Sex & Moxie

Comments

Here's the part where I become a shrew and lecture people about the comments. Let's be clear about something: I could give a shit how many comments these posts get. I have no problem blocking people who contribute nothing and just come here to take  a big fat dump on the letter writers, me or other commenters.  There's been a ton of that lately, so now I have to write a bitchy little post with a list of Do's and Don't like a school teacher.

1. Disagree? Great. Communicate your thoughts effectively. But please note - disagreeing just so you can write a pot shot at me or at other people who somehow have made you feel inadequate? Banned. Your self-esteem issues? So not my problem or responsibility. Let me tell you something, all you little chirpies who like to whine about how I don't like having people disagree with me. It's been 4 years, kids. If I couldn't handle people disagreeing with me, I'd have left a long time ago.

2. Got a blog to promote? Fine. But You'll have to comment for at least a month consistently (and not once every 6 weeks when you want new blog traffic) before I'll publish the link to your blog. I'm really tired with these random bloggers who come buy and write stupid, pointless one sentence comments like "Omigod, that happened to me too. Run away. girl!" or something similar only in the hopes of getting a few clicks. Also annoying are th e paragraph long insights that are actually really insightful. Except they're written to get traffic and not actually contribute. Banned and blocked, bitches.

3. Hijackers. No, we don't want to discuss the Brinkley/Cook divorce in a  thread about sex addiction. I could give a rats ass about two shallow, stupid people that fell out of love so the Mom decides to air the Dad's dirty laundry so that the kids can be humiliated.  Stay on topic, please.

4. Conversations within the comments. Take it off line. Nothing is more aggravating to a blog reader than sifting through 45 comments where 20 of them are two people having a conversation that nobody else cares about.

5. Commenting on a comment just to comment. If it's already been said, then you don't need to say it again. Unless it's on topic, insightful and fresh, please don't comment.

6. Announcing your retirement from the blog. Uh..Bye! Don't hold you're breath waiting for people to beg you to stay. Once you say you're leaving, I block you. I have no interest in martyrs.

7. Comments that rail on me for talking about something that bugs me personally. What's that? Another Blaire post? Suck it up. Complain and you're banned. 99% of these posts are for YOUR benefit, not mine. So if I choose to use my blog to vent, learn to deal.

8. Aren't I funny? comments. Let me answer that for you. No, you're not

Anyone else have any suggestions?

If He's So into Her, Why Hasn't He Asked Her Out?

Name: Islandgirl |  | Location: Grand Cayman , Cayman Islands |Question: Hey Moxie.
I met an older guy a few weeks ago and I wasn't interested then. But I saw him again today and we ended up having an impromptu 1 hour conversation. We discussed his hometown, our families and a bit about his past relationship.

Because he's more mature than the guys I've dated in the past, he seems to have his stuff together, and he's very interesting I'm very attracted to him. Typically, I wouldn't go for a guy that's 12 years older than I am who's not my type physically. But there's something about him that intrigues me.

He's obviously attracted to me because he keeps complimenting me on how "beautiful" I am. But the age difference does concern me a bit. Should I let that get in the way of at least getting to know a great guy (who could be a good friend if nothing else)? Or should I just ask him out already?

I've had no experience dating older men. How do they like to be approached? Something tells me they want a woman to be direct. Am I right? |Age: 25

Better question for you. How come this man who compliments you all the time and that you "know" is interested in you hasn't asked YOU out? If he's got the nads to tell you constantly that you're beautiful then how come he doesn't ask you out? That makes no sense to me.

I'm going to say enjoy the flirtation but don't make a move. My money's on him having a girlfriend or wife already.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

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Miss Manners

Name: Laura | Location: NYC |Question: I'm recently divorced and slowly getting myself accustomed to life as a single girl. I've taken your advice and joined a few activity groups and attended a couple Meet-Up social events. I've looked for an answer to this question in your archives and didn't find it so i thought I'd ask this - How do you politely get out of conversations with people or let someone know you're not interested in them? I'm asking not only for interactions with men but with women as well. I have attended the Meet-up events by myself and I always seem to get stuck talking to people for longer than I'd like and miss out on opportunities to talk to other people. Both times I was followed around  by men who were either very sweet but annoying or boring or women who also came by themselves who either had drank too much and had no one to talk to or were just all around unpleasant. What do you say/do in those situations? I don't want to be rude or hurtful but I feel like I'm a magnet for these people when I go out to socialize.
|Age: 33

Here's what I've noticed while watching people at our events. The people who are actively engaged in conversation with other usually do not become magnets for the kind of people you mention. If you're frequently being approached and clung to by people you consider undesirable, then it's probably because you don't appear to be enjoying yourself or feel like an outsider. Maybe you have a worried look on your face or your discomfort leads to you having very closed body language. I see the people you mentioned all the time at our events. They look for someone standing by themselves or who looks as unhappy as they are because they think they'll be accepting or welcoming to their special brand of awkwardness or negativity. When you enter an event, immediately find the host. Ask him or her to introduce you around so that you can meet people and become engaged in conversations.

The first thing you can do, when you feel trapped by someone, is to make all your statements closed and do not encourage more discussion. Don't ask questions in return, keep your answers short, keep your statements closed. By "closed" I mean closed to additional conversation. This has more to do with your tone than what you actually say. You know how, when you're in the midst of an e-mail conversation with someone, they'll end they're final e-mail with a closing like "take care" or "talk soon?" That's the equivalent. They're not actually saying goodbye, but that's what they mean. That's a closed statement. So if someone approaches you and asks a question like, "Having fun?" then you're answer (if you sense something is "off" about the person) could be "Yes, thank you." Not, "Yes, and you?"

Also, avoid eye contact with people who appear to be uncomfortable. Those would be the people standing against the wall, pacing or looking around the room. If in conversation, then look away more frequently than you would.  Constant eye contact is done by people who know each other. Don't give the person any indication that there is a familiarity between the two of you.

Unfortunately, a lot of people either don't pick up on or ignore these little cues. In those cases you have to wait for a lull in the conversation and say, "Okay, well, it's a party and I should mingle. Nice to meet you" and just walk away.

I was at an entrepreneur related event recently and talking to another woman in attendance who had some interesting business ideas. While we were talking, another woman approached us. Not sure if she was drunk or what, but she could not stand to go without attention for longer than 20  seconds because she continuously interrupted our conversation and tried to divert the attention away from us (the two people actually having the conversation) and putting it on herself. It was so annoying that I looked at the woman I was speaking to, told her I saw a friend across the room, and excused myself. I found her a few minutes later and resumed the conversation. Most socially adept people know what you're doing and will assume you'll re-connect in a bit when the non-socially adept person gets the hint.

Always tell the host if you feel certain people are adding negativity to an event. I'm not talking about the shy people. That's not negativity. I mean the people who are frequently or outwardly complaining. We want to know about those people so we can make sure to remove them from our database.

Also tell the host if you feel someone is being too aggressive. I've seen some things at our events that certain men do that really annoy me - aggressive body language, leaning their arm on the bar kind of cornering a woman in, etc.  If you're in a situation like that - where a guy is just not taking "no" for an answer, then you need to walk away. Abruptness, in that case, is perfectly acceptable.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

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Is He a Sex Addict?

Name: Redd | Location: New York, NY |Question: Back in 2003 I dated a man that I met online. When I first saw his picture I thought it had to be a fake. He was clean cut, preppy looking and very handsome. We went out for a few months but the relationship fizzled when his job as a TV producer had him traveling a lot. He had an extremely high sex drive. Looking back, our relationship was mostly sex with a few "real" dates sprinkled in. One thing that had me unsure about him was his interest in web camming. I never did it because it made me uncomfortable but he said he liked it. After we stopped dating each other we would keep in touch and have kept in touch on and off since. He was always in what he called "open" relationships. From time to time, when he was between relationships,  we'd get together for sex until I started feeling weird about it. He'd come over in the middle of the day, before shifts at work, late at night. He used to share some of his sexual experiences with me - threesomes, sex in movie theaters, random sex he had with women he'd meet at bars or parties. Truth be told I was a little concerned with the amount of partners he appeared to have. Last week he e-mailed me.  Long story short he said he was single and wondering what I was up to that night. I had plans with friends to go to a birthday party. He asked me where saying maybe he could stop by we could hook up at the party. Hook up as in have sex. I told him no and haven't heard from him since. The more I think about his behavior the more I wonder if he's some kind of sexual compulsive or addict. What do you think?
|Age: 34

Your answer is in your gut. You said his sexual admissions and behaviors made you feel "weird." There are plenty of people who have an active sex life and are not addicts. I really have no idea whether he is or isn't, not am I qualified to say so. However, your instincts were telling you that something was off. That sometimes is better than any psychiatric diagnosis. Plus, if he's really that good looking AND he has such a high sex drive..well..yeah,, I'd wonder the same thing. He could be meeting women anywhere offline. Why would he even need to be online? (Moxie's note: When I replied to the email and asked her what online site she was using when she met him, she said Craigslist. Another red flag.)

Personally, I find the whole coming by the bar to have sex thing a bit..well...compulsive.  Or at the very least weird. That's something you do with a lover or someone you're dating. Not an occasional fuck buddy. But that's my personal opinion. He could prefer open relationships because they allow him to have sex with multiple people while maintaining an other wise emotionally committed relationship without feeling guilty. I'd steer clear of this one. If he is an addict , you don't want to be any kind of enabler. If he's not, he could potentially carry any kind of STD and sometimes a condom just isn't enough.  He also seems to like risky sex as in doing it in places where he could get caught. At best, he sounds like a high risk sexual partner.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

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New Private Blog Post

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Is The Honeymoon Is Over?

Name: thinking thinking | Location: New York , NY |Question: I recently celebrated a 5 month anniversary with someone I am very happy with. . . here's my question/problem. . . and I'm asking this because as an avid reader of Moxie, I haven't seen this question before and so I think it may be pertinent.
The beginning, I would say first 3 and half months, there were a lot of words from him declaring his feelings for me, how much he loves me, little notes/cards, etc.  Late night conversations ending with him just making strong love declarations. . .very sincere, very romantic.  His behavior matched his words - called ahead for dates, always called when he said he would, texting "I love you" on a regular basis, etc. etc. By the way, he wanted to be exclusive after a month (his idea).  So it was a heady beginning, to say the least.
I would say since the middle of month 4, there has been less demonstration of strong feelings - I still hear I love you, but not as much; not planning ahead for dates; not always assuming we are doing things together on the weekends.  This has thrown me off balance; I know that things can't stay super hot and heavy forever; but I wonder about the cooling - is it inevitable, or should I be worried? 
I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to be that needy female, I guess I'm just interested in hearing from others who may have experienced a cooling period after the inital 3 month love rush -how to deal?
thanks!
|Age: 41

YOUR THOUGHTS?

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DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED FOR ADVICE COLUMN!-YOUR FEEDBACK WANTED!
Got a dating related question?  Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It's Free! Look for Moxie's response and feedback from other singles. (Responses take between 6-36 hours.) Ask Away - http://www.moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

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Alliances. Who knew that running social events was like being on Survivor?

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Like Carrie & Big..Only Way More F*cked Up

Name: BGE | Location: new york , new york |Question: ok, this is just confusing on so many levels but i'll try and keep it short and sweet.

met a guy 4 years ago who lives on the west coast.  we did a long distance thing.  had the best sex of our lives together.  truly, we were awe-struck at how amazing it was.  we broke up and got back together so many times our friends are sick of us. (think carrie and big from sex and the city...SAME emotional thing) so what would happen was we'd spend months and hours every day im'ing eachother or video im'ing at night.  keeping the time difference was hard, but we made it work somehow. then, he'd just stop calling me after about 6 months. every time we'd break up, he'd hook up with other people, then at most, 3 months later call me and beg me to see him.  what followed were the big "im so sorry" trips and extravagance to forgive him.  i always did.  i truly loved him and i know he loved and was being sincere with me.

there was a lot of jealousy, frustration and constant worry because of the distance.  i always thought he was with someone if he didn't call...vice versa. we would lash out and hurt one another in terrible ways because we were either jealous or feeing insecure. there's a lot of stuff i'm skipping, but you get the gist.  hightly emotional couple.

well, last year in october we broke up again.  i went to visit him and 2 weeks later he took a girl on vacation. (i just happened to see the pictures loading on flickr.com) i was furious and didn't speak to him until the big "i'm sorry" speach in january. (you're asking why on earth did i even answer... that's a question i still can't answer myself. i love the guy).  what ensues is months of talking everyday, working out our problems, me visiting, us going on 2 vacations and him visiting me for 10 days. 

here's my BIG question:  when we were on vacation, he said he wanted to be married...but not to me.  yeah, that stung. i put it in my back pock
et for future examination. i figured he wouldn't come to nyc after the vacation because clearly he wasn't interested or loved me despite all this fucking effort, but he did.  through this time we've spent this year it was the closest we'd ever been since we met.  he leaves me saying we'll have to plan on me getting out this summer. then, he fades away.  i got the obligitory phone call and 2 emails...but that's it. my last email was on June 18th, one week after he left nyc. he never responded. this is his MO. i truly thought he'd never do this again but ah, i'm a fool apparently.  finally, i had enough of feeling so hurt and disposed that i wrote him an email on the 30th saying, "don't contact me again. it's over and i don't ever want to be treated this way again." that was 10 days ago today.

explain why he would get so close then just run away? why invest months of daily/hourly contact to only shut off?  why?? why the vacations and visiting? what's in it for him? he's got tons of friends and tons of women lining up to be with him but he chooses me. it's clearly more than sex. if it were, he could get that anywhere and not have to try so hard with me.  i'm heartbroken again! will someone please shed some light on this remarkably fucked up man??!!!

signed,
confused and beguiled |Age: 37

Okay, first? You're both fucked up. It's not fair to make this all about his issues when you clearly ALLOW him to treat you like a play thing that he can bat around for awhile until he gets bored. The "but I loved him" excuse is not good enough. Uh uh. That's an excuse that women use to excuse the fact that they have some emotional or self-esteem related issues that they refuse to acknowledge or work on. People who use that excuse thinks it will garner them sympathy because they know they're choices and behaviors are due to a lot more than "being in love."

The letter you wrote telling him to never contact you again? Yeah, he doesn't care. He doesn't care if you're feigning indignance and "standing your ground" because you're not. Because you will, in a heartbeat, take this douchebag back if he asks. He knows that. He's figuring that he'll let you cool off for a couple months while he goes and to find Ms. Right. And when another one of his relationships fail, which they will, he'll hit you up for a little attention. You're the transition girl, the one he calls when he needs the ego stroke and attention. And you're more than happy to go back to him again for more. Wow, you're right. This is like Carrie and Big. And I'm Miranda in this situation. Snap out of it.  You're obsessing. That's why you "happened" to see his vacation photos on Flickr.

What's in it for him? You mean, why does he continue to come back to you for constant attention and perpetual ego stroke in-between his string of actual girlfriends? because he can't be alone and gets off on watching you chase your tail and froth at your mouth when he says dickish, abusive things to you like "I want to be married...just not to you." The guy is, as you say, fucked up. But you are more fucked up for continuously feeding in to his games and lines. Why do you keep this safety net around? is it really love, as you say? Or is it an excuse to never really get to know any other guy? On some level, do you think you are more comfortable with this unhealthy relationship because you know what to expect? You know it's going no where. It's contained.

I've met you before. You came to one of our after work parties back in March. What I remember distinctly about you was that you were dismissive of the crowd that was there. You and your friend stayed in a corner the whole night, barely talking to anyone, even thought there were some attractive and fun guys at the party.  Is it possible that this guy you hang on to out on the West coast is really hot or really rich and THAT'S why you allow him to treat you so poorly? is that what you're really in love with? Is he that uber-catch on paper and you just don't want to give that up despite his many short comings? Again, kinda like Carrie and Big?

For the record, I saw the SATC movie. And when Big gets down on his knee and proposes to Carrie AGAIN after he left her at the alter, I was the only woman in the theater to let out an audible, "Oh you've GOT to be KIDDING ME!!"

YOUR THOUGHTS?

That's What You Get for Being On Top

Had a really nice little surprise this morning.

Apparently, I've learned, somebody sabotaged my Meetup group mailing list with a virus. I say  "sabotage" because my group, out of the hundreds of thousands in meetup, was the only one affected. Probably because we're the largest in the city and 2nd or 3rd largest in the world. That's right. In the world.

For the record: I did not send out 100 copies of the same e-mail. Why would I do that? What would be the point? I've had to respond to dozens of e-mails ranging from "Hi, I think there may be a problem with your server" to "You fucking cunt, stop sending me e-mails and clogging my inbox."Now...I wonder why MY group, out of all of them, was the only one affected? And, hmm, I wonder who did it??????

(Not really. I'm pretty sure I know who did it. More on that on the private blog in a bit)

IF YOU OPTED OUT OF THE GROUP TO STOP GETTING E-MAILS, I HOPE YOU'LL REJOIN. PLEASE REJOIN HERE: http://socialnetwork.meetup.com/616

YOUR THOUGHTS?

She's Sending Mixed Messages

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DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED FOR ADVICE COLUMN!-YOUR FEEDBACK WANTED!
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Name: no need to text | Location: Boston , Ma |Question: I met an extremely attractive male back in February. He's 29, great job, educated...basically perfect on paper. We really hit it off the night we met. We text a little the next day and then I dind't really think about it much after that. The following Thursday was Valentines Day and he texted me asking what I was up too. We text back and forth all weekend and he asks me to come hang out...I don't. This basically goes on for about a month until we see each other again. In this time we have never talked on the phone, but he has however asked me out via text, unfortunatly I could not go. We see each other in March and exchange a kiss.

There were a few other encounters into April...no sex, but you can use your imagination! Then we just stopped talking or should I say texting, becuase we never actually talk on the phone. Then in the begining of June I get a text at midnight saying hello and asking what I'm up too. I was a bit annoyed as seeing I hadn't hard from him in 6 weeks! The next night I get another text and I tell him he can come over. He shows up and we end up hanging out and watching the sun rise. He then goes directly into my room thinking we might hook up. Basically I tell him no way and we have a "chat". I let him know I'm ok with what we obviously have become (booty call), but that he is insane if he thinks he can disappear for weeks and then suddenly come back and hook up. He said he would take me on dates, but I'm not interested...it is what it is, why change that. At this point its been 4 months...if something was going to happen it would have.

So sense this conversation things have progressed. Its basically an every weekend thing and we don't talk till about midnight on Friday/Saturday. This past weekend we met up at a bar and while I was there he was talking to other girls. Then when we were walking to his house he was talking about how pretty my roommate is, and even mentions her again in the morning!

So I guess my question is: Do I ditch the booty call? We are both obviously using each other, but come on...if I show up to a bar that we are both going to be leaving in a half hour the least you can do is hang out and stop talking to other girls. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, and the truth is I don't really like him all that much. He's a nice enough guy...just a bit too into himself for me. I don't have any other possible sexual partners going on right now...however I do date. I just want it to be fun, but I found myself feeling pretty bad. Am I being too sensitive here? Should I just take it for what it is and enjoy the summer and my no strings attached hookup? |Age: 27

Have you considered the possibility that he thought you weren't interested in him for a relationship? You're sending mixed messages. Even in your letter here, you're sending mixed messages.

You met this great guy, you hit it off, but then he asked you to hang out on V-Day and you said no, then he asked you out again and you said no. If I'm him, I'm thinking you're not interested. And I'm not going to subject myself to more rejection. So he take syou out of the "potential girlfriend" column and puts you in the "booty call" column."

You sound like a bit too much work to me.  As rude as it it seems, when he's out at a bar with you he knows he's taking you home. But he also knows that you're not interested in having a relationship. So, being a go-getter, he kills two birds with one stone and hits on other women while out with you. Huh. Who knew guys liked to multi-task?

And, well, yeah...when you let the guy come over the next night and you stay up all night, he's going to expect to fool around. Or at least sleep in your bed. What did you expect him to do? Crash on the couch?

The problem here isn't him. It's you and you're confusion and refusal to acknowledge or admit that you want this guy to be your boyfriend. You don't like him all that much?? That's a big load of hooey. If you didn't like him, then why would you keep hanging out with him?

Beth, you need to figure out what it is that you want from him and ask for it. If you settle for a booty call then you waive the right to respect, courtesy and expectations. It sucks and I don't agree with that, but that's how it is. Booty calls don't make dates. And they don't stare at you with longing while you're out at the bar with drinks. They're simply putting in their time until they get to go home and get in your pants.

The problem is that you let the whole text messaging thing go and didn't speak up. Guys follow the woman's lead. If you let him get away with laziness, they will take every opportunity to be lazy. When you let things go the way you both did, then  the window closes and you get put in this weird "friend/booty" place.

Figure out what it is you truly want then ask him if he can give it to you. But figure it out before you get more attached.

YOUR THOUGHTS?