Can She Get Him Back?

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Name: Jacqui| Location: NYC , NY |Question: My boyfriend who I love, have been in a rocky relationship. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago because he was not touching me, sleeping with me and actually came to a point where he didn't want to kiss me (yet he would not breakup with me). Now, I have broken up with him, but I want to work it out and he does not. He constantly says "our history shows that we do not get along"...he is cold, but at times shows hope that he may want to work things out and talk about. Finally, last night we got in a huge fight. Since we used to live together he still has my furniture and is watching my dog for me (I moved to a place that does not allow dogs and that was furnished-while we were still together). Anyway, the fight was bad and basically he says that he does not love me the same way and that I drain him. At the same time, I have been emailing with my ex-boyfriend looking for closure. I think that a lot of things that happened in my most recent relationship were due to lack of closure in my last. Finally, I received closure, but it was too late. My current boyfriend and I did not make it and are over.

My question is: How do I make him realize that we can work this out and that I caused things in our relationship that I wouldn't do now? I do I show him that I am the one he should be with and that we are a good time? How do I make him love me like he used to and care? Can I salvage this?

Thanks,

Lost PS  He always said at times, that he felt like he loved me more than I loved him..Ironic, because now he doesn't care and I do. We were always off on our timing... |Age: 24

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[MoxieReader]

I don't understand why the lack of closure with ex effected your current relationship, unless this a fancy way of saying that you wanted your ex boyfriend more than your current boyfriend, but the ex boyfriend was unavailable?

Regardless..

My advice, let him know how you feel, but give him space. Stay in touch, but don't initiate any moves and don't hang out regularly. After a short period of time, he will forget about some of your misdeeds while still remembering the better moments. At some point, he'll experience some dating frustration - its inevitable when you become single again. He'll start to feel lonely, and may be amenable to seeing you again. People think about their exes during a downturn.

[Diana]

You are trying to fix something is already broken. Move on with your life.

[Rock]

Did you actually discuss you why broke up or the issues you were having? Because you're really saying two things.

1.You may not have been over your ex, thus essentially blaming yourself for whatever issues ensued in your current relationship.

2.Your current ex was being a bitch to you so you broke up. Sounds like he chose to treat you like that so you'd do just that.

So which is it? It really just sounds like you guys can't get your stuff together and have a talk like adults.

[isa.how]

Given that you broke up with him, I am having a hard time understanding why you are now in such a panic to get him back? Sounds a bit schizophrenic.

[LizM]

No, you cannot salvage this, nor should you want to.

He wanted to break up with you but couldn't bring himself to be the "bad guy"--so instead, he made the situation such that you had no choice but to break up with him. Now that you have, he is relieved, and moving forward. You should, too.

[mysterygirl!]

You could tell he wasn't into you based on his actions, so you broke up with him. Now he's confirming that in words. If it will make you feel better, organize your thoughts and explain to him (just once!) what you think the problem was and why it wouldn't be repeated-- even if he doesn't respond well (and the things he's saying don't seem very promising), at least you'd have some closure in this relationship, which is something that seems important to you based on history. You might be better off just learning from the experience and moving on.

The best way to get him back would be to stand outside of his bedroom window with a boombox on your shoulder playing "In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Only then will he see the error of his ways....

[Traci]

You're all over the place. Emailing exs for closure, trying to get back with exs. Let this go and move on.

[strange bird]

Huh? He doesn't want you. You can't make him realize anything. Maybe get your head straight on your shoulders before you screw it up with the next future ex-boyfriend.

[Hi-Yah!]

He's saying that it can't be fixed...BELIEVE HIM. Find someone else to take care of your dog until you are in a position to have him with you and then put your furniture in storage or sell it. It's kind of pitiful that you'd leave belongings with your now ex just to have an excuse to contact him.

You need to move on and let him be. If he changes his mind, he'll know where to find you. But more than likely he won't if you continue bugging him. Guys don't like psycho...and that's where you're headed...especially if he's telling you that it's over and you're still insisting it's not.

[trouble]

You are playing silly little girl games. Grow up. You aren't 14 anymore. Mistakes were made, by you, that resulted in the relationship ending. Take what you can, learn from them, and try not to repeat them. You're done here. You screwed the pooch on this one, and he's finished with you. He doesn't want you (or your drama) anymore. Move on.

[Angela]

This is not salvageable. Part of life is learning from your experiences. Take this as such. Figure your shit out before getting into another relationship - for the sake of others, but also for your own sanity. Nobody likes emotional baggage.

[amen]

It's over just accept it for what it is. You're only 24 and have a long way to go.

He said you're draining which means that you should look at why. Take a break from dating and learn more about yourself before you even try to date again.

I remember saying that about my ex, she was draining in that she needed so much attention, assurance, emotional support, she wasn't able to stand on her own. She couldn't even decide if she wanted to be with me.

[Robert]

Sometimes people talk themselves into things. You want him, but can't recognize it's over. Trouble is, you want him to be a certain way, or you don't want him. But-you dwell on an ex. Which means--you really don't like the idea of being alone at all. So-it's the "ex", or remaking the guy you just broke up with to be just the way you want. Maybe he got physically out of "touch" with you because of all this. Believe it or not, sex, even for a guy in a relationship, even for a young guy, can be affected by what's going on psychologically. He might've said to himself :" i don't need this bullshit, and all this drama", and got physically turned off too. It's a myth that we guys will do it with anyone just to "get some". There may be periods we go through where that's true, but if we know we are capable of having other women, why put up with the emotional turmoil. It stops being worth "working through"-especially when we are turned off and see the result of working it through just turning into the same drama-just a little later on.
Best bet-just move on. You are young. You'll meet someone else. Just try and let him be him. If you don't like that" him". Find another. All things are possible when you're 24, and trust me, you're better off alone, then with someone you feel the need behave exactly as you want. Knew a lady once who tried to find the right guy. She would try and turn them into the right guy. She got dumped ( and harshly too) four times in a row over the course of a year and a half. Not a good track record. Really messes with self-esteem.
You did this to yourself. Turn the page, and learn from it.

[Raj...]

Hi, I'm Raj.....i know this might not be a good idea for me to advice you on your issue when all these girls are telling you to move on.......but i understnad what you're going through and i'd like to offer my help to you by expressing what i think of your situation.......I'm no relationship expert but i hope it helps you......:)

First of all i would like to say to you that you shouldnt have been cling/stuck on to your exs when you had a bf who loved you so much.....and he was telling you again and again that he's not ok with you being in touch with your ex's by saying..." i love you more than you love me"......you should realise that not every guy can express himself properly....we guys have so many issues of our own and our ego is one of the biggest problem which doesnt let us open our heart and express our feelings properly cuz then you girls take it as a sign of weakness.....thats why we give you hints in these ways......you should have realised that he's not comfortable with it and want you to be with him and not to be stuck/closure with your exs......for you, being in contact with your exs is just being friendly for the old time sake or some other thing but for a guy its like you are with him cuz your ex kicked you out of your life and you dont want to be alone till the time you get back withyour ex.....this makes a man feel very insignificant and useless......how would you feel if he still hang out with his exs and talk about the time and stuff they did together......i'm sure you would chew his ears off by cursing him and try to kill him by verbally abusing him......he endured it as long as he could and then he shutdown.....you should've noticed this reaction when he didnt wanted to touch/kiss you any more but you failed to acknowledge that too.....you should realise that he didnt brokeup with you and he didnt shutdown overnight....he shut himself down for days before you even realised it....and when he wanted you to come around and love him ....you broke up with him......leaving him heartbroken & in agony.........no wonder he doesnt want to be with you anymore.......

Thats the past......now that you've realised your mistake and you want him back so this is what you should do.....:)

Give him time and space.....i'm not saying that you shouldnt talk to him or see him.....you should...but you should not pressure him to get back with you.....
explain to him that you realise that you've made some mistakes in past when you were with him and it lead to the breakup of your relationship...but now that you're not together you know how much he means to you and how much you love him.....

see him 1-2 times a week...spend some time with him....talk about the good times you guys had.....do the things that he likes to do.....do things like you did when you guys started to date.....and you'll see that in few days he himself will ask you to come back in his life....and this time you'll see that things are better than they were before.......:)

and when he does, you can invite me for some coffee & chocolate cake.....;)

SOME FOOD FOR MIND FOR ALL THE GIRLS.........:P

you girls dont relaise this but guys only want 2 things from girls.....i know that all the girls will be thinking "SEX & BLOW JOB" but you're wrong big time....:P i'm not saying that we dont like these two thing....we freaking love it....;) but what we really want is your loyal love and some space......when i say loyal it doesnt mean we want you girls to become our servants and do everthing we say....what it really means is that love us for who we are not what you can make us.....we are not clay that you can mold us as per your desires......if you'll force & neg us to do something & change our habits then we'll become more firm on our stands but if'll ask & request us to change our habits cuz you dont feel good about it....we'll freaking cut our heart out for you and give it to you in a silver platter......so be reasonable with guys....let him breath...let him have his own space....how would you like if we start to bitch & cursing about your friends and make you do things you hate to do.....how would you feel when we'll try to dress you up for a party where you know that you'll feel outcasted and will be bored to death......or if we tell you to not to hang out with your friends that you like so much or cancel on your movie night with your friends and stay at home & sit on your ass on sofa with us watching some bullshit program and then go to bed with a fake headache......the same way the guy wants some space to enjoy doing the thing he likes....watching sports with his friends at home.....play poker all night.....go out with his friend for a boys night out......i know the girls think that we'll probably go to a strip club and get a hooker to screw....but thats not true....if you treat your man right....mark my words....your man will never ever cheat on you and even if he gets a chance to cheat and get away with it.....even then he'll never do it cuz he knows that someone at home is waiting for him who loves him more than anything and will do everything to please him.....why would we messup lifetime of happeness for few minutes of sex.....

Please be nice to the guys who approach you......it takes lots of guts for a guy to approach a girl and talk to her as the girls are more confident and strong now and are always in a group.....although girls find it hard to understand why its so tough for a guy to come and talk to them but its there in men and there is no other way around it, so please excuse us on this part.....and dont insult him or mark him....he's also a human being and he also deserves love and respect like you do.....

on this note i end this small essay....lol....

Regards,
Dr. LOVE.......

just kidding.....:D

Love,
Raj......

http://www.meetup.com/members/7843653/

[Natalie]

Please remember that it takes 2 to tango, otherwise you are just dancing with yourself (like Billy Idol) and that timing is everything in life. Don't push things as they should come naturally.

[stache]

"How do I make him realize that we can work this out and that I caused things in our relationship that I wouldn't do now? I do I show him that I am the one he should be with and that we are a good time? "

The big, very big, problem is right here. "How do I make him realize.." as if your perspective were the only perspective. From the tome of the entire posting, it sounds like this is one very active & commanding women, which is an excellent match for a more submissive guy, but a man with self confidence & strong identity wouldn't want to be with a woman who disregards & disrespects him him that way. Sounds to me like this woman needs to work on herself a little bit.

Note that he has a right to his feelings and that they aren't wrong just because doesn't feel the same way you do.

[hb]

It was draining -just reading this letter. There comes a time when it's just better to not have someone in your life because he/she takes too much energy away from yourself just because you have to deal with them.

You're young. Figure out what you really want. Take responsibility for your actions. You can't make people behave as you would want them to at any given time.

In the future, be upfront, honest, and show appreciation. Show your ex-bfs, your friends, and challenge yourself to be more independent, more evolved, wise, and unselfish. Maybe you can still be friends with him and after a couple of years, he will come around. Maybe by then, you will have moved on.