Are You Making Excuses Because You're Afraid to Commit?

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Some of the good advice I have been hearing from other sources is to always give people 3 dates, maybe 2 if they're really horribly incompatible after that but after a 3rd date, ONLY THEN you know if there is chemistry or at least the possibility of chemistry over time AND if you two might be compatible for a more sunstantial relationship. I find that the strongest most intense chemistry I have ever had is that which built up over time and regular contact and not that which happened on a first meeting. This is not high school.- Trefelicious

I'm not sure how I feel about this statement. I think, as I've grown older, I've learned the importance of taking a closer look at people and not being so dismissive. Then again, I do prefer to feel that certain ZING! on a first date. Many times I've felt that initial rush of butterflies and giddiness over a guy, only to have them disappear three dates in because they weren't "ready" for a relationship. Maybe THAT is was contributed to our chemistry? Maybe, on some level, I could sense he wasn't completely available and what I was feeling wasn't chemistry but the thrill of the chase?

I know that I want to feel attracted to my partner. Duh. That's a given. But I know that there have been men I've met that I was not initially attracted to that became attractive to me once I got to know them.

I think, as I've grown older, I've grown more appreciative of and aroused by things like courtesy or kindness or intelligence. Those were definitely things I overlooked in my twenties and even early thirties. I was looking for the intensity, the thrill, the drama. I guess the more you date and the more you see how many people don't posses characters like consideration and respect for your well being, the more you seek it out and note its importance.

Meeting people online doesn't help the chemistry thing, either. Regardless of how many e-mails you've traded, you're still basically going on a blind date when you meet them. You don't really have a sense of who they are. And, let's face it, you're looking for flaws. You're paying close attention to certain things and ignoring others.

I have a thought, and maybe this will seem a bit controversial. I think that most (not all) people in their mid 30's and older who are using online dating mediums to meet potential partners are really just afraid to commit in general. Their online because they're too picky and they're too picky because that allows them to never really get involved with anyone. I see men on there month after month, year after year. COME ON. If you're reasonably attractive and have a quasi-interesting life, you can meet someone. If you're having that much trouble...I'm sorry...but that's indicative of deeper issues. What are you looking for? And how, with the plethora of options before you, have you not found it? Even briefly?

There's something very dangerous about this idea that, once you've hit a certain age, there's no point in "settling." But...isn't it you're unwillingness to "settle" the reason why you're still single in the first place? What are these people holding out for? Or are they not holding out for anything but rather using that pickiness to serve as an escape plan? Meaning, they can continue to find fault with everyone who writes them or whom they meet so that they don't ever have to reveal themselves, be vulnerable and commit? How has this pickiness served you?

Next topic....is it possible, or even healthy, to resolve yourself to the idea that you don't think you'll ever settle down and find solace in purely sexual or contained relationships? Is there happiness to be found there? Are many of us using the percentage of failed marriages and personal stories of unhappily married friends and relatives as evidence that monogamy and commitment (not so much marriage itself) just isn't worth the headache? Are there so few people out there who have seen or witnessed or even experienced a truly happy committed relationship? In short, have many of us just completely emotionally shut down? And if so, is that necessarily a bad thing?

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Treifalicious]

I think it is impossible to find "solace" in purely sexual or contained relationships. There is a reason why players get tired of the game and eventually settle down or end up old and alone and unhappy about it. Yes, it IS a bad thing to emotionally shut down - if it's even possible in the first place. Human beings die earlier when they do not love or are not loved by others. Fact.

Aside from that, I took a relationship seminar where the "instructor" said that those who rant on about being so independent or not needing anyone are really just compoensating for loneliness. It's OK to admit that you need people - because you do.

[Erin]

I think that depending upon your circle you see things in very specific ways. I am happily married and the majority of my friends are happily married. Of all my friends I would say there are two couples who are unhappy. the two unhappy couples have been married ten years and with both couples my husband and I both shook our heads and wondered why they were marrying in the first place because they never seemed happy when they were dating.

With all the other couples we know you see genuine love, affection and desire to spend their free time together. I believe one of the greatest indicators in truly how happy people are with each other is do they willingly and happily choose to spend their free time with each other.

One of the unhappy friends is a realtor and constantly deals with people divorcing and selling their homes. She has a very strong opinion that " See I know you are happy but most people are not and end up getting divorced". I on the other hand know very few divorced people and think the people I know are mostly happy. With my friend dealing with UNHAPPY people day in and day out she has this very skewed idea that everyone cheats and is unhappy and doomed to get divorced.

You want to be there for your friends in good times and bad but honestly I think it is really important to be around people who are happy with their husband/wife as you see that even though no one's life is perfect there really are a lot of happy people. I believe the biggest difference between happily married people and unhappily married people is the couples' willingness to put their relationship first and sit down and communicate when there is a problem at the time of the problem not let it fester until someone explodes. Also having the desire to spend time with your spouse whether it is doing something exciting or just plain relaxing and doing nothing together.

As to sexual desire and chemistry I think it can be as unique as each individual with some having exploding fireworks the first meeting and some being the best of friends who one day realize WOW what we have is so great let's take it to the next level. It gets said on here so often that people don't want to get lumped into the 'FRIEND" category. The truly happiest people I know, myself included, were truly the best of friends before they ever became sexually involved. Being friends first gives you a trust that allows you to truly be yourself. When you are truly happy and in love I don't think you would feel like you were settling. The people who are friends first often have great sexual desire for the other person but want to get to know the person first as a friend to be sure they LIKE the person.

[daisy]

I am definitely making excuses because I'm afraid to commit. That's a simple answer to a simple question, right? I know that in my own life, I am terrified of having what my parents had (a 20-year marriage that imploded when my mom found out my dad had been cheating on her the whole time.) I am terrified of giving myself over so completely to someone only to get hurt in a devastating way. I'm trying to work on it, but the answer is yes.

[Wolfer]

I constantly pontificate about being chronically single, always questioning myself along the line of Moxie's blog. I wonder if I am too picky because I am afraid to commit, but I just have a hard time believing that this is the case.
I think I suffer from the "Paradox of Choice". I live on the north side of Chicago, an area bound with singles my age, everyone available and interesting. I have options available to me like I would only dream. And yet, despite all these choices, I find myself lazier than ever about making an effort to get to know someone, because there is always someone readily available if I lose interest. It's like a resource that never runs out. I go out with a girl, have a first great date and am very attracted to a girl, but somehow I don't call her back because my fancy has been swayed by some other girl even more available. Sex is easy to obtain because it is so relatively available with out any strings attached with a friend or casual hook-up. I now live in a society where it is easy to be selfish, self-indulgent with little price.
Despite knowing this, and understanding what I need to do to stop this cycle, I find it extremely difficult to resist the temptation to fall back on these habits when I am feeling lonely. It takes time to break habits, as I am only human. Maybe I am addicted to this lifestyle, and I need to break the habit.
Cuz in the end, I would love to be in a healthy relationship.

[Chris]

I think people like online because especially for a well curated man it's just easier then in the real world and we risk less rejection then in the flesh, or course every one knows all internet dates are blind dates, and most of the time people look worse not better then they did online.

I would say as I get older [44 in March] I have at times felt like what's the point of getting married and having kids, I mean maybe I am almost half way through my life, so why start now. Having had a lot of sex has given me some satisfaction in that, the guys who never really got any I can see there is something lacking in them, or even married guys whose romanitc life died a long time ago you can see they are missing something in their life too. Sex is natural and while I advocate taking a extended break from time to time the reality is most people need some kind of regular sex and loving to feel happy.

Now kids aside on some levels marriage or at least a committed relationship seems attractive from the hopefully it's half as hard to survive physically and emotionally point of view as opposed to the I have a burning desire to have kids angle, which I do not but would consider them with the right women. As we get older survival in the world for most peoples harder and harder and having someone to lean on at times and be leaned on offers comfort and relief. Since women seem to go down this path before men [in their late 30's to 40's their bodies start breaking down, and their hormones go bat-shit] I guess they know this and thus desperation tends to set in when the late 30's come around.

I used to think people who were picky were snobs, but seeing the great damage that the wrong person can cause you I think it is possible that some people have bad luck and just never run in to a suitable partner [and they know this] and not always because of something lacking in them, sometimes it's just the way the stuff falls in life and that's that. Life is not fair or always just, sometimes it just is.

[MrAdventure]

Economics

A man will commit if the women is his best option. A man who can create that zing have a lot of options. A man with fewer options will easily commit. Simple economics.

[lt]

Regarding on-line dating...I think that about 60% of the people on-line are looking for a committed relationship and the other 40% are looking to see what their options are - maybe just a hook-up, maybe just a date and maybe something serious.

[Cricri]

People are fragile and being overly picky/dismissive is a way to keep at arm's length the possibility to let someone know the real you, a real you I'm not sure I even like or that the other person wouldn't maybe like.
The fear of rejection is high; it's not the heartbreak, its the ego wound that is the worst: when someone judges you unfit for a relationship ( with him/her), it doesn't mean a lot but kills your confidence and inner strentgh and nobody wants to be exposed to that.
Regarding the casual thing, my answer is no way. then again, I'm fairly young and might change my mind, but it is less likely that i will be doing something at 40 that I didn't do at 25 when I can afford it now. It just makes you damaged goods for the next guys.
Finally,the 3 dates rule is quite good, try your best and then leave it when there's nothing solid. Sometimes you like someone but because you do not want to scare them away and to spare your own heart, you have to take the friends road and see how it goes. If someone is not fit to be a proper friend, what can s/he do as a lover or partner? I used to believe in all the romantic crap and on some level I still believe in it, but I have learned that I was able to control myself and read through instant chemistry or nurse a chemistry and keep it alive through friendship for the moment when I and partner are ready for the next step.

[Miranda]

Anyone who is single in their mid 30's and up has had their share of heartaches. I have been widowed, dumped, cheated on, and mislead. Every year it gets harder and harder to risk my heart. Every since I lost my husband, I usually had at least one new lover a year. 2008 was the first year that didn’t happen since I did not give into slick talking men who just wanted to get me into bed. Perhaps we all get more critical due to our past hurts. I do have hope for meeting a great guy this year, but I am not banking on it. There are no guarantees in life.

[dangerous curves]

hmmmm....I still think online dating increases your odds....it just also puts you in touch with some very frustrating people.
I met my husband in real life, but my previous boyfriend online. We lasted 6 months. At the time I traveled for work every week and really needed to meet people on line, so when I was home for the weekend I could go on dates.( I was 39 at the time.)
He is now very happy with another girl he met online.
As for accepting single life, I think it is always better to be happy with what you have.

[Ono]

I agree that as I get older thoughtfulness and courtesy have become a HUGE part of the equation for me to be compatible with someone.

As a person that would describe myself as a former serial monogamist, I have to say that I'm finally at a point where I really enjoy being single. I got married younger than I should have and while it's over now, it lasted for a while and I'm happy I did it. It kind of enabled me to have a nice preview and to get a better idea of what I want a long term relationship to look like.

My goal in 2008 was to find a way to be happy if I never found someone. For me, the idea that even if I'm with someone there are still plenty of ways that I'm alone is totally comforting. A relationship isn't as pivotal if not so much rests on it and I think it has a much better chance of success. I'm not totally against the idea either - otherwise I wouldn't be dating. But if 6 months goes by without a date I don't stress, I just know it's probably time to get out there a little more. :)

[MrAdventure]

"why players get tired of the game and eventually settle down or end up old and alone and unhappy about it"

That is a lie that women tell themselves to make themselves feel better since the player did not want to commit to them.

[mieuox]

I've been dating online for a long time, and yes I am picky but I don't think I am too picky because I do meet guys who I find attractive and I like and who I want to continue to get to know but things don't always work out. I also wouldn't say I'm afraid of commitment but who knows. I don't go on a lot of dates to begin with but I do go on some and usually it's someone who I already think is attractive from the photo and have had a good conversation with on phone so I am already interested in seeing where things go and I am not just going on the date for entertainment. So far last year I went on dates with a handful of guys and with the ones where I thought the first dates went well, and I thought things could go farther, I had these results:

1) Great chemistry from my perspective, then the guy blew me off for the second date and didn't pick up the phone or return calls after, only to reappear two months later and try to set up another date, I refused
2) Great chemistry from my perspective, blew me off on the third date, but at least he picked up the phone when I called and he said there was too much going on in his life such that he really didn't have time for a relationship
3) Great chemistry from my perspective, mentioned that he had been previously talking to another woman who had told him she didn't want to pursue things with him and then had contacted him again, and then he disappeared and wouldn't return calls
4) Great chemistry from my perspective, got angry when I wouldn't go home with him on the first date, never called back.

And so on and so on, I've even asked my friends whether I have bad breath or something like that that could be putting guys off, but I figure it can't be all my fault because these guys who disappear tend to try to come back months and years later, but by then I had already been hurt by the way I was treated and didn't want to pick up again as though nothing happened. In November last year alone a guy who had blown me off two years ago contacted me, another who had disappeared the previous year tried to get in touch again and set up a date, I fielded calls from six "blast from the past" guys like this last year. One guy I would be open to meeting again if he returned - the one who said he didn't have time for a relationship, otherwise I generally don't accept people who blow me off and disappear only two return 6 months or a year or two later.

Meanwhile I have a date tonight, we'll see where that leads. I am not unhappy single, but I would be much happier in a relationship, and I am ready to meet my future husband.

[MrAdventure]

They called back because they were bored. Sounds like you should go with a guy with out great chemistry. Maybe he would be interested in spending more time with you ;-) lol

[Lydia]

Moxie,

You seem to be an advocate for settling and I'm wondering why? I was at a party recently and met someone and we talked about the dating scene. He told me he had a lady friend who was very good looking, successful etc but, couldn't get a date if her life depended on it. Feeling desperate she said that she was an Admin Assist (nothing wrong if that was the truth but, it wasn't) and she began dating. She met someone got married has 3 kids and while she loves her kids dearly hates her husband but is staying to keep the family together. Answer, of course it's not working because she wasn't being herself so she attracted someone who liked the fake person but, when she got tired of that of course the result is not a happy one.

There are plenty of people who are completely unreasonable in their desire to find a mate which is another subject altogether. At the end of the day, there needs to be a connection because when there is a problem then, you will work things out because it matters that much to both of you.