Good Enough

I always get insecure just before a large party. Probably because there is so much responsibility on my shoulders. I want everyone to have fun and I want the space to be perfect and want people to feel comfortable.

I'm having a "not good enogh" moment. I feel fat and unattractive.

I need you to tell me why I shouldn't. Sounds crazy, I know. But it's part of my "be vulnerable" mission.

I need to hear why I'm good enough.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Maria]

OK, I'll start.

I've never met you personally, but I can sympathize with feeling like this at times of great stress. You have no reason to feel insecure (the fat and unattractive bit I'm just positive is not true, but this is just what us women are conditioned to think when we're insecure): you organize super successful parties, networking events, and countless other things that for sure make a (good!) difference in the lives of other people. That's not easy, it takes a smart, proactive, dynamic, strong person. Being insecure about this makes you human - there's nothing wrong with you, at all.

You're more than "good enough". (Good enough for whom, anyways? Anyone who thinks in those terms is probably not good enough for you). You are great (and I mean this, despite my disagreements on the other thread. I really do).

Hope that helps :)

[Jill]

I agree with Maria. You're more than good enough. Your smart, sassy, independent, NOT fat, and from what I gather, an all around cool chick.

Being vulnerable makes us normal.. who would ever want to date or even be friends with a person who had no emotional depth?

Plus, you go out of your way to give great advice (asking for nothing in return) and you throw parties with the purpose of helping people feel less lonely in the world. Be stoked on yourself- not many people could do what you do.

[trouble]

You are, in non-alphabetical order:

intelligent
articulate
caring
brave
adventurous
snarky
hilarious
and a fucking sexy beast.

To help you with this process, my suggestion is that you get an affirmation that you want to internalize, put it on your bathroom mirror, and read it every day. I'm a big one for beating myself up after the fact for something I did or said, so mine (that has been on my mirror for a year and is pretty much internalized) says:

~~~Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.~~~

It's a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson who is always good for such things. I highly recommend him. I'd suggest:

"Always do what you are afraid to do."

Awwwwwww Moxie, you're not fat. Really, you're slender and thin and gorgeous. But that Julia Allison ... now SHE's fat. Muy chubbo. I mean, have you seen HER LEGS? How does she leave the house? Fat cow.

I wonder why you feel inadequate? Maybe it's because you are a fantastic cunt who spends all her time tearing down other people. Could it be karma? Maybe if you were kind and loving to others, you might receive some in return.

[Miranda]

You will have a fantastic event. Don't you have 500 people coming? Kudos to you for being able to attract such a large crowd...that's takes talent and a great reputation.

[Mr-happy]

Your sincerity to care for your guests is very good indeed.

Mox your an attractive women.

We all will get older and lose our looks at some point, it's also what's inside that matters.

Finally....

Love yourself.

LOVE yourself, and other people too and that's mostly what matters.

Good luck with your event sweetie!

Happy-Man

[OF]

Whenever I feel inadequate about my looks, I think back to a time when I looked the same, but felt good and not these same negative emotions... Therefore, its all in your head. Go workout, go for a run.. it will do wonders for you. Cheers.

[partygirl]

Look at how many people you have helped immensely.... I think you are a truly phenomenal woman. You're smart, sassy, aware, generous, caring, thoughtful, introspective, and downright hot and sexy. I could go on and on...I hope you have a fantastic night. Please let us know ;-)

[ALH]

You're good enough because you are honest even though many people mistake that honesty for a lack of kindness. You don't coddle people, and you actually expect everyone to behave properly. You have standards, Moxie.

And another thing? You are good enough because YOU are the best thing that's ever happened to you.

[Paola]

I've never met you, because I'm on the other side of the pond, so I can't say anything to cheer you up about your looks -- and you know that there's nobody out there except you that can make you feel better about them...

But one thing I can tell you: I've been reading your blog for 4 years now, and I am a writer (a mediocre one, but still!) and one hell of a picky reader. That must mean something.

[Jojo]

Of course you are good enough! Don't let your insecurities make you feel any less of yourself. I met you once and we spoke on the phone. You helped me with my problem. I love reading your posts. It takes a strong person to do what you do. It just goes to show how we all have our insecurities even though we might not come across as so. you strike me as a tough, brave and strong woman. Good luck!ou are a strong

I came to your part with one of my friends last night. I admit that at first the guys who where there were not the typical guys I usually date. You saw us sitting by ourselves on one of the couches, came over to us and talked to us. You asked why we weren't mingling with the rest of the crowd and we told you that we didn't see anyone interesting. You then told us to "snap out of it" and proceeded to tell us that we could meet someone who could end up introducing us to someone great. You walked us around and introduced us to men and women. We ended up hanging with a group of people who invited us to go for dinner after the party. At dinner there was a guy that was friends with the people we met at the party. I hit it off with him and now we're going for drinks on Saturday night. None of that would have happened if you hadn't taken the time to come over to us and encourage us to mingle. No other organizer of Meetups that I belong to would have done that.

[Mr-happy]

Hey that's great posted-by, I guess the point is change and good change for that matter can come about when we step outside of our comfort zone, I hope it works out for you!

There always seems to be stories about Moxie's generosity towards others, now Mox show yourself the same love, you deserve it!

[Mira]

"I'm having a "not good enogh" moment.....

I need to hear why I'm good enough." --Moxie

Just remember, this life is about YOU, not everyone else (THEY do not & cannot breathe for YOU... separate "lungs" & organs you see).

Why would you think what everyone else think? Why bother? Really... even if YOU are the topic of discussion for a group gathering.... how long will that last (even for Bush, Obama, McCain etc? 3 secs to an hr (if it is a debate group topic) in someone's mind & memory perhaps (which after everyone have their own life & job to go back to)? Then they move on to their own daily thingy (so whats more important than themselves, then the other lives "spouse", "kids", "families", "friends")....

YOU want to justify if you are good enough? YOU, and ONLY YOU can do that! Because in this life, there is NO ONE more IMPORTANT to YOU than YOURSELF!!!

Seriously, if you have an oops in your health (with "crippling" pain on thy body that you cannot get out of bed "neck/back pain" etc...) think you'll be still worried if someone "thinks" of what you wrote or how you have behaved? I don't think so!

Focus on YOURSELF, for if you don't WHO else will?

"You cannot tell a beggar who is happy making tax-free "simplicity" money begging in NYC that he is NOT happy as you can't tell or convince a billionaire that he is happy with all the "extras headaches" money but plus all the taxes/insurances/laws or codes he has to abide at plus his "upkeeps" he is happy."

Really, happiness & good enough are from within!

Who is to say if you are good enough or aren't but you are? You have something to proof asking that question... everyone else don't! They are not YOU!

Then remember... everyone bleeds RED (equal), not BLUE (special).... but we the "self" think WE are! Only we can fight for ourself... not for someone else to justify us!

[hudugi]

Moxie,

"I always get insecure just before a large party. Probably because there is so much responsibility on my shoulders. I want everyone to have fun and I want the space to be perfect and want people to feel comfortable." - I too feel that way before the party starts and my therapist said that it is "Anticipatory Anxiety" and is fairly common for people with perfectionist personalities. Once th party starts, it calms down on its own.

Now about the "I'm having a "not good enough" moment. I feel fat and unattractive." - When people are tense about something, it is common to have the "not good enough" moment and in your case it shows as: "I feel fat and unattractive". It becomes more intense if you are PMSing...

Talking about it to friends always helps...

[isa.how]

You are good enough because...you just are. Enough said.

[VJ]

Well other commentators have come thought and said some very fine & useful things, which is par for the course here and we can all be thankful of that. And that it has yet to descend into a Stewart Smalley moment. We hope the event went just swell and exceeded expectations too, BTW.

Me, I'm going to turn the lens around for a moment. Sort of a counter intuitive approach. Now going in the door you know the (rough) ages of the folks there. Don't compare yourself to the youngish ones 'in competition' who are a few years younger. (It's tempting, but Don't!) Just look at the guys. OK now look at the guys your age and slightly above. Depressing innit? LOTS of fat & unattractive men who are somehow deluded otherwise. And then they open their mouths to talk and they usually become Less attractive. (This is why the 'strong silent types' remain attractive year after year. They're Silent (Mostly)!) If they (err...WE) can manage to think of themselves as not just 'good enough' but 'great catches', hey why not you too?

OK so that's just depressing on a whole 'nother level? And that's not helping? How long have you been a native New Yorker? Just asking. Hope your 4th was Happy anyway! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[Mr-happy]

I think our nation [and many of the it's people] are falling apart and are in serious decline, and unfortunately many individuals reflect that decline.

Most people treat their bodies /minds in addition to their country like shit, and then wonder why so people and our land is lost at a mature age.

Sorry to be negative this morning but serious change for the positive requires sacrifice and most people, and I agree with VJ many older man are simply not willing to do it, ahh women to frankly.

But the piper has to be paid at some point.

Frankly I think China maybe the new lion of the 21st century, we've become a lazy, entitled, and self-centered bunch in this land, especially the older folks.

Sorry if it's off topic, but I believe that so many people are so off in their actions and thinking these days, yet still expecting the same result, that's just crazy...

We need to stop partying as a country, roll up our sleeves and get our asses back to what made our country great.

Our founding fathers would be deeply disappointed in us.

[Mira]

^^^ Spot on!

And what a great nation to be "wasted". If YOU as an American don't think & do good of your own country, think another stranger country will?

This is off topic, but somehow relates...

Starts from a YOU (the self), then your family ( "Charity starts at home", don't be thinking China will be adding to the Red Cross fund to help any major disasters in the US as we have helped others when we were doing better as a strong financial country; think UN & all those years of how much US fundings "the major sponsor" goes into UN... and you think they have aid US in its international politics??? Think again!)... then your Country (for without this great country, YOU will not have THAT FAMILY... then THAT YOU).

So, really who can cares about someone else or even another country when that YOU yourself is not taken care of? Loyalty to the SELF, YOUR COUNTRY goes a long, long way....
and what can break this country would be a big disloyal bunch (foreigners, new immigrants, old immigrants or even local citizens) that would sell anything (political votes, state secrets, company secrets etc. etc.) that they hold no value over (no loyalty, no national pride, no identity...) that relates back to this great country. Many of these folks love another country (could be their own country back home {think of all those money made here then sent back, think of US honoring "fake bills" even if used overseas, think of how many foreign people here illegally using our legal systems {like hospitals, schools etc. ;without the penalty of insurance {health, auto etc.} nor taxes, or scamming off the internet pawning fake goods just so the dollar travels back home to support their family, their country). THEY would not give 2 cents about that YOU, nor what is YOURS.

So... a stranger's opinion should not even count, yours on that YOU do!
All about that circle again.... but it all begins with a YOU!

[Mr-happy]

Interesting article about the ideal husband in the times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06dowd.html?hp

I think if you can wait, and use common sense the right person comes along many times in life [of course most can not!], but I think most people are so desperate for "love" and a "body" that they take the first person who sort of behaves them selves and comes along, aka match - craigslist and blows their chance on growing old with someone if that's what they wanted.

Anyway check out the article.

Mox hope your party was cool!

[VJ]

Man oh Manishevitz! I can't relate how I can't stand MoDo and her usually overly trite diatribes against the modern world as she sees it through her entirely entitled rose colored glasses. So I read the article Mr. Happy, and I was not enlightened, or happy.

So here goes. One generally unhappy, unmarried and very catty/cranky classically Irish spinster(now 50 something [56?]), turns to another professional professing celibate for marital advice. Classic really. And part and parcel of what you'd expect from the NYT from like, the 1950's. Perhaps as late as the mid 1960's even. But in 2008? About as relevant as her commentary on Monica Lewinsky, which of course won her a Pulitzer. That's almost all we need to know about this modern media maven, but here's the particulars of the 'advice' rendered. (Sorry if this is wildly off topic).

"An Ideal Husband:

“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.

“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.

“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.

“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)

“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.

“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’

“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.

“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.

“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.

“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?

“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”

Let's run down the numbers:

1.) “Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands."

Perhaps, but it's indisputably true that Fewer men have many close friends at all now. Most can count them on the fingers of one had. We have fewer now than at any other point in American life probably (the same applies to women too BTW), probably due to the swiftnesses of changing jobs & culture in different regions. Still your friends will rarely save you from a 'bad romantic match'. That's the conceit of an earlier age. Wisdom from the classic movies perhaps. Not real life.

So we have naturally smaller families now, and fewer friends. Many will in fact have few close friends they can call upon nearby too.

2.) "Does he[/she] use money responsibly?"

Err... Why NO. Most American's don't Not presently, when we're typically spending in excess of 120-130% of our entire household income every year!

Like 'styles' would help, yes. Responsibility? Unknown in the modern era. Since 1980 say. Statistics available upon request. (See debt as a function of household income or earnings, it exploded during the 1980's).

3.) “Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband."

Yes, this is typically troublesome. Especially in many modern contexts. But only if they come to deeply Resent such control. Strange as it may seem this is one of those classic chicken & egg problems. Many of the folks who wind up in such a marriage, appreciate it somewhere deep down and it actually satisfies certain needs for both parties. These can of course be among the most lasting and strongest marriages if such a simple understanding & agreement remains nominally intact. And it can indeed Change over time to try & accommodate different needs too.

4.) “Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings?"

This has been way over done and is another period piece of worry. Despite what the old time Woody Allen movies might suggest, this is an reasonably uncommon 'fixation'. Sure it can be an issue, especially if living close by in the same town or if seeking advice on a daily (or hourly) basis. But that's going to be pretty obvious, and fairly early.

For most other purposes? Never marry any guy who disses his mom or has an unexplained estranged relationship with her. Being close to your mom (& Dad) is not a reason for panic or a symptom of some dreaded psychiatric disorder Most of the time.

5.) “Does he[/she] have a sense of humor?"

Yep. Good thought here. Illustrated with a female example BTW.

6.)...‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’

Perhaps. But what if both parties are pretty quiet? Then you've got Contentment. It happens! Again only when one party is displeased with the arrangement (or come to be) does this become an issue.

7.) “Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict..."

Always sterling good common sense advice, ignored at everyone's peril. And often enough too!

8.) “Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women."

Again reasonably good advice, if you've got a 'normal family'. As few people do, it really depends on What part of the family someone is exposed to, right? There's always the 'crazy parts' and the nominally 'safer' parts. We like to expose people we want & desire to impress with the impressive portions of our families. So naturally many will try and invent them, as they are somehow lacking in this critical ingredient of 'good breeding'.

Again perhaps another conceit and 'requirement' of a bygone era. Or perhaps still only applying to the upper classes.

8b). "Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours?"

Short answer? Again for most families? Yes, yes, & Maybe. (Again most of this may be almost wholly unknown at the time of marriage).

9.) “Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic".

Horror of horrors. This already happens. With surprising frequency too. The New Pew study of Religion in Everyday life reveals that about 40% of marriages are interfaith ones. Again this was almost unheard of in MoDo's world growing up. But then again so is the 45% who change faiths as adults.

10.) Finally "“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous?"

We can only but hope. Much of this may be quietly hidden from view for some time, and quite successfully so too. This may only come out in a time of some crisis too.

So there you have it. Perhaps 3 or 4 (at most) out of 10 criteria are still relevant today, in the environment we all live in. Now that's not bad for a salary of 500K+, right? A few nostrums planted in the ears of the young, a few most pleasant but bland and relentlessly superficial advice points on 'social betterment' and you're off to drinking with your buds. One of whom no doubt was the self same priest who helped ghost write the column. Perhaps 20 hrs of 'work' per week if you included all the lunches & drinks too.

Nice work if you can get it!

Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[Ballerina Gina]

You're good enough because although you have a lot of issues, you're honest enough to admit you have them in the first place and are working on them. You'll get there. Also, give yourself some credit for the discipline you've had in the exercise/diet department. I'm sure that the way you actually look is a complete 180 from how you feel.

P.S. Jesus Christ...what's with all of the USA/religious/COMPLETELY off-topic rants? They really have nothing to do with the post at all, and the rest of us trying to keep up with the discussion just have to scroll through it to see if there's a point.

[Mira]

"P.S. Jesus Christ...what's with all of the USA/religious/COMPLETELY off-topic rants? They really have nothing to do with the post at all, and the rest of us trying to keep up with the discussion just have to scroll through it to see if there's a point." B.G.

That may be too narrow of a point of view, when in fact... everything "relates" through the "self" as we see the world from our own eyes, digested memories & processed experience.

And how is USA not a point when Moxie is living in the country that is hers? Religion, everyone have one... even if they have to do with God or not, faith can be as simple as believing in one "self" (so Buddha says). If love don't come from the self, how can he/she even love others or even their "faith"?

Heres a quote just for thoughts.... maybe we can all learn from it?

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe," a part limited in time and space.

He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest--a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

-Einstein-

An open heart is not a narrow minded view, and Einstein's quote is just as good of a view as yours or mine or others in a truly free world.

[Hi-Yah!]

I think you rock, Moxie! Btw, maybe you need to create a message board for the ones that like to leave uberLONG comments. VJ always has something good to say, but Gawdalmighty sometimes these comments get a little long-winded!

[jalabi]

This post just goes to show that even the toughest lady has a few insecurities and pity party moments.

Moxie, I don't always agree with you, and sometimes what I think is at complete odds with what you say, but I speak the truth when I say that, I would do you without any professional training. You are by no means fat, and you are damn well not unattractive. If it weren't for the fact that you are in a relationship, I'd have been hitting on you from almost day one. You have that mix of muscularity (your shoulders, for instance) and feminine curves (girlfriend has *hips*, baby!) that I personally love, crave and desire in a woman.

Sorry everyone else reading this if this is TMI, but I cannot help but speak the truth....I'm not just saying this to make Moxie feel better.

There's no shame in getting doubts before the main event; even the greatest performers get butterflies. But they get out there and they perform and bring the house down. So can you. You're running a business, a successful, profitable business, in the toughest city in the world. That says it all about your ability as far I'm concerned.

Go knock 'em dead. I'm rooting for ya.