A Wife's Revenge

Name: ConflictedNYer || Location: New York , NY |Question: Ok Mox.  Long time reader, first time writer.

A few years ago, I had a relationship with a married man.  His wife found out and went nuts.  Ultimately he left his wife, moved in with me, and we dated for another year and broke up. Prior to me, he had another affair during his 7 yr marriage. 

During his divorce, his wife went a little off the deep end and stalked/harassed/whatever the two of us (I recognize many of you will feel this was well deserved).  We both fell into depression as we attempted to weather the storm.  She made countless comments about how he was 'without honor,' how she had given up her best years for him, etc.  She said everything she could think of to shame him and create a lasting feeling of guilt, and she was most successful.  She made him feel like garbage, totally devestated.  And I strongly suspect that he has carried significant feelings of guilt to this day.

I haven't spoken to the guy in years.  This situation had a very lasting impact on me psychologically as I felt eternally guilty for 'breaking up a marriage.'  During the divorce, she made countless remarks about how over the years she had tried to be a good wife to him, done everything she could to make him happy, and he had ultimately betrayed her.

A short time ago, I happened upon some information.  During his marriage to this woman, she had an affair.  An affair that lasted many years, during which she openly expressed her love for the other man, wished he would leave his wife for her, and said that she never felt any guilt over it.  I believe the affair probably started before the marriage, and lasted through its entirity.

When I discovered this, I realized that this woman may be a sociopath.  The way she behaved during the year of their divorce combined with my knowledge of what was going on in her life with the other man simultaneously removed any ounce of guilt I have ever felt about the entire situation. 

My question, should I give him this information?  When I knew him, he lived in a constant state of guilt and devastation over how he had cheated on his ex-wife.  What he doesn't know is that throughout their marriage she was engaged in an adulterous affair with another man.  A big part of me wants no interaction with either of them, just to stay away.  On the other hand, if I were him, I would truly want to know.  They are divorced now, and it might shed some light on how she behaved.  It would probably also relieve him of a significant amount of his guilt. 

Moxie, in some ways I really just want to live my life and stay out of it.  On the other hand, I sometimes think he deserves to know.  It may help him close a chapter of his life and move on.  I know how I felt when I found out, shocked, relieved, and so so much lighter.

Thoughts? |Age: 27

Tell him. Tell him only because you know how it made you feel, and because I know you and know you're not some raving lunatic out for revenge. Tell him because you genuinely want him to feel better. But feel him out first and make sure this won't pitch him over the edge or make him flip out.

What I've learned in my life about situations such as this is this: The ones that go around screaming and crying victim and haranguing those they feel wronged them are usually the ones who are the actual source of the problem. It's natural to be hurt when you're the one being cheated on. But there's a line. A person doesn't go off the deep end like that out of the blue. If she's angry about anything, it's that she stayed in a marriage that was unsatisfying and possibly gave up the chance for true happiness. She must have had a lot of regret stored up for her to act the way she did. That kind of anger is a combination of hurt and denial and regret. She was pissed at herself for not making the move to be happy the way he did. So, in order to soothe her own inner tornado of self-hatred, she projected all of that on to him. It's a lot easier to do that than to assess your own behavior and choices and acknowledge that you stayed in a relationship that did not make you happy or meet your needs.

Now, that doesn't completely waive you and him of any wrong doing, of course. He did still cheat, regardless of what she did. It would be different if he knew she was cheating and that just pushed him out the door and on to someone else. But that's not the case. You know that. Nobody ever escapes a situation like that unscathed. It's never simple or without a lot of hurt and anger and guilt. Anybody who thinks it will be that easy hasn't a clue what they're getting in to.They need to be seriously invested if they hope that the relationship will weather that kind of storm.

Comments

[Suzie]

I completely and absolutely disagree.

To the person seeking advice - the marriage is over, the man is no longer a part of your life and hasn't been for years. Leave it as it is. You want to assuage your own guilt, not his. Yes, you were a factor in destorying a marriage. But probably not the only factor. Deal with it. Learn from your mistakes. Hopefully it has made you a better person. But, don't dig up the past just to make yourself feel less guilty or for any other reason. Let it be and move forward.

[jaclyn]

I think you should tell him via email or letter. Tell him in your note that you do not want to have any further contact with him, but are simply sending a letter because he has been feeling guilty about the situation.

Don't call and don't accept any further communication from him if being out of his life is helping you move on with yours. Oh, and we all make mistakes in life. Whenever you feel guilty, try to redirect your thoughts to analyzing why you made the choices you did and making better ones in the future.

[Vixen]

My aunt (who is my family) and uncle got divorced 2 years ago. I went to visit my uncle a few weeks ago and although he unburdened himself on me about the relationship/divorce, I never did cross the boundary to tell him all the dirt that she did whilst married to him. I think that telling him would have just hurt him more than he's already been hurt through the divorce.

Just let it alone. Let this guy heal. What if the guy has already moved on? Why bring up this awful period in his life and all those feelings?

If you simply must be the harbinger of this news...then please, do it anonymously. Stuff like this ends of backfiring...horribly.

[Kerry]

Leave it alone. You have speculation and your own selfish agenda of relieving both of you and him of your guilt and making it seem like the affair you had is less liable to the demise of the marriage. It's not. Each of you needs to come to terms with your behavior, her, him and you and move on. There is no point in bringing this back up as it may disturb any healing that is already underway.

[badmash007]

My vote is to tell the guy. He's living with the guilt (undeservedly). He needs to know.

My guess is that most of the advice about not to tell him would come from women only. Men are very good at dealing with things and moving on. Plus, we prefer to know what is the truth versus drama around it.

Tell him. Make him feel better. Psychopaths should be stayed away from. We can't go around protecting them.

[trouble]

As a woman, knowing some of the additional dirt about my ex-husband has helped me. For instance, a couple of years ago, I encountered my ex's former boss. We always got along very well and our kids went to the same childcare provider. She told me, "It was so hard keeping my mouth shut about what my suspicions were about him and a co-worker."

It just justified that what I did was the right thing. Knowing that he has cheated, since, on several of his girlfriends, has absolved me of SOME of the guilt I still carry around about the divorce.

My personality type, we will hang on to relationships even to our detriment and then feel guilty about walking away. I know in this instance that his cheating had nothing to do with me, he probably did it before he met me, and he's done it since he left me, and that has gone a long ways towards helping me deal with the residue of guilt and shame I've carried around because of the failure of my marriage.

Watching him cheat on some truly great women that he's dated has told me a lot about his character that I didn't realize when we were married. I thought he cheated because of something I did, or didn't, do. But now I know that I was a good wife, and it was a flaw in HIS character.

I would send it anonymously, though, and then stay out of it. Let him work through it on his own.

[KIKI]

I think you should just stay away from these people. Two things, one - he cheated before you, and then with you. Why would you want him? In case that is really in the back of your mind. AND, he also may have also been putting on a "show" for you. Here's a fresh idea for you to consider. MAYBE they are SWINGERS... A swinger rule is to honor the primary relationship always (his ex) and MAYBE he broke that rule and fell in love with you. In other words, they knew about the cheating, and BOTH were ok with it until you came along and he left her!I am NOT a swinger but have recently become aware of this type of behavior, AND this scenario makes sense here. Think about it. And trust me, these people are VERY good actors (ie. your guy)...Also, MOST people just "know" when someone is cheating. Your probably better off just staying away from them. Best of luck!

[DaveInReston]

I would dig down to the root of two questions - first, what good can come from this info? I can see a total world of hurt coming your way once he confronts her with the info (and you must assume that he will), but what potential good does it do you since he is no longer a part of your life? Second, what is your real reason for wanting to share this info? If it is because of some noble calling, then sending it anonymously as Trouble suggested makes sense. However, if it is because of ghosts of what could have been, then don't send it - remember that we often forget the pain and drama that someone has inflicted while romanticizing the good. You kicked him to the curb for a reason - leave this at the curb

[Kaybee]

I disagree with Moxie on this one. Leave the past in the past. And besides what you've learned is FACT? or Hearsay? If you open that door be prepared for the backlash. I say just leave it in the past. What happens in the dark always comes to light...it's just a matter of time. You never know if this is something he already found out and moved on from or who knows what you discovered could be all hearsay. Leave these people and your past with them in the past so you (and that guy) can move forward with the future.

[onyx]

It's shite that you felt that her bad behaviour and hypocrisy melted away any culpability on your part, or his.

You didn't know this at the time he was cheating on her with you. Even if she cheated on him as well, he was still blissfully cheating on her. You obviously have no compass of your own to feel that someone else's assholeness is a good magic eraser for your assholeness.

I think if you really have to do it, then others' suggestions of an anonymous letter is a good idea. If instead you choose to tell him yourself, that would suggest that you do in fact still want some bit of that drama in your life again. The wound won't heal instantly with this information. You assume that hearing about this will affect him the same way it affected you but you don't really know what you are stirring up.

[laughoutloud]

ConflictedNYer--
It's MOOT-- if it's in the past. However, you insist to pin your Scarlet Letter on the ex-wife, to make YOU feel better.

[Brian]

Listen to how self-righteous some of you ladies sound.

His wife was cheating on him, maybe before he cheated on her. He was faced with three options: stay in what sounds like an unhappy marriage with a wife who is cheating on him, get divorced and lose his shirt and become financially ruined or choose to be happy with someone else. You have no idea what his wife may have done to drive him towards another woman.

Not one person here has condemned her for cheating. Why is that? Why is it that when a woman claims spousal abandonment she receives support from other women, but when a man does it he's a selfish jerk?

No woman can "steal" another woman's man unless the woman is helping push him away in the first place.

[Kim Hess Divorce Guru]

tell him

[just_me]

He cheated, guilt is imminent with anyone who has a conscience.

How reliable is the information that his then wife cheated? "Third person" is considered hearsay in court, as much as we may want to believe it in life.

Telling him does not alleviate your participation or his.

If his wife cheated, then she is not without guilt either. There should be no double standards.

[just_me]

No woman can "steal" another woman's man unless the woman is helping push him away in the first place.

Do you really believe that? tsk tsk

[NYConsultant27]

I'm the poster. I can answer a few questions.

1. It's fact, not hearsay. 100%. Unfortunately I work in the legal system, and yes it would stand 'beyond reasonable doubt.'

2. She started the affair either before they got married or within a year or two after, and it continued, as far as I can tell, thoughout their seven year marriage. He had his first affair into the marriage a few years. No this does not obsolve anyone of anything, I'm just remarking because it came up in some of the posts.

3. I have no desire to be with this man anymore. I am completely indifferent toward him, when I hear about him or think of him I feel nothing, not anger, regret, longing, nada. I wish him the best. I'd even set him up if I knew someone suitable. Also I am in a relationship.

4. trouble - your posting is exactly why I would even consider telling him. I dated a man whom I thought placed the stars in the sky, I thought we were very happy and ultimately he cheated on me, probably many times. In the years he has been a friend since, I have never seen him juggle fewer than four women at a time, including now when he is engaged. Knowing that it is HIM and not ME gave me a huge sense of relief and perspective, removed any sense of longing, and gave me that whole 'whew! dodged that one!' feeling. Now when I see how he behaves I just shake my head and chuckle. He's a great friend but I pity the woman...

5. To all the posters that publically flogged me, I agree its well deserved. I was at a low point in my life, and I did something that was not morally in line with the person I want to be. Believe me, I have suffered. And none of this, none of it, makes me feel good. It does however change my perspective. I did remark that this information removed any guilt I felt about the situation. I don't know why I feel so much lighter, but after the stalking, harassment, verbal abuse and attacks I was on the receiving end of, and all of the self loathing that followed... I can't explain it. To learn about her double life, its all just gone.

And finally, Kiki, your posting was hilarious.

Thank you all for your remarks.

[Brian]

Tell him.

Don't overanalyze it like most of the Women do on this Blog - tell him.

[Tracy]

If you learned through some confidential means then stay out of it. Regardless of what this woman did, what you did was still very wrong.
Whatever she did does not take away from your guilt no how.
I think you should let him know anonymously just because he should know, hopefully he's not a huge dick who will think her bad behavior somehow absolves him of HIS own blame too but tell him anyway. Do it anonymously to make sure you're not just getting involved because part of you wants him back or worse just because you selfishly want to feel better about your own guilt.
At the end of the day, none of you are blameless or acted right, you're all wrong, you know this deep down...It still does not absolve you nor him of wrongdoing.
But so is all people in a way unless we admit we're flawed and perhaps learn to forgive others as we need forgiveness ourselves always!