Will He Ask Her To Move With Him?

Name: O.F. | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie, I've used yours and your commentators advice before and they have really helped.. So here it goes again. 

Dating a guy for 6 month solid. We are exclusive, he has told me he loves me and that I mean a lot to him. He's been dropping hints here and there that he may leave the NY area (He is starting his own company and needs a less expensive place to live where he can be out of work for a while until his business takes off). About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go with him on a trip to this city in the south (where he had attended grad school) he'd like to check out bc he may want to move back there... These are all talks so far...

Last week he was away visiting his hometown and came back Monday evening. We saw eachother last night (Tuesday) and he "officially" broke the news to me that he will be moving by the end of the summer when his lease is up - most probably to this southern city he had asked me to go with earlier.

There has never been any talk of a future between us nor there was any last night.  We kept the conversation pretty short.  He was also distant. didn't try to get "busy" and was less affectionate than his usual self. This is after not seeing eachother for a whole week.

So- my question is: Do I have a talk with him about the whole where do we stand - or - should I just start to distant myself from him... for example, we have a date on Friday night (which is really the whole weekend).  Should I just bring up some excuse and cancel? |Age: 32 - female

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Comments

[ALH]

I don't see how canceling will solve the problem, because then you're still going to be wondering, "WTF?!?" I don't understand why women are so afraid to just ASK what's going on -- I know, I know, being a woman myself, you don't want to seem needy or overbearing or whatever... but it's not needy or overbearing to protect yourself or get the facts that you need to make a decision about what you're comfortable with. Take charge of the situation by asking where he stands and making your own decisions accordingly -- otherwise you're letting him take the driver's seat and then wondering why you don't have any control over your own life.

[GoodEnough]

It sounds like you didn't really react when he broke this news to you. He may have been distant because he knows he is leaving and is pulling away from you emotionally, but it could also be that he didn't know how to react to your lack of reaction. Are you really thinking of just cancelling your date and not confronting him about how you are feeling? Would you consider moving with him? Do you love him? Do you want to fight for him or just let him go? It sounds like there is a real lack of communication going on between you. Might as well clear the air and have it out, what have you got to lose?

[saySomething]

Cancel, huh? That's cowardly. If you can't have a simple conversation with another adult about something as important as your future, then maybe you shouldn't consider going any further this relationship. Relocating would require lots of huge decisions, all of which would require an actual adult who can COMMUNICATE.

[Andy]

Male perspective here: you've been dating him for 6 months now and he says he loves you; that's long enough and serious enough that you've earned some right to expect to know where you stand, so do ask him what's going on.

My guess as to what he's really thinking: he has a huge dilemma: he's not really feeling committed enough to the relationship yet to ask you to quit your job too and move down there with him. That would put a huge responsibility on him, for while it might not constitute an actual technical marriage proposal yet, it would certainly seem to put the two of you rather definitely on the marriage track, wouldn't it? At 32 years old, why would you ever disrupt your life to such a degree if you didn't reasonably expect the relationship to proceed to the next level, after all. And if you did move down there with him, where would you stay? Presumably, if he asks you to move down there with him, it's going to be a little awkward for him to have to tell you that he still wants to maintain separate apartments. But at 6 months in, he may not be ready to contemplate even moving in together yet. Thus his dilemma.

But if he doesn't ask you to move down with him, it's going to be tough for him to continue to date you, given that his reason for moving down there in the first place was to save money on living expenses. He's not going to be doing that if he's buying plane tickets all the time to fly back and forth to NYC to continue seeing you. Again, thus his dilemma.

The important thing to understand is that he's not necessarily being distant because he's already made the decision to leave the relationship. The issue (or at least what I think the issue is, given my own mid-30s male perspective) is that he's faced with a really difficult dilemma. Larger externalities (his employment/cash flow/residency situation) are most likely causing him to feel that he must soon face big decisions (does he ask you to make a huge commitment to him before he's confident he actually wants to reciprocate, or does he end a perfectly good relationship and start over?) before he's ready to contemplate them yet.

Your job as the girlfriend is to understand his dilemma, be sympathetic to it, and give him space to figure it out on his own, but at the same time also stick up for your own needs and rights, and talk to him about the future and the decisions that need to be made, and understand what he's thinking.

[Jules]

Why don't you just ask him where things stand? You should have the courage to have an open and honest conversation on where your relationship stands once he leaves. I think women are so afraid at times to say anything and it only hurts them in the end. I used to be one of those women, so I know.

But this is what I tell myself and my girlfriends when we're in a situation where we don't know where we stand with a guy. Ask him! No matter what he says, there will be a positive outcome. If he wants to make it work, then great! But if he doesn't see a future, well maybe that's not so great. But what's great is that you know and you don't waste time and energy wondering what is going on. It will save you a lot of heartache.

[Himself]

When someone breaks the news that they are moving. That is a goodbye. If you were included in those plans you'd know it by now.

[Laura]

I would say ask him. I am seeing someone that broke the news to me earlier this month that he is moving in July. The last week or so he has been incredibly distant and non-talkative. Last night I finally asked him what was up and we were able to discuss his moving and go from there.

It's amazing what happens when you just come out and ask someone something instead of worrying what is going on. Sometimes we all forget that.

[jalabi]

What Andy, Jules & Laura said :)

[hb]

either ask him or date others. it doesn't sound like you are invested or like him that much. 6 months is such a short time to drop everything for a guy.

if he was really sure, he would have asked you by now.

if you really thought he was special and the relationship is worth fighting for, you would have asked.

stay friends. who knows what will happen or how you will both feel in the future?

[sureisfun]

You mention how long you've dated and how he feels about you. You don't mention anything about your feelings for him! Maybe he's not asking you to come with him cause you're a cold hearted beotch. (Just kidding-sort of.) But seriously, saySomething's got it right (along with the others above).

[Dimplz]

O.F.
It seems like from what you wrote, you don't feel you have a right to know what's going on in your relationship. That's not true. You don't have a right to demand anything, but you do have a right to know where you stand. At any time. It's best to ask directly, "So what does this move mean for us? Are we going to continue our relationship or are we breaking up?" Face to face would be best, and as long as you don't act like you're going to fall apart if he says no, maybe you will get a direct answer. Seems like his actions are already telling you no, but sometimes when people have a lot on their mind, they do act distantly.

[just me]

I agree with Andy, he probably likes you but feels it's too soon to ask you to relocate with him, etc. If you feel that *strongly* about him/the relationship (if you would *actually* contemplate moving there with him), what about talking about HIM moving in with you (or getting a new place to share) here? That would solve one of the purported reasons for the move (for him to move someplace cheaper to start a business). Splitting the rent would certainly help with that.

[OF]

This the original poster,

First, I'd like to thank Moxie for posting the question and everyone who has given me their advice. I've read them all very carefully.

Just to clear up a few things. Obviously I really care about the dude, otherwise i wouldn't be writing here asking people's advice. He knows that I love and care about him as well. As some mentioned, I have not showed a big reaction to the move so far other than pointing out reasons (omitting myself) for him to at least consider staying in the NY area even if he ends up moving out of Manhattan.

Also, to clear up my question, men are not stupid. They know exactly what is up... so the women's reaction - or lack thereof - really matters. So, yes, it is not good news that he hasn't asked me to go so by me pushing, it is nothing going to help. So I already know what's up as far as where I stand. I don't need to hear it outloud. I can read between the lines. Let me tell all the ladies that if the guy likes you, he will really do any and everything. there won't be a doubt in your mind.

I guess there will be some kind of a conversation once we see each other... so far there's just been a lot of emails regarding his business plans!?.... Anyway, he has decided to go hang out with some other friends tonight instead of our date and wanted to meet up later... HE NEVER USED TO BEHAVE THIS WAY... So I have decided to leave town...

[OF]

to finish above comment... meant to say, I'm leaving town for the weekend...

[Dimplz]

OF, Think of it this way. If he had never been posed with this situation, you'd still think that he loved you and would be with you through thick and thin. Now you know it isn't the case, and you're doing the right thing. I assume he's in his 30s as well, and if he were taking you seriously, those three words would have been backed with action, even after 6 months. Best of luck to you.

[Crotch Rocket]

"About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go with him on a trip to this city in the south" Well, did you go with him? If you said no, he's going to assume you weren't interested in looking at somewhere he might ask you to move and that you wouldn't go with him.

"he 'officially' broke the news to me that he will be moving by the end of the summer when his lease is up ... There has never been any talk of a future between us nor there was any last night." That's because he's assuming you won't want to move with him, therefore there is no future to discuss. And, really, how attractive can he think that option would be to you since he'll be without much income for a long period of time and probably dependent on you paying for dates, a place to live, etc.? After only six months, that's a bit much to expect or even ask of someone.

"He was also distant. didn't try to get "busy" and was less affectionate than his usual self. This is after not seeing eachother for a whole week." He's distancing himself so that it hurts both of you less when the relationship ends in the near future.

"Do I have a talk with him about the whole where do we stand - or - should I just start to distant myself from him... for example, we have a date on Friday night (which is really the whole weekend). Should I just bring up some excuse and cancel?" You avoiding the discussion too isn't going to help things. If you're seriously considering moving to stay with him, you need to let him know that's an option, though one you're not committed to yet. If you're not, you might as well break up with him now and quit wasting your time on a relationship with no future.