Play It Cool

Name: Kristine |  Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie.  On Saturday night, I met up with my Meetup.com activity group for the second week in a row. The first time I attended the previous Friday, I found myself attracted to one of the guys in the group (like me, he was new to the group). I had a feeling that he was attracted to me, too, but he seemed somewhat shy and a bit socially awkward (he's 35 years old).

He didn't seem as shy on Saturday, and we ended up talking and flirting a lot (but I still sensed an underlying shyness). He got a lot more talkative/flirty after having a few drinks and vice versa. We ended up sitting very closely together at a lounge having drinks with some others from the group. At one point, when all but one of the other group members temporarily left the room, we ended up kissing about four times. It was quite nice, but of course we were both a bit drunk.

Afterwards, we all went to a diner for a middle-of-the-night breakfast and sobered up a bit. Then, we all headed home. Since we were going in the same general direction, I ended up taking the subway with him part of the way home. There wasn't any more flirting at this point, perhaps because it was 4:00 a.m. and we were both exhausted. Although I am very attracted to him, I was almost relieved because I don't want to have a one-night stand with this guy (I would like to date him). When we were talking, he mentioned that he was trying to get over his shyness (both personally and professionally) by going to a communications coach.

When the train arrived in his neighborhood, he walked me to my last train and went into the station to wait for the train with me so that I "wouldn't have to wait for the train alone," which was sweet. When the train was getting near the station, I thanked him for waiting with me for the train and then spontaneously handed him my business card and said to him, "Here is my contact information. Let me know if you'd like to hang out together so
metimes" (unfortunately, I didn't have a pen to write down my cell phone or home phone number). Then the train pulled into the station, and he told me to have a safe trip home.

On Sunday morning, he sent me an e-mail asking if I got home OK, and I responded.  However, I noticed that he e-mailed me through the Meetup.com website, and left his e-mail address "private" so I don't know what it is. When I e-mailed him back through the site, I chose the option of revealing my private e-mail address to him.

Now it's Wednesday, and I haven't heard from him at all.  I do find it strange that he wouldn't reveal his private e-mail address to me, when I gave him my contact info. At the same time, why send me an e-mail asking if I got home OK if he was not interested?

Is this guy just not that into me, or is his shyness affecting his behavior here?  Also, assuming he doesn't call/e-mail me, how should I act when/if I see him at another group event?  Just play it cool?

Thanks for your input. Kristine |Age: 32

Here's a perfect example of how we sometimes start to over-analyze the tiny minutiae of our love lives. I can pretty much guarantee that he did not intentionally leave his e-mail address private. The website automatically checks off the "make your e-mail address private" box. The person writing the message has to uncheck that box on their own for their e-mail address to be revealed. If you don't even know that the option is there, you won't know to uncheck it.

You're trying to find reasons why this guy is not interested in you because you don't want to be disappointed.  This is something you need to pay attention to and work on. Actually, it's something a lot of us have to work on. That little voice in the back of our head is telling us not to get our hopes up because, every time we do, they get crushed. That's why you're obsessing over this. You're trying to protect yourself so that you don't get hurt. That's why you're looking for reasons to believe he's not interested.

When and if you see him again, you act the same as you did before. You act like nothing has changed. Yes, play it cool. Still be friendly, still be flirty. The guy is clearly quite shy. If you start freaking out you're going to scare him off.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Mira]

If one is new at the meet up, one may or may not know all the innings of the profile settings or even the e-mail settings. One may simply just joined "meet-up" to meet in person, neglecting the e-mail settings or had too many e-mails to keep tabs of & just plain "forgot" on the meet-up e-mails?

Use that genuine question of yours & put it into a well worth "excuse" to approach him & ask?

[siciliana]

I so needed to hear that Moxie. You sometimes are so insightful it's scary.

Not to take to much away from the original question, but- do you (or any of the posters) have suggestions what women can do to NOT freak a guy out who may be a little shy...sometimes it is so hard to be patient and "play it cool."

Guys?

[Miranda]

Everyone seems so very charming and witty after a few drinks. You were out until 4AM so the "beer goggles" were definitely on both of you. Don't take these chance meetings so seriously, you had a fun night. Maybe that was it and when the guy sobered up we wasn't up to contacting you (he has your card) due to his own issues or perhaps cause you didn't click as well with him as you thought.

[Kristine]

OP here. Moxie, thanks for your rather eloquent advice. Without even knowing me, you captured exactly how I am feeling. I do tend to overanalyze things with men. And I am afraid of being disappointed, yet again - it's been 3 1/2 years since I've been in a relationship, and all of my dates during that time have led to nowhere but disappointment. So, it is like my mind (and my heart) is so conditioned to being rejected and/or disappointed that I feel like I have to protect myself somehow. As a result, I have a hard time allowing myself to get optimistic or hopeful about a guy.

Also, it's been a long time since I've been this attracted to a guy, so I guess I am trying to rein myself in a bit so that I don't make a fool of myself - I feel like the ball is in his court to contact me since I gave him my contact info, so aside from responding to that one e-mail, I haven't contacted him. I don't want to chase him and look like an idiot or, worse, desperate.

At the same time, as you noted, this fear of being disappointed or hurt is hard to overcome. I read a post like Miranda's and it mimics all of the thoughts running through my head for the past few days - that he was only attracted to me while drunk, and perhaps after some sober reflection, he is just not interested in me (even though he did e-mail once; and we flirted a bit while sober, too). Otherwise, why wouldn't he call?

The group has another event on Sunday. I'll be there, but he hasn't RSVP'd yet. I will try to play it cool, while still showing interest, if he shows.

[Miranda]

I didn't mean to sound negative, but you shouldn't have so much invested in a man you don't know that well. Best thing is to keep physically active and hang with your friends that way you won't dwell so much on whether or not a guy will contact you. Have fun at the event Sunday. Hopefully you will see him again or you will meet a new guy.

[trouble]

What Miranda says is exactly right. You need to hold something back emotionally so that you aren't so easily disappointed. Don't let your hopes get too high until the 4th or 5th date. Just focus on having FUN and enjoying his company without going too far down the road in your own head.

Easier said than done, I know.

[trouble]

p.s. I am dating that guy, the one who doesn't call a lot and is very shy. You keep him interested by letting him pursue you, and occasionally giving him small hints of interest. We're going on 7 months of dating (5 exclusively). It's worked, so far. But, it is still hard at times, because he does not go as fast, emotionally, as I do. Just try to learn to be patient and let him set the pace of the relationship.

[siciliana]

thanks trouble!

[Loverville]

Something else to try: if you haven't already, maybe give online dating a shot? It's very easy to meet guys there (though, of course, hard to meet guys you might really like!) -- but having other potential guys in the mix can help keep you level-headed about this one.

[Kristine]

Loverville, I have already done online dating with no real success on and off for over 3 years now (I've met about 40 men in person; had a few second dates; one third date; zero relationships resulted) - so I have given up on that method.

It looks like my instincts were completely off with this guy. I haven't heard from him in a week. Plus, today I found out that he had e-mailed one of the group's organizers to ask if she, too, got home OK (she took the subway a short way with us that night) and told her about the trouble we had getting home on the subway. So, his e-mail to me meant nothing.

Now I just feel like such a loser for giving him my contact info in the first place. It was stupid of me to think that he was actually interested in me.

[mr-happy]

Dear Kristine,

I have tried online dating over the years and had some great times, some short term things, one 3 year relationship, disappointments, yet I never met anyone who I felt deeply compatible with. I think online ads a note of randomness that you don't always have in real life, so the results are random to a degree too. If you know the type of man you want, then continue to go to real life activities where you will find them, and the sex/romance is not the main purpose of the get together.

While it is not as exciting as the "instant" online chemistry crap, I am starting to think the best thing is to be ok where you are now, and allow life to guide to your future partner. You are not a loser AT ALL, haven't we all been very interested in someone, expressed that interest and then either been shot down, or realized the interest was not mutual. For guys this happens probably more then for women. You have to hear [x] number of no-s or rejection sometimes I think to get to the real deal.

I wonder if real compatibility comes from letting your life and karma guide to the people who you will connect with in life, as opposed to a random online connection which can be fun, but it's a crap shoot.

I have had dates that were amazing, ones which someone really liked me and I didn't like them, or ones that I wanted to leap over the table and kiss her, but she did not even want to see me again [just didn't know it yet].

Life is hard, relationships are hard, yet we are all in it together and we can help each other too.

Don't take any of this stuff personally, it can't really be until someone knows you well.

Good luck and keep on truck'en!

[beenthere]

I tend to agree that Kristine shouldn't feel like a loser. He may have been interested in her...after all he did send an email. But for whatever reason he wasn't interested enough. Its good that she took a chance though.

I think we have to remember that in the course of dating in our lives we probably will only have one, two or maybe three major relationships. The rest of the time we will be involved with hookups, dead end first/second dates or casual bf/gf things that just fade out after a couple of months.

[hb]

You've done what you can for now. Maybe join a couple of more meetups and meet more people. Once you let go of your fears and be independent and ok with being alone and happy---you'd be surprised at the amount and quality of people that you start to attract into your life. Good luck!

[Kristine]

OP here again. Thanks for your kind posts. mr-happy, I agree that online dating provides very random results. I definitely prefer meeting men first in person and letting things develop from there, over basing my first impression on an online profile.

hb - While I am comfortable spending a lot of time by myself and being very independent (as I've done so all of my adult life),after 3 1/2 years of being completely single, I get lonely at times and miss the companionship of a man (and sex, to be honest). I have needs that have not been fulfilled for years and, no, a vibrator is just not enough to satisfy me during such a long drought - it's not nearly as good as being with a man. At the same time, I do not want to seek out a one-night stand situation - the few times I've done that were ultimately unsatisfying for me, even though I've never regretted doing it. I want the whole package.

I feel like no matter how much I put myself out there, I just keep getting kicked down - about 40 times now (great record). Then, once I recover and get the confidence to try again, I am just kicked down again. Nothing works and I am frustrated. I admit that I am pretty average looking and will never be thin (even though I work out regularly), so I know that really works against me with men, even though I have other good qualities.

I just feel abnormal in not being able to find anyone to be in a relationship with for such a long time. I don't know anyone in a comparable situation. I want to get married and have children eventually (ideally before age 37 or so), but I have no prospects, so I think that just may never happen for me.

As for this guy - I will have to face him in 1 1/2 weeks at our next group event, unfortunately. I almost feel like not going, because I feel embarassed. He knows I like him, while I know now that he doesn't like me (or, he only finds me attractive when he's drunk). Not such good times for me.