Do We Take Infidelity Too Personally?

I originally posted this on the private blog last week, but wanted to expand on it a bit.

I was reading Star or Us or one of those magazines while in the supermarket checkout line today. Allegedly, Josh Duhamel cheated on his wife of 10 months Fergie. As startling as this sounds...I'm really starting to wonder if cheating and infidelity is the norm. More startling was my reaction to this story. As I stood there reading the article, I found myself thinking, "Well..duh. Of course he cheated."

I think people would be shocked to know how many men and women cheat on them in various ways. The emotional cheating, the physical cheating. With both Roger Sterling and Ripley, I began to see how easy it is for people to seek attention elsewhere. Like I said the other day, men have their own personal line in the sand as to what they consider cheating. Flirty emails probably don't even register on their radar. And when you have such a low threshold for what is inappropriate, it's easy to cross that line. Which makes me think it's far more common than we think.

Here's where men have it over on us ladies...they can compartmentalize so much better. Mainly because they have to. Multi-tasking isn't their thing. So they have to have a place for every relationship or component of their life. They have to ensure that certain worlds don't collide simply because they can't focus on more than one or two things at a time.

We always assume that there must be something wrong with a relationship if one partner cheats. I think we cheat because we can and because we're imperfect. (Although I think most cases of infidelity are a result in the breakdown of the bond between the two people.) I think it's easy to forget your partner when you're away from them, say during work. Having that time away from your mate allows you to forget the relationship exists. Maybe this speaks to how detached the person is. I'm not sure. Or maybe some people just aren't capable of monogamy. I think a lot of people - men and women - fall in to this category. More than anything, I think people cheat because we just get bored, need variety and can't just shut off emotions and hormones. I know. We're supposed to be able to do that. That's one of those things that separates us from other animals/species. I just think with all these differing definitions of cheating and commitment and marriage, and the growing popularity for open relationships, that it's hard to know what lines are being crossed.

Since we all know that nobody is perfect and that things happen a...do we set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect monogamy? Are we really capable of being emotionally and or physically intimate with just one person? 

Obviously, it's not a good thing if your mate falls in love with someone else. But, as I said in response to a Tweet today, you can never really "steal" someone else's lover/partner. They would have left eventually.

If we know in our hearts that our mate would choose us if given an ultimatum, and we know that they gives us the best of what they've got and that we are the ones they come home to...does it really matter that they sought physical gratification somewhere else? Isn't it enough that someone pledges - in what ever manner they choose - to love, honor, defend, protect, support, etc  you and only you? Does having sex with someone else mean they do not honor us or our love?

Do we take infidelity too personally? Do we make it out to be worse than it really is?

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Comments

[DeeZeeGirl]

I am sorry but I do not think that cheating should become an accepted norm. There is no good reason to cheat on someone you love and care about. If you don't feel that for them anymore then you should leave the relationship instead of causing them pain because you will get caught. Respect them enough to be honest with them.

[Bill]

Cheating shows how little you care for the other person. Period.

[mzbadd2003]

It seems so common place.

[cricri]

If infidelity is not personal then what is?
You make a personal choice to merge your life with someone else's, no one is forcing you. So it is certain that disrespecting your partner by cheating is a personal insult. What is says is 1) your love, sex, friendship, etc... is clearly not enough; 2) I don't have the respect/friendship/courage to let you know and save ourselves the (excess)hurt; 3) You're so stupid, I can cheat and you can't even see it.
This is why Marriage is a commitment, not a death sentence; if you see it as "the end", then you're more bound to go into panic mode, but if you try at all times to be your best then, even if it doesn't work, you fulfilled your commitment to "love, cherish and honor". You both can leave without too much bruises on your ego, self-esteem and spirit.
The topic of monogamy is not a problematic one. We read here all the times the diverse and creative reasons why Monogamy is not a natural behavior for humans, bla bla bla. We all know that is crocs, most of our life is happening in an unnatural setting so why single out that "very natural" aspect of our lives and disregard the others? OTOH, feelings and manners are also natural, we created them ourselves out of our need to discipline ourselves, it's not something that was imposed on us by an external force. It is therefore natural for us to embrace monogamy. Urges will not be suppressed, just not as satisfied as they would be without our commitment. Unless you're a diagnosed sex addict/nymphomaniac, there is no justification, for straying and lying to your partner.
If people can absolve themselves with biology, can they do the same with honesty? It one thing to say "my genes made me do it" but another to say" my lack of honesty made me lie to you" !
One last thing, Monogamy is a patriarchal concept ie created essentially by Men to make sure the kids from their union are indeed theirs and that women are not going around shaging whoever they fancied. Clearly at those times, Infidelity was a personal issue. Unfortunately, we have DNA tests now so all the fun is gone. Let's just blame science, ok?!

[DrivingMeNutes]

While I don't believe monogamy is natural, the issue is irrelevant to cheating. You can be BOTH non-monogomous AND not cheat -- it's simple: If you don't want to get married, or be in a committed relationship, then DON'T. As someone else said, no one is forcing you. So, the difficult question for me is not "why do people cheat?" but why do they commit in the first place.

[Mr. Right]

Are we really capable of being emotionally and or physically intimate with just one person? - Yes

Does having sex with someone else mean they do not honor us or our love? - Yes

Personally, I can't stand people who are married and then cheat on their significant others. Doesn't being married mean anything to them? Whatever happened to making a promise and then keeping it.

If you can't handle making that promise, don't make it in the first place.

[Erin]

Mr. Right - You said it Perfectly "If you can't handle making that promise, don't make it in the first place." Human beings like to look at others even when they are happily married and if you talk to most happily married people they will mostly tell you that there is nothing wrong with innocent flirting. We all know the difference between innocent flirting and crossing the line. Men and Women both like to look at attractive members of the opposite sex and people who have great relationships will even point out to the other "Wow". However, People who do love each other do not cheat on the other person.

There is nothing in this world more personal then "Infidelity". Period. The End. In observing others one thing I have found is that "Infidelity" usually does not break a marriage up when the marriage is more of a partnership without true passionate love. There are lots of people who marry for reasons other than true passionate committed love. People who love each other so deeply almost always do not survive infidelity. On the other hand, I truly believe people who truly love each other so deeply and passionately would not risk their marriage for anyone. The problem is that sometimes one person loves the other so passionately and the other not so much. I think it is important to openly discuss and say the words "Infidelity would never be accepted". Just as it is important to say and show the other person how much you love them it is also important to say what is never going to be acceptable.

People get this notion in their heads that only women care and men understand when someone cheats but I think there are way more men then people expect who view cheating as completely unacceptable and I was glad to see men state that on this blog. Men and Women are more alike than people realize when it comes to wanting a bond with another person that no one else can penetrate their bond. When you are lucky enough to find that one person to make that promise and commitment to you know and value what you share and know that you never want to do anything that would cause the one you love pain.

It is my absolute belief that people who cheat and view nothing wrong with cheating just happen to scream and talk the loudest about it so people think it is common place to make themselves feel better about being a cheater.

[fustrated]

Men cheat because women give them the power to cheat. I personally have had men who are married or involved in a relationship desired to cheat;however, I did not allow the cheating to begin. If all women took a stance together, I believe men would have no where to go and cheat. But women's own insecurities and issues come into play- that is another story!

[Anonymous]

I think it totally depends on the parameters set for the relationship, if they are set and then broken a person has the right to feel hurt and disappointed. If someone tells you what they need to feel comfortable, you accept and then break the trust... Well your better off admitting you need a new body every 3-4 months then being a cheating scoundrel...

That's why the initial exclusive "talk" I think is so important...

[trouble]

Fidelity is a choice that you make daily. It can be done. If you aren't capable of handling that commitment, then don't make it.

[Heidi]

If I can live in integrity & be loyal in a relationship, then there should also be other human beings that can do the same, the key is to attract that type of mate by what expectations & true subconsious beliefs that you put out there to the universe, if you excude worthiness & loyalty plus be assertive you will attract the the same. Why should we lower the bar just because many others fail due to lack of integrity & morals.
I am almost offended at the article, please don't sum up all humans in the same light, it is just not true for all of us.

[Lilly]

"If we know in our hearts that our mate would choose us if given an ultimatum, and we know that they gives us the best of what they've got and that we are the ones they come home to...does it really matter that they sought physical gratification somewhere else?"

Yes...it does. What happens in the worst case scenario that the straying partner gets an STD or gets someone else/themselves pregnant? Then your "mate" is no longer the only priority in your life, like you pledged. So yes, it certainly does matter because it goes way beyond simply fulfilling a humanistic urge. Maybe someone people are okay with simplifying it to that level, but I think most of us are not.

[David Ezell]

TWO POINTS:

FIRST: There is no such thing as "emotional cheating." If you equate having a close friend outside of your relationship with having sex outside of marriage, that makes them the same thing. They are not. Having orgasms with someone is infidelity. Having close conversations with someone is not.

SECOND: Monogamy is very hard, requiring commitment and continued attention. And there is nothing wrong with setting one’s sights high.

That set, creating very high goals means that the possibility for failure is likely, if not in the short-term, then the long. High sights means one has a long way to fall and monogamy, especially with life expectancy creeping ever closer to triple digits, is a very ambitious goal.

So when a partner cheats, it should not be too surprising. That does not mean it is right if vows of fidelity have been made. However, it is an occurance that is very common for men and women as well.

What makes a person cheat? Some people marry for the wrong reason (it’s about time, keeping parents happy, baby on the way, financial need). Sometimes one partner gets bored or feels alienated. Other times one person changes or grows and the other does not. Or, a woman or man had no business getting married in the first place. The reasons for failure are myriad and this list only addresses a few of the reasons why.

So each of us has a choice. We can either take a realistic view of this complex situation and quit being SHOCKED (and so punitive) every time a man or woman cheats on their partner. Relationships are complex organisms that grow and evolve over time.

OR we can stick our fingers in our ears and say, “la la la la la I can’t hear you la la la la la.” The fantasy of happily ever after is very sweet but it is, after all, a fantasy.

[Moxie]

FIRST: There is no such thing as "emotional cheating." If you equate having a close friend outside of your relationship with having sex outside of marriage, that makes them the same thing. They are not. Having orgasms with someone is infidelity.

Oh. So...kissing someone other than your partner isn't cheating? Revealing things about your marriage to someone you are emotionally involved with (but not sleeping with) isn't cheating? I want to say "spoken like a man" but I know even some of the men who comment here who have their own staunch opinions will disagree with you.

Intimacy isn't just physical. You have emotional intimacy with your mate. Anytime you share that level of intimacy with someone other than your mate is cheating. Sorry to break it to you that way.

[Rad]

"Revealing things about your marriage to someone you are emotionally involved with (but not sleeping with) isn't cheating?"

Given that most women seem to do just that with their female friends, I guess I don't understand how it's different if it's done with someone of the opposite sex.

[mrcrassic]

Emotional infidelity is very real, and just as hurtful as physical infidelity. How would you feel if your significant other started confiding in someone else instead of *you*? Would you feel indifferent if he or she were only there in person and not in spirit?

I think that women are more prone to "cheating" emotionally than men, and that men are more likely to just "cheat physically.

[Brad]

I like that the post started with the question:

"Do We Take Infidelity Too Personally?" and now it's being responded to by everyone taking it personally.

do we set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect monogamy?
Yes

Are we really capable of being emotionally and or physically intimate with just one person?
Maybe - apparently all the posters on your board haven't even come close.

This is why Marriage is a commitment, not a death sentence... even if it doesn't work, you fulfilled your commitment to "love, cherish and honor". You both can leave without too much bruises on your ego, self-esteem and spirit.

Circri, you & I CLEARLY know different divorced people. Even when infidelity wasn't the cause of the divorce, NONE of my friends - male or female - would say they went thru the divorce process without deep bruises to their ego, self-esteem AND spirit.

Anecdotally I can say this - when I was in high school (20 years ago) I hooked up with my friends mom. Last I heard (a year ago) they were still together.

[Tyler]

<>

Does that mean that when a woman deconstructs and discusses with her female friends the intimate details of her relationship with her boyfriend, that she's emotionally cheating on him?

By this definition, there's a LOT more cheating going on than we would get if we defined it as physical involvement.

[tina]

I think people cheat because they have too much time on their hands: with all the work and marriage going on who has the time and energy to spend on extramerital arrangements?
cheating is the ultimate waste of time and energy and getting upset over it is right next to it.

[abbs]

I think confiding in someone of the opposite sex about problems in your relationship (which the confiding part is the emotional intimacy) can lead to physical cheating. Especially if the confidante is someone in a troubled relationship themselves.

[Alex]

You first started this article off by writing how startled you were by your reaction to the US or People magazine article.
Then you finished your article as if you were defending infidelity.
These thoughts you're spreading amongst your readers are slowly contributing to this awful behavior, which should not be taken lightly. Just because celebrities are doing it all the time and these magazines are exploiting their pain doesn't mean we should let this mentality sink into our minds. Sooner or later we will begin to expect our significant others to cheat on us eventually.
Yes, cheating is becoming the norm, but only because of views like yours and your ability to spread this idea through your large reader base.
I hope the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with doesn't have the same views as yours.

[crushed]

I was a dedicated Father and Husband. I gave my ex. wife, what I thought was everything that she wanted and enjoyed. We hardly argued. We shared making meals and shopping. I did not compromise her freedom to be herself and I included her in everything I though about or wanted to do. I thought we were such a great couple.

As it turned out I caught her cheating on me. We worked things out and got back together. She cheated on me again. We got divorced. I later found out that she had been cheating on me for about 6 years with multiple partners. I just didn't understand because our sex life was really good and fun.

Our two little kids took it very hard. We lost our house due to bickering in court. I have lost 5 jobs in 2 years and now I'm so depressed that I want nothing to do with work or society. I can't see my wonderful kids. I've gone from no debt, except for the house, to bankrupsy. I'm also now on public assistance. My ex. is not much more well off than I am.

If you can't be honest with the one you're with than you're cheating on yourself too. If my ex. wife had told me 6 years ago, before a house, before two wonderful little kids came along..... and just said how she felt, then years of heartache and financial ruin could have been avoided.

Be honest and true or leave.

[amie]

Crushed your story is very sad, but I'm sure it happens more than we hear about. I think in a lot of cases, people marry someone that they are not truly in love with, which causes them to cheat later on in the marriage. This is not acceptable and shouldn't occur, but it does sadly and you can't unfortunately force someone to be honest or to tell you what's really in their heart. Most people don't want to hurt someone's feelings that they care about and at the same time, want to have a good life with all the material things and children so they end up settling and marrying the wrong person. Meanwhile the other person is truly in love and feels it's mutual and they overestimate their partner's character and integrity.
Sometimes a person's true character isn't revealed until a few years into the relationship or marriage. Scars from previous relationships or their parents divorce cause a feeling of unworthiness in them and since they are used to drama, a normal loving marriage doesn't feel natural to them. This may be why they cheat, not that it excuses it. Some people should just know themselves and not get married if they know they are damaged.

[LizM]

My husband and I discussed our expectations regarding infidelity prior to marriage. Luckily, we found that we are sincerely on the same page in terms of what we expect of each other and ourselves. Marriage vows are not for when things are easy, vows become important when things are hard...when there is temptation...or when there are issues in the marriage. Marriage is a choice. Cheating is a choice. It isn't something that just "happens".

However you and your spouse define infidelity--if you cross that line--yes, it is personal.

[Tahoe Bill]

Cheating is a symptom of our blind and dogged adherence to an outdated relationship model. Many of us make ourselves awfully unhappy trying to fit ourselves into a traditional stereotype. I think we can do better. I'm all for living with integrity, but at the same time, we are cheating ourselves out of opportunities to live and grow and experience life by putting ourselves in these rigid relationships.

My stats, fwiw: Married, Divorced, Never Cheated.

[LizM]

Tahoe:

Marriage isn't for everyone. Doesn't make it a stereotype. Or outdated.

Furthermore, not every marriage is the same. A marriage is whatever you decide it is as a couple. For example, some are even open, with both partners having an "understanding" when it comes to sex outside the primary relationship.

I think that people do need to be very conscious of the choices they make. To recognize what you want and can commit to is very important. Some people are not suited for a monogamous relationship within the context of a marriage. Nothing wrong with that--as long as they don't enter into (or stay) in such a relationship if they can't do it. And I think some people don't give it enough consideration before jumping in.

[Tahoe Bill]

LizM,

Good comments, & point taken. I guess what I really think is outdated is the idea that marriage is the *only* way. That you are "stuck" once you get in. We make these commitments without really having enough information. (Often over-simplified as "too young".) Not sure why it's so important that relationships be "forever".

However, I do feel strongly that people should not "cheat". I do think if you are in a relationship that is not good for you, you should re-evaluate, re-negotiate, repair or get out. But don't stay and be miserable or sneaky or dishonest. In that sense, I do think we take cheating or infidelity too personally. Yes, we make it out to be worse than it really is--in some cases it could be just a sign that it's time to move on. But if I really cared about someone and wanted them in my life, I would not force them away just because they wanted sex with someone else.

[anonymous]

Monogamy is absolutely possible and should be expected. No were not setting ourselves up for disappointed unless you already know your mate cannot be faithful. Some people cannot be faithful and should never marry. It is very rude and disrespectful to cheat and shows a lack of feeling toward your spouse.

[mrcrassic]

@brad: responding to: "Are we really capable of being emotionally and or physically intimate with just one person?
Maybe - apparently all the posters on your board haven't even come close. "

Well, of course that can't be true on this board. This ain't marriage-forums.com! :)

[nik]

this is sad. cheating maybe common but it is not acceptable. if the person got physical gratification elsewhere and picked up a nasty lil std and brought it home to his wife/girlfriend it does matter and it is personal!

[Crotch Rocket]

"Allegedly, Josh Duhamel cheated on his wife of 10 months Fergie. ... As I stood there reading the article, I found myself thinking, 'Well..duh. Of course he cheated.'" A celebrity like that? It'd be ridiculous to expect fidelity, no matter who he's married to; he's going to have thousands of women throwing themselves at him everywhere he goes, and few men are able to withstand that kind of temptation forever.

"I'm really starting to wonder if cheating and infidelity is the norm." I'm not sure about "the norm", but it's certainly common. Half of men and women admit to cheating, and who knows how many more have but won't admit to it.

"when you have such a low threshold for what is inappropriate, it's easy to cross that line." The above stat is only for sex; if you want to count flirting, "emotional infidelity", etc. then I suspect it's approaching 100%. We humans are social creatures and expecting someone to cut themselves off from that and only socialize with one person the rest of their life is nuts.

"[Men] can compartmentalize so much better. Mainly because they have to. Multi-tasking isn't their thing. So they have to have a place for every relationship or component of their life. They have to ensure that certain worlds don't collide simply because they can't focus on more than one or two things at a time." I'm not so sure it's an inability to multi-task so much as a deep need for the world to be orderly and "make sense", even if it's only inside our own heads. A thing for every place and a place for every thing. Still, the effect is the same: we label and compartmentalize everything in our lives--even to the point of having separate work, social, family, etc. lives that don't mix.

"We always assume that there must be something wrong with a relationship if one partner cheats. ... I think it's easy to forget your partner when you're away from them, say during work. Having that time away from your mate allows you to forget the relationship exists." I don't think that's it at all; it's more a case of someone feeling neglected and thus their actions are "justified", feeling that their desires/needs are more important than the relationship, etc. I've known lots of cheaters, and not one of them has ever told me that "I forgot I was married/in a relationship". There were a few "I got drunk and made a mistake" excuses, but at least half of the guys claimed "my wife never wants to have sex, and a guy has needs, ya know?" And then there's the stupid "if it's in another area code, it doesn't count" crowd. OTOH, most of the female cheaters I've known deliberately cheated and then told their man (or made it so obvious he couldn't miss it) so he'd break up with her--and then get pissed off if he forgives her.

"you can never really 'steal' someone else's lover/partner. They would have left eventually." Very true; you can only "steal" someone who wants to leave and is just biding their time until they find an excuse.

"Do we take infidelity too personally? Do we make it out to be worse than it really is?" Well, I think most women do take it too personally because they are unable to separate sex and love. OTOH, cheating is a pretty serious thing because the actor is violating a commitment they made. If they don't want to be held to an unreasonable standard, they should refuse to commit to it rather than agreeing and then ignoring it.

I think the French have it right: a marriage is an economic merger for the purpose of raising children, but both spouses are allowed--nay, expected--to have lovers on the side. That seems a much more reasonable system, though I'm not crazy enough to think you'd get very far in the American dating world admitting to that outlook.

[amie]

The people in France stink, literally! It's supposed to be the perfume capital of the world, yet they don't even use deodorant. I had to get out of a club fast because I wanted to throw up from the stench. Not to change the subject, but I'm surprised they get lovers on the side with their B.O.! If you want to move to France, go ahead Crotch Rocket. I'm happy living here and with our definitions of marriage. I think I've waited this long for a reason...because I do take it so seriously and would never cheat on a spouse or marry someone who is not capable of being monogamous. Notice it's even the pretty women who get cheated on...Halle Berry, Fergie, even recently Nicholas Sarkozy is caught having a roving eye right in front of his beautiful wife, Carla Bruni. This just proves that some men are greedy...if they marry someone beautiful, they figure they can get better yet, so they still keep looking, never satisfied.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=112192]

Moxie, I just saw your reply to my post.

My post is not "spoken like a man" but spoken like a social scientist who does not draw my philosophy from my my anecdotal experiences but from scientific fact.

And the facts are in, men who have same sex friends are better lovers and husbands. Instead of referring you to journals with individual research, I will refer you to this article which summarizes these points:http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends

On another point, look at the dictionary. Kissing is not infidelity, kissing is kissing. Female friends kiss and it is supported by a male-dominated culture that likes to see that. Men, as you have noted over and over, have intimacy issues and that is promoted by a culture that only allows touching when the tackle each other. So sometimes a hetero man may kiss an opposite sex friend and it just be that. Dear Moxie, sometimes a cigar is simply that, a cigar.

Men have an emotional need to touch and be intimate without having sex just like women. It is hard for them to get to (I have male clients who have never cried) but it DOES HAPPEN. Seeing men as bad boys who want to hump everything in sight and women as mommies who monitor their every move is the sort of attitude that KILLS relationships, not promotes them.

I am not naive and know opposite sex relationships for heterosexuals is hard--but ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD. People need to get past trust issues and accept the fact that lovers either love you or they don't and you either trust them or you don't. And, until that happens in your life, that may be "why you are still single."

[lala]

I'm not even sure why this is a question.
If you do not believe in monogamy and cannot commit to one person do not get married. Or find someone with your beliefs and define your own marriage. End of story.

[Haley Janesman]

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