TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341c5e6e53ef00e55382203a8833
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Being Alive:
Comments
Well Moxie, if you aren't vulnerable as you say you aren't, this post would suggest otherwise. You certainly come across as someone who can reflect deeply, sometime painfully about what isn't working. . . I think that's a positive step towards becoming that vulnerable person you say one needs to be to have a relationship.
I think we can be both tough and vulnerable, they aren't mutually exclusive qualities. You may be both.
Mox, we men are genetically predetermined to subconsciously shun commitment. We have fewer vasopressin and oxytocin receptors. Women are preprogrammed to prefer it. Neither are wrong, but both are obstacles to long term happiness. Incidentally, I love that song.
I don't think we're "preprogrammed" for anything - I believe in genetic predisposition but it's way too complex and interacts with everything we live through to characterize it as "preprogramming". OK, rant over.
Back to your point, Moxie. Some people are afraid of "letting people in", and I agree that a lot of single women are probably in this list. But why assume that it's everyone? Some women want to be single. Some women don't want kids. Some women want lifestyles that are practically incompatible with long-term commitments (think traveling often, for instance, or working long hours), even if they would on some level prefer to have a partner. Fear of being hurt (which is what I associate with "vulnerability" - that is what you're vulnerable to) is natural, but it sometimes does go too far and cripples our ability to relate to others.
"People who are perpetually single are so because there is something in their head, some voice, that is telling them that being alone is better. It's safer. It's less work. You get to be the person you want to be, despite the fact that maybe that person isn't the most healthy or rational or conscious."
Or maybe that person IS actually healthy & rational & conscious. It's possible, you know. Being single IS safer in some ways, and less work in some ways, and allows you freedom & autonomy that being paired often doesn't. Everything in life has its pros & cons, and nothing comes without a price.
The only problem I have with your take on things, Moxie, is that you're so damned binary about it. Being single is as valid a choice as being paired. Nobody's forcing you to choose it, but why do you feel so compelled to pathologise those who honestly may prefer to be alone, for any number of legitimate reasons? It makes you seem as condescending as you thought Craig was being in the post-before-last.
It seems like the idea of contented single people actively frightens you or something.
Yes I completely agree with the above; moxie, you're being typically american -- way too black and white about things. Your underlying assumption is somehow that it has to be better to be in a couple. You don't even address grey areas like open relationships, etc. There are many solutions for many people.
I think Maria might have misread my statement, because we're saying precisely the same things. I said we're programmed for preference, not programmed to do anything. I wasn't being deterministic. Choice is a factor, of course, and so are societal norms.
I guarantee you, though, these preferences are very very very very strong.
Society just does not want to believe that someone can actually be happy single or even prefer it. Neither way is better or more right and no one should feel they have to justify their reason.
Quite frankly statements like "being alone is not being alive" is offensive to me (I don't know the song so I may be taking it out of context.) Single people do have family, friends and pets, so they are not truly alone anyway.
Most people change very little over time is the sad reality of life.
Some people simply do not have the fortune or merits to have a good mate in this life [no matter how hard they try], it seems precious these days to have a relationship last more then a few years, a reflection of society on a certain level.
Most people expect everything while giving nothing, an upside down pyramid of sorts. When someone says I want a great husband or wife, or this or that, the first thought which comes into my head is "what have you done to deserve it". Of course nothing comes for free in life, and most forget the simple equation that one most give to get, no buts about it. Sounds simple, yet few can abide by that rule of life.
Sounds like your realizing more about yourself and what you need to work on and that's great mox!
Since meeting my boyfriend last August I have stopped reading your articles Moxie which i so much enjoyed. The last article i remember reading was tha you had met someone and were engaged to be married (I think, right?) But I guess from this article that it did not turn out? If that is the case, I feel for you, and i am sorry. I am 44 and never married. Before I met this man, I was single and practicaly did not date for 11 years, maybe a little here and there. It was not my time, I had to finish night school, I had to take care of a very sick mother w/ a long term illness and watch her die, and then i had to take care of me finally. The universe finally knew that it was time for me to meet my mate, after my mom died I was truely alone regarding family. An only child from Europe and no other family here, both parents dead...i really felt all alone in the world. Well, in the time period of taking care of myself i went to see a therapist who does bi-latteral brain work, i forgot the name of it. But he uses a method of the patient watching a wand go back and forth as they are talking about their fears/issues etc and the patient follows the wand w/ their eyes alone, not moving their head. I went for just a few sessions cause the cost was astronomical, coupled w/ reading the book "Ask and it is Given" by Ester Hicks and her husband and did the excersises to manifest my desire to have a mate. All of these factors allowed the Universe to ready me, to unblock me, to open me up to the man who i believe is the right man for me at this time and place, not the perfect guy, not the guy that made my knees weak but was a Sh*t, pardon the cursing, but the man who truely knows how to nurture me, love me, care for me, support me in all the areas of life. He's a good egg, but i first rejected him cause he was not my "type" ;Was not attracted to him on the get go. But thank goodness he was persistant and i got to see the gem he is under the ruff. So there is hope, but i believe we need to work on our fears thru any means that we can get our hands on. And then, there is God's time, not our time to contend with. God Bless Moxie, you will be in my prayers for I know the ache of a lonely heart.
Best wishes,
Melanie
Hi there Moxie and fellow commenters
I agree with many of these comments. I think that the majority of people, single or not, don't like feeling vulnerable, so that is certainly nothing to criticize yourself for! We all have our baggage or issues in getting close to someone special so it takes time to find the person who understands these things about us and we about them. Plus our emotions and situations can go through cycles, you might be less receptive one month and more open to possibility the next.
I've found that being negative on myself or what I have or don't have in my life only makes me feel worse. We only have one life here on this earth, so you might as well enjoy as many days as you can and think positively about the future. That's how you really feel alive.
The therapy technique mentioned above by Melanie is called EMDR. Its designed for traumatic experiences (plane crashes, rape, war, PTSD, etc) but can also be used for anxiety and other non life threatening things. It can resolve the issue in a few to several sessions rather than longer term talk therapy.
I think this is a great post, Moxie. Lots of good insight about vunerability, openness, etc. I was happy being single for over 10 years, but am much happier in a relationship. I didn't find the right guy until I realized that I was putting obstacles in my way. I had stuff I needed to work on first. Admitting that one wants to be in a relationship but isn't going about it with an open mind is the first step. I also think that NYC is one of the easiest cities in which to be single and consequently one of the hardest to find someone (male or female) who wants to be in a committed relationship.
I think this is a great post, Moxie. Lots of good insight about vunerability, openness, etc. I was happy being single for over 10 years, but am much happier in a relationship. I didn't find the right guy until I realized that I was putting obstacles in my way. I had stuff I needed to work on first. Admitting that one wants to be in a relationship but isn't going about it with an open mind is the first step. I also think that NYC is one of the easiest cities in which to be single and consequently one of the hardest to find someone (male or female) who wants to be in a committed relationship.
I agree with the above comment from Mox that what we attract is sometimes a mirror of our own desires. Not everyone "wants" to be single in entirety, but maybe there are aspects of our personality that do. I would love to find the right man to have a solid, fulfilling relationship with, but at the same time, I am 26 years old and I still enjoy going out and meeting new people, and learning about myself and how I relate to them. i guess it just depends on where you are in your life, how you feel, and really what you prioritize as your needs. I personally have realized through my early/mid 20s that I am constantly evolving so much as a person, and as an artist, that it's okay for me to focus on myself right now and really figure out what is important to me. Some people feel that at 26, others might feel it at 40. I think it's important for me to understand myself fully before I expect someone else to understand me. I am communicating to someone else that I am this certain person- inclusive of certin traits, beliefs, hobbies, values- and I want to make sure that I truly am that person before I expect that person to embrace that. Being single and loving yourself and loving the process of self evolution can be just as fulfilling as a relationship, especially as you grow closer to that point where you're truly ready to share all that with someone.
I've come to the conclusion that there are "couple" people and there are "single" people. I know that, as an extrovert, I NEED other people in my life. I enjoy experiences more when they are shared, when I have someone around to experience them with me.
On the other hand, I know a couple of longterm singles that I really think don't NEED to be with other people the way I do. It's just not in their wiring.
And, I don't think that is a bad thing, either way. I think that it's just what we are.
Back some time ago I remember Mr. Happy posted that he had stopped having casual sex because he is looking for a serious relationship. That is one thing that I realize from reading this blog, the biggest block to serious fulfilling relationships is all the casual sex and flings that people have and until you make a decision like Mr. Happy you will not find the real thing that MOST crave. I hope things are going well for you in your search Mr. Happy. I hope it was okay to use you as an example.
I was reading the blog and I just wanted to clarify what "Melanie" had said about a treatment modality that is used by counselors. What it sounds like she was referring to was EMDR. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It is a very successful approach to trauma, fears and letting go of the past.
A very insightful piece, Moxie; well done! I think trusting someone enough to bare your soul is difficult for anyone, and it gets harder as the years pass because we tend to accumulate more "embarrassments" with time. Still, I've found almost nothing to be more relieving and bonding in a relationship than being able to share the skeletons in our closet and be loved and accepted just the same. You just need to find the right person and right time to allow each another to be vulnerable and share--it also requires both partners to have pretty highly developed emotional intelligence, at that, I've found, is the hard part. I wish you luck. And again, thanks for providing something out of the ordinary.
"Nobody's forcing you to choose it, but why do you feel so compelled to pathologise those who honestly may prefer to be alone, for any number of legitimate reasons?"
To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature. By "perpetually single" I'm talking years. And I will stand by my opinion that someone who claims to choose to want to be single over the course of multiple years is a boldface liar or has completely deluded themself into believing that lie.
"Single people do have family, friends and pets, so they are not truly alone anyway."
How many of us can say we interact daily or even weekly with our friends and family? How available are our friends and family when push comes to shove, especially when they have family of their own? And, really, I love my cats...but they're not people. Sure, they provide comfort and are a form of company...but claiming that your pet can give you the response and reaction that a human being can give you is ludicrous. My statements don't offend you, they make you feel bad about yourself and your choices.
I have been single for one year now. I can honestly say that I HATE it! To me, being single is NOT being fully alive. I am not afraid to admit this, because I have never approached love for anything other than what it is - love. I am perfectly designed to exist alone - I have a career, I take care of myself, I have goals and I have things, and I don't even want children, but there's just something missing, like a terrible gaping hole, without someone to love.
We live in a world that constantly bombards us with the conflicting ideals of a "happily ever after" vision wherein Prince Charming, the "One", or our true love will "find" us one day, and the hard truth standpoint that we are somehow weak, insecure, needy or co-dependent for wanting this vision to come into our lives. (WTF?) We were not meant to live our lives "alone", yet somehow we are trained to be uber self-sufficient emotionally, almost as a macho rite of passage. If you truly "want" to be single then it doesn't bother you that you are. I think it's that simple. Obviously, it bothers you, so you blog about it and you give us all a place to air our grievances and feel not so alone in our perpetual aloneness. I thank you for that.
"To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature. By "perpetually single" I'm talking years. And I will stand by my opinion that someone who claims to choose to want to be single over the course of multiple years is a boldface liar or has completely deluded themself into believing that lie."
Well, you're wrong. And thank whatever powers that be that it's not up to you to legislate how the rest of us get to live our lives.
"How many of us can say we interact daily or even weekly with our friends and family?"
I can. Or am I lying about that, too?
"How available are our friends and family when push comes to shove, especially when they have family of their own?"
I guess that depends on what kind of friends/family you have and how desperately needy you are.
"And, really, I love my cats...but they're not people. Sure, they provide comfort and are a form of company...but claiming that your pet can give you the response and reaction that a human being can give you is ludicrous."
If you're a raging introvert and find people taxing, then yes, pets can fulfill a good deal of one's companionship needs. Not all, but a good deal. Again, depending on how needy one is. That's something that's going to vary by the individual. Infinite variations - imagine that!
"My statements don't offend you, they make you feel bad about yourself and your choices."
No, it's the very definition of offensive for a complete stranger to proclaim that they know what I want or need better than I do, and also essentially call me a liar in the process. You are projecting your own fears, pure and simple. Why you're so freaked out that some people might not require exactly the things that you require is baffling, but that's what happening. How's that binary worldview working for you, anyway?
"If you're a raging introvert and find people taxing..."
Let me finish that for you. "....then you have some form of a disorder or can not relate to people in a healthy and functional way."
"I can. Or am I lying about that, too?"
Phone calls and e-mails don't count. Again, that's impersonal forms of contact and communication. Now, maybe you live with your family or near them and maybe all your friends aren't married, have kids, or have active social and professional lives. But that's not typical. Single people in their late 30's and 40's usually don't have much in the way of other single friends (and if they do, that's another reason that contributes to why they're single.)
The only people I know who scoff at someone else admitting that they need someone and feel their life would be better with someone are people who once felt the same way, never met anyone because they couldn't/didn't work out their own issues, and then turned around and decided everyone else who feels that way is weak because they're ashamed that they once felt the same way.
"No, it's the very definition of offensive for a complete stranger to proclaim that they know what I want or need better than I do,"
Nobody did that. I wrote my opinion. And then you personalized it and got defensive because you have your own issues surrounding this. Don't make it out like I wrote this post specifically to offend YOU. That's how you took it, which is not about me. That's about you. Most people took the post as it was meant. As an introspective piece that attempted to be encouraging. But no, YOU were offended by it. You took something completely innocuous and processed it through your own filters and deemed it offensive. Why? Because you're exactly the type of person I mentioned in the post. You're happy being alone? Then why do you sound so angry and bitter? If what I say is so "binary" and you feel so justified in your convictions and beliefs, then why or how could anything I say bother you? Why are you taking it as such a personal slight? You can disagree and debate with me all you want. But that doesn't explain why you're so offended by something a complete stranger (in your words) says.
I personally don't enjoy being alone. Never have. But still, there are times when its better than the alternative. I've been unhappier at times with a woman then I am alone. Maybe there is something wrong with me for being alone so long, but having seen some very sad, unhappily married people, I prefer to keep my freedon and keep my options open, rather then to couple up out of desperation and feel trapped.
I don't think anyone really wants to be alone. But some people handle it better than others and can manage to enjoy their lives without a mate. Its hard but its better than being miseable about not having that special someone. I do have some nice days exploring the city alone. Sure it would be better to have someone to do it with but there are times when the thrill of a new discovery/adventure makes me feel alive.
"Let me finish that for you. "....then you have some form of a disorder or can not relate to people in a healthy and functional way."
Introversion is no more a disorder than extroversion is. Come on, you know this! You're just picking a fight because you don't like people disagreeing with you.
"And then you personalized it and got defensive because you have your own issues surrounding this. Don't make it out like I wrote this post specifically to offend YOU. That's how you took it, which is not about me."
And I'm expressing *my* opinion because you generalized it into a blanket statement, as you are prone to do, making a proclamation that there is only one way to live, and all others are wrong. That's not innocuous, that's condescending and judgmental, which appears to get your back up when it's someone saying something about *you*. You're quick enough to dish it out, but you don't like to take it very much.
I'm neither angry or bitter, nor have I ever posted anything rude or insulting here, although having the way one lives one's life marginalised as flawed & self-deluded is surely enough to put one on the defensive, don't you think? I asked a fair question: why does it freak you out so much that some people might be happy with different choices than you'd make for yourself? I'll point out that *I* haven't scoffed at anyone's choices: if you need/want someone in your life then by all means, do whatever it takes to make that happen. But allow others the same freedom, without the snarky condescension.
Look at it this way: if you were to make the similarly sweeping generalisations about, say, homosexuality, would it be so surprising if someone piped up to say, "Hey, that's really narrow-minded & judgmental of you!"?
"If what I say is so "binary" and you feel so justified in your convictions and beliefs, then why or how could anything I say bother you?"
Because to let ignorant statements pass uncontested is to be part of the problem.
"But that doesn't explain why you're so offended by something a complete stranger (in your words) says."
Because you've set yourself up as an expert, doling out advice. It's offensive to see you vent your spleen on something you're clearly not as informed about as you think you are, and by which you appear to be so deeply threatened.
Hey! Moxie, I totally resent your "ludicrous" statement regarding pets. My husband is on a yearlong deployment and I spend a "ludicrous" amount of time with my 1-yr old puppy. I have raised her since she was 8 weeks old, mostly it's just the two of us. She talks to me, I talk to her. We have entire discussions, go everywhere together, snuggle. She gets mad at me, I get mad at her. If you think you need "human" words to have a great relationship, maybe you need to close your mouth and learn how to speak with other creatures starting with your poor cats (hint, words are not required... I know you are a blogger, so it must seem like a requirement to you sometimes.) I like people, too, and love some people, but I have always preferred "animal animals" because they are not as manipulative and do not over-analyze everything like "human animals" do. Try being quiet, listening to and observing other creatures -- including humans. Sounds like you might gain some inner peace that way and it might even lead you to the relationships with others that you desire. PS I also don't have "obedience" issues with my pup like most people seem to have with their animals, despite an almost total lack of "training". We are just friends and we come to an agreement on things without a lot of fuss. She is almost never on a leash despite living in the Bay Area, never has been and doesn't need one (unless I want to put passersby at ease, since she is a 100-lb puppy). That could be a metaphor for life, I don't know...
If I had a choice (and I do), if I look at myself and a friend of mine, I am perpetually single, and yes, by choice, I have many opportunities, but yanno? I'm not jumping into something bad just to be with another human. I have a healthy very social life, but also the desire to be on my own...quite a bit.
Girlfriend on the other hand, hates being alone, will date before she's even put the previous relationship to bed in her mind,sleep with men unabashedly in hope that they will stick around. In fact, has very few female friends other than myself.
Do people actually choose to be single? I know that I rather be in a relationship that I'll be happy in; rather than just settle or take scraps in order to avoid being alone. I've learned to live being single and there are positive things to being single; however, I do hope to be in a good relationship someday. Is being single a choice?
"To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature."
This just assumes what you are trying to prove. I've been consulting with myself about this issue for several decades and I can report that it is not in my nature to be in a relationship. I am always happier (and healthier) when I'm single with lots of dating opportunuties (not "alone" per se). People DO lie about their reasons for being single, but I have no reason to lie here. As for others, I can't speak for them, but in my expereince, nothwithstanding their lies, I don't see that people are so satisfied in their relationships either. So, I'm not sure we can assume that being paired up is somehow a state of nature. But, I get your rhetorical technique, Moxie -- not sure why people get so upset by it.
I don't know what to say that has not already been said. Myself I don't feel as if I am alone, it more a matter of living by myself. I have known love, not the kind which grows with time, but the kind which knocks your socks off and rocks your world to the core, call it lust if you will, but then it is possible you don't really understand the concept of "it". Because it is possible you have not experianced "it" there is also the likelyhood you certianly would not understand rather remaining by yourself than to settle for less then what you have known.
Driving me Nuts - Curious as to how old you are that you say "I've been consulting with myself about this issue for several decades". Sometimes I think the longer we live our lives a certain way that becomes the way we WANT to live our lives. Just like children for some people it is right for some not and long term relationships or marriage are the same. Not everybody wants the same things. I think Honesty is the only thing that matters that you are honest with yourself and honest with the people in your lives. People who don't necessarily want to be married but get pressured into it are usually not happy same goes for having kids. Live and let live and if PEOPLE could just stop telling everyone else what they did is best and if you only did what they did you would be happy. I have found the ones who are trying to convince you that their lives are so great are usually the ones who are most unhappy. Marriage is the most wonderful state for me but I recognize it is because I happened to be lucky enough to find the Perfect guy for me. I was a very happy single person as well and my husband said he liked that about me that he knew I was happy by myself. Happy Single People are usually happy married people and unhappy single people are usually unhappy married people. As we have been told for centuries true happiness comes from within before we can share it outside ourselves.
"it is not in
my nature to be in a relationship. I am always happier (and healthier) when I'm single with lots of dating opportunuties (not "alone" per se)."
Driving Me Nuts: You say that you're happier and healthier when you're not in a relationship. Why do you date? If you're dating, doesn't it mean that you're subconciously looking for something more? Isn't that the concept of dating to date until you find one you want to be exclusive with? I guess I'm just confused how people choose to be single but yet they look to date!
"Why do you date? If you're dating, doesn't it mean that you're subconciously looking for something more? Isn't that the concept of dating to date until you find one you want to be exclusive with? I guess I'm just confused how people choose to be single but yet they look to date!"
Well, here's my explanation: sometimes you want to spend time with someone (or have sex with someone), but that doesn't mean you want to marry them, or that you will develop feelings for them. So you can have casual relationships, but remain single. Hell, some men do this throughout their lives, and no-one calls them out on it (not by saying they're sick or maladjusted, anyways).
I think you need to keep an open mind, even if you choose to be single. You never know who you're going to meet. But the fact that some people have decided to stay single instead of settling for less than ideal relationships doesn't mean they are condemned to be unhappy. Many people choose to be single, even celibate!, and don't have their sanity or mental health put in question.
Now, Moxie's point seems to be that you can't lead a happy life being single. In fact, research on happiness suggests that we all overestimate how happier things like finding a partner, getting married, or getting a promotion will make us. People have their long-run level of happiness (or misery), and that is to a large extent separate from what our circumstances are.
Finally,
"To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature. By "perpetually single" I'm talking years. And I will stand by my opinion that someone who claims to choose to want to be single over the course of multiple years is a boldface liar or has completely deluded themself into believing that lie."
Is there anything that would convince you otherwise? Any piece of evidence? Or is this an article of faith?
"Now, Moxie's point seems to be that you can't lead a happy life being single."
Uh, no, it wasn't. The point was that life is a little bit easier, a little bit more enjoyable, a little bit more worth enduring when you're fighting the good fight along side someone. I guess what you took from the post depends on whether you ahve a glass half full or half empty mentality.
Well, there have been some interesting things said here but what i will add is this - i had a long bout of no real dating and even some of that was celibate. But during that time I wasn't really unhappy b/c would it have been better to be with someone who bored me to death just to have someone? or someone who is bad in bed? or someone who wasn't too bright? or someone who I'm wondering if he's cheating on me (or someone who DOES cheat)? or someone who doesn't take care of himself? or someone only with me til something better comes along? or someone who is only playing games? I agree it's better to be with someone and we will all have to make some certain compromises as we can't create our perfect mate (and we'd find our idea of perfect changes with time). I have love and been loved a lot in my life and I have wonderful friends and family. I am very, very lucky - b/c when I am without an S O, I am not lonely. People who were in love with me still love me (not in love, but would be there for me). I never made a 'bad' choice with a mate so I'm still friends with all of them. They just weren't right for the long haul. I do agree that life is easier and perhaps yes, more enjoyable, with a mate BUT it has to be the RIGHT mate and sometimes, Mox, try as we might by all the work we do on ourselves to break bad past patterns and all the 'getting out there' we do - we still dont find him/her. I do want to find someone for the long haul, but I am by no means desperate and I do enjoy being single and am a very happy individual. So, for now, without a sig other, I'm doing ok. My eyes are open and I'm available emotionally. It will happen when it's meant to - even if it's not til i'm 50. But being happy being single keeps me strong esp when reading your column that certainly makes women over a certain age think 'slim or no pickins or you'll have to settle big time if you want anyone at all'. Thank goodness, at 43, those thoughts are NEVER in my head. I'm a great person and people who know me quickly realize that. I will find the person I was meant to be with soon or maybe not so soon - but I'll never get with someone just to have someone. That is a recipe for disaster.
Well, i may be coming from a very traditional and conservative background, but even the Catholic Church says that some people are made to be married, some people are made to lead the religious life and some people are made to be single. I think Moxie is one of those that is made to be married and many out there for what ever reason are better living the single life. What the church says though whether its single in religious life, or as a lay person, that it is important to live in community; to interact w/ people, to be a responsible participant of that community where there is support, and one gets a sense of wellness from being a part of a group. Unfortunately, this is not happening much in the Catholic Church for single people, at least not in the parish i had belonged to.
But it depends on the single person to look for groups to belong to where there is a sense of community, i think this is what is missing for many singles, a place to belong, to feel connected to, to be supported by. I also believe that if a person has good connections in their neighborhood/community and has a rich spiritual life, this can be more than enough to live a rewarding single life, but i do stress the spiritual component; for it is that, that fills that whole in our hearts that we believe will be filled when we meet that special other. This whole can be filled when following a meditative/prayerful lifestyle in what ever faith one belongs to.
I had many wonderful single years by myself and being celibate to boot (yes, unheard of in this day and age!). Dont get me wrong there were moments of yearning that would well up like a wave at times from my heart, here and there, but for the most part, they were productive, adventurous good years.
But like Moxie, I was meant to be in relationship w/ that one person and now it has arrived, w/ its own challenges. It's all a journey. But I have to say that there are people who are just made to be single and are better off single than in relationships like marraige or living together situations. And there is nothing wrong with that. "Know thyself"....is the best advise that could be given.
" "Now, Moxie's point seems to be that you can't lead a happy life being single."
Uh, no, it wasn't. The point was that life is a little bit easier, a little bit more enjoyable, a little bit more worth enduring when you're fighting the good fight along side someone. I guess what you took from the post depends on whether you have a glass half full or half empty mentality."
That's backpedaling if I ever saw it. From your original post
"We've convinced ourselves that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or that we're much happier exploring our options. Bull shit."
OK, so it's not happy vs. unhappy but that it's "bull shit" that people can be much happier being single. I think I wasn't that far off characterizing your point. (And frankly I don't think I deserved the condescending "uh".)
Now, you say life is "a little bit easier, a little bit more enjoyable, a little bit more worth enduring when you're fighting the good fight along side someone". A lot of people voluntarily enter into relationships, so it's pretty evident that what you say is true for most people. But what would it take for you to say that it's not true for all people? That there's a group of people who have found that they lead better lives when they're by themselves (or with their families) than when they're with someone else? We could say that they haven't found the *right* person --- but what if the right person doesn't exist?
I'm saying this as someone who's currently single, but would love nothing more than sharing my life with someone else. I just see how other people could make completely different choices, choices that make *them* happier than they would me.
"But what would it take for you to say that it's not true for all people? "
Nothing, because in my opinion people who choose to be alone do so because they either have emotional issues, can't function in society, are dejected or in some other negative state of mind. If somebody offered a person the option of being with a compatible partner who treated them well, or being alone, they'd choose the former. Not changing my mind about this. So you can pick apart my posts and ocmments and try to create an argument. All you're really proving is that you need to be right and that you need to justify something. I'm not trying to justify my life or the fact that I'm single. You disagree with me. Okay. Got it. But I couldn't care less if you don't "get" me. My life goes on and my opinions don't change. You don't want to consider whether anything i say has any merit. You just want to get me to agree with you because you need to be right. I'm single because of my own choices and behaviors. I'm okay with admitting that and working on those issues. You don't have to agree.
I know I don't have to agree. I'm new to your blog, so I'm trying to see how the comments section works. I'm used to them being more of a debate, but apparently what you like is for everyone to simply state their opinions.
I don't need you to agree with me, but I enjoy debating. I like to see many sides of an issue and choose what I believe afterwards. Yeah, I like to think I'm right, but I've yet to meet anyone who enjoys being wrong, so the only difference is that while I'm willing to entertain the idea that I'm wrong, you make up your mind and that's it. Apparently you need to believe the world is one way and anything else upsets you.
That's fine, I'll keep on reading the blog. I don't think I'll partake in the comments again, though.
A partner who 'treats you well' isn't all there is mox!!! One of my best buds treats his girlfriend well, but is not physically attracted to her so finds physical realease outside the relationship - I'd DEFINITELY rather be alone than have that 'treats me well' guy. Plus I'd put compatibility in most areas above ANYTHING else a partner has to offer. They can treat you like a queen but be boring as batshit or a horrible lover (as I mentioned in a former post). How is that better than being alone? Listening to someone drone on about things you could care less about. Or what about a perpetually unhappy or angry person? One of the great let downs of my life was breaking up with a boyfriend when I was 29 who I loved to death and he loved me to death but he would just never be happy. I knew I may never find a match like that again, but to be missing on the point of happiness and me having to try to bring him up all the time was tiring and I made the RIGHT choice of ending it. And now, at 43, even though we are the best of friends and all, I still know I made the right choice b/c all these years later he is still that unhappy guy I dated in my 20s except now he's 43 with a wife and baby and I think will never change. I'm sorry but sometimes the choice to be single is because you made the RIGHT decisions to not make the WRONG one.
I do believe that some people prefer to be single - i.e. not in a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that they don't have people in their lives. Deep friendships and close family ties do count toward 'Being Alive'.
That said, I definitely agree that some people don't want to be vulnerable and find being single safer. I am a woman with a history of serious emotional distance and neglect in my childhood. As an adult, my surviving family members have pretty much abandoned each other. It's a painful situation and it is certainly why I have had to accept that my close friends are truly my family. I am lucky to have found a community of people who I don't think I could get through life without. I know that this history has created for me a preference for being single -(in terms of romantic relationships). I am someone who has spent a lot of time being single. It's not that I cannot attract men, it's just that I so often put out signals of disinterest. Are these signals intentional? My guess is that sometimes they are intentional and other times I wish that I could get better at putting out signals of approachability. I am still in the process of learning how to let friends into my life more fully.
Do I want a relationship? I think that I can say that I do. But to be honest, I think this desire for a relationship is in part due to feeling lonely AND to feeling societal pressure to 'get a man'.
isa.how, we are a lot alike. Right now, b/c I'm in my early forties, i feel like I need to be out there trying to find a man to be with. But honestly YES I do want a relationship but i HATE dating and the crap that goes along with it. I've said this before here,I would love to meet a guy at a party or something and have some mutual interest and then maybe go on a date etc. That just never happens and I LOATHE the internet - 'hi, we're here to date' thing. I really don't want to look but I feel like societally I SHOULD want to look or I'll 'end up alone'. I have no problems being single and yes there are many parts of being a couple that are great but there are many parts that are not. I travel a lot for business and love to go out with my friends and I dont' want that cramped. Luckily I haven't had that happen in relationships but I know that it can as most my friends are guys and that could be an issue. I give off signs of disinterest b/c I want to be the one who decides on a guy and then have him approach me rather than being approached and have to then decide. It is a GREAT rarity in person or online that I am approached by someone who I feel I would have approached. It's happened, but then I get to know them and there are other incompatibilities. I do hope I meet someone to spend my life with but right now I'm trying to do what makes and keeps me happy rather than focusing on 'time is a running by, gotta find a man' b/c that is just crazy. I could meet the love of my life 20 yrs from now, who knows. No rules on that. Yes, reproductive years may be gone by then, but that is not all coupling up is.
The real issue for me is here is so much societal pressure to be coupled that one feels pretty awful if they aren't. If you think about it, boldfaced asking a person why they are still single is pretty rude and intrusive. Do we ask people why they are married (even when it's obvious that things aren't going well at all) no, we don't . Why then can't there be the same respect for single people? If people are asking why they are single to set them up simply asking if they'd like to meet someone (if infact they have someone they think might be a good match then fine, other wise why ask? If some single people feel like there's something wrong with them isn't at least part of it because we are made to feel that way?
As for the question of really being alive it all depends on what you are looking for? Happiness does come within although it would be wonderful to have someone to share your life with (at least this is how I feel). On the other hand, if we are pairing off just to avoid being alone but, there's no real sharing or caring in the relationship are we really in a relationship at all ?
"How many of us can say we interact daily or even weekly with our friends and family?"
Hmm, lets see. I have 2 friends that I talk to every single day, 3 friends I meet up with on a weekly basis, and I talk to my family weekly. And some of those friends/family are married or partnered in some way.
"How available are our friends and family when push comes to shove, especially when they have family of their own?"
When my mother died, I had friends drive hours to be with me. When I am upset at 2 in the morning, I have a friends I can call.
"My statements don't offend you, they make you feel bad about yourself and your choices."
"but claiming that your pet can give you the response and reaction that a human being can give you is ludicrous."
I did not claim that. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Just meant that having a pet (something to come home to) means you are not alone.
I am happy with my choices. But yes, people telling me that my choices are wrong make me feel bad.
This is certainly one of your better posts in my opinion. Really heartfelt and I appreciate it. I must say however, after being in a disasterous marriage and then going to a long drawn out on again, off again, I took a year off to be alone and single. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Did I enjoy every minute? Not at all. Working through the loneliness was HARD, but important for me to do. Now, after about a year, I feel ready to get back into the game with a better understanding of my own faults as well as positive attributes. I did the work on myself that I never would have if I had been in a relationship all this time. Do I hope to find true and lasting love sooner than later? You betcha. If it takes longer, that's OK too. At least I know for certain that being alone won't kill me, as a matter of fact, quite the opposite. Considering that in the past year I've been healthier, happier and have more money (!) than at any time I was ever with a guy, I'm sometimes hesitant to get back to looking for someone. But I do agree that it's important to be vulnerable to someone you can trust. It's important to put yourself out there, but it's also hard. I completely agree with your assessment that we find in others our own intentions. I'll say to you what I say to myself..."keep the faith. Keep moving in whatever direction is right to you and be willing to play along with the universe. Because hey, you just never know." :)
Perhaps there is only so much loss people can handle, before taking it upon themselves to decide it is better off to remain alone, rather than to take the chance of once again being abandoned by those whom are trusted to forever love…
Mox, I generally agree with much of what you say, but I don't agree that not being alone equals a romantic relationship. Actually I find that people (in particular women) who act as if love from sources other than the particular man they are sleeping with are generally the one's with fairly deep emotional issues.
Imagine a single person who has friends and family members who call him or her at least once a day and sometimes several times per day. This person has the ability to make social plans with people several times per week. She/he has good relationships with their neighbors. Is this person alone?
I realize that we live in a culture that gives the highest validation to 'the couple.' I get that. I also know there is an alarming number of alienated and lonely people. I believe deeply that the alienation is due in part to people not placing high enough value on non-sexual relationships.
Although I am at the point in my life when I desire a romantic relationship, I know better than to burden a romantic relationship with the huge responsbility for keeping me not ALONE.
The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.
As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.
Well Moxie, if you aren't vulnerable as you say you aren't, this post would suggest otherwise. You certainly come across as someone who can reflect deeply, sometime painfully about what isn't working. . . I think that's a positive step towards becoming that vulnerable person you say one needs to be to have a relationship.
I think we can be both tough and vulnerable, they aren't mutually exclusive qualities. You may be both.
Posted by: thinking thinking | July 02, 2008 at 10:29 AM
Mox, we men are genetically predetermined to subconsciously shun commitment. We have fewer vasopressin and oxytocin receptors. Women are preprogrammed to prefer it. Neither are wrong, but both are obstacles to long term happiness. Incidentally, I love that song.
Posted by: Jeremy | July 02, 2008 at 10:48 AM
I don't think we're "preprogrammed" for anything - I believe in genetic predisposition but it's way too complex and interacts with everything we live through to characterize it as "preprogramming". OK, rant over.
Back to your point, Moxie. Some people are afraid of "letting people in", and I agree that a lot of single women are probably in this list. But why assume that it's everyone? Some women want to be single. Some women don't want kids. Some women want lifestyles that are practically incompatible with long-term commitments (think traveling often, for instance, or working long hours), even if they would on some level prefer to have a partner. Fear of being hurt (which is what I associate with "vulnerability" - that is what you're vulnerable to) is natural, but it sometimes does go too far and cripples our ability to relate to others.
Posted by: Maria | July 02, 2008 at 11:05 AM
"People who are perpetually single are so because there is something in their head, some voice, that is telling them that being alone is better. It's safer. It's less work. You get to be the person you want to be, despite the fact that maybe that person isn't the most healthy or rational or conscious."
Or maybe that person IS actually healthy & rational & conscious. It's possible, you know. Being single IS safer in some ways, and less work in some ways, and allows you freedom & autonomy that being paired often doesn't. Everything in life has its pros & cons, and nothing comes without a price.
The only problem I have with your take on things, Moxie, is that you're so damned binary about it. Being single is as valid a choice as being paired. Nobody's forcing you to choose it, but why do you feel so compelled to pathologise those who honestly may prefer to be alone, for any number of legitimate reasons? It makes you seem as condescending as you thought Craig was being in the post-before-last.
It seems like the idea of contented single people actively frightens you or something.
Posted by: | July 02, 2008 at 11:06 AM
Yes I completely agree with the above; moxie, you're being typically american -- way too black and white about things. Your underlying assumption is somehow that it has to be better to be in a couple. You don't even address grey areas like open relationships, etc. There are many solutions for many people.
Posted by: | July 02, 2008 at 11:19 AM
I think Maria might have misread my statement, because we're saying precisely the same things. I said we're programmed for preference, not programmed to do anything. I wasn't being deterministic. Choice is a factor, of course, and so are societal norms.
I guarantee you, though, these preferences are very very very very strong.
Posted by: Jeremy Kareken | July 02, 2008 at 11:31 AM
Society just does not want to believe that someone can actually be happy single or even prefer it. Neither way is better or more right and no one should feel they have to justify their reason.
Quite frankly statements like "being alone is not being alive" is offensive to me (I don't know the song so I may be taking it out of context.) Single people do have family, friends and pets, so they are not truly alone anyway.
Posted by: Maya | July 02, 2008 at 11:48 AM
Most people change very little over time is the sad reality of life.
Some people simply do not have the fortune or merits to have a good mate in this life [no matter how hard they try], it seems precious these days to have a relationship last more then a few years, a reflection of society on a certain level.
Most people expect everything while giving nothing, an upside down pyramid of sorts. When someone says I want a great husband or wife, or this or that, the first thought which comes into my head is "what have you done to deserve it". Of course nothing comes for free in life, and most forget the simple equation that one most give to get, no buts about it. Sounds simple, yet few can abide by that rule of life.
Sounds like your realizing more about yourself and what you need to work on and that's great mox!
Posted by: mr-happy | July 02, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Since meeting my boyfriend last August I have stopped reading your articles Moxie which i so much enjoyed. The last article i remember reading was tha you had met someone and were engaged to be married (I think, right?) But I guess from this article that it did not turn out? If that is the case, I feel for you, and i am sorry. I am 44 and never married. Before I met this man, I was single and practicaly did not date for 11 years, maybe a little here and there. It was not my time, I had to finish night school, I had to take care of a very sick mother w/ a long term illness and watch her die, and then i had to take care of me finally. The universe finally knew that it was time for me to meet my mate, after my mom died I was truely alone regarding family. An only child from Europe and no other family here, both parents dead...i really felt all alone in the world. Well, in the time period of taking care of myself i went to see a therapist who does bi-latteral brain work, i forgot the name of it. But he uses a method of the patient watching a wand go back and forth as they are talking about their fears/issues etc and the patient follows the wand w/ their eyes alone, not moving their head. I went for just a few sessions cause the cost was astronomical, coupled w/ reading the book "Ask and it is Given" by Ester Hicks and her husband and did the excersises to manifest my desire to have a mate. All of these factors allowed the Universe to ready me, to unblock me, to open me up to the man who i believe is the right man for me at this time and place, not the perfect guy, not the guy that made my knees weak but was a Sh*t, pardon the cursing, but the man who truely knows how to nurture me, love me, care for me, support me in all the areas of life. He's a good egg, but i first rejected him cause he was not my "type" ;Was not attracted to him on the get go. But thank goodness he was persistant and i got to see the gem he is under the ruff. So there is hope, but i believe we need to work on our fears thru any means that we can get our hands on. And then, there is God's time, not our time to contend with. God Bless Moxie, you will be in my prayers for I know the ache of a lonely heart.
Best wishes,
Melanie
Posted by: Melanie | July 02, 2008 at 12:21 PM
Hi there Moxie and fellow commenters
I agree with many of these comments. I think that the majority of people, single or not, don't like feeling vulnerable, so that is certainly nothing to criticize yourself for! We all have our baggage or issues in getting close to someone special so it takes time to find the person who understands these things about us and we about them. Plus our emotions and situations can go through cycles, you might be less receptive one month and more open to possibility the next.
I've found that being negative on myself or what I have or don't have in my life only makes me feel worse. We only have one life here on this earth, so you might as well enjoy as many days as you can and think positively about the future. That's how you really feel alive.
Posted by: Nancy | July 02, 2008 at 12:22 PM
The therapy technique mentioned above by Melanie is called EMDR. Its designed for traumatic experiences (plane crashes, rape, war, PTSD, etc) but can also be used for anxiety and other non life threatening things. It can resolve the issue in a few to several sessions rather than longer term talk therapy.
Posted by: beenthere | July 02, 2008 at 12:45 PM
I think this is a great post, Moxie. Lots of good insight about vunerability, openness, etc. I was happy being single for over 10 years, but am much happier in a relationship. I didn't find the right guy until I realized that I was putting obstacles in my way. I had stuff I needed to work on first. Admitting that one wants to be in a relationship but isn't going about it with an open mind is the first step. I also think that NYC is one of the easiest cities in which to be single and consequently one of the hardest to find someone (male or female) who wants to be in a committed relationship.
Posted by: lola | July 02, 2008 at 01:06 PM
I think this is a great post, Moxie. Lots of good insight about vunerability, openness, etc. I was happy being single for over 10 years, but am much happier in a relationship. I didn't find the right guy until I realized that I was putting obstacles in my way. I had stuff I needed to work on first. Admitting that one wants to be in a relationship but isn't going about it with an open mind is the first step. I also think that NYC is one of the easiest cities in which to be single and consequently one of the hardest to find someone (male or female) who wants to be in a committed relationship.
Posted by: lola | July 02, 2008 at 01:07 PM
I agree with the above comment from Mox that what we attract is sometimes a mirror of our own desires. Not everyone "wants" to be single in entirety, but maybe there are aspects of our personality that do. I would love to find the right man to have a solid, fulfilling relationship with, but at the same time, I am 26 years old and I still enjoy going out and meeting new people, and learning about myself and how I relate to them. i guess it just depends on where you are in your life, how you feel, and really what you prioritize as your needs. I personally have realized through my early/mid 20s that I am constantly evolving so much as a person, and as an artist, that it's okay for me to focus on myself right now and really figure out what is important to me. Some people feel that at 26, others might feel it at 40. I think it's important for me to understand myself fully before I expect someone else to understand me. I am communicating to someone else that I am this certain person- inclusive of certin traits, beliefs, hobbies, values- and I want to make sure that I truly am that person before I expect that person to embrace that. Being single and loving yourself and loving the process of self evolution can be just as fulfilling as a relationship, especially as you grow closer to that point where you're truly ready to share all that with someone.
Posted by: MMercer | July 02, 2008 at 01:24 PM
I've come to the conclusion that there are "couple" people and there are "single" people. I know that, as an extrovert, I NEED other people in my life. I enjoy experiences more when they are shared, when I have someone around to experience them with me.
On the other hand, I know a couple of longterm singles that I really think don't NEED to be with other people the way I do. It's just not in their wiring.
And, I don't think that is a bad thing, either way. I think that it's just what we are.
Posted by: trouble | July 02, 2008 at 01:46 PM
Thanks Beenthere, that is it! EMDR! I think it really works!
Posted by: Melanie | July 02, 2008 at 02:01 PM
Back some time ago I remember Mr. Happy posted that he had stopped having casual sex because he is looking for a serious relationship. That is one thing that I realize from reading this blog, the biggest block to serious fulfilling relationships is all the casual sex and flings that people have and until you make a decision like Mr. Happy you will not find the real thing that MOST crave. I hope things are going well for you in your search Mr. Happy. I hope it was okay to use you as an example.
Posted by: | July 02, 2008 at 03:45 PM
Hi
I was reading the blog and I just wanted to clarify what "Melanie" had said about a treatment modality that is used by counselors. What it sounds like she was referring to was EMDR. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It is a very successful approach to trauma, fears and letting go of the past.
Posted by: Cyn | July 02, 2008 at 05:09 PM
A very insightful piece, Moxie; well done! I think trusting someone enough to bare your soul is difficult for anyone, and it gets harder as the years pass because we tend to accumulate more "embarrassments" with time. Still, I've found almost nothing to be more relieving and bonding in a relationship than being able to share the skeletons in our closet and be loved and accepted just the same. You just need to find the right person and right time to allow each another to be vulnerable and share--it also requires both partners to have pretty highly developed emotional intelligence, at that, I've found, is the hard part. I wish you luck. And again, thanks for providing something out of the ordinary.
Posted by: A Tree in the Forest | July 02, 2008 at 05:44 PM
"Nobody's forcing you to choose it, but why do you feel so compelled to pathologise those who honestly may prefer to be alone, for any number of legitimate reasons?"
To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature. By "perpetually single" I'm talking years. And I will stand by my opinion that someone who claims to choose to want to be single over the course of multiple years is a boldface liar or has completely deluded themself into believing that lie.
"Single people do have family, friends and pets, so they are not truly alone anyway."
How many of us can say we interact daily or even weekly with our friends and family? How available are our friends and family when push comes to shove, especially when they have family of their own? And, really, I love my cats...but they're not people. Sure, they provide comfort and are a form of company...but claiming that your pet can give you the response and reaction that a human being can give you is ludicrous. My statements don't offend you, they make you feel bad about yourself and your choices.
Posted by: Moxie | July 02, 2008 at 07:13 PM
Moxie,
I have been single for one year now. I can honestly say that I HATE it! To me, being single is NOT being fully alive. I am not afraid to admit this, because I have never approached love for anything other than what it is - love. I am perfectly designed to exist alone - I have a career, I take care of myself, I have goals and I have things, and I don't even want children, but there's just something missing, like a terrible gaping hole, without someone to love.
We live in a world that constantly bombards us with the conflicting ideals of a "happily ever after" vision wherein Prince Charming, the "One", or our true love will "find" us one day, and the hard truth standpoint that we are somehow weak, insecure, needy or co-dependent for wanting this vision to come into our lives. (WTF?) We were not meant to live our lives "alone", yet somehow we are trained to be uber self-sufficient emotionally, almost as a macho rite of passage. If you truly "want" to be single then it doesn't bother you that you are. I think it's that simple. Obviously, it bothers you, so you blog about it and you give us all a place to air our grievances and feel not so alone in our perpetual aloneness. I thank you for that.
Posted by: Heathen | July 02, 2008 at 08:16 PM
I think single-hood sucks more if you have shit relations with your family, because then you are truly alone.
On the other hand if you have a decent size family with lots of love it sure makes being single easier!
Posted by: Mr-happy | July 02, 2008 at 08:33 PM
"To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature. By "perpetually single" I'm talking years. And I will stand by my opinion that someone who claims to choose to want to be single over the course of multiple years is a boldface liar or has completely deluded themself into believing that lie."
Well, you're wrong. And thank whatever powers that be that it's not up to you to legislate how the rest of us get to live our lives.
"How many of us can say we interact daily or even weekly with our friends and family?"
I can. Or am I lying about that, too?
"How available are our friends and family when push comes to shove, especially when they have family of their own?"
I guess that depends on what kind of friends/family you have and how desperately needy you are.
"And, really, I love my cats...but they're not people. Sure, they provide comfort and are a form of company...but claiming that your pet can give you the response and reaction that a human being can give you is ludicrous."
If you're a raging introvert and find people taxing, then yes, pets can fulfill a good deal of one's companionship needs. Not all, but a good deal. Again, depending on how needy one is. That's something that's going to vary by the individual. Infinite variations - imagine that!
"My statements don't offend you, they make you feel bad about yourself and your choices."
No, it's the very definition of offensive for a complete stranger to proclaim that they know what I want or need better than I do, and also essentially call me a liar in the process. You are projecting your own fears, pure and simple. Why you're so freaked out that some people might not require exactly the things that you require is baffling, but that's what happening. How's that binary worldview working for you, anyway?
Posted by: griffin | July 02, 2008 at 09:32 PM
"If you're a raging introvert and find people taxing..."
Let me finish that for you. "....then you have some form of a disorder or can not relate to people in a healthy and functional way."
"I can. Or am I lying about that, too?"
Phone calls and e-mails don't count. Again, that's impersonal forms of contact and communication. Now, maybe you live with your family or near them and maybe all your friends aren't married, have kids, or have active social and professional lives. But that's not typical. Single people in their late 30's and 40's usually don't have much in the way of other single friends (and if they do, that's another reason that contributes to why they're single.)
The only people I know who scoff at someone else admitting that they need someone and feel their life would be better with someone are people who once felt the same way, never met anyone because they couldn't/didn't work out their own issues, and then turned around and decided everyone else who feels that way is weak because they're ashamed that they once felt the same way.
"No, it's the very definition of offensive for a complete stranger to proclaim that they know what I want or need better than I do,"
Nobody did that. I wrote my opinion. And then you personalized it and got defensive because you have your own issues surrounding this. Don't make it out like I wrote this post specifically to offend YOU. That's how you took it, which is not about me. That's about you. Most people took the post as it was meant. As an introspective piece that attempted to be encouraging. But no, YOU were offended by it. You took something completely innocuous and processed it through your own filters and deemed it offensive. Why? Because you're exactly the type of person I mentioned in the post. You're happy being alone? Then why do you sound so angry and bitter? If what I say is so "binary" and you feel so justified in your convictions and beliefs, then why or how could anything I say bother you? Why are you taking it as such a personal slight? You can disagree and debate with me all you want. But that doesn't explain why you're so offended by something a complete stranger (in your words) says.
Posted by: Moxie | July 02, 2008 at 10:02 PM
I personally don't enjoy being alone. Never have. But still, there are times when its better than the alternative. I've been unhappier at times with a woman then I am alone. Maybe there is something wrong with me for being alone so long, but having seen some very sad, unhappily married people, I prefer to keep my freedon and keep my options open, rather then to couple up out of desperation and feel trapped.
I don't think anyone really wants to be alone. But some people handle it better than others and can manage to enjoy their lives without a mate. Its hard but its better than being miseable about not having that special someone. I do have some nice days exploring the city alone. Sure it would be better to have someone to do it with but there are times when the thrill of a new discovery/adventure makes me feel alive.
Posted by: Robert Y. | July 02, 2008 at 10:55 PM
"Let me finish that for you. "....then you have some form of a disorder or can not relate to people in a healthy and functional way."
Introversion is no more a disorder than extroversion is. Come on, you know this! You're just picking a fight because you don't like people disagreeing with you.
"And then you personalized it and got defensive because you have your own issues surrounding this. Don't make it out like I wrote this post specifically to offend YOU. That's how you took it, which is not about me."
And I'm expressing *my* opinion because you generalized it into a blanket statement, as you are prone to do, making a proclamation that there is only one way to live, and all others are wrong. That's not innocuous, that's condescending and judgmental, which appears to get your back up when it's someone saying something about *you*. You're quick enough to dish it out, but you don't like to take it very much.
I'm neither angry or bitter, nor have I ever posted anything rude or insulting here, although having the way one lives one's life marginalised as flawed & self-deluded is surely enough to put one on the defensive, don't you think? I asked a fair question: why does it freak you out so much that some people might be happy with different choices than you'd make for yourself? I'll point out that *I* haven't scoffed at anyone's choices: if you need/want someone in your life then by all means, do whatever it takes to make that happen. But allow others the same freedom, without the snarky condescension.
Look at it this way: if you were to make the similarly sweeping generalisations about, say, homosexuality, would it be so surprising if someone piped up to say, "Hey, that's really narrow-minded & judgmental of you!"?
"If what I say is so "binary" and you feel so justified in your convictions and beliefs, then why or how could anything I say bother you?"
Because to let ignorant statements pass uncontested is to be part of the problem.
"But that doesn't explain why you're so offended by something a complete stranger (in your words) says."
Because you've set yourself up as an expert, doling out advice. It's offensive to see you vent your spleen on something you're clearly not as informed about as you think you are, and by which you appear to be so deeply threatened.
Posted by: griffin | July 02, 2008 at 11:17 PM
Hey! Moxie, I totally resent your "ludicrous" statement regarding pets. My husband is on a yearlong deployment and I spend a "ludicrous" amount of time with my 1-yr old puppy. I have raised her since she was 8 weeks old, mostly it's just the two of us. She talks to me, I talk to her. We have entire discussions, go everywhere together, snuggle. She gets mad at me, I get mad at her. If you think you need "human" words to have a great relationship, maybe you need to close your mouth and learn how to speak with other creatures starting with your poor cats (hint, words are not required... I know you are a blogger, so it must seem like a requirement to you sometimes.) I like people, too, and love some people, but I have always preferred "animal animals" because they are not as manipulative and do not over-analyze everything like "human animals" do. Try being quiet, listening to and observing other creatures -- including humans. Sounds like you might gain some inner peace that way and it might even lead you to the relationships with others that you desire. PS I also don't have "obedience" issues with my pup like most people seem to have with their animals, despite an almost total lack of "training". We are just friends and we come to an agreement on things without a lot of fuss. She is almost never on a leash despite living in the Bay Area, never has been and doesn't need one (unless I want to put passersby at ease, since she is a 100-lb puppy). That could be a metaphor for life, I don't know...
Posted by: SandV | July 03, 2008 at 04:38 AM
I would agree that a balance of time with others and by oneself is normal, but what about the other end of the spectrum which is the:
EXTROVERT
Is that not normal either but in the other direction?
Yes there are actually folks who can not stand to be alone even for a few hours...
Posted by: Mr-happy | July 03, 2008 at 07:04 AM
If I had a choice (and I do), if I look at myself and a friend of mine, I am perpetually single, and yes, by choice, I have many opportunities, but yanno? I'm not jumping into something bad just to be with another human. I have a healthy very social life, but also the desire to be on my own...quite a bit.
Girlfriend on the other hand, hates being alone, will date before she's even put the previous relationship to bed in her mind,sleep with men unabashedly in hope that they will stick around. In fact, has very few female friends other than myself.
Which one is more healthy?
Posted by: harmony1969 | July 03, 2008 at 07:37 AM
Do people actually choose to be single? I know that I rather be in a relationship that I'll be happy in; rather than just settle or take scraps in order to avoid being alone. I've learned to live being single and there are positive things to being single; however, I do hope to be in a good relationship someday. Is being single a choice?
Posted by: Jojo | July 03, 2008 at 07:54 AM
"To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature."
This just assumes what you are trying to prove. I've been consulting with myself about this issue for several decades and I can report that it is not in my nature to be in a relationship. I am always happier (and healthier) when I'm single with lots of dating opportunuties (not "alone" per se). People DO lie about their reasons for being single, but I have no reason to lie here. As for others, I can't speak for them, but in my expereince, nothwithstanding their lies, I don't see that people are so satisfied in their relationships either. So, I'm not sure we can assume that being paired up is somehow a state of nature. But, I get your rhetorical technique, Moxie -- not sure why people get so upset by it.
Posted by: DrivingMeNutes | July 03, 2008 at 07:55 AM
I don't know what to say that has not already been said. Myself I don't feel as if I am alone, it more a matter of living by myself. I have known love, not the kind which grows with time, but the kind which knocks your socks off and rocks your world to the core, call it lust if you will, but then it is possible you don't really understand the concept of "it". Because it is possible you have not experianced "it" there is also the likelyhood you certianly would not understand rather remaining by yourself than to settle for less then what you have known.
Posted by: Blanch | July 03, 2008 at 08:42 AM
Driving me Nuts - Curious as to how old you are that you say "I've been consulting with myself about this issue for several decades". Sometimes I think the longer we live our lives a certain way that becomes the way we WANT to live our lives. Just like children for some people it is right for some not and long term relationships or marriage are the same. Not everybody wants the same things. I think Honesty is the only thing that matters that you are honest with yourself and honest with the people in your lives. People who don't necessarily want to be married but get pressured into it are usually not happy same goes for having kids. Live and let live and if PEOPLE could just stop telling everyone else what they did is best and if you only did what they did you would be happy. I have found the ones who are trying to convince you that their lives are so great are usually the ones who are most unhappy. Marriage is the most wonderful state for me but I recognize it is because I happened to be lucky enough to find the Perfect guy for me. I was a very happy single person as well and my husband said he liked that about me that he knew I was happy by myself. Happy Single People are usually happy married people and unhappy single people are usually unhappy married people. As we have been told for centuries true happiness comes from within before we can share it outside ourselves.
Posted by: | July 03, 2008 at 08:47 AM
"it is not in
my nature to be in a relationship. I am always happier (and healthier) when I'm single with lots of dating opportunuties (not "alone" per se)."
Driving Me Nuts: You say that you're happier and healthier when you're not in a relationship. Why do you date? If you're dating, doesn't it mean that you're subconciously looking for something more? Isn't that the concept of dating to date until you find one you want to be exclusive with? I guess I'm just confused how people choose to be single but yet they look to date!
Posted by: Jojo | July 03, 2008 at 09:53 AM
I think the main point of the thread is....
To Each His Own
No one size fits all
It's a mistake to try to push people into your own head space or comfort zone because it may not be theirs.
Buddha was a happy being on his own and actually left a wife, kids and kingship for enlightenment...How many people would do that...
Go Figure!
Posted by: Mr-happy | July 03, 2008 at 10:23 AM
"Why do you date? If you're dating, doesn't it mean that you're subconciously looking for something more? Isn't that the concept of dating to date until you find one you want to be exclusive with? I guess I'm just confused how people choose to be single but yet they look to date!"
Well, here's my explanation: sometimes you want to spend time with someone (or have sex with someone), but that doesn't mean you want to marry them, or that you will develop feelings for them. So you can have casual relationships, but remain single. Hell, some men do this throughout their lives, and no-one calls them out on it (not by saying they're sick or maladjusted, anyways).
I think you need to keep an open mind, even if you choose to be single. You never know who you're going to meet. But the fact that some people have decided to stay single instead of settling for less than ideal relationships doesn't mean they are condemned to be unhappy. Many people choose to be single, even celibate!, and don't have their sanity or mental health put in question.
Now, Moxie's point seems to be that you can't lead a happy life being single. In fact, research on happiness suggests that we all overestimate how happier things like finding a partner, getting married, or getting a promotion will make us. People have their long-run level of happiness (or misery), and that is to a large extent separate from what our circumstances are.
Finally,
"To always want to be alone for an extended period of time is not healthy and goes against our nature. By "perpetually single" I'm talking years. And I will stand by my opinion that someone who claims to choose to want to be single over the course of multiple years is a boldface liar or has completely deluded themself into believing that lie."
Is there anything that would convince you otherwise? Any piece of evidence? Or is this an article of faith?
Posted by: Maria | July 03, 2008 at 10:24 AM
"Now, Moxie's point seems to be that you can't lead a happy life being single."
Uh, no, it wasn't. The point was that life is a little bit easier, a little bit more enjoyable, a little bit more worth enduring when you're fighting the good fight along side someone. I guess what you took from the post depends on whether you ahve a glass half full or half empty mentality.
Posted by: Moxie | July 03, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Well, there have been some interesting things said here but what i will add is this - i had a long bout of no real dating and even some of that was celibate. But during that time I wasn't really unhappy b/c would it have been better to be with someone who bored me to death just to have someone? or someone who is bad in bed? or someone who wasn't too bright? or someone who I'm wondering if he's cheating on me (or someone who DOES cheat)? or someone who doesn't take care of himself? or someone only with me til something better comes along? or someone who is only playing games? I agree it's better to be with someone and we will all have to make some certain compromises as we can't create our perfect mate (and we'd find our idea of perfect changes with time). I have love and been loved a lot in my life and I have wonderful friends and family. I am very, very lucky - b/c when I am without an S O, I am not lonely. People who were in love with me still love me (not in love, but would be there for me). I never made a 'bad' choice with a mate so I'm still friends with all of them. They just weren't right for the long haul. I do agree that life is easier and perhaps yes, more enjoyable, with a mate BUT it has to be the RIGHT mate and sometimes, Mox, try as we might by all the work we do on ourselves to break bad past patterns and all the 'getting out there' we do - we still dont find him/her. I do want to find someone for the long haul, but I am by no means desperate and I do enjoy being single and am a very happy individual. So, for now, without a sig other, I'm doing ok. My eyes are open and I'm available emotionally. It will happen when it's meant to - even if it's not til i'm 50. But being happy being single keeps me strong esp when reading your column that certainly makes women over a certain age think 'slim or no pickins or you'll have to settle big time if you want anyone at all'. Thank goodness, at 43, those thoughts are NEVER in my head. I'm a great person and people who know me quickly realize that. I will find the person I was meant to be with soon or maybe not so soon - but I'll never get with someone just to have someone. That is a recipe for disaster.
Posted by: | July 03, 2008 at 11:33 AM
Well, i may be coming from a very traditional and conservative background, but even the Catholic Church says that some people are made to be married, some people are made to lead the religious life and some people are made to be single. I think Moxie is one of those that is made to be married and many out there for what ever reason are better living the single life. What the church says though whether its single in religious life, or as a lay person, that it is important to live in community; to interact w/ people, to be a responsible participant of that community where there is support, and one gets a sense of wellness from being a part of a group. Unfortunately, this is not happening much in the Catholic Church for single people, at least not in the parish i had belonged to.
But it depends on the single person to look for groups to belong to where there is a sense of community, i think this is what is missing for many singles, a place to belong, to feel connected to, to be supported by. I also believe that if a person has good connections in their neighborhood/community and has a rich spiritual life, this can be more than enough to live a rewarding single life, but i do stress the spiritual component; for it is that, that fills that whole in our hearts that we believe will be filled when we meet that special other. This whole can be filled when following a meditative/prayerful lifestyle in what ever faith one belongs to.
I had many wonderful single years by myself and being celibate to boot (yes, unheard of in this day and age!). Dont get me wrong there were moments of yearning that would well up like a wave at times from my heart, here and there, but for the most part, they were productive, adventurous good years.
But like Moxie, I was meant to be in relationship w/ that one person and now it has arrived, w/ its own challenges. It's all a journey. But I have to say that there are people who are just made to be single and are better off single than in relationships like marraige or living together situations. And there is nothing wrong with that. "Know thyself"....is the best advise that could be given.
Posted by: Melanie | July 03, 2008 at 11:51 AM
" "Now, Moxie's point seems to be that you can't lead a happy life being single."
Uh, no, it wasn't. The point was that life is a little bit easier, a little bit more enjoyable, a little bit more worth enduring when you're fighting the good fight along side someone. I guess what you took from the post depends on whether you have a glass half full or half empty mentality."
That's backpedaling if I ever saw it. From your original post
"We've convinced ourselves that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or that we're much happier exploring our options. Bull shit."
OK, so it's not happy vs. unhappy but that it's "bull shit" that people can be much happier being single. I think I wasn't that far off characterizing your point. (And frankly I don't think I deserved the condescending "uh".)
Now, you say life is "a little bit easier, a little bit more enjoyable, a little bit more worth enduring when you're fighting the good fight along side someone". A lot of people voluntarily enter into relationships, so it's pretty evident that what you say is true for most people. But what would it take for you to say that it's not true for all people? That there's a group of people who have found that they lead better lives when they're by themselves (or with their families) than when they're with someone else? We could say that they haven't found the *right* person --- but what if the right person doesn't exist?
I'm saying this as someone who's currently single, but would love nothing more than sharing my life with someone else. I just see how other people could make completely different choices, choices that make *them* happier than they would me.
Posted by: Maria | July 03, 2008 at 12:29 PM
"But what would it take for you to say that it's not true for all people? "
Nothing, because in my opinion people who choose to be alone do so because they either have emotional issues, can't function in society, are dejected or in some other negative state of mind. If somebody offered a person the option of being with a compatible partner who treated them well, or being alone, they'd choose the former. Not changing my mind about this. So you can pick apart my posts and ocmments and try to create an argument. All you're really proving is that you need to be right and that you need to justify something. I'm not trying to justify my life or the fact that I'm single. You disagree with me. Okay. Got it. But I couldn't care less if you don't "get" me. My life goes on and my opinions don't change. You don't want to consider whether anything i say has any merit. You just want to get me to agree with you because you need to be right. I'm single because of my own choices and behaviors. I'm okay with admitting that and working on those issues. You don't have to agree.
Posted by: Moxie | July 03, 2008 at 12:56 PM
I know I don't have to agree. I'm new to your blog, so I'm trying to see how the comments section works. I'm used to them being more of a debate, but apparently what you like is for everyone to simply state their opinions.
I don't need you to agree with me, but I enjoy debating. I like to see many sides of an issue and choose what I believe afterwards. Yeah, I like to think I'm right, but I've yet to meet anyone who enjoys being wrong, so the only difference is that while I'm willing to entertain the idea that I'm wrong, you make up your mind and that's it. Apparently you need to believe the world is one way and anything else upsets you.
That's fine, I'll keep on reading the blog. I don't think I'll partake in the comments again, though.
Posted by: Maria | July 03, 2008 at 01:10 PM
A partner who 'treats you well' isn't all there is mox!!! One of my best buds treats his girlfriend well, but is not physically attracted to her so finds physical realease outside the relationship - I'd DEFINITELY rather be alone than have that 'treats me well' guy. Plus I'd put compatibility in most areas above ANYTHING else a partner has to offer. They can treat you like a queen but be boring as batshit or a horrible lover (as I mentioned in a former post). How is that better than being alone? Listening to someone drone on about things you could care less about. Or what about a perpetually unhappy or angry person? One of the great let downs of my life was breaking up with a boyfriend when I was 29 who I loved to death and he loved me to death but he would just never be happy. I knew I may never find a match like that again, but to be missing on the point of happiness and me having to try to bring him up all the time was tiring and I made the RIGHT choice of ending it. And now, at 43, even though we are the best of friends and all, I still know I made the right choice b/c all these years later he is still that unhappy guy I dated in my 20s except now he's 43 with a wife and baby and I think will never change. I'm sorry but sometimes the choice to be single is because you made the RIGHT decisions to not make the WRONG one.
Posted by: | July 03, 2008 at 01:14 PM
I do believe that some people prefer to be single - i.e. not in a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that they don't have people in their lives. Deep friendships and close family ties do count toward 'Being Alive'.
That said, I definitely agree that some people don't want to be vulnerable and find being single safer. I am a woman with a history of serious emotional distance and neglect in my childhood. As an adult, my surviving family members have pretty much abandoned each other. It's a painful situation and it is certainly why I have had to accept that my close friends are truly my family. I am lucky to have found a community of people who I don't think I could get through life without. I know that this history has created for me a preference for being single -(in terms of romantic relationships). I am someone who has spent a lot of time being single. It's not that I cannot attract men, it's just that I so often put out signals of disinterest. Are these signals intentional? My guess is that sometimes they are intentional and other times I wish that I could get better at putting out signals of approachability. I am still in the process of learning how to let friends into my life more fully.
Do I want a relationship? I think that I can say that I do. But to be honest, I think this desire for a relationship is in part due to feeling lonely AND to feeling societal pressure to 'get a man'.
Posted by: isa.how | July 03, 2008 at 01:36 PM
isa.how, we are a lot alike. Right now, b/c I'm in my early forties, i feel like I need to be out there trying to find a man to be with. But honestly YES I do want a relationship but i HATE dating and the crap that goes along with it. I've said this before here,I would love to meet a guy at a party or something and have some mutual interest and then maybe go on a date etc. That just never happens and I LOATHE the internet - 'hi, we're here to date' thing. I really don't want to look but I feel like societally I SHOULD want to look or I'll 'end up alone'. I have no problems being single and yes there are many parts of being a couple that are great but there are many parts that are not. I travel a lot for business and love to go out with my friends and I dont' want that cramped. Luckily I haven't had that happen in relationships but I know that it can as most my friends are guys and that could be an issue. I give off signs of disinterest b/c I want to be the one who decides on a guy and then have him approach me rather than being approached and have to then decide. It is a GREAT rarity in person or online that I am approached by someone who I feel I would have approached. It's happened, but then I get to know them and there are other incompatibilities. I do hope I meet someone to spend my life with but right now I'm trying to do what makes and keeps me happy rather than focusing on 'time is a running by, gotta find a man' b/c that is just crazy. I could meet the love of my life 20 yrs from now, who knows. No rules on that. Yes, reproductive years may be gone by then, but that is not all coupling up is.
Posted by: | July 03, 2008 at 02:45 PM
The real issue for me is here is so much societal pressure to be coupled that one feels pretty awful if they aren't. If you think about it, boldfaced asking a person why they are still single is pretty rude and intrusive. Do we ask people why they are married (even when it's obvious that things aren't going well at all) no, we don't . Why then can't there be the same respect for single people? If people are asking why they are single to set them up simply asking if they'd like to meet someone (if infact they have someone they think might be a good match then fine, other wise why ask? If some single people feel like there's something wrong with them isn't at least part of it because we are made to feel that way?
As for the question of really being alive it all depends on what you are looking for? Happiness does come within although it would be wonderful to have someone to share your life with (at least this is how I feel). On the other hand, if we are pairing off just to avoid being alone but, there's no real sharing or caring in the relationship are we really in a relationship at all ?
Posted by: Lydia | July 03, 2008 at 03:39 PM
"How many of us can say we interact daily or even weekly with our friends and family?"
Hmm, lets see. I have 2 friends that I talk to every single day, 3 friends I meet up with on a weekly basis, and I talk to my family weekly. And some of those friends/family are married or partnered in some way.
"How available are our friends and family when push comes to shove, especially when they have family of their own?"
When my mother died, I had friends drive hours to be with me. When I am upset at 2 in the morning, I have a friends I can call.
"My statements don't offend you, they make you feel bad about yourself and your choices."
"but claiming that your pet can give you the response and reaction that a human being can give you is ludicrous."
I did not claim that. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Just meant that having a pet (something to come home to) means you are not alone.
I am happy with my choices. But yes, people telling me that my choices are wrong make me feel bad.
Posted by: Maya | July 03, 2008 at 04:17 PM
Moxie,
This is certainly one of your better posts in my opinion. Really heartfelt and I appreciate it. I must say however, after being in a disasterous marriage and then going to a long drawn out on again, off again, I took a year off to be alone and single. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Did I enjoy every minute? Not at all. Working through the loneliness was HARD, but important for me to do. Now, after about a year, I feel ready to get back into the game with a better understanding of my own faults as well as positive attributes. I did the work on myself that I never would have if I had been in a relationship all this time. Do I hope to find true and lasting love sooner than later? You betcha. If it takes longer, that's OK too. At least I know for certain that being alone won't kill me, as a matter of fact, quite the opposite. Considering that in the past year I've been healthier, happier and have more money (!) than at any time I was ever with a guy, I'm sometimes hesitant to get back to looking for someone. But I do agree that it's important to be vulnerable to someone you can trust. It's important to put yourself out there, but it's also hard. I completely agree with your assessment that we find in others our own intentions. I'll say to you what I say to myself..."keep the faith. Keep moving in whatever direction is right to you and be willing to play along with the universe. Because hey, you just never know." :)
Posted by: myname2use4now | July 04, 2008 at 11:56 AM
Perhaps there is only so much loss people can handle, before taking it upon themselves to decide it is better off to remain alone, rather than to take the chance of once again being abandoned by those whom are trusted to forever love…
Posted by: | July 04, 2008 at 02:17 PM
Mox, I generally agree with much of what you say, but I don't agree that not being alone equals a romantic relationship. Actually I find that people (in particular women) who act as if love from sources other than the particular man they are sleeping with are generally the one's with fairly deep emotional issues.
Imagine a single person who has friends and family members who call him or her at least once a day and sometimes several times per day. This person has the ability to make social plans with people several times per week. She/he has good relationships with their neighbors. Is this person alone?
I realize that we live in a culture that gives the highest validation to 'the couple.' I get that. I also know there is an alarming number of alienated and lonely people. I believe deeply that the alienation is due in part to people not placing high enough value on non-sexual relationships.
Although I am at the point in my life when I desire a romantic relationship, I know better than to burden a romantic relationship with the huge responsbility for keeping me not ALONE.
Posted by: isa.how | July 05, 2008 at 11:34 AM