Stop His Bad Dating Habits Now

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Name: YaYa |  Location: New York, NY |Question: A man I met at a party a couple weeks ago asked for my phone number. I gave him my business card and he gave me his. He e-mailed me this past Monday and asked if I wanted to go out this weekend. I said sure and we made tentative plans for either Friday or Saturday. Today is Saturday and he e-mailed me around 1am and asked if I was available for Saturday night. Tonight! I kept both Friday and Saturday open hoping to see him, but I'm a little annoyed that a) he e-mailed me instead of called me and b) waited until 1am on Saturday morning to follow up. How do I handle this without looking like a pushover?|Age: 31

Well, let's start with "a." He e-mailed because it's the easiest way to do things and it doesn't require small talk. That's just how guys are. They are not small talk creatures the way we women are. Plus, e-mail is a little safer as it shields them somewhat from the sting of potential rejection. Next time, do not give out your business card. Ask the guy to pull out his cell phone and give you his number and then call him so he has your cell number in his call log. Then save his to yours and suggest he do the same. If he texts messages you to follow up, call him in response. Do not engage in the texting back and forth before you've even gone out on a date. If he lets it go to voicemail, leave him a voice mail message that says you responded with a call because it's easier for you than texting. Don't make up a phony story about having a broken thumb or keyboard. Set the tone right away. That being, text messages are unacceptable. And they are, boys. It's just lazy. We get it, you're afraid to be rejected, etc. But man up. Show us you're better than that. Do a smidgen of work. Dating has spiraled into a lazy man's game ever since e-mail and texting has become popular. That's got to change. If he texts you back in response to your voicemail where you specifically told him you don't care for texting or prefer the phone, don't answer the text.  EVER. AT ALL. If he doesn't take that hint and call you, he was going to be nothing but trouble anyway.

Now, for "b." You don't know yet if he's a player or a dog or has a girlfriend or a wife. So don't immediately lump him into any of those categories. Yes, he waited til pretty much last minute. Such is the story for most men. It's not that they don't care about your schedule or are just jerks. It's that most men are not planners. It doesn't occur to them that you'd need or like more notice. Guys, here's why we like advanced notice. We are planners. Which means we might make a mani/pedi or hair appointment. Or go shopping for cute shoes. Or want to hit the gym extra hard.All for you. So give us a couple days notice, will ay? We enjoy the getting ready part almost as much as the date part. Especially if we think you're really cute.

Here's where you have to once again set the tone. A man waits that long to confirm plans with you? Uh, no. Unacceptable, regardless of whether he's a "good guy." You politely reply and tell him that, since you didn't hear from him, you made other plans but that you'd really like to get together so why don't we shoot for XXX day and do YYY. Have a quasi-plan. Show him that you aren't mad and are truly excited to get together with him. Don't shut him down and go cold. Don't try to get him to jump through hoops. A guy with a healthy dose of self-respect and options (aka an "ideal" date) will never bother calling you again because he doesn't have to settle for a bitch. You have to meet him half way on this since it's likely he really didn't know he was doing anything wrong. But if you let him get away with it once, it will be harder to break that bad habit going forward.


YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Chris]

I like your advice about the typing in a phone number mox [that's smart!], I would be turned on if a girl did that to me. Many times when women give you a business card it's well... business and they have no intention of taking it to another level or even giving a guy the time of day.

Frankly I find women in general to be a much more flakier bunch then men,it's just that when you ladies like a guy, you don't want him to be flaky too. Now not all women are flaky but come on girls you can't say that when your working 3 prospects you didn't flake on a couple, of course you did. In my book Flaky = Lack of interest and this is true in most areas of life people. Some people get frustrated and angry, I just look on it as no interest.

Hot girls are FLAKY as a group because they have an endless supply of men [as quality men have an endless support of women], but when the tables are turned you ladies do not like it any more then us men do! Women in general tend to roll where their emotions take them.

I agree it's completely bad manners unless you know someone well to call and ask to see them the same day, I always like to setup a date a few days ahead of time, plus the women and me have something to look forward too as well. Again when a men is interested in you it's amazing the lengths he will go to in order to see you, it's just frustrating when it does not last and I totally understand the frustration women have with men in that area.

To the poster the likely reason he called last minute was because you were not his first choice and his "preferred" choice was not available so he called you instead [next time I recommend live your life and do not be waiting for a man to call]. It doesn't mean reject him as mox is saying and you might move up the latter later but right now your not his priority at all. We were talking about Chemistry in another thread and here is a prime example of why I feel it's so important, if there was major Chemistry he would be making it a point to set a formal date up ahead of time and making more moves to show his interest and he didn't. So I stick by my chemistry statement this is why it's important but of course not everything.

Good luck, I would do as mox advises and refuse the last minute stuff but suggest two other times at least 3 days in the future and see if he bites.

Good luck!

[My 2¢]

completely agree with moxie on this one... on all counts. spot on!

[VJ]

This is not too bad on advice: "Don't shut him down and go cold. Don't try to get him to jump through hoops. A guy with a healthy dose of self-respect and options (aka an "ideal" date) will never bother calling you again because he doesn't have to settle for a bitch. You have to meet him half way on this since it's likely he really didn't know he was doing anything wrong. But if you let him get away with it once, it will be harder to break that bad habit going forward". So file in this in the 'Why does he Do that?' File.

But the rest of this stuff really reads like warmed over 'Rules' play. It's silly. This is the 21st century people. Technology Moves on. Yes, the phone, (a thoroughly 19th century technology) IS tremendously more intimate, personal and emotionally informative. This is Precisely why Many people do Not know how to 'work' the phone. It's a lost art, and it's a developed Skill that may take Years to hone. In this day & age? It's really lost on much of the 20-30 something set.

So you Desire to Train this Prospect to Communicate with you Better Just in order to Meet, right? Yeah. Now I personally think that calling/emailing the same day for a date is a bit too much. Yes, most people need to plan, and this most likely was some sort of goof or at worst a minor 'power play' by the guy. Emailing at 1AM for a date some 16 hrs later is suggestive of a few things, not many of them all that complimentary. So I think the guy is simply pressing his luck there, and it's as they say 'not a good practice', and Yes, this should be discouraged.

So let's review here. Yes, Phoning is deeply Personal, and overall it's probably Preferable when making a date. However, this can and Likely Does set the tone for the date, and you've already given out quite a bit of information while on the phone for the potential date to Judge you. Women (& men) will play these voice mail messages over and over again looking for and draining them of any & all possible nuances & insinuations, or do so in their heads constantly. We've seen it done here many times.

You're just Much More likely to Miscommunicate when you're not face to face and you can actually See the other person's reactions and Facial expressions, (the Gold Standard of All communications). But on the phone? You hear the guy hurrying to catch his train, and think that he's a 80 yo geezer. You hear him huffing up the stairs doing his bit to keep in shape, and think the same. Or you hear him on his 30 min lunch break, and he's wolfing down a sandwich, and he sounds like an uncouth glutton. Or in a crowd of his otherwise very staid Law partners who break into wolf whistles when they know 'Young Larry's trying to get a date!' Where and when precisely can a guy likely make what amounts to a Very Intimate call Putting His Ego On the Line, Asking for the favor of a date? Yeah, Make it More difficult for the guy. Even the Law partners? They'll move on. Quickly.

So yeah. Make ALL the guys, no matter When they email you, politely or not, actually CALL you, and Reach YOU to ASK You Directly to Go Out. Just like way back in the 1950's-60's & all the vintage TV- land sitcoms. And then sit home and wonder why the 21st century has passed you by. Then perhaps do a time and motion study on the times that it's Likely that Anyone might reach you by phone, and the times your prospective date might be working, and see if they actually commonly 'intersect' for any significant period of time other than a spare 30 minutes on alternative days. Then wonder about the first Business plans that brought us the huge commercial successes of email, texting & Voice mail in the first place. People often cannot 'reach' each other on a timely (9-5PM+) basis. We work very long hours, commute longer and longer hours, and often don't reach home in time to actually make dinner, let alone 'catch up' on that cutie we passed by on the street or met at the party last Sat. Hence we've Invented a large array of technologies that enable us to 'Reach' people, w/o Hearing from them, and at 'odd & Off hours'.

Some may want to have us ignore the 21st century in order to meet a certain required protocol necessary for first meeting and Only then possibly dating. Most guys, forever fans of instant gratification, will naturally think this is a little like passing on their calling card to your dad and/or male relatives before coming to call on you in the evening at home and being allowed to 'properly court' the lovely likes of you. Ancient and honorable traditions that certainly have their place & usefulness, (hey, More of your 'serious' guys should be meeting the family, right?), but perhaps not quite in keeping with the times.

But yeah ignore it all and Demand certain Rules, Strictures and Regulations on How, When & Where the 'gentlemen caller' might be allowed to actually 'call' on or see you. And hey, tell 'em that his card needs to be in Esperanto too. Might as well! Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[SexandMoxie]

Chris/Mr. Happy - I've said to you before in recent comments to stop referring to me as "Mox." You said you were leaving months ago. Leave already. I've blocked you, I've deleted your comments, etc. Your comments are just a mess and consistently make reference to your supposed sex life. Stop commenting.

VJ - Not sure what is up with your capitalization fetish, but quit it. It's distracting and annoying. And please learn to be succinct. Your comments are consistently far too long. It's unnecessary.

[Chris]

I don't know why your such a mean women [who ever you really are], but [That's why your single I guess]. You live a life of a double standard [one for you, and another for everyone else] and I can see why men are not attracted to you for too long. Sorry about the Mox comments it was not intentional but your meanness clearly is. It's sad to see your such a bitter women. And my sex life is not supposed and since other people comment on theirs I figured it was OK, should have known better.

Go ahead and delete this one, with your attitude you'll still be the same loser in 10 years you are now.

And now back to the [censored] Moxieblog.....

[Crotch Rocket]

"You politely reply and tell him that, since you didn't hear from him, you made other plans but that you'd really like to get together so why don't we shoot for XXX day and do YYY. Have a quasi-plan." This is, quite possibly, the best advice you've ever given on this blog. Then again, I said it myself here a few times already ;)

Do _not_ accept last-minute dates early on, because that lets him know that such behavior is acceptable. However, you also have to counter with another plan, even a vague one, to let him know that you're not rejecting him, just rejecting being asked out at the last minute. After you have been on several dates and have established a pattern of seeing each other regularly, you can definitely lighten up a bit -- but not until then.

[Cricri]

I must recongnize I'm not a big fan of texting. What was used before to communicate in difficult situation is now a communication means on its own. I briefly dated a guy who would rarely if none call and would text all the time. No wonder the relationship didn't go well. Even when I tried to call, the voicemail was the only answer. Calling is the best; it shows you could take 5 minutes in your busy schedule to think about someone and call him/her. Don't pretend you can't do that or that you don't have the time to do it. These are just excuses! Plus technology is not the enemy here. Bad habits and poor manners are. It's not about training someone, it's about expecting people to be good manners and thoughtfulness. Sending an email on a saturday for a date is BS. 1) same day planning is just for close friends. Nobody will be running for that. What? so whatever he was doing/planning to do didn't work out so he's calling "spare date"?
2) EMAILING on a saturday??? wow!!! I don't know for you guys but I don't spend most of my saturdays on the computer, more like shopping and catching up with friends, always on the move. I would want to call someone, not send them an email and take a gamble on their possible whereabouts. Like I didn't really care or that it wasn't that important. And everybody wants to feel excited about dates otherwise what's the point?

[SexandMoxie]

I hate text messaging as a forms of having an actual conversation. Much like IM, another mode of communication I hate, the messages come through when I'm busy or out and about. (Am i the only person who can't stand that IM feature on Facebook?? Every single time I log on I get inundated with IM's from people I don't even know.) Then there's the frequent dropped signal or other happening that causes lags in the conversation where one person hasn't a clue what happened and maybe is on their way out the door or in the middle or something and waiting for a response and doesn't want to appear like they've disengaged in anger. Nor do we want to send the other person another text and say "Hello?" and end up looking insecure. Jesus. What did people so before cell phones? A five minute conversation takes a half an hour via text. It's ridiculous. Contrary to VJ's comment, it's not about some antequated rule of courtship. It's about keeping it simple. Texting is not simple. It's a pain in the ass.

[sweetwillows]

I can't stand the use of this kind of technology early on in a relationship. I think lots of phone and face time are very necessary if two people have agreed to get to know/spend time with one another.

Last week I was sitting next to a couple that had just met each other in person (I saw their introduction when the guy came in). During the dinner,the guy checked his text messages like three times and replied once. She was strikingly beautiful, so I chalked this up to him being rude as opposed to him wanting to flee from the date.

Also, a few months ago I also told a close male friend to either turn his phone off or leave my apartment after he checked and responded to about 5 texts within the first 10 minutes of arriving at my house. The phone was ringing constantly in my house. Not to mention, he had called ME to ask if he could hang out that afternoon, so I found it completely unacceptable for him to spend time texting someone else in my house. He agreed to turn it off and we wound up having a great time. Now he knows the drill when he comes to my house.

A lot of people have gotten into these bad techno habits and don't even realize/care how rude and disengaging it is. I agree that you have to politely and eloquently let a person know up front how you operate and what you will and won't tolerate.

[LizM]

Even really hard-working and busy people can find 5 minutes to make a phone call sometime during the day, if they want to. It's really not that difficult. If a guy is soooo busy that he can't find a minute to make a call, and therefore must email or text at 1 AM in the morning, then how in the heck does he have time to date?

[J.M. Prince]

I generally agree with Moxie & CR that emailing the same damn day is just poor practice, and indicative of a 'lazy man's approach'. So here, that's likely the story. And again, I'm not talking about texting here, it was email in the OP.

However thinking that every person you're likely to meet has to first call you to have you do the official 'granting of permission' or the cool turn down? That's a pretty silly requirement. Yeah all those 'overheard in NYC' conversations? Mostly pretty embarrassing, and of course now 'overheard' by only millions. How about being a guy and being instantly transported back to 6th-12th grade when you're 30-40 something, just to try and 'score a first date'? Yeah, that's the ticket. That will always impress the hell out of the gents!

So most people might be able to get away for a short 5 min. during the day. Perhaps. But for a really Private conversation? Where to go? Yes we have all sorts of complaints about 'rudeness' and manners when it comes to texting & answering emails. What about the phone calls? The next cubicle over is no place to try and 'put the moves' on or impress someone over the phone. It might even be a firing offense if you're caught too, BTW.

So again, this is all about the First Time meeting someone for a coffee or something light. I say a timely email should work fine, especially if you're pretty busy. This works fine for Businesses, why does there need to be a whole set of more complicated rules & requirements for dating? And most people hanging on to their jobs right now? They're pretty busy. They really don't have the time to literally talk to everyone they need to contact in a day. So like most guys, even the Mr. Big's? They'll take the path of least resistance, and go with the gals who can be reasonably accommodating to their busy schedules (& vice versa). Yeah, we know. You require the undivided attention from your gentleman caller, and they really can't be that busy. They're all multi-millionaires without a care in the world with trust funds to boot.

Again this has little to do with manners, and everything to do with the manner in which you will allow them to contact you.
Trying to train a guy before you meet him, according to some rules or strictures they may not comprehend or understand? Like trying to train a puppy that's not yours. Hopeless. Only more so with the guys. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[Cricri]

I don't think women would find flattering to be treated like "business". There is nothing special about that, nothing exciting, it is very impersonal and isn't the whole thing about making a connection with another human being? Who wants to be just another number on a to do list? Nobody.
Simply because guys function that way doesn't mean women have to accomodate such behavior, that might be a sign of bad communication from the get go. Maybe it is because we like to tchit tchat before dates and make it a common thing rather than being sent an email ( like an employee?)
Anyway, the real pain in the ass is that I had to keep an eye on my landline phone before, then the cellphone, and now emails too! Thank God for Blackberry! I cannot imagine how people used to date before all this!

[Crotch Rocket]

"So most people might be able to get away for a short 5 min. during the day." Indeed. When I worked in an office, I had zero private time (other than in the restroom, but calling a date from there? really?) from when I showed up until I left; even lunch was with coworkers most days, an opportunity for team bonding and keeping up with what each other was working on and offering suggestions and begging off just to make a phone call would be considered rude -- and only works if she happens to take lunch at the exact same time.

Of course, most folks are busy at night as well; you can rarely reach people after 7pm because of dinner and other plans, so you have at most two hours per day in which to talk to a potential date -- and one of you might end up working late, be in the subway when the other calls, etc. and an entire day is lost.

One of the advantages of email and texting is that the other person can respond when they have time; anyone who's played "phone tag" with someone for several days just to ask them out can understand the appeal. Women, most of whom sit on their asses and expect men to do all the work (as Mox advises), cannot understand this because they've never been through it.

I've also run into a lot of women lately who warn me they never check their vmail; if you don't get them when you call, the only way you'll ever get a response is by texting (or emailing) them. And, in the online dating world, many women are hesitant to give out their phone numbers for fear of being harassed, so the guy may only _have_ her email address at first.

[UES Gal]

I agree with CR. I never check my vmail, especially since my ringer is always off or on vibrate. I love text/email. Thats why I have a blackberry. I see nothing wrong with setting up a first date via text or email. However, after you start a routine of seeing one another, I do expect a phone call or two. It might just be me. I spent many years on Wall Street selling stocks, investments, etc over the phone, so, unless its my mom or sister, or someone I know, I rearely pick up the phone.

[b]

In my experience it's handy to use texting or email to set up a time for a phone call, and that has worked very well, especially for coordinating during the workday. Him: "Taking lunch btw 1:00 and 1:30. Call you then?" Me: "Sounds great! ttyt" Then we'd make the actual date plans during the call. That way, you can time your calls for when you're both available and eliminate the phone tag shuffle. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

[amie]

I agree with Sexand Moxie that texting is more of a pain in the ass and takes much longer back and forth typing than a 5 min. conversation. Also things can get taken the wrong way, such as sarcasm or flirting or a delayed response. How many times do we check our sent text to see if the other person had gotten it delivered and if so why didn't they write back yet?
As for IMing, that I have completely given up on because we can waste hours on the comp. and personally I don't have that time to waste online at home or at work. Plus sitting at a comp. for hours will only give you a backache and a big flat ass and who wants that, lol?
Call me old fashioned, but I prefer good old phone conversations or meeting face to face. I even consider call waiting to be rude and messes up the tone of the conversation and sometimes causes us to forget what we were in the middle of talking about. I guess that is the problem today and why there are so many of us still single. We can all spare a few minutes at the end of the day between 8-10pm to give a quick call and not just to ask for a date, but to see how the person we met or are considering dating is doing. It is nice to hear a caring voice on the line and good manners to ask a few days in advance what the person's schedule is like to go out. I have done it occassionally in the past (accepted last minute dates) but it was usually when I was bored or had no other better plans either. It is not a good idea though to let the guy you are interested know this, but I was never good at lying, lol. I don't appreciate it though and would prefer a few days notice. As busy as we all can be, mostly all of us have cell phone, so a 5 min. call is not too much to ask for.

[Cullen]

This whole text conversation vs. phone conversation dialog has been rehashed a number of times on Moxie's blog. Personally, I am an individual who wholeheartedly prefers to have any conversation face to face. Imagine that! I'll text friends endlessly, but in regards to dating I will call a woman when I want to ask her out. The trick is that that phone call will not contain a conversation... just plan making. Maybe a little BRIEF catching up. My explanation if/when asked? I don't like the phone, I prefer to catch up and have conversations in person... ESPECIALLY when getting to know someone.

I have to agree with VJ though... a prescribed method of communication is antiquated and stinks of The Rules. However, if a person's manner (of communicating or otherwise) doesn't get you going... then it falls into what you want/need type of choices.

To the OP, on everything else... what Moxie said.

[trouble]

I don't really have a preference between phone, text and e-mail. But, if it were me, and I hadn't heard from the guy by Thursday to nail down such ambiguous plans, you better believe that I'd have been "busy." There is no way in hell that I want a guy thinking that I'm that available and sitting around waiting for him to call. And dammit, women, BE BUSY. Have enough respect for your own personal time that if a guy plays this game, he quickly he learns that you aren't just his little toy that he can pick up and play with whenever he wants.

This sends a message to him, as well...it tells him that OTHER PEOPLE want you. There's some competition for your time. You're valuable and in-demand. And, if he doesn't get off his ass, he may lose out.

I think it is important for a man to see us like that...as independent people who aren't waiting for a man to find us.

[VJ]

You know, I feel like I've got to write the longer posts and helpfully (?) capitalize the key points as few people actually read the posts.

CR was reiterating a point that I was trying to explain. If you do a 'time and motion study' of the times when guys are actually available to make what amounts to a deeply private 'ask' for a date, it might amount to a few spare minutes in between a work day. A sort of hurried communication that somehow is required by many women, well, because they're just wedded to that lovely 19th century technology, and all those old movies we guess. But for most people? Privacy, real necessary privacy is not very obtainable in most work situations, and for good reasons, commonly.

So where does that leave us? With many women here & elsewhere evidently, 'standing on ceremony' and insisting that the guy just Has to endure the recapitulation of all the old HS fears of possible strain & embarrassment making the ask, and all that might entail. And for a simple coffee meet? We have to just reach you, you don't 'do' voice mail, rarely answer texts, and won't do emails? Yeah, I'll call it Rules Silly stuff.

And folks, when someone tells you that 'that's how business operates', it's actually a compliment. Most guys? They take their careers far more seriously than they do most women. Sorry, that's just the truth. And those are the good guys, BTW. Now for a special women that they might go on and have a LTR with, or indeed marry? That might be a bit different. At least for a time, 'when courting'. I'm sorry gals, for most of the time? The guys just don't have the acres of time necessary to do all this romancing of the kinds you saw in the movies way back when. If they're working they just won't. You commonly will not have their undivided attention, due to the tempo and times that we live in, and the way businesses operates today. Folks used to be able to be assured of 'weekends off' this is far less so for most jobs today.

So if you demand that they actually have to reach you to make the actual ask over the phone, especially after having met first? This is just a silly 'barrier' that most guys will blow off as 'high maintenance' behavior, sad but true. Now there are guys, and plenty of them out there willing to romance you forever, and who might even be attracted to 'high maintenance' gals. They take it as a particular personal challenge, as a sort of hobby. Sure, they're typically un & under employed, but there are scores of them to be found everywhere, PUA's, Lotharios, Casanovas. All too many gals will spend their 20's either chased or chasing such guys, precisely because they're so reasonably available and just so superficially attractive and 'ever so romantic'. The 'work a day' guys? They'll wake up late one day in their late 20's, 30's, 40's (and it's always late), and perhaps decide they want to be married. And the gals who have all these requirements, strictures and implied Rules & regulations they need to learn & employ just to 'show up' and try to play? Yeah, those are the ones that will be chosen later. By all those willing to play the games. Most of the real guys? Even the really interested ones? They no longer have the time to play the games.

And now you know one of the real reasons behind the dearth & 'disappearance' of dating for the 20-30 something set. They won't endure the possible embarrassment of making the ask by phone, and hence it just never happens. And they can't be bothered to Obey the Old Rules, as there's always easier pickings to be found (at least during their 20's). So at the same time one end of the age spectrum are demanding a 'return to traditions', it's actually disappearing everywhere else for those ages traditionally most likely to marry. Reality. Learn it, Live it, Love it. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

[SexandMoxie]

You know, I feel like I've got to write the longer posts and helpfully (?) capitalize the key points as few people actually read the posts.

VJ, this is kind of the problem I and other people have with your comments. Nobody appointed you some sort of Big Red Pen of this blog. People don't respond to your comments because they're too long, repetitive and kind of pompous. You overload your comments with random bullshit that, really, nobody gives a shit about and has nothing to do with the topic. So I'll say it again: Your comments are habitually too long and rambling. Stop with the capitalization and quotes and just write a regular comment like everyone else. Or I'll just ban you. It's that simple.

[RC]

woman - singular vs. women - plural
Please get this one straight, Please!

[VJ]

OK I'll bite. Show me where the prior comments above were 'overloaded with random BS' Moxie. I'll own overly long & pompous. It's an occupational hazard. I've got no 'Big Red Pen', and rarely attack anyone here by name or unkindly. If you want to ban me for all that? It's your perfect right, as I've said before. Cheers, 'VJ'

[Cricri]

Well VJ thanks for mixing proper manners and etiquette with cheap tasteless scenarii. It's a confort to see that women have to conform/submit to the lack of romance and attention that guys nowadays find simply normal. I guess that's what makes the difference between those casanovas and the "real men". It's about phone calls and I hear casanova: wow, what a sad idea you must have of women.
The reality you're describing is the one where men do and women accept. Not gonna happen!
This lack of proper communication has to be detected from the beginning so that all the rewiring is avoided in the future. There is nothing wrong with demanding face time. If someone doesn't have the balls to ask you out and cares more about other stuff to do it then you already know how you rank in his interests.
Plus I always hear people saying that they do not want someone to change them, then again they make zero effort to change themselves. To cut it short, simply date those who communicate like you. I know that women like challenges and always think they can accomodate/change men in the long run but that's just setting yourself up for failure.

[amie]

To VJ sorry but I agree with Moxie...your comments are way too long and boring for anyone to read. Moxie's comments are usually interesting and on point at least. I don't think she means to be rude to you, but with some people you just have to be that way so they "get it". Plus you take up too much space on the blog so people don't want to bother to scroll all the way down to read all the other comments.

[Crotch Rocket]

"And dammit, women, BE BUSY." And that means actually busy, as in make other plans if you haven't heard from the guy by Weds or Thurs, not pretending to be busy when you're really going to sit at home watching TV and stewing about how all men suck. Get yourself a life. It fills in the space between dates and gives you something to talk about, it'll make you less desperate and obsessive about being single, you might meet interesting people, and you'll be honest rather than playing a game when you say, "sorry, I didn't hear from you so I made other plans," to that clueless guy who asks you out on Fri or Sat. We can smell the difference, even over the phone or email...

"I think it is important for a man to see us ... as independent people who aren't waiting for a man to find us." Except that's exactly what Moxie advises women to be -- passively waiting for a man to do all the work to "prove" himself (when, in reality, it's only the players that will jump through all the hoops that The Rules require).

[trouble]

Get yourself a life. It fills in the space between dates and gives you something to talk about, it'll make you less desperate and obsessive about being single, you might meet interesting people, and you'll be honest rather than playing a game when you say, "sorry, I didn't hear from you so I made other plans,"

Seriously, y'all. As women, we should not be sitting around, waiting for our lives to begin when we find the right guy. Time's a wastin'. Start LIVING. Start enjoying your life, NOW. Life is too short to do otherwise.

[trouble]

VJ: I don't want to sound harsh, because I actually like you, but your comments here are example enough. You could have said what you said in one paragraph, at the most. I don't read your comments because you always lose me after the first paragraph.

[anonymous, please]

late to the commenting party but just wanted to chime in & say how timely this question was for me. during the holiday break a friend & i encountered similar scenarios. moxie's advice was spot-on & made me realize it's sometimes necessary to reign in our overthinkg.

[cleo]

did she say he texted her at 1 AM on Sat? Did she mean 1 PM?