Her Boyfriend Stinks In Every Possible Way

Name: Emily Rose | Location: Chicago , IL |Question: Hi!  Okay, so I'm pretty embarrassed to admit this, but here goes:  I have been dating the same guy on and off for almost 6 years. 

Bad Stuff First: 
He is extremely jealous and has a temper. 
He literally never takes me out to dinner, despite being more well off than me. 
He cringes when I forget my wallet and he has to buy my coffee.  He is frickin selfish and I've told him so! 
He also prefers staying at home watching action movies all night instead of doing something I want that's more creative and inspiring, like taking a walk, listening to anything other than Alice in Chains... etc. 

Now the Good Stuff:
He's VERY handsome! 
Smells like potion #9 to me.
He's ambitious videographer.
He's extremely devoted!
 
I'm impressed by him and very attracted to him.  Second to his attractiveness I am completely in love with the way he smells.  It practically makes me swoon with joy.  Other people have commented that he STINKS!  This makes sense on a biological level though...  I studied biology in college and have always been aware of the effect of MHC compounds on the sexual receptivity of women. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_histocompatibility_complex#MHC_and_sexual_selection

And I fear that what is keeping me attached to this man is simply his powerful scent coupled with his attractiveness.  He really wants to stay together... and I think I should perhaps be choosing someone just because I feel extremely attached to them.  Perhaps I am addicted to him.  He is very dominating and controlling and maybe I like that a bit.  But life is so much more magical when your partner is someone who treats you like gold and actually cares and what you would like to experience. 

I am afraid to leave my current boyfriend despite his temper and our dissimilar interests, because he is very handsome and smells delicious and I have so many nostalgic memories with him.  How can I best figure out what to do??  |Age: 26

Fear, afraid, dominating, controlling, addicted, jealous, temper. Those are words you used to describe how you feel and this man's personality. Take away every other word in your letter and just read those.  Now, take a look at this:

He really wants to stay together... and I think I should perhaps be choosing someone just because I feel extremely attached to them. 

But life is so much more magical when your partner is someone who treats you like gold and actually cares and what you would like to experience.  

I am afraid to leave my current boyfriend despite his temper and our dissimilar interests,

I'm not sure if English is your second language or not, but these sentences completely contradict the  previous thought expressed. You shouldn't be afraid to leave your BF "despite" his temper. You should be afraid to leave him "because" of his temper. Now I get it. You're making excuses for him, like so many other people in abusive relationships do. On some level, you think you deserve it. That's why you're conflicted. That's why you're thoughts continuously conflict each other.

You're revealing how you feel without even knowing it. It's like two people are writing this letter - the co-dependent girlfriend who knows she's in an abusive relationship and feels powerless and the woman who knows how this man treats her is wrong and wants out because she knows, if she doesn't, she'll die (literally or figuratively.)  Let me tell you this...if you do not let that stronger side of you out more often, she's going to be swallowed up by the other side of you. I bet she was the woman you were before meeting this man. Somehow this man managed to strip you of your independence and self-esteem. Stay with him and you will never get it back.

While there may or may not be merit to your scent theory, I think you're placing way too much importance on that because it allows you to avoid figuring out why you really stay with him. You should never be in a relationship with someone who uses fear as a negotiating tactic. You are afraid of this man. Leave him. Now. Because if it hasn't escalated to physical abuse yet..it will. This man emotionally and psychologically abuses you with fear. That's not love.

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Comments

[cricri]

Seriously, what are we talking about here?
Qualities in a partner: phenomenal scent and attractiveness / Abusive, selfishness and controlling attitude.
Tough call!
That just looks like a perfect nightmare. I can see how, being the same age, you get caught up in the sa called chemistry, and are thinking at 26, that it is not such a big deal, but this on/off thing with that character is a waste of time as you cannot see eye to eye.
I get the narcissistic appeal of dating an attractive cologne bottle but down the line, it's not working. Drop him!
You do not even cite any qualities that would make him a suitable partner ( devoted? Not to you apparently!)

[chillybeans]

I was in a similar relationship with a selfish, cheap man with a bad temper. He did a job on my self esteem.
I thank God every day that we broke up and can't believe I was as stupid as I was to stay in the relationship as long as I did. I stupidly thought I was safe because his anger wasn't directed at me, but one night that changed and I was absolutely terrified by what he did, I could have been seriously hurt. Get out now! Serious anger issues are dealbreakers. Cheap/selfish too are big red flags.

[linzt]

Don't waste the last 4 years in your 20s with the wrong man. Trust me-- you'll be 30 before you know it and you'll regret wasting precious time.

[Deb]

Moxie-

You were amazingly self restrained here I think. Can I say it then? The guy is a douche through and through. He treats her like crap--because he can--because another woman will be around in 5 minutes. If they broke up she would have trouble finding someone who didn't make her swoon because he was so attractive and he would find another woman the next day.

she clearly does think she deserves it and has low self esteem. I know the power that looks can have on someone and if he was merely bad on occasion I might put up with it but he clearly treats her like shit and she knows it and still laps it up like a little puppy.

He sounds like the type that likes to find women with low self esteem and then he slowly breaks them down---like a cult leader---destroys their self esteem so they put up with even worse shit from them

There's probably nothing any of us could say to convince her when she already knows he is a douche

The phemerone theory--who knows and who cares right? I wonder if Rhianna felt the same about that Chris guy.

[Amy]

This is like a domestic violence case study waiting to happen. I am curious if she will respond to your response and the comments. I HOPE she will take them seriously. She deserves better - and BEING ALONE is a major step up from being with someone like this. I hope she will wake up. This is very sad.

[Bill]

This guy is not a douche he has clearly indicated he is just not that into her. He doesn't care what she thinks or what she wants and does not want to pay for anything. A clear indication he is not that into her and she keeps on dating him because she wants to capture the kind of man every women wants. He is not to blame she is because she made a choice. She could date someone who treats her well or someone who is a "DOUCHE". Take responsibility for your own actions. Personally I believe you put handsomeness as a quality above everything else and that is what you truly seek so you should stay with him. If you want to find a man that treats you very well he is not going to be that attractive to you. In the world of mating men naturally spend more resources and time to a women they want to procreate with and this is a example that the women is way more into the guy than the guy is into her. He is not a douche because she chooses to participate.

[Captain America]

"But life is so much more magical when your partner is someone who treats you like gold and actually cares and what you would like to experience."

Yes, it most certainly is. Run, don't walk away from this. Didn't you get the hint when he cringed at buying you a cup of coffee??

Get a grip on reality, girl -- there are loads of attractive, available men out there who will treat you like gold...This guy is not interested in doing that.

[saywhat]

I give her another 2 years or until she starts hitting the point of her life when she wants to get married and sees all her other happy friends in healthy relationships getting married. Works like this..

another 2 maybe 3 years.. wants marriage.

starts throwing the tantrum fits, like she's so abused,

he in turn retaliates, hits her, verbally, mentally abuses her,

she cries wolf,

maybe or maybe not leaves him, or tries one last time to change him relaizes she can't,

becomes a basket case now because she's alone realizing how much time she wasted and hasn't a clue how to meet someone else and no one will want her because, well.. she hasn't any self esteem, probably look old and tired from ... well, her douche bag boyfriend..

WAKE UP.. YOU'RE AWARE OF IT AND STAY WITH IT..YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRESSED

[cricri]

Bill, come on,what kind of logic is that. The guy is OBJECTIVELY a DOUCHE, it doesn't matter that she's willing participant or not. It's like someone walking with a $100 bill coming out of his pocket and someone snatches it saying : it's not my fault if he left it hanging, I'm not a thief though (!!!???)

I think she is not serious about dating in general; if she were she would have set the record straight a long time ago during those 6 years. And If she subscribe to the thought that it's all about timing with men, then she maybe wants to make sure she is around when Pepe le pew is comes around to "behaving". That is indeed very sad!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if he has a big dick and is hot in the sack too. It's amazing how much that makes up for with people!

[trouble]

This is not about how your boyfriend smells, it's about your fears. Please stop deceiving yourself.

[trouble]

He is not a douche because she chooses to participate.

Bill, you are both right and wrong. He IS a douche, but she chooses to participate. She lets him treat her like shit, for reasons that only she knows. Maybe she is co-dependent, maybe she's afraid of being alone, maybe she doesn't believe she deserves better. All I know is that a person can't treat you badly without your consent. He's a jerk, but you let him treat you like shit. Who's to blame? The OP is.

[Bill]

The reason why I said his is a douche because I have treated a certain group of women with deep amazing rapport connection and another group like a douche. I firmly believe we men just like women have certain groups of people we treat way better than others.

[Lilly]

Does anyone else think this girl is ridiculous because she's choosing to stay with a guy because of the way he SMELLS?! She obviously has no clue what it even means to be in a decent relationship. Honestly I was expecting Moxie to tear her apart. But I applaud the mature, honest and rational advice I've read on here so far. I hope she seeks help soon.

[Rock]

Since she's still making excuses, i hope it keeps other women away from this piece of work.

[just_me]

Devoted, how so? To himself perhaps, to you....not so much- at all!

He smells good to you yet smells bad to others....hhmmmm....

[trouble]

I firmly believe we men just like women have certain groups of people we treat way better than others.

I think you may. I think that smart women pay attention to how men treat EVERYONE, particularly those that they consider to be beneath them socially (or who aren't in a position to benefit them).

If a man treats people like shit, he will treat YOU like shit, eventually.

See, here's the thing, Bill. I think that you believe that you're a normal, nice guy, but I can tell from your posts here that you're actually a bit of an ass yourself. I don't have much tolerance for that, personally.

I don't date men who act like dicks...to ANYONE.

[Bill]

Actually I am pretty realistic I know I am a dick I never said or pretend I am a nice guy. I love how you already generalizing about my opinion. This is human nature we treat people different depending on what we want from them directly or indirectly. Everyone does that even you trouble. It is funny how your trying to indicate you are better or worse because you treat everyone with the same level of respect. That is hilarious.

[frolic and detour]

Despite the OP supposedly staying with this ass because he's really attractive (and he may even be good in bed though I seriously doubt that), it's not about that at all. Good God, woman, looks get really old really fast when the person has an ugly personality.

You stay with him because you lack self-esteem and think you can't do better. Trust me, I've been there. I remaIned with a very attractive guy for waaaay too long who treated me like shit. Only when you wake up and realize that you deserve a loving relationship will you kick him to the curb. Look at the phrases Moxie pointed out in your letter: take fear and controlling. Those words should never, ever be a part of your vocabulary when describing your relationship.

Seriously, leave now. please.

[cricri]

Wow, BIll, I'm quite with Trouble on that one. Actually, a person who treats everybody with respect IS BETTER than a person who doesn't. I hope you can understand that. She wasn't trying to make herself look good, you simply dug your grave by exposing your douchey side. It's sad but since you're ok with it, then good for you.
Unfortunately it's not the first time I hear men say this stuff, how they behave badly to run off a clingy GF, or to attract women. Very confusing stuff indeed, that lack of consistency just shows their confusion themselves regarding what works with women or not.

[trouble]

This is human nature we treat people different depending on what we want from them directly or indirectly.

Wrong. You're mistaken. People who see other human beings as objects do this. It's clear from your posts that you only perceive other human beings in connection to their perceived ability to gratify you. That's called narcissism. And no, everyone does NOT behave like that.

[trojandoll]

There is a scientific component to pheremones and the effect that the smell of a certain person can have on you (I even saw a science channel show that talked about how if someone smells good to you, it means your genes would combine well in offspring), but you can find another guy whose pheremones turn you on and who doesn't treat you like crap.
I personally respond to pheremones - I noticed it with my ex boyfriend, and I notice it with my husband, but as you can see from my example, there are at least 2 guys in the world who do it for me scent-wise. I'm sure with the number of people in the world there are even more than that out there, but I managed to meet and date two. I'm sure you can find a different one, too.

[Crotch Rocket]

"I even saw a science channel show that talked about how if someone smells good to you, it means your genes would combine well in offspring" There are about 150 genes for various chemicals our bodies secrete to kill the various bacteria that cause body odor, and everyone has a different subset of them. The more different your subset of genes is from someone else's subset, the you smell to each other. Scientists suspect this system was evolved to reduce incest and maximize genetic diversity: the scent of people with similar genes (such as family) is offensive and thus they are not attractive as mates. "Chemistry" is quite real.

It's possible that the OP has managed to find a guy who is the exact genetic opposite of her, or at least close to it. Still, that's no excuse to stay with a douchebag; we humans have evolved and are no longer slaves to our hormones. She's using this as a (very lame) excuse for why she "can't" leave the guy, when the reality is that she either secretly enjoys being treated badly or just doesn't have the willpower to do it.

[amie]

OK I'm not going to tear into you like everyone else pretty much did, because I kind of get you. I get the pheremone thing and the great sex, handsome dude thing. I get that some of us are ruled by sex and equate that with love as I have for so long, but that is only as part of a relationship, maybe an important one, but not the whole thing. What you need to know though is that you do deserve better, really you have to believe this. Even if he's better looking than you, look inside him, not only what's outside. Inside is where the true beauty is found. There is such a thing as having it all, good sex with a good person whom you are attracted to and he is not the first or last person you will have great chemistry with. You are still so young and probably go out a lot, so you will not have much trouble meeting someone else. At first you will be tempted to find someone who looks, smells and even acts like him, but resist that urge. There are more than one great love in our lives and some guys who you don't think of at first as being your type, maybe give a chance. You won't know if there's chemistry until that first kiss or scent, but at least try. You don't want to waste your 20's with someone selfish, cheap and abusive. This will wear at your confidence until there's none left, so start off slowly if you must, but take steps to leave him. I think you will be happier in the long run and look back at this time in your life and say "what was I thinking?"