interim. Good luck.

[OhRick]

At your age, you shouldn't BE with anyone, seriously?

What is with this obsessive necessity to find The One! The person you need to find is YOU! Being happy in your own skin, should be first and foremost in your personal growth and development. (No one is going to complete you!) That is a self-fulfilling realization. If you learn to appreciate who and what you are, others will, as well! And those who don't... too bad!

People compliment our lives, in different ways. Some, we become attracted to. We form friendships... we may experience intimacy with some, and one may seem like the proverbial soul-mate, which we romanticise.

The person you are describing is a friend, not a deeply committed relationship. Probably, a safe comfortable place to be... companionship, etc. You're done, and so is he, if pressed. A man will keep you around for sex and companionship and not dwell on the where and why fore?

A woman, is always taking inventory.

Your fear and insecurities are keeping you in the status quo! Those are the personal issues you need to come to terms with. Mating with someone who seems "Rather pleasant" hardly commands all that creating a mutually gratifying marriage entails, solely, to avoid being alone.

You need to start dating yourself! (We've all done it and the sex isn't, too bad?) Take yourself out for a good time... make new friends... market yourself through renewed exposure. Do all those things you couldn't do if married and a mother. (Or, regret it later?)

Since your BF is not The One... you need to circulate! You can still keep the old BF around, while you start living again. Though, I don't recommend it.

Men who are not husband material are called friends or boyfriends. They have a place and serve a purpose. Your present squeeze is a boyfriend.

Go find some more! You really don't know what you want in a man, and you're learning what you don't want... school is still in session.

if he finds someone before you do you're going to be crushed. end it now and go find your one!

[JET]

It depends on what you want. If you want a husband and he does not have the potential for that, then you should break up and look for someone else, because you will not get what you want as long as you are with him. If you want a boyfriend/companion, this guy is there and he is real, unlike "the one" who may never come around, and he may be able to fill that position for you. If you choose to stay with him then you should accept him the way he is, and enjoy the relationship for what it is, and don't expect him to change if you decide you want more.

[LizM]

Oy.

Break up with the guy. Move on. If your ultimate goal is to be in an amazing relationship leading to marriage, then you aren't doing yourself any favors by staying in this one. Period.

[dusktilldawn]

know the difference between being alone and being lonely. As the song goes I doesn't matter if the bed you sleep in is not your own as long as you can wake up with yourself.