She's Looking For a Plan B, Not a Partner

How do you know when you are in love?  he says he loves me.  At times , I
feel like I love him.  At other times, I'm not sure. I love him but not is
baggage.

I have been in a long distance relationship for the past two years.  It's
been a soap opera.  Here are the details.

He and I are both 55 years old.  I am single; never have been married; and
no kids.  He is divorced as of Feb. 2009, with 3 minor kids an seven adult
kids.  The minor kids are ages 13, 10 and 8. 

He and I met in grade school.  I went to college with his ex wife.  He
wanted to date me in college, but I was dating someone else at the time.
His ex didn't want him to date me at the time.

After college,we all lost touch.  Then about two years ago, a mutual friend
got us in touch again.  His ex contacted me by phone.  I started
communicating with them both by phone and email.  Then I started
communicating with him alone by e-mail.  Gradually, I learned that their
marriage was in trouble

He claims that she had an affair in 1996.  After that, they didn't love
each other, but stayed together for the sake of the kids.   In fact, they had
another child, hoping this would solve the problem.  It didn't.  However,
not only did they have one child, they had two more.  How can you have three
kids and not love each other? 

Finally, I met him in person in Oct. 2008.  Physically, he was not what I
expected.  He is not the body type I would be looking for.  But he has a
great mind, so I can overlook the body type. 

We spent five days together. .  At this point he wanted to stay.  I told him
no.  I wasn't ready for it.  After all, he was still married.  I am
cautious, not the type to rush into things.  He was upset. We almost broke
it off. 

We are both blind.  Both receive Social Security Disability.  The ex is
blind as well.  She and the kids receive social security as well.  He is
unemployed.  He does free lance and contract work with computers, but it is
not steady income.  I am self employed, but my business is marginal.  There
are financial concerns here. 

Here is another issue.  They owned a house in Alaska.  They sold the house.
He promised me that when the house sold, he would get half the proceeds.  We
could use this as a start for us. 

The ex relocated to Az.  She was unable to find a decent house in a decent
neighborhood for the kids.  He gave her his share of the Alaska house so she
and the kids could be in a safe neighborhood.  I resent this and feel
cheated.  She bought a brand new house in a brand new , affluent community.
The house is big, with spare rooms which she can rent out for extra income.
They paid cash, no mortgage.  Even though they are divorced on paper, he is
still living in the house because he can't afford to go elsewhere.

He wants to come to Chicago and move in with me.  I have a studio and there
is not much space.   Though I want to try it, it would be a big adjustment
for me.  On the one hand, I want the companionship.  On the other hand,  I
am not sure, I can live with someone in such close quarters. 

I told him, that if he comes, he has to contribute to the rent and expenses.
He says he will, but after the Alaska house issue, I am not sure that he
will. 

Here is another issue.  The ex has multiple sclerosis.  She was awarded
custody of the kids before this diagnosis.  If her illness gets too bad, she
will not be able to care for the kids.  He is capable of caring for the
kids.  I am not sure that I am.  At age 55, I just wan to coast along.  I
don't want to spend the next ten years, raising someone else's kids.  I have
not met the kids.  I don't know how they will react to me. 

He recently got a job in AZ. It is a sales job, not in his field.  It is
just to make ends meet and pay bills.  I told him that he should try to save
a portion of his pay for us.  I don't know if he will do it though. 

According to him, the divorce decree does not require child support
payments.  Even if he gets a good job, I am certain that some of his pay
will go to the ex and the kids.  I am not sure I will like this.  How much
should go to the ex and kids? 

So to summarize, here are the pros and cons as I see them:

Pro
He is very smart.  He has been a lot of places and done a lot of things. I
could learn a lot from him.
Though they were both blind, he and the ex had 10 children, home birth them
all; home schooled them all.  They took care of the ex's elderly mother with
dementia.
He is an extrovert.  I am an introvert.  He would be good for me.  He would
give me motivation and confidence. He meets people and makes friends easily.
He knows how to make connections.  He knows how to barter for things he
wants. 
He has potential.

The cons
He does not have a job and is broke. 
He does not have a college education.
The ex and kids will always be in the picture.  They will always need some
kind of help, financial and otherwise.
I feel it is a divorce in name but not in fact.
The ex does not know how to manage on her own.
Adult kids are against our relationship.
Adult kids ask for financial help as well.
I don't want to share him.  I want him to myself.
Sex is more important  for him than it is for me.

Please advise.  Thanks.

I have to say that I'm stunned at how entitled you feel. I had to do a tremendous amount of editing of your letter to correct misspellings, yet you come down on him for not having a college education. With all due respect, you don't exactly come off sounding like an intellect in your letter. You sound unbelievably limited in your thinking and expectations. You're 55 years old living in a studio apartment with your own financial constraints and potential instability. Do you not understand how totally hypocritical you're being?

You're coming down on this man for wanting to do right by his children. He and his ex devoted their lives to home schooling their children and caring for an elderly parent. And you, 55 and single and living in a studio apartment with your marginal business, are going to say something as ludicrous as "His body type isn't really what I like?" Honey...you both are almost 60! What do you expect him to look like after raising 10 kids and caring for an ailing woman? That doesn't leave a ton of time for the treadmill or aerobics.

Do you really want a partner? Or are you just interested in having someone to take care of you? Because that's what this sounds like to me. You know what? You may very well have to take care of yourself. It's a scary thought, I know, because I've been contemplating that myself and trying to come up with my Plan B. There comes a point where we all have to consider that possibility.

You will never have this man all to yourself. Ever. So if you can not deal with that then get out now. He is trying to be right by his children. See, that's a good thing.I think you need to figure out how to live without him before you can ever consider living with him. It's not fair for you to place so much obligation and expectation on this man when you don't bring it to the table yourself.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Comments

[trouble]

Wow. Just...wow. This doesn't sound like a good situation for either. First of all, this man is in his 50s with elementary aged kids. That's a huge commitment, particularly when his ex has health issues. He is going to need to be focused on these kids for years, and frankly, they are more important than the OP.

The OP needs to find someone who doesn't have these obligations, and this man needs someone who is going to be more understanding of his issues and family concerns.

[Kaybee]

I agree with Moxie on this one. Also I think this lady has already answered her own question. She's not in this for "love". Both appear to want and have different expectations, so end things and move forward. And by the way...never expect a man to give you confidence...you need to love yourself first before expecting someone else too. I agree with Moxie about being able to provide the same standards you yourself look for in a man. If you are looking for a financially stable, physically fit, active intelligent man, make sure you can offer the same too. Sounds like this is one big circus. You'll always be #2 or actually #11 after his ex-wife and several kids concerns are met first. You want to be put first? Well this situation won't give you that. You answered your own question. Best of luck.

[cricri]

These two are just a bad match. The OP visibly has no idea what it is to build a house and what it demands therefore she cannot understand the devotion it requires form parents and the bond that will remain between him and his ex wife.
Anyway, the irony is not lost on her, since she's 55, blind and VERY CAREFUL about his physique. Seriously!?

[michelle]

Mox, when I read your response to the OP's letter, I laughed out loud. The stark fact that she is 55 years old, living in a studio apartment and struggling financially herself is sobering. The OP's letter is a great example of how people put themselves in the position to be lonely for life because of their warped vision of themselves.

Plan B can be a hard pill to swallow, but the sooner a person moves to make a Plan B, the better. I am in my early 40's and recently completed my MBA. I did this because I know darn well that I may very well end up having to take care of myself by myself.

[Quirky]

The OP selfish and unrealistic. If the guy had only ONE kid, she wouldn't have him to herself, much less TEN kids.