Condom Conflict

Name: Thom  | Location: New York, NY |Question: How can you know for sure if a woman is practicing birth control? I'm recently divorced and new to the New York City dating scene. I'm not ready to jump back in to having a serious relationship but have been casually dating a woman I met on line for the past few months. The first time we had sex I used a condom and then every time since. Last weekend she told me she had just started taking the Pill and that we didn't need to use condoms anymore. I've only been with my ex-wife for the last ten years and know I am disease free (I've been tested since my divorce last year.) This woman is the first sexual partner I've had since my ex-wife. I took her at her word this past weekend. Some close male friends have told me to NEVER agree to go bareback with anyone regardless of whether or not they say they're using birth control. I hate condoms and haven't had to use them in some time so they get in the way of the experience. The problem is I go soft whenever I use one and would prefer not to wear one. Is there a way I can make sure a woman is disease free, signs I can look for, ways to prove she's using birth control? |Age: 41

Please tell me you're joking. Please?

No, there is no way you can ensure a woman (or a man) does not have an STD or HIV. Nor is there any way you can be 100% sure she took her pill that day or inserted her diaphragm. Unless you want to carry a speculum with you on every date and give her an internal exam.

There are people out there who are walking around with an STD and don't even know it.  There are also plenty of people who have an STD, know it, and don't care if they infect someone. Then there's the alarming ignorance in regards to ovulation, fertility and pregnancy. Oh, and then there's the people who are so desperate to find someone to settle down with that they will gladly get an STD or get pregnant just to ensure you will be tied to them for the rest of their life. We're talking people in their 30's and 40's. Yep. They're blythely going along with whatever their partner says, despite knowing the risks. Men having unprotected sex with women they have no feelings for, believing her when she says she's practicing birth control, knowing she has feelings for him, not for one second wondering if maybe, just maybe, she's trying to trap him. Then there are women with HPV and various other STD's begging men for bareback sex, swearing up and down that they're safe and clean and not at risk because they're in serious denial of actually having a disease or think because they haven't had an outbreak they're safe. Yup. I know a guy who right now is sweating it out wondering if he contracted Herpes from a woman he met online.

You've been out of the game for awhile, so I'll give you a slight pass. But at 41, that means you were still single in the early to mid 90's. Ummm...all that stuff we worried about? Yeah, still a big problem.

Wrap it up. Or do what my friend J. does and only engage in oral sex. Although that isn't 100% safe either.

The bigger question is...why would you even want to take this risk??

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Sleepy]

I understand how he feels. Unless you see her take the pills from the round tray and you are sure it's not tic tacs, then there's your assurance. however, they are not 100% effective. As far as the STD thing. Get tested at the same time with the same doctor. Otherwise it's not worth it.

[iiliana]

Your friends are smart for warning you against having unprotected sex. People are humans and to be Human is to err. Continue using condoms and get yourself tested immediately. Until you are in a relationship and see some current testing documentation from her don't go without them.

[yikes]

I was told by a doctor that HPV (the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer) is prevalent in the hetero community and about 80% of women have it. They can also clear it from their bodies most of the time. I was also advised not to bother telling my partners because just about everyone has it and there is no test for men. However I still feel that the right thing to do is warn people and let them make the decision about whether to have unprotected sex with you. Or did you mean HSV (herpes) Moxie as that is another story. Yes, there are MANY people who never get a herpes outbreak and you are at risk having unprotected sex with them because there is asymptomatic shedding. And yes, there are way too many people who don't give a shit if they infect someone. I think they feel that they got it from someone who wasn't honest with them so they are getting revenge. Or they have sex with a woman they don't initially care about and don't care if they infect the, But I wonder how it affects the relationship if they get involved and then one partner comes down with an STD and then you play the blame game.

Even though I have a boyfriend I routinely get screened for STDs and this time the doctor seriously asked me why I was doing it. He said are you gay or having sex with gay men or an IV drg user. I said no. He then asked me why I was doing this and I said because it's what people routinely do, no? I thought this was very irresponsible of him and got tested anyway.

As for the pregnancy issue I think if you go bareback you should be prepared for the possible outcome of a pregnancy and at least discuss with the woman that no birth control is 100% accurate and what would they do if they got pregnant. If they say they would abort ask them what if you changed your mind because you are not prepared to be a father

I wonder what the heck is going through the mind of these women. I think they must be desperate to please the man since the majority of men hate condoms. It's very sad that they are willing to risk their lives to hold onto a man

[Missy]

I would hope that in this day and time that we would know better than this.

[Guy Bitegrand]

Yeah, condoms suck; it's like screwing through Handiwrap. But without 'em you takes yer chances. It's no more complicated than that.

[trojandoll]

In a month's time, I will have a new nephew. My SIL claims that she was on the pill at the time, but there's no way to know for sure if she was and her boyfriend (who she had been dating for about 2 weeks when she got pregnant) is going to be a father. He was not happy about the pregnancy when he found out, and although it has grown on him and he is still with her, this is not going to be an easy situation for them once the baby is born. Imagine yourself in this situation and then decide if you want to wear a condom.

[Lindak]

Maybe she is actually disease-free, trusts that he is disease- free, likes the feeling of going bareback (and not having to insert something herself), so she went on the pill? Maybe she's being - dare I say the word - HONEST? There ARE honest people out there, believe it or not. I happen to believe that there are more honest ones than dishonest ones. Stop looking for reasons to be so damn suspiscious.

[Lindak]

Forgot -did you all read the part at the end where he says he gos soft trying to use condoms? Um... that is probably the big reason she wants to go bareback. What's the poor guuy to do, buy a strap-on dildo?

[Moxie]

Maybe she is actually disease-free, trusts that he is disease- free, likes the feeling of going bareback (and not having to insert something herself), so she went on the pill?

No exclusivity, no bareback. That you even have to question that makes you sound ignorant and pathetic. The guy said he didn't want a relationship. Which means he could go off and sleep with someone else if he so chooses, as could she. And for all he knows, she's slept with someone else in between the last time she was tested and when they had sex and contracted something.

Seriously, wackos like you really need to go to your own island you can infect each other and whine about what low self-esteem you have and throw pity parties for yourselves.

[lt]

Of course I agree that if we are single we should be using condoms when having sex but like one of the posters said, we still are human. I know I have slipped up before and not used condoms in the past (not a lot of times but some) and I just pray I continue to use good judgement.

[MD]

Amazes me how in this day and age so many men hate wearing condoms and take women at their word when they say they are on the pill.
My ex-husband's mistress swore up and down to him that she was on the pill, but somehow managed to get pregnant anyway....

[laughoutloud]

Wow... 41 years old, and you're asking this question...
Please go back to Sex Ed.

[trouble]

If you don't want to risk an unplanned pregnancy, wear a condom.

[ShyGal]

Just wanted to point out that depending on when in her cycle a woman starts taking the pill, she can might still be able to get pregnant for the the first seven days while her system adjusts, so if she had "just started taking the pill" you would be quite stupid to stop using condoms until you had waited a week (not counting the question of her STD status).

I agree with the sentiment that bareback sex is only for committed, monogamous couples who have been co-tested for STDs together. However, from having frank discussions with my parents, who are both single and dating, I gather that older men have a big problem with staying hard and hate condoms, and that both older men and older women seem to think they are immune from STDs. Not sure how to combat these problems.

[Walden]

If you go soft using condoms, and you are 41, just swallow your pride and get some Viagra or Levitra. Do not bother with any kind of herbal junk. You aren't 19 anymore and it is perfectly normal for your erections to need a little help at this age when using condoms.

On a side note: Lose the extra weight (you know if this applies to you), clean up your diet to cut the build-up of gunk in those precious blood vessels, and consider pomegranate and resveratrol supplements for blood vessel health.

Just don't be a CHUMP and not use a condom!!!

[onyx]

No, there are absolutely no signs to show she is disease-free. No physical signs, and you can ask to see test results but this is worthless if both of you are still seeing other people at the same time and don't know what is happening in each encounter. She could have clean results from two weeks ago but had unprotected sex with a casual someone else 3 days ago, so what does that piece of paper mean?

And you won't be able to tell if she's taking the pills or not unless you're with her at the same hour of the day every day when she takes them, and you know for sure they are birth control pills that she is popping in her mouth. You could check her pill case everytime you see her and count the number of empty places since the last time you saw her to see if there is one missing for every day since you last saw her, but that's obviously not very reliable either since it's easy enough to throw pills away. Not to mention I'm not sure what kind of woman wouldn't be creeped out by this sort of controlling behaviour.

There is no way for you to tell. If you really can't have sex without a condom (which I'm doubting... you say you go soft but you didn't say that you haven't been able to have sex with her at all because of the condoms), maybe you should try and control the part that's actually in your hands - your own body, mind and behaviour. Either a) change your negative, naysaying attitude and find out how you can be more comfortable with a condom on, I'm sure there are a lot of resources and suggestions out there for men with this problem; or b) only have sex where you can go condomless with women you actually trust and think you know really well.

Kind of encompasses the fact that as much as people want to pretend it doesn't, sex still involves a huge amount of personal responsibility and is still about the relationship between two people, including how little or much they know about each other.

I don't really think you deserve a free pass just because you were married for a long time. You're just wanting an easy out because you're lazy to change your part in this and you want to have what you want without accepting any responsibility or risk. But you have asked about this so maybe you are ready to stop looking for easy outs.

Honest or not, any woman who offers unprotected sex to casual partners is reckless and/or stupid and uninformed.

[Lindak]

To Moxie - no, I don't suffer form low self-esteem at all. Paranoid, suspicious people are the ones with low self esteem- not honest ones who trust their fellow human beings. (tic-tacs, for Christ's sake? How do you people even think up such things?)

[Oscar]

Babies? give me a break... HIV! HIV! HIV! I got a vasectomy (by the way don't do it.. it's sooooo painful) a while ago.... and believe me....I always use condoms.... and it happens.. Im 29.. and sometimes my Johnson goes soft it sucks! and I have 9% fat... extreme good shape.... I'm not saying it's a normal thing (once in a while... but it happens.. you have to deal with that like a man..)
give the guy a break. I know He is kinda old to ask this kid of questions but anyone is free to ask... we all have that moments; what's the purpose of the blog anyway? I don't like the way that some people is treated over here when they just happen to ask something.....
Cheers...
O.

[Chris]

Even in an exclusive relationship your guard against getting something is the ---other persons word--- which we can see by the articles many times posted on this blog does not really appear to mean much anymore. And your supposed "exclusive" partner maybe exclusive with a few more people you don't know about.

We have rampant cheating by married men and women, so the only 100% risk free method is NEVER ever, even if married to have unprotected sex. In fact more often then not it seems people in marriage who suffer a cheating partner get STD's most often probably because the cheating party is less picky about whom they choose to have sex with I feel. So married folks and those in relationships maybe the most at risk because at least us single people carefully evaluate -I hope- whether we want to share builds with someone else. Our sensors are more tuned and up then attached folks.

It's a hard call at anytime and I am just bringing out that a relationship is actually little real guarantee of safety even know many seem to think it is. In fact anytime you choose to rub bodies there is some risk I believe. The risks are much great for women, it's much harder is my understanding for men to contract STD's.

I have been very lucky myself, I actually had unprotected sex with someone who had herpes and never got, unprotected sex with every girlfriend [no STD's or pregnancies], tested extensively. I am certainly not advocating it, and I think I have just been lucky none of my partners had anything. I do feel and I know this maybe controversial, there are higher or lower risk partners. The person who has had 40 partners, and is sure they are OK and says they are tested may lull you in to a false sense of security. In my mind they are higher risk because they are more likely to go out and get sex when things are on the rocks.

Finally when you do decide to go bareback because your supposedly committed, when do you stop trusting your partner? Is it your sixth sense [which women have much more highly developed] that says, stop trusting? What if your senses fail you?

I agree with Moxie, even know I didn't follow the advice, very scary indeed...

[hXc]

Wow. Great post. Use condoms 100% of the time. Practice with them and get good at them, love them, and carry many of them with you at all times!

[Crotch Rocket]

"... the doctor seriously asked me why I was doing it. He said are you gay or having sex with gay men or an IV drg user." This is unfortunately a very common problem among doctors -- they're in just as much denial as most of their patients. Almost every time I've asked for STD tests, the doctor looks at me funny, asks all kinds of unnecessary questions, and then tries to talk me out of it. Now I just go to Planned Parenthood to avoid the hassles I get from "real" doctors. PP has their own problems, though -- their standard STD panel doesn't include HIV (!) and adding it doubles the price (if you don't have insurance or don't want any records of being there, like most of their clientele).

"There ARE honest people out there, believe it or not." Sure; most people are being honest when they say they're clean (well, excluding HPV, which nearly everyone has). However, the question was how to tell when someone isn't being honest, and the short answer is "you can't". Someone who is malicious (or stupid) enough to lie about such serious matters is going to be good at it, and his bias (against condoms), while understandable, means it's impossible for him to objectively evaluate what they're saying.

Dude, if you don't want to knock the girl up and there is any doubt in your mind that she's clean, monogamous, and on some sort of birth control, keep it wrapped. If you're having problems staying hard, get some Cialis. Better yet, quit dating her entirely before your condoms start to "accidentally" break every time she's ovulating.

[Craig]

I'm with Crotchie. If you're having problems staying hard, going bareback with all the risks that come with that is not the solution. Get yourself checked out for a medical problem. Condom use should not be impeding your abilty to maintain an erection. I don't care what I have on my cock, if there's a naked woman sprawled out on a bed in front of me, that sucker ain't going down until I'm finished with her. As an alternative to prescription meds, you can get yourself some Stay-Hard cream.

http://www.viarexlabs.com/prodinfo.asp?number=SH001

[Wow]

women lie all the time..do not trust them...don't cum inside them either unless you're ready to have kids..wear condoms at all times unless you're married and you have seen a printout of her test results from her doctor.

[DrivingMeNutes]

I disagree with most of the comments here. Most people (especially in NYC) vastly overestimate the risks of contracting disease. The doctors are actually correct -- if you're not engaging in otherwise risky conduct (IV drugs, sex with homosexuals) it is very unlikely that a heterosexual male will contract HIV from sex with a woman. Virtually impossible. (Most of the "everyone is at risk" advertising is a result of scare tactics used by some groups to increase funding for AIDS research) Now, as for other "STD's" there are not that many of them and none are worth being deathly afraid of or giving up your sex life for. You've probably already been exposed to herpes in one form or another. If not and you catch it, it's more likely to be a nuisance in your life than any real big deal. Condoms don't fully protect you from that anyway. Pregnancy is another matter. If you're not using condoms, at the very least, you need to pull out even if she tells you she's on the pill. That's my 2 or maybe 3 cents....

[DrivingMeNutes]

Sorry, one more thought for anyone that cares. Herpes is very commonly transmitted through oral sex -- possibly the most common mode of transmission these days depending on who you believe.

[Kim Hess Divorce Guru]

Thom,
I feel your pain. I am divorced after being with the same man (dating and marriage) for 12 years. I'm now 35 and out in the dating world again. When I started having sex again, I too didn't want to use condoms. Until I thought about pregnancy, AIDS, herpes etc.

Use a condom. You don't know all the other sexual partners that your lover has been with (or is currently also having sex with). Use a condom, and let going soft be the worst problem you have versus child support, pain, or death.

[onyx]

DrivingMeNuts, it's pretty irresponsible to make STDs out to be trivial. What I'd say is that STDs have more stigma than they should, and certainly being "deathly afraid" is not a good approach to take to any illness because stress and worry itself can do a world of harm. But STDs aren't that well understood and managed. And though many of them might be symptomless in a number of people, there is a very real and important threat to women in terms of untreated infections leading to infertility and increasing the risk of certain cancers.

There may not be "that" many of them but the problem is that they spread pretty easily. I also agree with people's concerns about their doctors dismissing their desire to be tested, because the fact is one never knows what kind of people or activities the person they've slept with has done. The world is not so neatly divided into homosexuals and drug users vs. everyone else, and the two groups shall never meet.

On another note, if people really want the best sexual health advice and care they're most always better off going to a sexual health clinic or something like family planning, where that is what they do and specialise in. General doctors are not as cluey and careful and more often than not let their own biases and misconceptions creep in.

It's so irresponsible to make like STDs are no big deal at all and gee, condoms don't really protect you. Using condoms and taking some interest in your body and health are still better than throwing in the towel and going bareback as much as possible. To speak of relative risks between various groups of people and based on the types of practices they have is one thing. To insinuate that heterosexuals (especially hetero men?) get off scot-free and that having an STD/STDs is a walk in the park is another.

[onyx]

To put it another way, I think sexual health specialists would say that having an STD is not the worst thing in the world and it's just an infection that happens to be localised in a socially "sensitive" part of the body. They have more stigma than they should and people get way more worried about them than they should.

However I think they would also say that because of how easily transmitted STDs are, how many people cannot even tell they have them and how they negatively affect fertility and encourage certain cancers along (not to mention that some people will have distressing/embarrassing symptoms), that people should still take care in protecting themselves and others in sexual activity.

I.e. Don't stress but please keep doing whatever you can to take care of your own and others' health.

[cricri]

DriveMeNuts is an idiot. If you're simply considering your little circle and the trends established in the 80's regarding contamination, they you've certainly engaged in risky behavior without knowing it. Considering other milieus, as in Africa or Asia, where drug using and homosexuality are behaviors that are less present, you cannot assume that heterosexual male ANYWHERE are safer and don't put their partners at risk. In these countries, heterosexual sex is the main contagious trend. It may not be the same here but people are people everywhere and they will lie or disregard your health everytime.
Also there is the "Down Low" thing; when you have no clue your bf is gay and engaging in intercourse with men. Everybody is at risk. It is that kind of denial that brought AIDS to his peak today. I'm revolted to hear people say that STDs/STIs are mere nuisances when some people are dying on the other side of the earth because of it or being ostracized because they're barren.

[just_me]

women lie all the time..do not trust them...don't cum inside them either unless you're ready to have kids..wear condoms at all times unless you're married and you have seen a printout of her test results from her doctor.

Posted by: Wow | July 10, 2009 at 07:55 PM

All women, ALL the time?! Sounds as though someone
has issues....or isn't able to discriminate females who lie from those that don't. Am guessing the percentages would be about the same whether male or
female. It's called "Human Nature" when it's the good in us or the bad.

[sureisfun]

DrivingMeNutes, You are disgusting. Stay away from me. Far, far away from me.

[Margina]

mind over matter on the condoms things it is not worth getting HIV, HPV, Herepes, etc.. NOT WORTH it...your problem is quite literally in your head!