Oh No She Didn't!

Name: misty  | Location: Ny,ny , ny |Question: Ok. here is the question and a little backround before I get to my point.. With my Boyfriend 4 months. Our first date, we went to Fridays to grab drinks and a bite. It just so happened that my "somewhat" girlfriend was also there with "one" of the men she happened to be dating at that time.. (She is the crash and burn type, very dramatic and loves drama with men, she has and had some major personal issues that I won't get into)but this is also the reason which she is my "somewhat friend".. I also should tell you I work with her and she helped me find the place I live at now because she lives in my complex. Ok, to my point.. my boyfriend really only met her 1 time and one other time when she stopped by to give me a movie to watch. I don't engage hanging out with her but only a few times before I was wise to her ways. I also don't talk about her to my BF like she is one my "my girls".  When I do talk with her I try to keep conversations to a minimum and try not to get into my business without sounding rude. She gives me anxiety and never really listens to what I'm saying anyway.  My BF kinda knows she's a little trampy although I never really got into talking about her much because frankly she isn't worth using up any time I spend with my BF. Well the other day, she calls me up to tell me she friend requested him and also asked me if I know any of the girls he has on his page. I'm like "no" " I don't really ask him details because I trust him"..  but I did sarcastically said to her (i am often sarcastic with her because that is how i can deal at times) "Oh so now that you friended him, he can look at all your big fake tittie pics in your glamour bitch photos? " She kinda chuckled but I think she really was only looking for my reaction but I didn't feed into any of it and acted like it didn't bother me.. Truth is, it did. She doesn't know him and I didn't know at that moment if I shoulda set the boundary with her or just wait to see if there is any "wall to wall" communication.. because she is one of those types as well if ya know what I mean and is also chummy with one of her other friends fiance which I guess makes her think she has the right to be that way with mine. I also didn't really know if I should say anything to my BF like by letting him know how I really feel about her then again I don't want things to come out wrong and sound insecure like she gets to me.. He probably thinks she is a good friend since she lives and works with me so I don't want to get into sounding insecure since after I know he's seen the pics she has of herself on her page. My question is, do I say anything to her or just leave it alone and see if she tries to get chummy with him.. I don't know.. She is a total cum dum fake tittie insecure desperate for attention girl (sorry had to get that out) but my concerns aren't about jealousy (i know i'll be bashed for that one)it's about respecting another women's territory and knowing your place.. It's one thing if she was friendly with us but she doesn't have it like that with me and frankly I never really want to because I can't stand having conversations with her. Something about her just doesn't sit right with me.  Your thoughts? |Age: 32

but I did sarcastically said to her (i am often sarcastic with her because that is how i can deal at times) "Oh so now that you friended him, he can look at all your big fake tittie pics in your glamour bitch photos? "

Now..tell me how saying this to her was NOT feeding in to her? And tell me again why you're even friendly with her and expend even the slightest amount of time or energy on her? I mean, other than you're a raging drama queen yourself?

it's about respecting another women's territory and knowing your place

Her...place? Your..territory? You might want to rethink how you view and approach relationships and men in general with that kind of thinking. He's not yours. He's not a piece of property. You don't own him. He's an adult and so is she. Clearly, she thinks you're a joke. Which is why she's not respecting the boundaries of the situation. Listen to yourself. You're a grown woman in her thirties and you're acting like a god damn teenager with you're snippy little bitchy comments. Face it..you're threatened by her. You do not feel 100% secure in your relationship and that's why what this girl says and does gets under your skin. You don't even have enough confidence in your boyfriend to give him enough credit to be able to spot a trouble maker. See, men see that shit and they run the other way. They refuse to encourage any woman who exhibits this kind of behavior. Women, on the other hand, we're drawn to this shit like moths to a flame.Why? Because we recognize aspects of our own past or present personality in them. Aspects we either like...or are ashamed of.

Something about this woman makes you question yourself. There's something about the freedom she has to be exactly who she is, even if who that is is a box of crazy, bothers you. Maybe it's her boobs or her exhibitionist side or how overtly sexual she is or how free she feels to go after what she wants. Whatever it is, it bugs you and therefore SHE bugs you.

I say allllll the time what annoying bags of crazy Blaire Allison and Kelly Kreth are. Yet I'm still completely fascinated by the things they do. Now, does that make sense? No, of course not. Something about women like them gets under my skin. That's what leads me to obsessively snark on them. If I truly felt they were irrelevant, I wouldn't do that. I say all the time how I hate drama, but come on. I think it's clear I'm a big drama queen myself. Almost every woman I know who says she hates drama secrtely loves it. We love either creating it or watching it or both. Same goes for you and your frenemy. There's something about this woman that pushes your buttons. Figure out what those buttons are then work on them. Or at the very least acknowledge them so you can gain a better understanding of yourself.

One other thing. Crazy girls usually only have other crazy girls as friends. Just sayin'.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[B]

Wow...this woman is 32? Scary, and yes, I'd run like mad. Brilliant answer, Moxie. And thanks for recognizing that a man is no more a territory than a woman is a possession. Well done.

[Geena]

yeah... scary is right. And, crazy girls DO have crazy friends. Every crazy friend that I've had (an subsequently lost) has had some story about "oh, I can't have female friends cause they're all assholes blah blah.) Yet, it's clear that they are just the crazy ones. In any case, I don't see WHY it's such a big deal to say "hey, your behavior is making me a bit uncomfortable. Can we talk about this and maybe, can you please just back off a little from my guy?" It's called "being and adult." Why is it so hard to just be assertive these days? Passive aggressive shit is really crap you do when you're a teenager and scared of confrontation. Grow UP!

[cricri]

Well Moxie, this time you really didn't provide the OP with any valuable advice, more about your own bagage. Your obsession, as you call it, with KK and BA have nothing in common with the OP situation here. KK and BA don't go around FB friending your former or actual bf and then call you and discuss about it. You're the one to go after them and one could question why, I won't.

That woman has no respect for herself and for others clearly. I would put that in the same category as chewing with an open mouth and farting in bed. You just don't do that. The OP has a good understanding that that woman is trouble and is looking for some. What she has to do now is talk to her boyfriend about it, absolutely not to the girl ( that would make her too happy). Tell him that you saw that she friended him and ask him if he went on the page, then tell him about all her "fun girl" qualities ( code for slutty/alcoholic/insecure/psycho).
You can borrow these lines, they have served me well in the past:
" Katie, she's a lot of fun, the problem is she doesn't know when to stop. I can see all the great qualities she has but her insecurities prevent her from showing them to men, she relies too much on her physique and guys don't respect her for that. That is so sad. I tried talking to her but she won't listen and keeps on hooking up with these random guys. I gave up! but it doesn't matter now, I have more things to focus my energy on these days"

Objectives:
1- Paint a clear portrait of the "friend"
2- Show how magnanimous you are and what a good friend you tried to be.

Ignore the woman and her attacks, even though you guys work toguether and that might be difficult, and focus on bonding with your bf, 4 months is very new and it is still fragile. You don't want some plastic psycho to ruin that just because she feels insecure and wants to see if she can get your BF or not, short is a player.

[Moxie]

Well Moxie, this time you really didn't provide the OP with any valuable advice, more about your own bagage.

I didn't? Why? Because I didn't encourage her to roll around in the mud with this girl? Because I didn't automatically side with her because it was glaringly obvious that she was threatened by this woman and, rather than be accountable for her own insecurity, she chose to do what so many women like her do and project all that shit on to someone else? I wrote ONE SENTENCE about me. ONE. Yet, that's the only one you focused on. Could that be that you and the OP are two peas in a pod with how you think?

The problem here isn't this other woman. It's the OP's own twisted view of herself and her relationship.

[juli]

If her guy wants to screw that girl he will. End of story. If you want to chase a guy all day every day trying to keep him from doing wrong, you will drain yourself, cause conflict in your relationship, and eventually he will do it anyway. ** I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE ** (if he is that kindof guy). I say just keep your eyes open, wait and watch.

[Geena]

Yeah, bad idea to mention it to the guy. It will only make her look insecure and pathetic. That's just how it is.

[cricri]

Could that be that you and the OP are two peas in a pod with how you think?

Of course since I reacted to her situation, understood and felt compassion for her. I was pointing the fact that your answer was tainted on the whole by your own personal experience that was very much different from hers and therefore making your whole advice not very useful. All I heard in the post was that "crazy attracts crazy, she's therefore crazy for having some kind of work/friends relationship with her, and that the whole situation was basically her fault ( since she's the one who is the link between bf and gf) and that she has to deal with it." Clearly, she doesn't know how to do it and she's turning to you.

I have been in that situation before also and I strongly disagree that it speaks more about the OP and her insecurities than about her friend. Unless your a master of Zen, what other people do affects you and it does even more so when they target you specifically, which is the case here. I would have agreed with you if it was about a 10 year old relationship, when everything is solid and the fears and insecurities of the OP could pass for juvenile. But it is still fresh at 4 months and we can respect and understand her protective attitude regarding that relationship and not make her a basket case like your post did. I have yet to meet anybody who does not feel insecurities once in a while, especially in stressful and competitive situations.
Anyway, it doesn't matter if she works on her insecurities or not because, as Juli said, if he is a cheater, he will cheat. So there you go, back to zero.

[Miranda]

"Oh so now that you friended him, he can look at all your big fake tittie pics in your glamour bitch photos? " - geez this woman is a completely insecure beeotch. Why are flat-chested women such haters?

[ShyGal]

"That woman has no respect for herself and for others clearly. I would put that in the same category as chewing with an open mouth and farting in bed."

What's so wrong about farting in bed? I think farting in general is somewhat rude, but why is bed in particular such a rude place to do it? You do realize that if you need to and you don't, once you fall asleep you will just do it anyway... Just sayin'...
---
If the guy is really worth keeping/the relationship is really going anywhere, the guy won't be interested in this other crazy girl. Sure he may friend her to be polite, but if he is really a worthwhile guy, he will clearly continue paying attention to you and not her. Either way, there is really no point in bringing it up with the guy, but if you really wanted to you might say "That was kind of weird how so-and-so friended you, given that I am barely her friend and she has never met you"

[jh]

cricri is right. it seems like apples and oranges when you try to compare your relentless attacks on kk and ba. they aren't trying to friend your dates like this woman's frenemy is. they aren't commenting on your life or getting involved in it.

[Moxie]

Kelly, shouldn't you be wondering what you're gonna do with that 1.5 million you're trying to get from John?

[Ali]

I was going to comment on the farting in bed scenario but shygal beat me to it....

[Jay]

I am wondering why they are still somewhat friends? Although, no one is property; people need to be true to themselves. You should be able to express that you have a problem with someone being a cyber friend. With that being said, are you ready to change the relationship with the somewhat friend?

[OP- Misty]

Hey Thanks, cricri and shy gal.. I'm glad someone gets it.. WOW moxie.. thanks Little harsh, but I'll take that you really don't know me into consideration. What shy gal said is exactly what I did. I talked to my BF about my postion on how I felt about what she did, (it not exactly being the most appropriate presentation if she was trying to be his friend and basically a little about her) and it's over.. no biggy... I also did speak to her about it in the adult way the next day because I wanted her to know what I thought about her actions.. You see I believe it matters to let someone know how you feel or think even if they are or are not your friends. Everyone I think only has this idead to ignore the stupid people and yes in most cases that's best, but it's also best to not become so used to that that you never speak your feelings on things. In my case, I have to work with this girl otherwise if she was just some reandom nobody I would never see again I wouldn't care. It's about me and my feelings, NOT hers's. I had feel entitled to stand up for myself which is what I did. May not the best by the snippy comment I made I admit. Mostly done out of nervousness. I don't care to encourage her behavior which is why I gave it some thought and said what I wanted to say the next day.. It was just at the moment when she told me what she did, I didn't quite know what to say and the comment I made was done moreso so she would think it was a sarcastic joke until I can gather what I really wanted to tell her. Not the best approach,again, I ADMIT. I came to Moxie to see what she would have done in the moment, given I would expect her to understand that we can't always predict what will happen at all times in our lives.. IT JUST HAPPENS. Even if we do all the right things and only surrond ourselves with postive great people.. There is always that "ONE" pest.. Look, I work with this girl..and when I said somewhat friends, doesn't mean FRIENDS but I guess it's a matter of perspective on how we all see the words written. I don't think the majority of opinioner's really read the post just more excited to look for the snippy comments I made at her to pass judgement on me, but that's ok.. I guess I asked for it.. No worries.. It's all good.. I said what I had to say and know I have to work on some things.. but I'm not ashamed of any insecurity I have like some opinionater's might be that post on here which is maybe the reason why they have to attack others that are.. xoxoxo

[Moxie]

I also did speak to her about it in the adult way the next day because I wanted her to know what I thought about her actions..

Too bad she couldn't care less about you or your opinions. All she heard when you went to her was "Aha...SHE'S THREATENED." That's what crazy chicks like her think. They immediately assume, if someone reacts to their bullshit, that that person is threatened or jealous. They aren't capable of assuming or considering it could be anything else. So, basically, you fed in to her need for attention. Which means that as long as there is a source of fuel for that need, she'll keep drawing from it. You solved nothing. You merely immersed yourself in the drama. Especially by even bringing it up to your boyfriend. Now you've planted a seed in his head about her..and about you.

Everyone I think only has this idead to ignore the stupid people and yes in most cases that's best, but it's also best to not become so used to that that you never speak your feelings on things.
Yes, I'm so sure that you're someone with all kinds of emotions just bottled up.Who's using you? The person you allow in your life? The person you willingly choose to engage and talk to and take phone calls from? Don't play the victim. Because you're not. You engage this woman whenever you can. That's your responsibility. Not hers.

I don't care to encourage her behavior which is why I gave it some thought and said what I wanted to say the next day..

Except, you did encourage her behavior - you took her call, you spoke to her, you had a second conversation. That sounds like encouragement to me.

The point of my response, which the likes of you and Cricri and "JH" (Kelly) didn't get, was that until you figure out and deal with why you have or allow people like this in your life, you'll continue to have to deal with them. You're not above the drama. And you're no victim. You created a situation for yourself by engaging her in the first place.

[Catscratch]

HAHAHA Moxie thank you for finally calling out "jh" aka Kelly Kreth or whatever name she is going by these days. When I read your post last week about the court case I kept thinking jh was a little too defensive of this kook and up on the details to just be a casual poster and I have never seen her post anything before. jh is also the one who claimed you are "obsessed" with Kelly Kreth. Why complain about it Kelly/jh? Isn't attention your goal? Isn't Moxie keeping the dream alive?

Ugh and as far as "Misty" goes.. I guess this woman's place is helping you get a job, a place to live, and then putting up with whatever bitchy backhanded comments you make to her? You hate this woman cause you see things in her you hate in yourself- insecurity with men, shit-stirring, gameplaying whatever. If you trust your BF as you say you do, why concern yourself with the fake titty chick?

And let me tell you one more thing - you live in HER complex, she found you the place to live and if she drives you so insane move on...unless you enjoy the drama and awkwardness of seeing this chick on the reg.

[badmash007]

Moxie is right on this one. OP and her opponent are the kind of women, us guys run away from. Why? We want less drama not more.

When I was reading this poorly written post by the OP, I was expecting her age to be in teens or atmost early 20s. If she makes it to her 30s, at this point, she is a lost cause.

Too much trouble, not worth it. The OP and her opponent deserve each other. :) They both feed on this drama.

[Amie]

Well said Geena and sorry to disagree, but even though a man is not your property, so to speak, there is a breech of respect here on her part. If I were you I would definitely confront her and set her straight that he is not her friend or buddy, but your boyfriend. I don't think I would speak with the boyfriend because he probably only befriended her so as not to appear rude and maybe he thought the friendship between the two of you was stronger. Even so, people need their own friends and I don't get the whole FB and myspace world where people feel that because they remotely know someone through someone else, they must add that person to their friend list to see it grow. That is what's dumb about this whole email and I wouldn't let her get away with it, big tittie pics or not. I would talk to her as an adult without getting nasty or sarcastic and just be truthful and see how that goes. If she gets an attitude or refuses to take him off her friend list, then I would remove her from yours and at that point talk to your bf about her and what you feel her intentions are whether it be to get him to notice her or break the two of you up. In the future, I would reexamine your friendships and if you aren't getting anything out of them but aggravation, start dropping people. I had to do this recently and thought it would be hard, but to tell the truth I feel so much relief and just wonder why I let people stay in my life as long as I did that were just bringing me down. Isn't it better to have a few good friends or none, than phoney malicious ones? Think about it and good luck with everything.

[onyx]

The thing is Misty your comment wasn't sarcastic (I don't see any irony in the "joke"), it was vitriolic, which is a big flashing sign indicating that you're insecure around this woman.

Amie said that there is a breach of respect here. Well, obviously. This woman doesn't care about that. So you're not going to suddenly teach her a lesson by saying "This is a breach of respect!" She knows that Misty doesn't like her and is threatened by her.

The only thing you can really work on is your relationship and understanding what kind of man your guy is. That will determine whether he does something with her, not her "disrespectful, non-territory-acknowledging" behaviour. You don't have much faith in either his intelligence to come to his own conclusions about people or his respect for you. That is the real problem.

You fed the drama. Your hyperreactiveness let her know that this is a good avenue to keep going down to make you unhappy and crazy, and it was way too soon to ring the alarm bells with your boyfriend when he didn't even do anything approaching wrong. Way way too early to be threatened, unless you have other fears about her and your boyfriend based on previous interactions.

[girly]

why be her friend??? seriously... if you felt something about her is off, why be her friend. your are grown.. just distance yourself from her... well she is already "friends with your bf, on facebook... there's nothing you can do about that.. just stay away from her... keep her at a close distance... say hello, when you see her, but if she wants to hang out..say you are busy... if she rings your door, don't answer the door, don't let her in....
tell your bf , how you feel, just don't tell him too much of how u feel.. ask him what he thinks of her pics on facebook..
i know these type of girls.. don't tell all your business to her.. keep a distance

[CentsInTheCity]

I think most women have had those crazy friends over the years, however, I find as I get older the only relationships I've maintained are with the quality people in my life. Part of it is when growing up, you're stuck with a certain group of people. In my case I spent the first 18 years of my life in the same town. Most of my time was spent at school, so my friends were mostly made up of people I went to school with. As you get older your social net grows and you meet more and more people that are attuned to your attitude and interests. You decide where you want to live, where you work, and who will be your friends. At that point it's more of a birds of a feather type situation. People you choose to be friends with are in some way a reflection of yourself...that might be something to think about.

I don't have time for drama and pettiness these days, nor do I want to act like I'm still in high school. I may occasionally hear from the crazies, but they are no longer in my close circle of friends. They certainly don't know anything about my dating life, let alone meet the guys I'm seeing.