Is An Affair Good For Her Marriage?

Name: Theresa | | Location: Boston , MA |Question: I am exchanging sexy texts with a coworker, really turns me on.  I'm married and find myself having renewed interest in my husband b/c of these hot msgs to me.  I think its all a good thing.  HEre's the problem, coworker and I are thinking about the next level.  Given this is all reawakening the sexual side of me, my husband is getting the benefits, how wrong is this?  What if I move to the next level and it makes me more crazy in bed with my husband is that so wrong?  What if I'm able to keep emotions with coworker separate from sex since I love my husband so much.....I am VERY confused right now.  Having a sexual fling could put a lot of SPICE back in my marital bedroom.  HELP! |Age: 41

Given that I'm in a similar situation, I don't really feel it's all that appropriate giving my opinion on this one. I can't judge you. Other than, uh, look....you know why sleeping with someone other than your husband is a bad idea. Don't try to justify it. It's just sad. What I'm doing with my friend is wrong. It's not right or appropriate. It's wrong. The thing that saves me from actually cheating with him is that I live hundreds of miles away. But he's doing what you're doing, I'm sure. He's justifying our behavior - the messages, the expressed desires, the texts. To him, no doubt, it's not actually cheating. And I do get the impression that all his fantasizing about me has enhanced his sex life with his wife. Win/win right? Wrong. It's cheating. It is. You are cheating on your husband. Fuck this Clinton noise BS about what constitutes sex and how nothing other than intercourse counts.

For one, you won't be able to keep your feelings in check. Look at how irrational you're already thinking. Do you really believe you'll be able to keep things that compartmentalized?

For two, you have no idea what this other guy is capable of. He could be a complete psycho who gets obsessed and then contacts your husband and blows the lid off your little tryst.

If you do decide to go through with this, know this....you will get caught.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[Amy]

There are plenty of other things that do NOT violate your marriage vows that can put the spice back into your married sex life. Like, uh, communication, for one thing -- most of the time when an affair (sexual, emotional, or otherwise) is allowed to happen and continue it's because the cheating person has unmet needs. Why do you find it easier to justify your vow-breaking behavior than to allow yourself to be vulnerable and talk to your husband about needs that aren't getting met? Why not start the sexy texts WITH YOUR HUSBAND?!?

Also: think about how your husband would feel if he found out. I highly doubt he'd thank you for finding a creative way to put the oomph back in your sex life. He'd likely be furious, feel betrayed, and a million other negative things -- are you willing to risk that (and your marriage) just because you're too much of a coward to stick to your vows, communicate with your husband, and find FAITHFUL ways to improve your sex life? Sheesh.

[trouble]

You're risking a lot here for "spice." Are you freaking kidding me? Have you even given any thought to how devastated your husband would be if he found out? What about your kids? Have you thought about how it would impact them?

You're acting like a selfish child who is thinking with her vagina and is going to get burned, badly, from this.

The sad thing is...you're going to burn other people, too.

Just, damn.

[juli]

WTF?? Oh yeah, I'm sure he will be so grateful to have spice.. right before he throttles your ass for ruining his life. DON'T YOU DARE CHEAT ON HIM!!!!! How dare you even send in this question. DUMB DUMB DUMB. You love him soooooooooooo much?? yeah right.

[MoxieReader]

I find it grossly unfair that the burden of spicing up your sex life falls solely on your shoulders (ur, other parts). Typical men! Imagine all the wonderful ways your husband could be spicing up your sex life by sleeping around with other women.

[Jules]

The sexual tension you are enjoying may serve to spice up things with your husband right now, but TRUST ME when you consummate this flirtation with new guy, your desire for your husband will deflate exponentially. Most women aren't really good at sustaining a high level of sexual interest in more than one man at a time, they just aren't.

And not only will hubby notice that your sexual interest in him is declining, but your tolerance for him in general will decline... you will even more attached to new guy after the sex, and spend all day fantasizing about him, and I don't just mean sexually, you will start daydreaming about an imaginary life with him, your husbands little day to day bad habits will become less tolerable... You will be a little less attracted to him.

This happened to me. (but thankfully I wasn't married to the person... Watch the movie Unfaithful, it's all there.

I DIDN"T EVEN get into the fact you WORK WITH THIS MAN!!! Consider those implications! BTW, if you think that no one else at work notices what's going on, you are quite mistaken.

[charlie]

Kudos to ALL the women, especially Moxie here who are telling this woman how irrational she's being.
Theresa, you are NOT satisfied with your relationship. Come to terms with it & either decide that you are going to grow up & confront it to move forward OR, get out of your relationship to pursue the cock at work.
Know that fucking people at your job seriously undermines how YOU are perceived at work. ESPECIALLY because you are a woman. Sexist? Yes. True? Absolutely...

[Skiz]

You may not feel any guilt now because you don't count sexy texts as cheating. And the reason the sex with your husband is heating up is probably because you are imaging the arousal your coworker gives you. Your husband may opt out of all this 'hot' sex if he knew it was another guy making you hot.

Once you take it to the next level then you won't be able to justify that you aren't cheating then. You may feel overwhelming guilt. Or even though you say you can keep sex seperate, what if your coworker grows feelings? See, things can get messy quick. So stop now while things are salvagable and people won't get hurt and not 2 years down the line when you're fighting in divorce court over custody and property.

[Nyerinroch]

A dissent from the Church of Moxie, here. The dirty little secret about affairs is that they often do improve a marriage, as long as certain rules are followed - 1) never, ever, never, "confess" to your husband. Any frisson that's making you seem more sexy to both your husband and you will just devolve into bitterness. 2) Don't TRY to keep your emotions in check, but don't overempower your emotions either. You can feel general affection for your lover, just but don't mistake that friendship for the kind of devotion and loyalty you get from your husband. And I'm not speaking about sexual loyalty, necessarily, but life loyalty. 3) Don't ignore the dangers of the previous posters. Yeah, sure, having an affair can spice things up and marriages can even improve because of a polite, discreet and nonconfrontational affair. But they can also end in divorce - it's a risk.

[StephanieRand]

Umm... Theresa... stop making the married women of Boston look bad. I've never known a lie to make things better in a marriage, unless it is my husband lying to me about how sexy I look - even though I have just given birth. That said; I will now proceed to take you to Jesus for being a stupid bitch. No matter what - cheating is cheating. If your husband was participating in "sexting" with a co-worker you'd be livid, never mind that you're fishing from the company pond and also potentially sabotaging your career or job. Are you deliberately trying to ruin your life? People get fired for what you are doing, duh... they also get divorced. If you are trying to end up alone and unemployed, keep going; otherwise, utilize your EAP or provider referral list and get your ass to some therapy. There are obvious reasons that you are unfulfilled in your marriage or simply capable of lying to yourself to get what you want or need immediately. Either way, the reasons behind it aren't pretty and you'd better get a grip on them sooner than later.. I mean you're 41 and asking for some clarity on why cheating is wrong... Grow the "f" up and check yourself... or you'll be 51 wondering why you are all alone.

[StephanieRand]

NyerinRoch... your advice is stupid. Know what else can improve a marriage? Alchohol... lots of it... consumed in the presence of the spouse that makes you unhappy. You may end up an alchoholic... but you could also end up liking the person you are with enough to put your feelings out there in a drunken confessional and make sloppy drunk love.... provided you're not so drunk you call out someone else's name. You're partner is lucky to have you... if you have one.

[Diana]

You are going to end up falling for your co-worker. Even if you don't have feelings for him now, you will fall for him later on if you have sex with him. I think this is going to ruin your marriage. If your husband finds out, he will be devastated.

Not a good idea.

[Erin]

Moxie, you say it is not appropriate for you to give advice on this one well your advice was excellent. Theresa if you really think that having an affair will spice up your marriage than do what someone above suggested and tell your husband you want him to have an affair with a hot co-worker and then after you really see how it spices up your marriage than you go ahead and consummate your desires with your co-worker. Please make sure you allow your husband to screw up your lives first if you think it is such a great idea. If your husband is a great guy more than likely he will run for his life and find a woman who appreciates and loves him and finds him spicy enough without cheating on him.

As others above have suggested there are lots of ways to keep your love life hot in a committed relationship or marriage. First of all making your husband or wife feel like they are the greatest goes a long way to keeping a marriage happy. It doesn't mean you don't notice "Hot People" you come in contact with or who cross your path but you don't engage in behavior that you would not want your spouse to find out about. I don't think innocent flirting hurts a relationship but when you get to emailing and texting messages of that nature to someone other than your spouse you have crossed a line. People all know when they are crossing the line.

One of the hottest things of all is knowing that this one person has your back and you can count on them 100% no matter what in any situation. They choose you and you choose them and together you laugh at the world and make your own private world the best place to be. Most people live their whole lives wondering if they will ever have that with a person and for those of us who do we would never risk losing it.

Theresa you really need to grow up.

[Kay]

This is most certainly cheating but I agree with NyerinRoch's advice. I have been in this situation and took the high road i.e. talked openly with my then-wife. We decided (together) to go to couples therapy and uncover issues, which we did. Fact remains that some issues are not fixable and are best left uncovered. Besides, no amount of therapy can satiate the drive to have sex, sometimes with another partner. Again, unfortunate but true.

A bitter reality of our times is that cheating DOES spice up married life. However like NyerinRoch said, certain rules must be followed.

[Cher]

Why are you confused Theresa? This is nothing new. The same scenario has happened many times through out history and it never ends well. (and yes, it will end one way or another...) You'll either get caught and deeply upset everyone around you (it'll literally feel like your world is imploding) or the man from work will find another skirt to chase. (leaving you high and dry) He doesn't even owe you an explanation or an apology b/c he knows that you shouldn't have been flirting with him anyway. For all intents and purposes, he was "doing the right thing" for breaking things off with you anyway. Now, ask yourself, why would you want to be involved in either scenario for any reason. Pick your unwilling ass up and drag yourself away from the situation. (pray that the words at work are not spread too loudly and vividly already...you know how people just love to talk...) Don't tell anyone anything anymore!!! Do not confess to your husband out of guilt. (that's very unfair to him!) Do not explain things to the man from work. (you owe him nothing...any evidence of acknowledgment can be used against you) Just drop him cold. Get complete amnesia about this while situation. Even if he comes up and ask you things like "How are you?" pretend that he is literally asking about work or your family. (do not acknowledge anything ever happened between you....let him think that he hallucinated this whole thing by himself) If he ask you, "How come you never ask me how I am anymore?" Just act like he's crazy and say, "I don't know what you mean. Excuse me." and walk away. He'll get the message. Don't explain. No more contacts. There's no need. Block him from your phone. Do not text back. If he dares to say that you're sexy in person, tell him you are there to work, not to look good for him. You need to work on things with your husband. Have a deep convo. Go on vacation. See a counselor. Your marriage is what you committed yourself to. Work on it!!! Once it gets back on track, you'll be so thankful that you step away from the situation at work and never look back. You'll be really glad that you got amnesia. Good luck.

[laughoutloud]

Nyerroch and Kay's Secret Recipe for Spicing Up Your Marriage:
1. Cheat with someone else
2. Hide and Lie about it
3. Therapy is unnecesary, b/c it would it uncover lies, which would be bad.

All of above with the affair being " polite, discreet and nonconfrontational" would certainly "IMPROVE" your marriage.

[Kay]

Laugoutloud: no one wants to be making such choices but given Theresa's situation, yes this is my advice to her. Understand that therapy does not fix all problems.

Let me add that I like Cher's advice above as well. Either way Theresa needs to compartmentalize her life, which means there's work to be done.

[trouble]

If it is so bad that it can't be fixed by working on it openly and honestly, what is the point in staying, exactly?

Do you know what really pisses me off about cheaters? They believe that they are entitled to do whatever they want to do, because they deserve to be happy, without considering that their partner is entitled to HONESTY. If you are so unhappy that you are considering cheating, you don't think your partner is entitled to that information so that they can make their own decisions and protect themselves?

Fucking narcissistic jerks. It isn't just about you. What part of that do you not get?

[onyx]

The problem is that all you've got is a lot of "What if"s, and those can go the other way too. What if you can't separate the emotions? What if being with someone else makes you want your husband less? What if your husband finds out? What if it makes you tempted to run off with this co-worker? What if other people find out and talk about it?

It's not just about the sex, though that's the only thing on your mind. And be honest that the only thing you're interested in is what you gain - by saying the sex is better with your husband you make it seem like you're interested in his welfare, when really you're licking your lips at the thought of more good sex for you - from both your husband and the co-worker (assuming it would be good with him...) You're completely selfish and that's the main problem here.

But I guess there are a lot of people who go into marriages thinking only of how it benefits them, they aren't interested in sharing and thinking of someone else.

Having an affair with someone is not wrong because it potentially gets you more excited thus giving you more motivation when you're with your husband. It's wrong for other reasons, which you already know which is why you're trying to find some flimsy sex-based reason to justify the cheating you want to do. You actually don't have to be so confused because there are ways of putting spice back that do not involve cheating. If cheating is the only thing you can think of, that suggests that you're pretty happy to acknowledge your complete lack of imagination as well as your laziness. I'd be pretty embarrassed about that alone, let alone being a liar.

[Marty Murray]

Sounds pretty skethcy.